Tiny frustration and irritation

     I just came back from training today and well, let's just say compared to yesterdays wonderful workout, this one was a bust. Sometimes I wish I was a male! Seriously this whole 'I've gotta be a fucking gentleman' crap irritates the hell out of me. This is martial arts class man, we go to become stronger! We not not be as big and tough, but give us a chance!!!! I just hate it when people won't give me a chance! I know what I can't handle and I understand you want a workout, but I'm not asking to be your partner for the whole lesson, just a few minutes. Jeez, it doesn't help that the girls that are there aren't into it at all and all I'm wondering is why they're here? The only one that had any fire to do it couldn't give her all, because she was still a beginner and had to learn the moves first. Sigh, I just wish I was given a chance or maybe prove myself in some way, but the only people who know I'm not made of glass (at least I hope they don't think that) are too high a level to train with. I just feel so frustrated! I want to improve I want to do better, but not only does my meek character make it almost impossible for me too look strong-ish, I look like a jr high kid and I get nervous around others. Damn it. I'm holding myself back, maybe that's it? All I know is that I'm frustrated with myself, with the guys and with the girls, but mostly myself. How do I improve? Maybe I lack drive, confidence, strength, courage, character...... something!
     The thing I hate the most at the moment though is the fact that I'm screaming in my head and yet on the outside I look perfectly calm. Hell you wouldn't even notice I'm pissed unless you asked me how training was and then I'd probably start talking and you'd hear the irritation in my voice. Damn it! I really wish I was born a boy sometimes. I think it'd make my life easier or maybe I wouldn't be so looked down upon during training. Even though a kind man once told me "It's best to be looked down upon, that way you can catch them off guard." I believe these words whole heartily, but in order to catch someone off guard I have to be good. In order to be good I need to learn from someone who will give me a chance, but I'm too big of a coward to ask! I'm such a waste of space. Even my ashes will be an annoyance.

See you around, maybe.

Everything = Nothing

I don't know how long it's been since I last wrote and it seems my mind is taking it's toll. My thoughts have all slowly piled up so much that I'm slowly going insane. It doesn't help that I'm stressed times ten, because of all the tests I have at the moment and the end of the semester is right around the corner. I have a big math test on thursday and a history test the same day. Sad to say, but history is my worst subject and I'm one grade away from failing, yet again. I've been in the same situation before, but either way it doesn't help me one bit. I'm not sure who I'm more annoyed at me, my teacher or my father. My father because he's so carefree about most of my grades when he should be stern or more father like. Getting angry at me because my grades are so low. My teacher because her test or so frickin hard that even if you do study your still not sure if you'll pass or not. Although I think I'm angry mostly at myself and not just because of history. There are so many things bugging me at this moment I'm not really sure where to start, so get ready for random floating colorful wisps of ciris clouds to suddenly become written words.
 History, no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get myself to just sit and read the textbook and take notes. I know I have to study. I know I have to pass, but sometimes I just don't care. I'm tired of it all. School I'm sick of it. I just want to disappear. The fact that math class isn't offering me anything interesting isn't helping me either. Or the fact that during computers we started Visual Basic, but we're going at a snails pace because the teacher has other things she has to do to keep the school running properly.
  My Diet. I'm trying to eat healthier and I was doing well for about a week then I suddenly cracked and scarfed down a whole bar of chocolate. After that it was downhill from there with me eating handfuls of cookies after dinner and other sweets. I'm so angry at myself and my weak will. I want to scream and rage in frustration, but I just can't. It brings me no satisfaction. And letting my emotions loose would be weird and bad. I rarely get riled up and when I do it comes in short burst that I real in quickly. So when I get a craving even when the supposed ten minutes later are up I'm still thinking about that chocolate or a cookie and I can't stop myself from eating. It's really bad when I'm watching Tv. I think I've gotten so used to eating and watching that even when I'm not hungry, but I'm watching something I naturally go get something to snack on, like a reflex. It's an awful habit that I need to brake and I have to! I want to loose weight. I want to be happy in my body and for once not curl up my lips in disgust when I look into the mirror. I'm not worried about exercise, because I'm quite active at least 3 hours a week. I need to try harder so I can let my bear free.
   The holidays. I'm fucking sick of them and I want them to go away. The christmas songs are like mental torture. You hear it once and you will continue to hear it for the rest of the day in your head- whoopdy fuckin do. The fact that everyone is in shoppers mode doesn't help either as going to the store is the biggest pain in the ass ever. My father and I went shopping saturday, cause we wanted some new jeans and were almost trampled to death. There were huge crowds and getting out of the malls parking took a good half an hour. I was getting ready to shoot someone out of boredom. I've always disliked the holiday I just never enjoyed them as much as others and often found them pointless, but this year it's even worse. My father and I aren't celebrating christmas at all. Our house is clean of jolly decorations, no tree or christmas cheer in site. Thank god for that. We just aren't in a christmas mood this year and personally I don't think we'll be in one for quite some time or maybe even never. I think it's because whenever I think christmas I think family. Now looking around the only question that comes to mind is 'what family?' It's just me my dad and my grandma (who is like a ghost). We live in the same house, but I can go a week without seeing her. Our christmases were always big with our four person family along with my cousins four person family and someone else would always be there too. They were big and happy and for me I think that was the best part about christmas. Not the present (although those were a great plus), but my family all together (almost) in one place, happy. That's what I loved the most everyones joy in being together, now well, now it's just a father with his daughter and their ghost of a grandmother living in this huge empty house. With three empty rooms, without the life they once had in them gathering dust. I avoid my brothers room. It's right across from mine, but I avoid going into it. It feels wrong and terrible. It hurts to think that just six months ago he was right across from me and at random times during the day would barge into my room out of boredom and vis-versa. Now he's gone all because I was the dumbass that let him go. I hate myself for not fighting for him, damit! I'm so angry at myself and I don't know how to express it. It's easiest to do through writing, swearing and such. Drawing can be helpful too, but that's sporadic and they never make much sens to begin with. This is probably my best outlet to just get rid of everything from my shoulders, because it's easier to type it out then talk it out.
   Sometimes I get these longings for a really close companion, friend, lover I'm not really sure, but just someone who can take the loneliness away. When I was talking to my mother she told me that sometimes she'd find Eryk with this sad look on his face and he'll be in this darkish, gloomy mood for the rest of the day. She says it looks like loneliness and longing. She claims it's his want to how things used to be four or even five years ago, before we moved when everyone was happy and blissfully ignorant. I understand him, because I get those moods too and I can't help, but bitterly think that I'll never return to those days. There are times were I wonder if I started my life over again with all of my memories in tack, what I would do differently. I'd probably start training kung fu early. Maybe take more pictures of the early times. Live my life just a bit differently, but almost the same. Would I try to convince my father to stay in the states? I'm not sure and I don't think I'd ever  be able to answer that question, because truth be told the only problem in all of this is myself.

Maybe, I'll see you around? 

Small, tiny

I want to write, but I'm not sure as to what I should write. I could just dribble on about my day how I woke up too early, actually did homework, had fun with my father and his friends, but why would someone want to read about that. Then again why would anyone read this to begin with? It's just a teen going on about there life's problems, that in due time will seem completely stupid. Seriously, if people have to monitor each post by reading them, then I feel sorry for the blokes. Most of the stuff on her has to be boring. Although it could be a good pick-me-uper if someones having a bad day and they read that someone else is also having a crappy day.
   My day was fine though. It was strange, because I was calm all day. Like this nice cloud of calm completely washed over me. I liked it a lot. I didn't think to much, maybe that's why the whole thinking thing tends to bring me down. I'll talk about that next time though, maybe. Now I've still got something to do, so this shall be nice and short.

Maybe, I'll see you around. 

hollow chest

   I need to write, I know I do, but what do I write about? I'm just unsure. I feel like I've hit a wall today. There's so many things I should be doing and here I am doing everything that I shouldn't be doing. I understand that sometimes the body needs to rest, but it just seems that mine gets too much rest. Maybe it's because recently I have too much on my mind. It even distracted me during training. I'm just not sure anymore, about many things really. I show off a cool, confident person. Someone who's friendly and tries to help, but in reality I don't think I'm like that.

   When I see myself I see a dark, pessimistic, unhelpful, broody, chubby, lazy, ungrateful girl. And I hate that! I just don't know how I'm suppose to look at myself. It doesn't help that I have no talent at anything really. I used to think english was my thing it helped make school easier, but recently I seem to be slipping in it and it frightens me. The same with kung fu, it's as if I'm in front of a brick wall and it's not comming down anytime soon. 

   I look around me and see that everyone is good at something, but me what good am I? I'm useless, I take up space, use up money, breath in someone elses needed air. I don't bring anything to the world or to those around me. A body is all I am and a useless one at that. I wouldn't be surprised that if I disappeared I would only be looked for, for a few weeks- out of obligation- then they'd shrug their shoulders and go on with there lives. My class would be glade to get ride of me, that's for sure. 

   I just feel empty, yes empty. I don't think I realized it until I wrote it down. Why do I feel this way? It wasn't as pronounced yesterday, but today, why is it different? Even my music isn't able to block it out and that tends to block out everything. 

   Could it be because of what happened in english? It was nothing big, but Davids knee rested against mine for a while. I stiffened at first, but slowly relaxed. Then I felt the heat. He was warm, I never thought other bodies could be so warm, because mine tends to be a few degrees cooler then is normal. Only our knees  were touching, but I enjoyed it. Strange, aren't I?

   Maybe it's because My father and I don't really hug much. He might put his chin on my head when he's watching me on the computer or I'll do the same with him, but that's it. There's not much contact when it comes down to hugs, although we talk more often, but I think that's so we don't go insane in this empty, soulless house.

   I decorated my room today, to make it seem more happy. I don't feel any happier, but maybe my dad will be fooled. I guess it's to make me seem normal to others or something.I'm not really sure as to why I did it. 

   I've noticed I keep looking towards the weekend, as if it will save me from my troubles. All of my problems will be solved thanks to it, but that's not true. Maybe it's because I get to sleep longer. Sometimes I wish I'd fall asleep and never wake up. My father probably wouldn't notice until he got back from work and by then my body would be cold. I've also thought of just leaving, going away and never coming back. Then after some time I'd probably end it, enter Dante's hell and be eaten by the harpies. I hope I'm a tree. Although as punishment, I'd probably end up being a bush.

   I'm just tired, but it's not from lack of sleep. It's a strange type of tiredness that comes from life. Everyday it's harder and harder to get up, to go to school, to move on to walk forward. Slowly I drain away. Maybe it's my emotions and by then I'll be so used to the hollowness in my chest I won't notice it anymore.

 My biggest and worst characteristic is that I get too attached. So I have to try to slowly drift away.   

 My biggest regret is that I'll probably never know what the feeling love is like.

 My biggest fear is that people will notice that I'm pushing them away and they won't care. 

 My highest hope is that someone will see behind my facade, someone who cares enough to try to break it.

 My last wish is to find someone who loves me and I love them equally in return. 

   Although in this world there's no such thing as love. So many people get divorced or separated. They don't try to talk things through, they just stop talking altogether. Then those memories they held dear to them are now useless and only cause pain or anger. Everything they went through with that one person is now viewed as foolish or not thought of at all. They cast it all aside and look on for something new. Some separate after being together for a few months some years others decades, why? 

   Love is a virtue that is cast aside in this day an age and it scares me, because I don't want to be hurt, but I want to try to find what love is. That's the thing though every time I've confessed they ran away and called me names. It hurt and I don't want to hurt anymore than I do now. I want someone to see me, but I want to run and hide. I to be remembered, but also forgotten. I'm full of contradictions and it doesn't help my thoughts at all. Since all the questions floating in my head are always going to be unanswered. Slowly they'll pile up, until the day comes where there won't be room for more and I'll stop. That will be the day I lose my sanity or my life.  

See you around, or maybe not.

.............. I just...don't....know....

   Again I forget to write and again my mind is a mess of thoughts and emotions. I'm so out of it that I'm not sure where I should start. 

   I've notice that I'm thinking more and more in my second language and that frightens me. I'm worried that, because of this my first language will become worse. At the same time though I'm really happy that I'm slowly getting better at it. I noticed that the two languages seem to kind of define me, in a way. My first is part of a carefree, happy , young life. A time were I was very naive about the world and it's happenings.My second language was used more often when I moved at first it was tough and difficult, although it's gotten better, but it kind of shows an evolution or change in me.

   When I returned people who haven't seen me in years said I was exactly the same. It kind of hurt, because I felt different. I knew I was different, but almost none noticed. Was it because I've gotten better at hiding my emotions or acting or are some people just that blind? I'm unsure as to many things now.

   Training's have been different as well for me. It just seems like I'm doing everything wrong, but no ones correcting me so I'm not sure if it's just me or am I actually doing it right. Then the one time I'm sure I'm doing it right, my teacher says it's wrong. How is it possible for someone to be so wrong about them selves? No matter how hard I try I just can't seem to do much of anything right. 

   I call myself a pessimist, but maybe that's not the right word for me. It doesn't help that I've spoken way to much recently and I hate it. I'm not used to talking so much and I'd prefer not to, but we can't always have our way. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to talk less, just stay silent mute. That'd be nice. Put in my headphones and just listen to the world around me, while everyone else thinks I'm listening to music, when really I'm listening to them. 

   It's not much, but maybe It'll allow me to sleep. 

Maybe, I'll see you around.

   I just want to write today, but nothing deep at least I don't think it'll be deep. Who knows where my brain will take my fingers. First some info. At school we have three hours of gym a week, meaning one day we have two hours of dry gym and an hour of wet gym. We are lucky enough to have a pool at our school, but many of the kids don't see how great it is.
   Just this year the principal decided that kids will have the choice of wet or dry gym that one other hour that was originally only wet. They did this, because a lot of kids would play truant during that hour or get a pass from the pool, so they wouldn't have to swim. Now this didn't bother me as long as I got to swim. Now along with this choice two teachers were suppose to watch over the class, but one of my classes teachers is on leave for who knows how long. That meant we were left over with one teacher so we always had dry lessons, that is until today.
   Today we got a second teacher so we had the choice of wet or dry gym. Well I can tell you this, I was the first one at the pool and asking to get in. I think the teachers were surprised by my enthusiasm, but what can I say I like swimming. I think I'll be one of the only girls that swims in my class, because I know most of them don't like the fact that they only have ten minutes to change and get to class.
   Anyway, most of the class had a dry lesson and when I say most I mean 92% of the class. That left me and a boy called Chris. Now I'm not sure if he likes swimming or he just doesn't mind it since he came somewhat regularly last year, but I enjoyed myself. I swam till I was exhausted, because the teacher noticed we were good swimmers so made us swam till we dropped. It was nice.
   Chris happens to be one of the few people who I'm comfortable around at the pool, which is strange because we're not friends, just classmates. Maybe it's because he reminds me of my brother. At least they have similar personalities when in public, I'm not positive about there private personas. Then again I think my brother might be one of few kids who has a outdoor and indoor persona. Though who knows I could be wrong.
   It was fun swimming. Pushing myself to my limits and just giving it my all with no worries of those around me. The best part is you don't sweat, well maybe you do, but it's hard to notice when you're already completely wet. I'm excited to go swimming next week and curious as to who will join me next.

See you again, maybe?

Father

   This weekend I've noticed something different, about the way I spend my free time. I've spent a lot of time with my father recently, but it's not like we go out or do stuff together much, quite the contrary, my father goes out almost every friday, if not friday then saturday. While I tend to stay home, occasionally going out with friends. Technically it should be the opposite, but I'm not focusing on that at the moment.
   No, recently we've been spending more time together, doing simple things- talking, debating, watching tv, complaining. Simple things that may not mean much, but we seem to be closer then we were before. I think it's because subconsciously we're holding on to what family we have left near us. Afraid we're going to lose each other next. Although, if I'm asked this I'd probably deny it and it's natural for a father to want to spend time with his kid.
   He used to always try to get my brother and I out- for a walk, to the beach, a restaurant, the city, anything. Now we sit on our couches and watch a show or the news while eating breakfast, talk about or days and any topic that comes to mind. I can say it's been a long time since I felt content. This weekend that's what I feel. I didn't do anything amazing or exciting or thrilling, but I had a good weekend. It's been a long time since I've felt this way. I like it.
   He's a strange man. He want's to see the world before it's too late. He's not a fan of work, but has two jobs. Name a movie and he's probably seen it at least three times. If it's cold he'll be sure to get sick twice or more. His appearance makes everyone think he's younger then he really is, but he's still terrified of getting old, even if he doesn't say it out loud. He loves ginger tea with honey, but not too sweet. His eyes show a man that has worked to get to where he is. He's made plenty of mistakes, but they all lead him to america. Where there he made more until he married, had children, returned, then saw his family split in two.
   We had a talk not to long about about how his life could have looked like if he'd never gone to america. He'd have probably started his own business like his friends. Make a decent amount of money, be married to a different women then he is now, and have different kids then he does now. His english wouldn't be as good and he wouldn't know how to drive without hands. He also wouldn't be doing what he does today and I think that out-weights all the other reasons. I find that what he does is amazing and really interesting. It's not often you can see someone do what he does.
   My father is a man with many flaws- he's lazy, stubborn, angers easily, has little patience, drinks too much with his friends, can be vengeful, hateful and mean, but there's more to him then just his flaws. Underneath that you find a man who loves with his whole heart, when you earn his trust you have it till the end, he's truthful, helpful, caring and understanding. There's more that I don't even know about, because I'm just getting to know him- my own father- who I've lived with for so many years and would never have known so much about him, until the split.
   My father told me something his close friend said to him, his friend said he was jealous of how well we get along, because his daughter is older then me, but they have more troubling talking with each other. Maybe they have trouble being open with each other, although I don't tell my father everything. He doesn't know about this for example, but everyone has their secrets. Anyway my dad was surprised when he learned of this, hell even I was when I heard it, because before I thought it was normal for kids to get to know their parent(s). To spend time with them and all that, but no it's not. My father asked around his other friends and it turned out it was just us. This strange friend-father-daughter relationship we have is unique.
   It's strange I thought my father and I would drift after I came back, but we seemed to get closer together. My father, thankful to have at least one kid back, and me, well I'm just glade to be back. I may be a bit more rough around the edges then when I left, a few chipped pieces her and there, but I'm still somewhat whole, kinda. Maybe that's why we get along better, because we're all we have left.

Maybe, I'll see you around.  

       

Who am I....?

   I can't understand myself, my thoughts, my actions, my words. But that doesn't make sense, how can one person not understand themselves? I mean it's you- your personality, your traits, your character, your actions, your words. So how is it that you can't understand yourself? Correction, how is it that I can't understand who I am. I look at myself and see a girl, a child almost, filled with contrasts.
She's shy, but can speak out against authority.
She's book smart, but only has a C average in school.
She's lazy, but loves to train Kung-fu.
She's terrible at sports, yet athletic.
   The list goes on more negatives then positives, but that's just another trait of mine. Though this can't only be my problem, can it? I have this tendency to go over things I've said or things I've done. I can't help, but think I should have done this, or why did I do this? I seem to constantly berate myself. It just frustrates me! I can't understand my own thought process or my 350 degree personality changes. At the same time when I look back at the day I worry about being mean to my friends or those around me. I'm just so confused and my thoughts are everywhere!
   I seem to be this constant jumble of thoughts, worries, opinions, frustrations, moods. It's like I'm everywhere and nowhere at the same time, slowly driving my self to insanity trying to comprehend, what is going through my brain. Her is a perfectly normal, plain looking girl, but is that really there? That's the question, what do you really see? When I think of how I look like and when I look in the mirror I see to different images and because of this I don't look in mirrors more then necessary.
   It's just I haven't gotten through the week yet and it seems like I'm waiting for something to happen, but am unsure as to what the something is. Monday I was constantly shaking, not visibly, but I could feel it in my bones and it affected my writing style. Tuesday I was anxious. I couldn't sit still constantly moving either tapping my fit or wringing my hands. Hell during my long break I took a power walk around the park without a jacket when it was cold outside. People looked at me funny, but I didn't care, I just needed to move run, get rid of energy as quickly as possible. Today my mind feels like it's playing with me. It's like it's saying something, telling me something, but I just can't hear it. Constantly nagging me keeping me frustrated and moody.
   I could just pass this all off for hormones, but is that what they really are. Is what I'm really going through really just part of the crazy hormones teenagers go through? How, when I'm pretty much done growing and on the edge of adulthood? It's mostly in my consciousnesses, this waiting, because that's what it is- waiting. I'm waiting for the bomb to explode, so I can run like hell before the damage becomes to much.
   That's just another thing I've noticed, I'm constantly running. I run from my past, my family, my friends, myself, my problems and anything that I find frightening. When I leave school without my friends it's so fast it can practically be called running. Although I don't run from things physically, more like avoid them or jump around the subject matter. I'm getting better at it too, which probably isn't a good thing. Avoiding certain subjects, not being alone with certain people. I seem open to people, but I hold on to my deepest secrets like a life line.
   I seem to have trouble coping. I just want to disappear, be in the background, but I'm still noticed! Why is that? There's nothing special about me, yet people take notice of me. I wish they wouldn't. They expect things from me and I know I won't deliver. Pressure, I'm feeling pressure. I just realized this, huh. I'm feeling pressured from.... many people it seems. It's about tons of different subject matter too, so it's kinda like I'm slowly being squashed. I'm not sure what I should do about this, maybe it'll get better. Although those are fool's thoughts. It'll get worse, before it get's better, of that I'm positive. I wonder if I'll explode?

Maybe, I'll see you around...       

Confusion

   I have finally and unfortunately reached the age of my first 'official' crush. Why do I say official, because when I was younger I had three other crushes, but I was so little I don't think they can be called that. Now just to continue with the trend I'll introduce you to my past 'crushes.'
   My first ever love interest was a close friend of mine- Greg. We played together a lot, because our dads worked for the same company. It helped that we went to the same school both spoke the same two languages and were the same age. We would always play house in his back yard. It was a big grassy field and there were lots of yellow and white wildflowers. We used to pick them together and give them to our moms, it was cute. One day though, I'm not sure what came over me, I told him I liked him more then a friend. We were out back picking flowers when I said this and I can still remember the look of horror and disgust on his face. He yelled something at me, probably ew, gross or similar in meaning, then ran into his house. I was devastated and from that moment on I fled from him like the plague. I closed in on myself a bit and I guess this is what caused me to be a bit more reserved and shy. We never really talked after that, even when we got older. I feel bad and angry at myself. How could I have ruined such a good friendship! Me and my stupid feelings!
   The next one happened a year later. The circumstances were pretty much the same, except the boys name was Micheal. Although we 'dated' for two years or so. Why do I have dated in quotations, because this all happened in elementary school. That time where kids are care free and childish. Anyway Micheal and I ended up getting into a fight at the end of fifth grade and broke it off. After a week or so passed I remember being angry at myself again. I ruined a great friendship, because of my stupid feelings.
   If I was able to get close to one of the two again, I'd like to see how Micheal's doing. I remember he was great at this one video game that he, my brother and I would play when he came over. He did a great Mario impression too. I wonder if he still wants to be part of the FBI?
   My final crush was quick to come and leave, because the guy was ten years older then me. It was my dads friend, who was single and really nice. I saw him often and maybe that's why I developed a crush on him, I think he knew too and that's why he teased me so much. My friend would always laugh at my blush, because I would be as red as a tomato when he talked to me sometimes. Then he moved and it passed. I saw him just three months ago, purely by accident. We met at the airport, he was there to pick up his sister, so we talked while we wanted for my mother. It's safe to say it was a childish crush, completely gone now. I felt nothing towards him, just a tinge of happiness for seeing an old acquaintance again after so long.    
   Now I have a new problem that's getting difficult to ignore. I've been aware of it ever since last year, although it has steadily been growing and becoming more annoying. It just frustrates me so much! The boys name is David and I find him to be cutie yet handsome in his own way. He's a bit nerdy, because he's into video games- League of Legends, but I have nothing against that. I tried the game myself to see what the fuss was about and I can understand it.
   Davids a bit taller then me, probably 4 or so centimeters taller. He's got dark brown eyes a bit of a mustache and has really bushy brownish-black hair. It's like a helmet cut hairstyle, except it's longer and blocks his upper face sometimes. He's got a normal build, not over-weight, but not super athletic either. He doesn't really seem to be into sports. I know he seems to hate swimming or at least finds it a big pain in the ass. We have swimming lessons at school and he would always complain or make these funny remarks.
   He should wear glasses, but he doesn't. He says he wears them at home and after I tried picturing him in them, it's probably a good thing he doesn't wear them to school. I'm pretty sure my face would be as bright as a ruby. His over all personality is really cool too. He knows how to be sarcastic, but isn't rude or mean with it. I didn't find out until this year that he's actually really funny. During english class whenever we do speaking in pairs we always end up laughing. I find that I look forward to english classes these days, which is something new for me. He can also be kind, but only when he thinks someone needs his help, or is his friend. He's got interesting points in his character as well, for one he can be lazy, but everyone is. He's just not afraid to say I wasn't going to waste my time with such an assignment. There's also the fact that he doesn't seem to care if someone has more authority or not. He tends not to care what the teachers think as long as it doesn't make his life more difficult.
    At least that's what I think he's like, I don't know him all too well, although I'm slowly getting there. I sit with him in english class now and it's a lot more fun. I'm really glad I changed my seat. I originally did it, just so I could start talking with the guys I used to sit with last year. They're an all around interesting group, but I'll talk about them again later. I thought I got over my crush during the summer, but now I'm not so sure. I find that I tend to occasionally glance in his direction or just watch him for a few minutes a day. No, I am not being a stalker, I'm just checking to see if he's healthy or looks ok. I may have a crush on him, but he's a friend and I take care of my friends. These past few weeks my feelings have slowly blossomed and it can be pure torture!  I saw his sleeping/ dozing face during history thursday and I almost melted. He looked so innocent and I just wanted to ruffle his hair so badly. God, I'm a freak.
   It doesn't help, that I think he's slowly becoming aware of my crush which spells bad for me. Why? Two reasons, he'll play with me and break my heart (which I don't think he'll do) or I'll lose my friendship with him and the others. I really don't want that. Schools just a bit more tolerable with him and my slowly growing group of friends. I really hope I'm able to control these feelings, I don't want to scare him off. I hate this, me, my feelings. The fact that I sound like some love-sick puppy doesn't make me feel any better. Sigh, thank whoever came up with the internet, cause if not I think I'd have a break down with all of my thoughts running rampant in my mind.

Sigh, maybe I'll see you around?     

    

I wonder if my feelings will turn into something more........

Chaotic thoughts

It's been over a week since I've written here, at least I think so, and I have to say my thoughts are a mess. It's so bad that I can't even sleep, so here I am typing away at 11:39 in the evening pouring my heart and brain out so that I can finally organize my thoughts. I wanted to wait until tomorrow to write, but I just couldn't. It seems writing is a wonderful stress reliever for me and the best one, since I drew a few pictures today, but that only seemed to take off the edge. I could have played the piano, but my father was home and I hate playing when he's here. I'm strangely self conscious or some type of bullshit like that.
   Now my thoughts are everywhere, so this isn't going to make much sense, but I just need to get it off my shoulders. Firstly I train Kung-Fu and have been training it for about three years. I see myself as a beginner or a high white belt and because of this I attend both the advance class and beginners class. Now I'm quite happy with this, building my muscles and perfecting my techniques in the beginners class, while learning new things in the advance class, but I have an opportunity. My friend just started to learn parkour and has invited me to join him in his class. At first I was excited and readily agreed to attend, but my enthusiasm was squashed when I was told that classes are on thursdays ans tuesdays for 7:30 till 9:00. The first thing that clicked in my brain was kungfu practice. This happens to be the time for beginners classes and it wouldn't be such a loss- theoretically, but after a bit of time had passed me wanting to take up parkour along with kungfu, it made me feel wrong. As if I was disgracing or betraying kungfu. How is that possible? But I feel guilty wanting to try something new, even though I can honestly say I'm very close to loving kungfu more then a hobby or sport. So I decided I would go for one parkour class and see how it is. Just one and decide if I would enjoy this more then two training's. And although I've made my decision and I want to stick with it, but I feel terrible, even though I know what I'm doing isn't wrong. It's strange feeling guilt, because of a sport.
   The next thing laying in my mind and chewing at my sanity is my parents and brother. I always seem to have family problems these days. My father wants to start planing for vacation early so he can buy tickets cheap, but he needs to know if my mother will allow my brother to come. He needs to know, so that he doesn't waste money on an extra ticket. So he asked me to write an email and that's what I did. I got a reply fairly quickly saying my mother was fine with my brother visiting, but she wanted to be speak with my father first. This is where it backfired. My father doesn't want to speak to my mother yet. It's too soon for him. There separation is to fresh in his mind and he can't handle talking to her. I can understand him, maybe not completely, but at least partially. So now the question is, will my brother end up coming? Who knows, it could go either way, since sometimes I think the mother who gave birth to me is bipolar. I haven't written to her yet, but I probably will tomorrow. I can picture her reply in my head 'Well it seems your father is still a child if he can't get over our separation after 7 months.' Or some other such non-sense. She can be so inconsiderate at times. It makes me wonder how I turned out the way I did. I can be so different from my parents it's frightening, but I do have small traits from both of them. Although my father still always jokes and says they switched me at the hospital.
   Now on to my final problem for today, maybe. Do you know it is much harder to be left behind then to leave someone behind. I know you can disagree and say it's equally painful for booth parties, or that it's harder to leave someone behind, but here's my opinion.
   In the past year I've had to say goodbye more times then I wished to- my grandmother, my mother, my brother, a dear friend, my best friend and my closest blood relatives. One of the goodbyes was permanent and another name will be added to that list in a weeks time, my tutor. All of these people listed have left either physically or spiritually. It hurt each time some more then others, but each time it was till painful to leave, to turn around and walk away, unaware of the next time you'll see each other again. Maybe that's why I refrain from saying 'goodbye' and instead stick with a 'see you later', or 'till next time.'
   The most prominent thing in my head is when my best friend and I said 'goodbye' well it was more like a farewell, since I don't think either of us spoke the cursed word. I remember hugging her tightly and breathing in her scent just trying to burn the memory into my brain. We spoke a few whispered word that I'm unsure of at the moment, maybe she said 'I'll see you next summer' and if she did then I probably replied 'maybe.' We hadn't seen each other in three years, but she welcomed me back as if I had never left. I almost teared up, but I stayed strong. She commented on my emotional control, but she like many others are unaware, that behind closed doors I break down. I wonder how many years will past till I see her next? She starts college after this year, so she'll be busy starting her life. Who knows when I'll see her next....
   Another 'goodbye' that stuck in my brain was mine and my brothers. His voice is what I remember the most, our hug brief, but tight. We were at the airport I had said goodbye earlier to my mother and grandmother and he was last. My mother asked why I was so cold during out goodbye, but even I'm unaware or the answer to that. Maybe it was the setting or me trying to put on a brave face form my sibling. It could have been anything, but my face was kept neutral and dry of tears.
   When my brother and I hugged it felt specially since we rarely ever did such a thing. This one was sad though and when I was about to turn around and leave I remember the desperation in his voice to kick him, punch him anything for that ounce of normality back in his life, but I just tousled his bushy brown hair and said 'see ya later kid.' Waved one last time to my family then never looked back. That was the hardest part, not looking back and I regret it immensely, so now every time I separate with someone when walking with them I always look back. I'm not sure why, maybe it's to know that they can go on without me. To be sure that the world will continue to spin.
   The most recent thing I'm facing though is my tutor. She's been teaching me for three years now and I always thought she would be here, until I write my final exams and be one of the first that I text or call telling them I passed, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I was told on our first lesson that she'll be moving in a months time or so and that I would have to find a new teacher. My brothers goodbye was still fresh in my mind and I couldn't hold back the tears for this one. So soon, I thought, why so soon? It was so sudden and I never expected it. She tried cheering me up, by saying we would still write emails to each other and we could meet when she's in town, but it's not the same. I know, because it's the same contact I've had with my best friend, mother and brother.
   We're on our last few lessons now and it's difficult to do homework thinking in a few weeks time I'll get homework from somebody else, because I need these lessons I can't go without them. I can't help, but feel bitter with my self. I hate how I get so attached to things, even though I know they will leave. Everyone always leaves or you do the leaving, that's life, but it still hurts every time. I can't help but think it hurts more to be left behind, maybe it's because it was so sudden and unexpected and that's why it hurts, but either way it makes my heart ache.
   I hate it, emotions. They cause me so much pain, but I can't seem to lock them away no matter how hard I try! Why is that?! Can't I get a blissful feeling of numbness? I used to get them often when my parents were fighting and I didn't appreciate them then that's why I picked up the knife, but now I'm close to picking it up again just to get rid of the suffocating loneliness, emptiness. Just being here hurts. This huge empty house hurts. Every time I look at the door across from mine it hurts! Memories are a terribly painful thing and I wish dearly to lock them away. I think I need to start meditation again, although I've been meaning to do so for the past two weeks. Now I have more of a reason, besides to learn how to control my emotions.

Maybe I'll see you around...  

Emotions

   I'm a bit confused. Recently my mood has been great, wonderful almost. It's strange I haven't felt like this in over three or fours years. I don't understand why. Although it's not like I'm constantly happy or something, no I'm content. Which is strange I haven't been content in god knows how long. I should be happy about this, but I can't, because I don't understand why.
   I can't help, but feel like I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop. Monday was great, fun even which is strange for me cause it was a monday and I had school. I don't like school, in fact my dad rarely asks how was school since I always give the same answer- boring. Now I'm constantly waiting for the shoe to drop. Something terrible is going to happen and someone or something is apologizing in advance. Which is never a good sign. I just have so many questions! Today didn't help much either.
   I was finishing gym when my gym teacher calls out to me then says a few sentences, I can't remember what at the moment, then tells me I have a mystic face or something similar. After that interaction I'm trying to understand what the hell he meant by that. I have a mystic face, what in Tom's name is that suppose to mean?
   So during my break I took it apart. You see, I am not a fan of gym. I'm pretty sure I'm on the verge of hating it, but I'm not sure. Because of this I tend to not be in the best mood during that period, so my expression is neutral, bored or the occasional amused one when my classmates do something silly.
    Is that what he meant? Could he be talking about my faces, or is he talking about the control on my emotions. I'm not really sure and I have close to no clue. I mean it's not like I'm bringing the class done because I'm not athletic, I'm fairly average in that department, so it can't be that. He know's I train outside of school, so maybe he finds it funny that I'm terrible at team related sports? It's not my fault I can't act like myself during gym.
   I'm shy, but can put up a brave front when needed. Although if people look closely at my hands they would notice their shaking or trembling. I have bad social skills alright sir? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I'm just different from most of the girls he has to teach, because when it comes to gym girls tend to fall into two categories- the ones who like sports and the ones that don't. I'm kinda in the middle, because I like sports I wouldn't train otherwise, but I don't like team sports.
   I just don't understand my teacher. Did he say that to cause me trouble, to irritate me. Is it a hint that he wishes for me to change my behavior in his class, be more enthusiastic or something. Or maybe, just maybe it was an actual compliment and I should stop looking into it. It could be anyone of those things and at this time I wish I had a better memory of the conversation, but I don't. So I shall stop analyzing it here and move on with my life. Maybe I'll keep it in the back of my mind and watch out for my teacher from now. I could be irritating him with my attitude, but it's not like I cause him trouble. I'm on time to class, I attend regularly and don't complain.
   This is just causing me a headache. I think I'm done, so I'm not going to look into it anymore, but still the question remains- why?

Maybe I'll see you around.      

Prologue

   The evenings light reflected off her glasses as she stared up into the empty night sky. That's right, empty. Earth has changed so drastically lately that even the stars have hidden themselves from us, so that all that we see when we look up is a black empty void. Nothing to light up our night. Only the strongest telescopes can find those rare jewels up in the sky and even then they're just a small glimmer, nothing more.
   Most kids nowadays don't even know we used to have stars, since adults decided it's useless information.  Although nowadays kids have knowledge of different things, nothing of what you know now. They don't know what school is, a library, they're unaware of the term book and instead call them capsules. For books now only store information needed to live and work, nothing more. Many humans have lost human traits and because of this humanity is not the same. If you compare the world of 2013 and the world of 2053 you will see they are nothing alike.
   How's the world so strange you wonder? It's because of a scientist, when is it not, who invented a machine that rid humans of their bad characteristics. It was meant to help the world, to stop wars and encourage peace, but it got out of control. This scientist lost his mind and was manipulated by the world leaders. They saw it fit that everyone would undergo a personality fix. After all people were the ones who started wars. It was the peoples fault, while the government tried to clean up there mess.
   A bunch of bullshit if you ask me, but laws were passed and many underwent the change. Until soon everyone was numb, because that's what the machine did. It removed all negative emotion, programmed proper etiquette into people. Making everyone polite, but cold. Because of this the happy emotions were dulled out and everyone became dull, boring numb. And it seemed to be peaceful, but over time the government noticed the population was dwindling slowly,but surely. People didn't feel lust or love, so they didn't marry or have children. Worried they set up marriages. 60% of the population was given a husband or wife and told it was there duty to have at least one child. And that's what the people did. Just as they were told, like dogs.
   With the crises averted the higher power relaxed. The children born from the changed people had the same personalities as their parents. They were numb, cold. So the personality changing machines slowly gathered dust since they were no longer needed. While the higher power ruled for 20 years they soon found it unnecessary. Since problems were few and far in-between. The world council set solid iron rules for the world that everyone was to fallow, including:
-There shall be no violence. If so the human will be put to death.
-Negative emotions are unnecessary and only hinder you.
-Everyone who is given a husband/wife must have at least one child.
-All weapons are Illegal.        
-Anything from before the year 2022 is forbidden.
These five basic rules dictated the lives of the citizens of Gaia, because that is what they were now. All country borders were abolished and a single languages was decided upon, while all others were discarded. English was chosen as Gaia's language, since it was the most known language at the time and the term Gaia from greek mythology, although this information was lost over time due to the great purge.
   The great purge you ask. It was decided  in the year 2022 that the world was to be reformed. The government decided to change the planet start over from scratch, so they cleaned everything that was found unnecessary. The internet was cleaned everything that you know of now would be gone- youtube, reddit, facebook, twitter, blogger, google. Everything was taken down and new helpful things were put in it's place. This was done quickly and efficiently, the whole process only took about ten years.
   So that's a bare boned outline of what happened to the world- it became numb, grey, cold, lifeless. On the whole planet there were only two people who had there own personalities, there minds. These two creatures, for they could not be called humans, have been on Gaia for over 300 years.
 

Five Senses

It smells like fresh cut grass, pinewood and shampoo

It tastes like fresh buttery popcorn and fruity skittles

It feels like soft cotton, being tightly clutched in a final embrace

It looks like a clear night sky with a few stray stars trying to brighten the lonely evening

It sounds like a wavering, unspoken promise, as their final goodbyes are said 

    It hurts more to hear the word "Goodbye" then to speak it, because the one leaving has something to keep their mind occupied. It helps keep their thoughts focused on everything, but that final exchange. While the one hearing those words can try their hardest to close their minds, but it will still echo. After a while both of them are tormented by these echos. The scene plays over in their heads and they start to second guess themselves. Did I make the right choice? Should I have stayed? When will I see them again? These questions appear and we're powerless to stop them. 

   Although this isn't for everyone, only for close friends or people you've grown attached to. Sometimes you get so used to seeing someone that it becomes impossible to think of a time without them and then suddenly, just like that those words are whispered and they're gone. Just like the wind and you didn't even realize how much they mean to you until you stop seeing them. When they start to be to far away, out of your reach. 

   I think saying goodbye is one of the most painful things there are. Flesh wounds can be healed quickly over time and then they disappear with only the occasional scar in it's place. This isn't like a flesh wound though, because they tend not to hurt until after sometime has passed and when it  does hurt- it can be indescribable. You suddenly hit this wall and you realize you miss them and wish they were hear with you. 

   This isn't like love where you end up being heartbroken crying about the unfairness or life and then being angry at your ex- no this can be worse. How? It's because you end up questioning yourself. Did I make the right choice? Why was I so stubborn? Maybe if I thought it over it'd have ended differently. These thoughts plague you and will force you to think no matter how long you run from it- you eventually stop running.

   Once you start to go over your actions you can become bitter or angry either at yourself, a second party or the world. It varies, but most end up being angry at themselves, after all it was their choice. Unless someone forced you to leave then it was your choice. 

   I could have stayed, but it just felt so wrong. I hated it their, I was miserable. The grey walls, empty house with only the cicadas to keep me company. I felt so out of place in this huge continent. I just wanted to return to everything that I knew, maybe that's why I left. I was tired of starting over. In the past three years I've gone through three different classes, each time meeting new people. Each time trying to fit in and trying to make friends, but I have enough. The final class I got to know, I didn't try to make friends, not at all. I remained aloof. It seemed I was unapproachable, because I didn't really start getting to know anyone until five months into the school year. Even then it was only a single girl who was trying desperately to fit in, but gave up after months of trying. She realized the friends she was pursuing weren't to her taste and tried to get to know me. 

   I'm not sure what it is she saw in me, but she walked up to me and started a small conversation. She started sitting next to me in class and eating lunch with me. We slowly got used to each other and our friendship blossomed. 

   It's how our friendship started and I'm curious as to how it will end. I wish at times she would realize I'm an awful person and would just leave me, but then I get a painful feeling in my chest and want to just hug her close. It's strange she seems to tell me almost everything and yet I still keep her at arms length. Maybe I don't want it to hurt as bad. I've got a few years till I get to see where that goodbye goes. I'm curious if I won't just disappear. Maybe it'll be easier to just fade out of the picture. Who knows. 

Maybe I'll see you around.  

Just stumbling by

   I just got through my first week of school and I have to say it feels like a month has already passed since I arrived here. Time has been moving slowly, yet quickly. My mind is occupied and I try to focus on my school work, but I still find myself drifting. My thoughts going off on their own into territory I would rather not venture into. Although I started training on Tuesday and have been in constant pain ever since. My stiff muscles getting used to physical exercise again after two months of laziness. I'm not sure how long that will last though, because after a few weeks my muscles get used to the heavy exercise and they stop being so stiff. Though now the pain helps ground me and reminds me that I'm still breathing. 

   I've noticed that certain songs I listened to a while ago have changed their meanings for me. Most of the time I would think of my dear friend left behind and I would be saddened by this, but that was it. Now though certain songs seem to break me, remind me that I left him behind, I abandoned him of my own free will. It's my fault that in a few months time we'll become strangers to each other and nothing more. It hurts when these thoughts come up and at first I would have to fight back tears, but now, now I just feel numb, empty. It doesn't matter anymore, in a way it's probably better that way. Get on with your life. You were going to disappear anyway you just started a bit earlier. I'm drifting from my parents. For Pete's sake I call them mother and father! I've never done that before! I don't even say 'I love you' when I finish talking with my parents. It's just see you later, done. 

   I've become bitter I guess. I could blame it on my mother saying it's her fault that our family has been torn to pieces, all because she left and then kept my brother there. There's also my father to blame, why did you make us all move? Couldn't you have left us there or found a job there? But that just doesn't feel right at all. I can't blame them, because I know in their own screwed up way they wanted what was best for us. They wanted my brother and I to have a happy childhood, but that didn't really work. 

   For the past 3 years I have slowly lost my innocents, my naivety and childishness. I'm not the same I was before, putting up masks easily, avoiding human contact and companionship. I know I'll lose them all one day, so why not keep them at arms length? It'll hurt less then won't it? It seems I grow more and more irritated of my class each day finding them boring, annoying, childish. I still get along better with adults then kids my age which is strange, but I've gotten used to it. 

   This summer I learned from a smart man that it is better to be underestimated. It may seem annoying, but it will give you an edge over others. At first I didn't believe him, but after talking for hours on end I was slowly convinced and realized he was indeed correct. After all what better way to defeat your so called enemies then by surprising them? I learned the basics of the mask from him and he helped ground me during the summer when I was lost, frustrated, angry and confused. This was unfortunately short lived, because the man I had come to respect and was slowly starting to care for passed away the last day of July. When I received the email from his wife I cried, harder then I ever had in a long while. Though the tears were silent and lasted no longer then ten minutes I still found it painful to think of the man. I saved all his emails that we wrote to each other, but I can't bring myself to read them again. It's too soon for me and I've cried enough this summer. 

   It's funny my mother thinks I'm cold, yet I've cried more in the past two months then I have in the past ten years. I'm sick of tears now, the annoying buggers, so I'm going to stick to my colorful language and anger instead, until I can slowly real it all in and be left with nothing. I wonder how long it would take to master my emotions. Only time will tell it seems. 

   Even if this week has been crappy and annoying I think I found the way I wish to die- aconite or monkshood. I happened upon the information of the plant by accident and was quickly absorbed in what I had found. It was as if I had struck a goldmine. It was perfect. Although difficult to find, monkshood gives a 100% chance of death if eaten and kills within the hour. It's painful, but I think I deserve it for terrible way of life. The best part though is that after death the human looks like they have died of sophistication, a natural cause of death. Meaning my family would never know of my thoughts. Unless by some miracle they happened upon this blog or found my journals. I'd have to say this was probably the highlight of my week, which in a way is depressing, but I'm already suffering through that, so I guess it doesn't really matter. 

Guess, I'll see you around.         

Life's confessions

   I miss him.

   I confess! I miss him! My dorky, silly, childish, annoying, naive brother. I haven't seen him for a week and I'm ready to through a temper tantrum, break something or snap one of the chits necks in my class. Anything to make me stop feeling this empty. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it... It's worse then when my mother left. It's worse then when I moved from my friend. It's worse then when I didn't cry when leaving them and my mother called me cold. Why? That's a stupid question, for I know why. 

   He was always there, always. Whenever my brother and I went somewhere we would go together. If we were separated it wasn't for any longer then a week. He was a constant in my life and now I've just thrown it away. That small weight in my chest is constricting and I'm not sure how long I last before I snap. 

   I'm afraid of what will happen when that does. I know I've changed. I'm darker, jaded and a bit more sadistic. Is this because of what I went through or is it my true character showing through. Who knows. It's said that a humans character changes every seven years, but I don't find that true. What changes our characters is what we go through, our life. The hardships we face is what shape us. I've become darker and layered because of this. What's layered you wonder that's simple- it's masks. Over time people put on masks, facades depending on the situation. At school I seem cold, aloof, but to my friends I'm kind and quiet. To my father and mother I'm "open" and happy with plenty of energy. While my brother get's the same treatment as my parents, but I let my darker side come through occasionally. These slip on without a though. And sometimes I wonder if this is normal and I'm actually showing my true character or not, but I don't think so. After spending time with a really close friend my first thought was 'thank god I got that over with.' I've never thought something like that. It's scary, but the truth. Now I wonder if I'll eventually just stop contacting my friends and drift away. 

   Will such a thing hurt, I wonder? It's possible, but at the same time very difficult to imagine. I think it might. When I was returning the day before I spent the whole day with a very close friend. We've known each other for so long and I didn't have those thoughts when we said goodbye- my voiced cracked "see you again someday." That's what I said and I almost cried, but I held it back and locked it away. I seem to withhold my sadness. At least tears. Though no one has noticed that I miss him. Is it so well hidden or am I asking too much? Even if someone noticed what would I want from them? i wish for a friend, but at the same time I wish everyone would leave me alone. I'm trying to get my father to accept an amazing job offer that will keep him out of the country for a few months. 

   I crave solitude, I enjoy it, but I still wish for someone to understand. It's difficult. I'm so screwed up in the head. Indecisive. Depressed. Suicidal. Name a negative trait and I probably have it. If it was possible to get rid of emotions I think I might do it, just so I wouldn't be this whirlwind of whatever the hell it is I am shit. I just hate these feelings inside me! I wish they would go away! One of the main reason why it hurts so much is the thought the he and I will become strangers to each other. It's scary and possible now that we're so far apart. Who knows when I'll go there again. Not anytime soon, that's for sure. I hated it there. 

   It was the manifestation of my happy, naive childhood. A constant reminder of what I have lost and will never again get back. My memories of my parents and family are now tainted, because of what I have gone through and lost. The only one who suffered the least and still has a chance at getting their childhood back is my brother, though it won't be the same. Still he has a shot at it, because mine has finished. I may look like a child, but I've lost the characteristic traits of children. I just have to last ten more years and I can be done. That's all that's getting me through the day sometimes. That chant- ten more years, just ten more years. Well we shall see. 

Guess I'll see you later.  

Life's Frustrations

   I have recently come to a dilemma and am still unsure as to what I should do. At the moment I'm really bored. Extremely so. My father offered to buy me a new tickets so I can come home earlier and not miss a few days of school. At first I declined, because there were still things I wanted to do, but now after a few days have passed I'm starting to reconsider. I don't enjoy sitting at home for 8 or so hours alone while my brother is at school and my mother at work. It gets so lonely with barely anything to do there. My only options are reading, writing, and playing pokemon. You can only do that for so long. I can't go on the internet unless I go somewhere, which is really tiresome, because I don't enjoy people asking me why I'm not at school. So I thought it out and wrote to my father asking him if it would be really expensive to overbook my ticket or something like that. 

   I just hope when I tell my mother, if I do leave early that she won't be angry with me. It's annoying and I'm getting sick of constantly beating around the bush with her and others. It's difficult and annoying trying to hold my tongue, making sure my face is neutral or showing the right expression. It's just so frustrating! That along with the constant boredom penetrating my brain and I'm not sure how long it takes before I crack.

   I wonder if I do crack will I go insane or just become a bit darker. I already know I'm a bit jaded and my mother is aware of it to a degree,  but it's so small she probably thinks it's dark humor. I wouldn't  be surprised. I seem to have masks on even with family, although they do come off more often then they do when I'm in public or in a strangely good mood. I tend to just go with my emotions, but I can suppress them to a degree. It helps to keep my mind occupied, but reading doesn't always work since it's like second nature for me now. And I never seem to be able to watch tv for long periods of time anymore, unless it's informative or a really good mystery. 

   I'm slowly changing and it's interesting, but at the same time frustrating. It's probably because I'm a teen and in a few years time I should be done. My hormones will stop partying and I'll be more in control, hopefully. But I still feel like I'm missing something and I just don't know what it is! I feel empty inside this empty apartment. I hate it. I just want to return, but I can't. At least not yet. Luckily school will start up for me soon and I should be able to keep my mind focused on that for most of the year, but who knows my mind doesn't always wish to cooperate and it goes off on it's own. One day I hope to find what I'm looking for, but for now....

I guess, I'll see you around.

Life's Emotions

   I'm at that age where I'm a tornado of emotions. One minute I'm happy, the next angry, after that I'm sad and so on and so on. I'm probably a downright prat to most people, although I've had enough practice that I can keep a neutral face in public. Thanks to it people tend to shy away from me seeing the dead look in my eyes as I pass them. If my family or friends saw it though I think they might be frightened by it and I wouldn't be surprised. The expression looks foreign on my annoyingly childlike face. It'd be interesting to hear what peoples thoughts are when passing them. Just a few sentences that give you a general idea of whats going on in there. Even if it is a rude and an invasion of someone's privacy.

    Back to emotions though. I've been trying to figure out this one. I've been feeling it at the moment for a while and I can't understand what it is. I feel a pain in my chest and my mind is numb. I'm sluggish and I have to force myself to do anything. I want to just lay around and do nothing, but then I get annoyed at my laziness and seem to get angrier at myself. Maybe it's me wanting to go back. I'm sick of this place and this feeling of nothingness. I know I don't belong here, I can feel it in my bones. I hate the feeling. I got it a few days after coming here when we drove past our old house. I had this huge bout of nostalgia that it almost made me cry. I was completely consumed by the emotion and it was the focus of my time for the next few days.

   It helped when I saw my friend again. She welcomed me back as if we saw each other yesterday, but that was it.   After that I still felt this pain while there. I don't belong here. It's a constant thought. It plagues me. I really hope that when I return it goes away,but I don't think it will. It'll always be there in some way whenever I look across from my room and see the empty one. The one that's suddenly void of life. The one where just a few months ago had a constant, annoying, yet friendly companion who always took my shit. I'll miss him dearly.

   I think this is the first time I've ever even acknowledged these thoughts. I won't admit them out loud though, never. I've cried more than enough this summer and I'm sick of it. I need to practice meditation again so I can slowly lock up my emotions. That's what's causing me my problems. Then I'll slowly drift away, so that I'm forgotten. After all his life will slowly start back up again and I'll fall slowly into the monotony of mine again. Keep my schedule busy and I'll rarely have to think about such things.

   I wish it was raining or at least cloudy. I want to see grey and this sunny blue sky isn't making me feel any better. It's only causing me pain and sadness at the moment. I wish I had my knife, but at the same time I don't. I wish to feel pain, but I don't want even more scars to show my sadness. My Weakness. I started this to help get my mind off everything. To lighten the load off my shoulders a bit. It usually helps, but the empty house is probably burning a hole into my heart and maybe that's the reason. I only have 12 more days left till I leave. I just have to last these last few days then I can lock up myself for a little while. Forget everything. Bury it deep inside and only expose it to the world here. My family won't know this is me. I doubt they know such a sight exist and even if they did they are unaware that I write here.

   What soothes you. For me it's dark clothing-black, grey, mahogany are some of my constants. It helps that people tend to avoid those who wear black, because of stereotypes. Even if it does cause me trouble in school. Making it hard to find friends, but I don't mind. After all that makes annoying pricks less inclined to speak to the girl in black.

Maybe I'll see you around. 

Life's drifting thoughts

Blue skies, I love those blue skies

I love those bright blue days, everyday.

Blue skies, I miss those blue skies

I miss the blue days, all the time.

   This is a song I occasionally sing to myself when walking home from school. I made it up one day when I was walking home, because I was lonely. I missed my best friend and this little song was thought up for her. Although I've come to realize that 'blue skies' or 'blue days' can have a number of meanings depending on my mood. Sometimes it's my wish to redo my whole life or to go back to the times my parents never fought. When life was in my opinion perfect. 

   Sometimes I miss being ignorant. I'll daydream every once in a while and imagine myself as a young child. Constantly laughing, running around and causing trouble. Those were the days of blissful ignorance, but I know that this thinking is wrong. You can't focus on the past. The past is there to learn from. You glean information from it, whether it's about your life, someone elses life or a disaster/war. That's why historians are important. They learn what civilizations did wrong. They try to understand how they survived, coming up with thousands of theories. Scientists are similar, but most look at how the world, earth, universe works now. Not all scientist are like this, but most. This is of course my opinion and anyone has a right to disagree.

   There are some people though, who become fixated on the past and they forget that life is constantly moving forward. Time doesn't stop. Organisms are constantly evolving. Humans are frequently coming out with new inventions. For better or worst everything is always changing. Some ancient philosophers would disagree with this theory saying everything is the same it's just changing shape, but that's to difficult for me to imagine.

Another song I've kind of thought up goes like this, although it has nothing to do with the earlier subject.

I've got my blue jeans and old hat. 

I'm ready to go and never come back.

There's just one thing I've got to know,

Will you miss me when I go?

   I came up with this when I was playing the piano and my dad was teaching me this blues piece. It kind of sung to my soul and I was quite happy playing it. I haven't mastered the song yet, but I'm practicing and hopefully one day I'll be able to play it fully.This song kind of talks about my dream. I wish to escape from everything I know, but at the same time the people I met will be kept close to my heart and I can't help, but wonder if they will miss me if I never see them again. 

   I got this feeling with my cousins recently. We aren't really close at least not anymore. When we were younger we were inseparable, but now it's almost like we're strangers and the only thing connecting us is blood. I said goodbye to them when we were leaving from vacation and at the last minute I told my cousin the one closest in age to me- "Good luck with your life." I think he was confused, because he paused for a second than just said thanks. Maybe this feeling is wrong, but I can't help but feel that I won't see him again for a few years again. It's sad. The fact that I just can't stay close to my family, because I just push them away with my cold and aloof attitude, even though deep down I'm screaming at myself.

It infuriates me- my behavior, but I don't keep it bottled up. I left myself go through my writing. The way I wished I had acted is written down. The situations are a bit different, but the gist of it is the same. I think everyone has this at least occasionally. Where they wished they had acted differently. Where they wish they were different. Whether they want to be stronger, more open, happier, friendlier or other traits. Many people wish they were different in some way shape of form. That's just the way it works. People constantly strive for something better material or not. It's what many people call progress, but I call it self loathing or greed. 

It's sad this world we live in, striving to be perfect even though we know that such a thing doesn't exist. We ourselves create perfect beings so that we have something to strive towards. Whether it's to serve that being, get into his good graces or become a part of him. It gives people some kind of purpose to their lives, no matter how strange I believe it to be. Many people would probably say I'm going to hell and I most likely am if it exists, but I personally hope to return to my star. There's so few of them lately. It's really sad and I can't help, but feel lonely when I look up into the night sky. 

Well, I guess I'll see ya around. 

Following the wind

I have concluded that this summer I have spent almost 24 hours on a plane and that's not even including my 12 hour plane ride to get back home. Which may I inform you will be soon! I'm finally getting to go home, but can I really call it home? I've been thinking about that word a lot lately- home. Home as a noun has more then 10 definitions.

1. A place where one lives; a residence.

2. The physical structure within which one lives, such as a house or apartment.

3. A dwelling place together with the family or social unit that occupies it; a household.

4.

   a. An environment offering security and happiness.

   b. A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin.

5. The place, such as a country or town, where one was born or has lived for a long period.

6. The native habitat, as of a plant or animal.

7. The place where something is discovered, founded, developed, or promoted; a source.

8. A headquarters; a home base.

9.

   a. Baseball Home plate.

   b. Games Home base.

10. An institution where people are cared for: a home for the elderly.

11. Computer Science

   a. The starting position of the cursor on a text-based computer display, usually in the upper left corner of the screen.

   b. A starting position within a computer application, such as the beginning of a line, file, or screen or the top of a chart or list.

 

Now all of these definitions are correct, but when I think of the word home def. number 4 pops into my head. A place where I feel happy, safe, comfortable. I used to think that was with my family. My home. It didn't matter where I was as long as I was with my family, but now it's different. I can't help but want to escape from my family. Hide from them and disappear after I finish college and move out. I'm not sure if it's just a faze, but that's what I've been feeling. I feel as if I'll never grow up or learn to be responsible unless I have to care for myself. As long as I have to depend on my parents in some way I'll always be a child. 

 

It frustrates me so much and at this moment I can't help but feel like I'm being held back, but by who I'm not sure. It could be my parent's, my brother, my situation or myself. I want to open up and change, but I know I can't do that now- be selfish. Now I have to play the part of a good daughter, even if I'm not playing it perfectly. Just smile and try to hide the darkness in your eyes. Pretend that everything is ok, even if it's not, because that's life. 

 

I've noticed that I have been saying a phrase to people a lot lately. I'm not sure where I got it from or if it's my own personal type of philosophy, but it goes like this- "Life has to be tough or else it'll be boring." I wonder how many people could agree with this, but lately this is what keeps me moving towards my goal- to find my home. 

 

My goal in life right now is to find my place in the world. I'm looking for something that will make me feel like I'm important, needed, wanted. I want to desperately search for this place called home. Whether it's a person, a club, a group of people, a house, a certain town or country it could be anything. It doesn't have to be physical, just someplace I can feel happy and not just content, because that's all I feel occasionally contentedness. Although I've given myself a time limit for this self-centered  purpose of mine. If I am unable to find what I am looking for by the time I reach my golden birthday, well by the end of that year I think I'll be done. You could call this the cowards way to go or giving up, but I don't really care. I'm just tired and my will is weak.

Guess, I'll see ya around.

Life's Stresses

   Stress one of the most annoying things in the world. It can be the cause for diseases, sickness, mental breakdowns and many many more!! Isn't that just splendid? I sometimes wonder if it can cause cancer to form in the brain or tumors. It's just terrible and I hate it! When I was younger I couldn't tell if I was stressed. I had and still have trouble understanding my own emotions. Why is it so hard? Is it because I can't look at the situation objectively?
   You see my father called today. Asking how it was going and I was super nervous, because I wrote him an email which I poured my soul into. I gave him my thoughts about our situation. So I was scared that he'd be angry at me, but he didn't get it. Fucking Yahoo didn't get my email!! I was so worried about what he'd say and nothing. So I tried to explain what it said, but I just got so tongue tied  and frustrated that I ended up making a fool of myself. It's just so frustrating! I can never say my mind. I always stutter or get stuck on words. My brain is a bit slow, but it works. It's easier to express myself when I write. I can think about what I want to say and I don't have to worry about anyone sneering at me. Making me feel smaller then I already am.
   Sigh, it doesn't help that my mothers disappointed in me. I felt like a stranger last night when we were all eating dinner. There we are sitting at the table eating tacos and I can't help, but feel out of place. Like I don't belong where I am. I just want to go home. I don't feel completely at ease there, but it's not as pronounced as it is here. It doesn't help that I feel like a complete disgrace. Like dirt or a bug. Like a tool that gathering dust.
   I wish it was possible to lock up emotions. To completely close them into the back of your mind. Whenever I meditate I imagine locking my emotions in a box. Turning the key in the lock and throwing it away. Sometimes it helps keep them at bey, but not always. Maybe over time they'll slowly go away. I'll soon forget what sadness, happiness, stress, relief, misery feels like. The only thing I'd have left would be numbness. I couldn't get hurt and I'd be left alone.
    Because that's what I plan to do. Disappear. I think after a year my parents would forget about me or I'd just pop into their heads every few months. I'm easy to over look, even now. It's a great asset, but sometimes I can't help but feel lonely and wish that someone would see me, but doesn't everybody want that. Someone to see them.

Some people crave solitude, but no one can withstand it. 

Guess, I'll see ya around.

What Life's been up to

   Well it's been uh... how many months since I've last written 8. Yes, 8 months have passed since my last measly vlogpost. Why did I stop writing? I guess I just forgot. Or life got too stressful. Ya, I guess it's that one.
   You see my parents split in February, but only physically on paper they're still a married couple. They don't want to go through all the legal stuff to get a divorce so just went there separate ways. Now my mom left at the end of February, great birthday present thanks. She moved to another country, back to where we used to live. Now I can say I saw this coming and was just waiting till the bomb dropped, till my parents were so sick of each other that one left. You can call me heartless go ahead, because it definitely seems like I am. Seriously what kid waits for there parents to split? Well listen, or read really, here the reason I wanted them to split was because of  the fighting and yelling. My brother and I would have to be careful what we talked about, because almost anything could invoke a rant from my mother and she was even worse when she consumed alcohol. I could see my mother was miserable here and that her and my father were drifting apart.   So we waited, my brother and I until one day my mother took me out of the house bought me ice cream then told me 'I'm leaving.' And in two months time she was gone.
   In that time my brother and I lost a bit of childish innocence. I'm angry that my brother had to go through such an ordeal. That his memories are tainted with fights and yelling. He's not that young, just became a teenager recently, but I'm still protective of him.
  Now as soon as my mother left another war started. I like to call it a "tug-of-war", because in reality thats what it was and still is. My parents were fighting over us. Who gets to keep us. Where do we get to live and all that. It's pretty even on both sides, because my mother is perfectly able to care for us, just like my father. And ever since we came to my mothers place for vacation they have been exchanging emails about who gets to keep my brother. I already told my mother that I'm going back and nothing she can do will stop me. I'm almost an adult and she may not like it, but oh well. I just wish she would respect my opinion and leave it be, but no. She has to constantly bring up the subject trying to lure me in. She just doesn't understand that I'm not attached to this place anymore. Sure, I've got a family and a few friends here, but I feel like a foreigner whenever I walk around the city. When I lived here I was more innocent less tainted. I never had the thoughts that I have now. I was less broken.
  Well, because of my decision my parents are fighting over my brother. Sending emails to each other as to why he should stay or go back. I saw a few of them. My father wanted me to know what was going on. So I read them and couldn't help, but see how childish they were acting. There emails were filled with sound arguments. Both giving key points, but they couldn't come to an agreement. So it went back to them ignoring each others existence and both telling my brother he's either coming home or staying here.
   Now I was sick of this. The pressure I was feeling from them and around me. I could tell my brother would be consumed by it to so I wrote an email. It was filled with my thoughts about what I think about the argument going on with my parents. So I sat down and wrote an email to my father telling him that my brother should stay with my mother while I come back. I gave arguments as to why that is and my thoughts about my parents arguments and the like. I kind of spilled out my soul in it, because once I started writing I couldn't stop until I had gotten my point across. When I finished I felt as if the weight was lifted from my shoulds that I didn't know was there,but at the same time I felt like a terrible person, because I condemned my brother.  I don't know if my dad will take my arguments into consideration I haven't received a reply from him, but I hope he does. I'm just so sick and tired of this fighting. I want it all to end.
  As for my brother I know once he finds out that he'll hate me. That I left him here, because that's what it'll be. You see we've had the conversation before. We're pretty close to each other ever since the move. He doesn't really have friends where we live now and the only reason he wants to go back is because I am. At least that what he says. So I can't help, but feel like a god awful person at the moment condemning my brother like I am.
  I just want this all to end. I know a lot of kids have gone through something like this. Many probably have it ten times worse then me, but I can't hep but feel sad and tired. I just want everything to be over with, but it can't be. Not that quickly. It'd be too easy and life can't be easy or it will be boring. Well I spilled my soul guess, I'll see ya around.