Just stumbling by

   I just got through my first week of school and I have to say it feels like a month has already passed since I arrived here. Time has been moving slowly, yet quickly. My mind is occupied and I try to focus on my school work, but I still find myself drifting. My thoughts going off on their own into territory I would rather not venture into. Although I started training on Tuesday and have been in constant pain ever since. My stiff muscles getting used to physical exercise again after two months of laziness. I'm not sure how long that will last though, because after a few weeks my muscles get used to the heavy exercise and they stop being so stiff. Though now the pain helps ground me and reminds me that I'm still breathing. 

   I've noticed that certain songs I listened to a while ago have changed their meanings for me. Most of the time I would think of my dear friend left behind and I would be saddened by this, but that was it. Now though certain songs seem to break me, remind me that I left him behind, I abandoned him of my own free will. It's my fault that in a few months time we'll become strangers to each other and nothing more. It hurts when these thoughts come up and at first I would have to fight back tears, but now, now I just feel numb, empty. It doesn't matter anymore, in a way it's probably better that way. Get on with your life. You were going to disappear anyway you just started a bit earlier. I'm drifting from my parents. For Pete's sake I call them mother and father! I've never done that before! I don't even say 'I love you' when I finish talking with my parents. It's just see you later, done. 

   I've become bitter I guess. I could blame it on my mother saying it's her fault that our family has been torn to pieces, all because she left and then kept my brother there. There's also my father to blame, why did you make us all move? Couldn't you have left us there or found a job there? But that just doesn't feel right at all. I can't blame them, because I know in their own screwed up way they wanted what was best for us. They wanted my brother and I to have a happy childhood, but that didn't really work. 

   For the past 3 years I have slowly lost my innocents, my naivety and childishness. I'm not the same I was before, putting up masks easily, avoiding human contact and companionship. I know I'll lose them all one day, so why not keep them at arms length? It'll hurt less then won't it? It seems I grow more and more irritated of my class each day finding them boring, annoying, childish. I still get along better with adults then kids my age which is strange, but I've gotten used to it. 

   This summer I learned from a smart man that it is better to be underestimated. It may seem annoying, but it will give you an edge over others. At first I didn't believe him, but after talking for hours on end I was slowly convinced and realized he was indeed correct. After all what better way to defeat your so called enemies then by surprising them? I learned the basics of the mask from him and he helped ground me during the summer when I was lost, frustrated, angry and confused. This was unfortunately short lived, because the man I had come to respect and was slowly starting to care for passed away the last day of July. When I received the email from his wife I cried, harder then I ever had in a long while. Though the tears were silent and lasted no longer then ten minutes I still found it painful to think of the man. I saved all his emails that we wrote to each other, but I can't bring myself to read them again. It's too soon for me and I've cried enough this summer. 

   It's funny my mother thinks I'm cold, yet I've cried more in the past two months then I have in the past ten years. I'm sick of tears now, the annoying buggers, so I'm going to stick to my colorful language and anger instead, until I can slowly real it all in and be left with nothing. I wonder how long it would take to master my emotions. Only time will tell it seems. 

   Even if this week has been crappy and annoying I think I found the way I wish to die- aconite or monkshood. I happened upon the information of the plant by accident and was quickly absorbed in what I had found. It was as if I had struck a goldmine. It was perfect. Although difficult to find, monkshood gives a 100% chance of death if eaten and kills within the hour. It's painful, but I think I deserve it for terrible way of life. The best part though is that after death the human looks like they have died of sophistication, a natural cause of death. Meaning my family would never know of my thoughts. Unless by some miracle they happened upon this blog or found my journals. I'd have to say this was probably the highlight of my week, which in a way is depressing, but I'm already suffering through that, so I guess it doesn't really matter. 

Guess, I'll see you around.