Now my thoughts are everywhere, so this isn't going to make much sense, but I just need to get it off my shoulders. Firstly I train Kung-Fu and have been training it for about three years. I see myself as a beginner or a high white belt and because of this I attend both the advance class and beginners class. Now I'm quite happy with this, building my muscles and perfecting my techniques in the beginners class, while learning new things in the advance class, but I have an opportunity. My friend just started to learn parkour and has invited me to join him in his class. At first I was excited and readily agreed to attend, but my enthusiasm was squashed when I was told that classes are on thursdays ans tuesdays for 7:30 till 9:00. The first thing that clicked in my brain was kungfu practice. This happens to be the time for beginners classes and it wouldn't be such a loss- theoretically, but after a bit of time had passed me wanting to take up parkour along with kungfu, it made me feel wrong. As if I was disgracing or betraying kungfu. How is that possible? But I feel guilty wanting to try something new, even though I can honestly say I'm very close to loving kungfu more then a hobby or sport. So I decided I would go for one parkour class and see how it is. Just one and decide if I would enjoy this more then two training's. And although I've made my decision and I want to stick with it, but I feel terrible, even though I know what I'm doing isn't wrong. It's strange feeling guilt, because of a sport.
The next thing laying in my mind and chewing at my sanity is my parents and brother. I always seem to have family problems these days. My father wants to start planing for vacation early so he can buy tickets cheap, but he needs to know if my mother will allow my brother to come. He needs to know, so that he doesn't waste money on an extra ticket. So he asked me to write an email and that's what I did. I got a reply fairly quickly saying my mother was fine with my brother visiting, but she wanted to be speak with my father first. This is where it backfired. My father doesn't want to speak to my mother yet. It's too soon for him. There separation is to fresh in his mind and he can't handle talking to her. I can understand him, maybe not completely, but at least partially. So now the question is, will my brother end up coming? Who knows, it could go either way, since sometimes I think the mother who gave birth to me is bipolar. I haven't written to her yet, but I probably will tomorrow. I can picture her reply in my head 'Well it seems your father is still a child if he can't get over our separation after 7 months.' Or some other such non-sense. She can be so inconsiderate at times. It makes me wonder how I turned out the way I did. I can be so different from my parents it's frightening, but I do have small traits from both of them. Although my father still always jokes and says they switched me at the hospital.
Now on to my final problem for today, maybe. Do you know it is much harder to be left behind then to leave someone behind. I know you can disagree and say it's equally painful for booth parties, or that it's harder to leave someone behind, but here's my opinion.
In the past year I've had to say goodbye more times then I wished to- my grandmother, my mother, my brother, a dear friend, my best friend and my closest blood relatives. One of the goodbyes was permanent and another name will be added to that list in a weeks time, my tutor. All of these people listed have left either physically or spiritually. It hurt each time some more then others, but each time it was till painful to leave, to turn around and walk away, unaware of the next time you'll see each other again. Maybe that's why I refrain from saying 'goodbye' and instead stick with a 'see you later', or 'till next time.'
The most prominent thing in my head is when my best friend and I said 'goodbye' well it was more like a farewell, since I don't think either of us spoke the cursed word. I remember hugging her tightly and breathing in her scent just trying to burn the memory into my brain. We spoke a few whispered word that I'm unsure of at the moment, maybe she said 'I'll see you next summer' and if she did then I probably replied 'maybe.' We hadn't seen each other in three years, but she welcomed me back as if I had never left. I almost teared up, but I stayed strong. She commented on my emotional control, but she like many others are unaware, that behind closed doors I break down. I wonder how many years will past till I see her next? She starts college after this year, so she'll be busy starting her life. Who knows when I'll see her next....
Another 'goodbye' that stuck in my brain was mine and my brothers. His voice is what I remember the most, our hug brief, but tight. We were at the airport I had said goodbye earlier to my mother and grandmother and he was last. My mother asked why I was so cold during out goodbye, but even I'm unaware or the answer to that. Maybe it was the setting or me trying to put on a brave face form my sibling. It could have been anything, but my face was kept neutral and dry of tears.
When my brother and I hugged it felt specially since we rarely ever did such a thing. This one was sad though and when I was about to turn around and leave I remember the desperation in his voice to kick him, punch him anything for that ounce of normality back in his life, but I just tousled his bushy brown hair and said 'see ya later kid.' Waved one last time to my family then never looked back. That was the hardest part, not looking back and I regret it immensely, so now every time I separate with someone when walking with them I always look back. I'm not sure why, maybe it's to know that they can go on without me. To be sure that the world will continue to spin.
The most recent thing I'm facing though is my tutor. She's been teaching me for three years now and I always thought she would be here, until I write my final exams and be one of the first that I text or call telling them I passed, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I was told on our first lesson that she'll be moving in a months time or so and that I would have to find a new teacher. My brothers goodbye was still fresh in my mind and I couldn't hold back the tears for this one. So soon, I thought, why so soon? It was so sudden and I never expected it. She tried cheering me up, by saying we would still write emails to each other and we could meet when she's in town, but it's not the same. I know, because it's the same contact I've had with my best friend, mother and brother.
We're on our last few lessons now and it's difficult to do homework thinking in a few weeks time I'll get homework from somebody else, because I need these lessons I can't go without them. I can't help, but feel bitter with my self. I hate how I get so attached to things, even though I know they will leave. Everyone always leaves or you do the leaving, that's life, but it still hurts every time. I can't help but think it hurts more to be left behind, maybe it's because it was so sudden and unexpected and that's why it hurts, but either way it makes my heart ache.
I hate it, emotions. They cause me so much pain, but I can't seem to lock them away no matter how hard I try! Why is that?! Can't I get a blissful feeling of numbness? I used to get them often when my parents were fighting and I didn't appreciate them then that's why I picked up the knife, but now I'm close to picking it up again just to get rid of the suffocating loneliness, emptiness. Just being here hurts. This huge empty house hurts. Every time I look at the door across from mine it hurts! Memories are a terribly painful thing and I wish dearly to lock them away. I think I need to start meditation again, although I've been meaning to do so for the past two weeks. Now I have more of a reason, besides to learn how to control my emotions.
Maybe I'll see you around...
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