Life's confessions

   I miss him.

   I confess! I miss him! My dorky, silly, childish, annoying, naive brother. I haven't seen him for a week and I'm ready to through a temper tantrum, break something or snap one of the chits necks in my class. Anything to make me stop feeling this empty. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it... It's worse then when my mother left. It's worse then when I moved from my friend. It's worse then when I didn't cry when leaving them and my mother called me cold. Why? That's a stupid question, for I know why. 

   He was always there, always. Whenever my brother and I went somewhere we would go together. If we were separated it wasn't for any longer then a week. He was a constant in my life and now I've just thrown it away. That small weight in my chest is constricting and I'm not sure how long I last before I snap. 

   I'm afraid of what will happen when that does. I know I've changed. I'm darker, jaded and a bit more sadistic. Is this because of what I went through or is it my true character showing through. Who knows. It's said that a humans character changes every seven years, but I don't find that true. What changes our characters is what we go through, our life. The hardships we face is what shape us. I've become darker and layered because of this. What's layered you wonder that's simple- it's masks. Over time people put on masks, facades depending on the situation. At school I seem cold, aloof, but to my friends I'm kind and quiet. To my father and mother I'm "open" and happy with plenty of energy. While my brother get's the same treatment as my parents, but I let my darker side come through occasionally. These slip on without a though. And sometimes I wonder if this is normal and I'm actually showing my true character or not, but I don't think so. After spending time with a really close friend my first thought was 'thank god I got that over with.' I've never thought something like that. It's scary, but the truth. Now I wonder if I'll eventually just stop contacting my friends and drift away. 

   Will such a thing hurt, I wonder? It's possible, but at the same time very difficult to imagine. I think it might. When I was returning the day before I spent the whole day with a very close friend. We've known each other for so long and I didn't have those thoughts when we said goodbye- my voiced cracked "see you again someday." That's what I said and I almost cried, but I held it back and locked it away. I seem to withhold my sadness. At least tears. Though no one has noticed that I miss him. Is it so well hidden or am I asking too much? Even if someone noticed what would I want from them? i wish for a friend, but at the same time I wish everyone would leave me alone. I'm trying to get my father to accept an amazing job offer that will keep him out of the country for a few months. 

   I crave solitude, I enjoy it, but I still wish for someone to understand. It's difficult. I'm so screwed up in the head. Indecisive. Depressed. Suicidal. Name a negative trait and I probably have it. If it was possible to get rid of emotions I think I might do it, just so I wouldn't be this whirlwind of whatever the hell it is I am shit. I just hate these feelings inside me! I wish they would go away! One of the main reason why it hurts so much is the thought the he and I will become strangers to each other. It's scary and possible now that we're so far apart. Who knows when I'll go there again. Not anytime soon, that's for sure. I hated it there. 

   It was the manifestation of my happy, naive childhood. A constant reminder of what I have lost and will never again get back. My memories of my parents and family are now tainted, because of what I have gone through and lost. The only one who suffered the least and still has a chance at getting their childhood back is my brother, though it won't be the same. Still he has a shot at it, because mine has finished. I may look like a child, but I've lost the characteristic traits of children. I just have to last ten more years and I can be done. That's all that's getting me through the day sometimes. That chant- ten more years, just ten more years. Well we shall see. 

Guess I'll see you later.