I have recently come to a dilemma and am still unsure as to what I should do. At the moment I'm really bored. Extremely so. My father offered to buy me a new tickets so I can come home earlier and not miss a few days of school. At first I declined, because there were still things I wanted to do, but now after a few days have passed I'm starting to reconsider. I don't enjoy sitting at home for 8 or so hours alone while my brother is at school and my mother at work. It gets so lonely with barely anything to do there. My only options are reading, writing, and playing pokemon. You can only do that for so long. I can't go on the internet unless I go somewhere, which is really tiresome, because I don't enjoy people asking me why I'm not at school. So I thought it out and wrote to my father asking him if it would be really expensive to overbook my ticket or something like that.
I just hope when I tell my mother, if I do leave early that she won't be angry with me. It's annoying and I'm getting sick of constantly beating around the bush with her and others. It's difficult and annoying trying to hold my tongue, making sure my face is neutral or showing the right expression. It's just so frustrating! That along with the constant boredom penetrating my brain and I'm not sure how long it takes before I crack.
I wonder if I do crack will I go insane or just become a bit darker. I already know I'm a bit jaded and my mother is aware of it to a degree, but it's so small she probably thinks it's dark humor. I wouldn't be surprised. I seem to have masks on even with family, although they do come off more often then they do when I'm in public or in a strangely good mood. I tend to just go with my emotions, but I can suppress them to a degree. It helps to keep my mind occupied, but reading doesn't always work since it's like second nature for me now. And I never seem to be able to watch tv for long periods of time anymore, unless it's informative or a really good mystery.
I'm slowly changing and it's interesting, but at the same time frustrating. It's probably because I'm a teen and in a few years time I should be done. My hormones will stop partying and I'll be more in control, hopefully. But I still feel like I'm missing something and I just don't know what it is! I feel empty inside this empty apartment. I hate it. I just want to return, but I can't. At least not yet. Luckily school will start up for me soon and I should be able to keep my mind focused on that for most of the year, but who knows my mind doesn't always wish to cooperate and it goes off on it's own. One day I hope to find what I'm looking for, but for now....
I guess, I'll see you around.
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