Life's Emotions

   I'm at that age where I'm a tornado of emotions. One minute I'm happy, the next angry, after that I'm sad and so on and so on. I'm probably a downright prat to most people, although I've had enough practice that I can keep a neutral face in public. Thanks to it people tend to shy away from me seeing the dead look in my eyes as I pass them. If my family or friends saw it though I think they might be frightened by it and I wouldn't be surprised. The expression looks foreign on my annoyingly childlike face. It'd be interesting to hear what peoples thoughts are when passing them. Just a few sentences that give you a general idea of whats going on in there. Even if it is a rude and an invasion of someone's privacy.

    Back to emotions though. I've been trying to figure out this one. I've been feeling it at the moment for a while and I can't understand what it is. I feel a pain in my chest and my mind is numb. I'm sluggish and I have to force myself to do anything. I want to just lay around and do nothing, but then I get annoyed at my laziness and seem to get angrier at myself. Maybe it's me wanting to go back. I'm sick of this place and this feeling of nothingness. I know I don't belong here, I can feel it in my bones. I hate the feeling. I got it a few days after coming here when we drove past our old house. I had this huge bout of nostalgia that it almost made me cry. I was completely consumed by the emotion and it was the focus of my time for the next few days.

   It helped when I saw my friend again. She welcomed me back as if we saw each other yesterday, but that was it.   After that I still felt this pain while there. I don't belong here. It's a constant thought. It plagues me. I really hope that when I return it goes away,but I don't think it will. It'll always be there in some way whenever I look across from my room and see the empty one. The one that's suddenly void of life. The one where just a few months ago had a constant, annoying, yet friendly companion who always took my shit. I'll miss him dearly.

   I think this is the first time I've ever even acknowledged these thoughts. I won't admit them out loud though, never. I've cried more than enough this summer and I'm sick of it. I need to practice meditation again so I can slowly lock up my emotions. That's what's causing me my problems. Then I'll slowly drift away, so that I'm forgotten. After all his life will slowly start back up again and I'll fall slowly into the monotony of mine again. Keep my schedule busy and I'll rarely have to think about such things.

   I wish it was raining or at least cloudy. I want to see grey and this sunny blue sky isn't making me feel any better. It's only causing me pain and sadness at the moment. I wish I had my knife, but at the same time I don't. I wish to feel pain, but I don't want even more scars to show my sadness. My Weakness. I started this to help get my mind off everything. To lighten the load off my shoulders a bit. It usually helps, but the empty house is probably burning a hole into my heart and maybe that's the reason. I only have 12 more days left till I leave. I just have to last these last few days then I can lock up myself for a little while. Forget everything. Bury it deep inside and only expose it to the world here. My family won't know this is me. I doubt they know such a sight exist and even if they did they are unaware that I write here.

   What soothes you. For me it's dark clothing-black, grey, mahogany are some of my constants. It helps that people tend to avoid those who wear black, because of stereotypes. Even if it does cause me trouble in school. Making it hard to find friends, but I don't mind. After all that makes annoying pricks less inclined to speak to the girl in black.

Maybe I'll see you around.