Life's Stresses

   Stress one of the most annoying things in the world. It can be the cause for diseases, sickness, mental breakdowns and many many more!! Isn't that just splendid? I sometimes wonder if it can cause cancer to form in the brain or tumors. It's just terrible and I hate it! When I was younger I couldn't tell if I was stressed. I had and still have trouble understanding my own emotions. Why is it so hard? Is it because I can't look at the situation objectively?
   You see my father called today. Asking how it was going and I was super nervous, because I wrote him an email which I poured my soul into. I gave him my thoughts about our situation. So I was scared that he'd be angry at me, but he didn't get it. Fucking Yahoo didn't get my email!! I was so worried about what he'd say and nothing. So I tried to explain what it said, but I just got so tongue tied  and frustrated that I ended up making a fool of myself. It's just so frustrating! I can never say my mind. I always stutter or get stuck on words. My brain is a bit slow, but it works. It's easier to express myself when I write. I can think about what I want to say and I don't have to worry about anyone sneering at me. Making me feel smaller then I already am.
   Sigh, it doesn't help that my mothers disappointed in me. I felt like a stranger last night when we were all eating dinner. There we are sitting at the table eating tacos and I can't help, but feel out of place. Like I don't belong where I am. I just want to go home. I don't feel completely at ease there, but it's not as pronounced as it is here. It doesn't help that I feel like a complete disgrace. Like dirt or a bug. Like a tool that gathering dust.
   I wish it was possible to lock up emotions. To completely close them into the back of your mind. Whenever I meditate I imagine locking my emotions in a box. Turning the key in the lock and throwing it away. Sometimes it helps keep them at bey, but not always. Maybe over time they'll slowly go away. I'll soon forget what sadness, happiness, stress, relief, misery feels like. The only thing I'd have left would be numbness. I couldn't get hurt and I'd be left alone.
    Because that's what I plan to do. Disappear. I think after a year my parents would forget about me or I'd just pop into their heads every few months. I'm easy to over look, even now. It's a great asset, but sometimes I can't help but feel lonely and wish that someone would see me, but doesn't everybody want that. Someone to see them.

Some people crave solitude, but no one can withstand it. 

Guess, I'll see ya around.