hollow chest

   I need to write, I know I do, but what do I write about? I'm just unsure. I feel like I've hit a wall today. There's so many things I should be doing and here I am doing everything that I shouldn't be doing. I understand that sometimes the body needs to rest, but it just seems that mine gets too much rest. Maybe it's because recently I have too much on my mind. It even distracted me during training. I'm just not sure anymore, about many things really. I show off a cool, confident person. Someone who's friendly and tries to help, but in reality I don't think I'm like that.

   When I see myself I see a dark, pessimistic, unhelpful, broody, chubby, lazy, ungrateful girl. And I hate that! I just don't know how I'm suppose to look at myself. It doesn't help that I have no talent at anything really. I used to think english was my thing it helped make school easier, but recently I seem to be slipping in it and it frightens me. The same with kung fu, it's as if I'm in front of a brick wall and it's not comming down anytime soon. 

   I look around me and see that everyone is good at something, but me what good am I? I'm useless, I take up space, use up money, breath in someone elses needed air. I don't bring anything to the world or to those around me. A body is all I am and a useless one at that. I wouldn't be surprised that if I disappeared I would only be looked for, for a few weeks- out of obligation- then they'd shrug their shoulders and go on with there lives. My class would be glade to get ride of me, that's for sure. 

   I just feel empty, yes empty. I don't think I realized it until I wrote it down. Why do I feel this way? It wasn't as pronounced yesterday, but today, why is it different? Even my music isn't able to block it out and that tends to block out everything. 

   Could it be because of what happened in english? It was nothing big, but Davids knee rested against mine for a while. I stiffened at first, but slowly relaxed. Then I felt the heat. He was warm, I never thought other bodies could be so warm, because mine tends to be a few degrees cooler then is normal. Only our knees  were touching, but I enjoyed it. Strange, aren't I?

   Maybe it's because My father and I don't really hug much. He might put his chin on my head when he's watching me on the computer or I'll do the same with him, but that's it. There's not much contact when it comes down to hugs, although we talk more often, but I think that's so we don't go insane in this empty, soulless house.

   I decorated my room today, to make it seem more happy. I don't feel any happier, but maybe my dad will be fooled. I guess it's to make me seem normal to others or something.I'm not really sure as to why I did it. 

   I've noticed I keep looking towards the weekend, as if it will save me from my troubles. All of my problems will be solved thanks to it, but that's not true. Maybe it's because I get to sleep longer. Sometimes I wish I'd fall asleep and never wake up. My father probably wouldn't notice until he got back from work and by then my body would be cold. I've also thought of just leaving, going away and never coming back. Then after some time I'd probably end it, enter Dante's hell and be eaten by the harpies. I hope I'm a tree. Although as punishment, I'd probably end up being a bush.

   I'm just tired, but it's not from lack of sleep. It's a strange type of tiredness that comes from life. Everyday it's harder and harder to get up, to go to school, to move on to walk forward. Slowly I drain away. Maybe it's my emotions and by then I'll be so used to the hollowness in my chest I won't notice it anymore.

 My biggest and worst characteristic is that I get too attached. So I have to try to slowly drift away.   

 My biggest regret is that I'll probably never know what the feeling love is like.

 My biggest fear is that people will notice that I'm pushing them away and they won't care. 

 My highest hope is that someone will see behind my facade, someone who cares enough to try to break it.

 My last wish is to find someone who loves me and I love them equally in return. 

   Although in this world there's no such thing as love. So many people get divorced or separated. They don't try to talk things through, they just stop talking altogether. Then those memories they held dear to them are now useless and only cause pain or anger. Everything they went through with that one person is now viewed as foolish or not thought of at all. They cast it all aside and look on for something new. Some separate after being together for a few months some years others decades, why? 

   Love is a virtue that is cast aside in this day an age and it scares me, because I don't want to be hurt, but I want to try to find what love is. That's the thing though every time I've confessed they ran away and called me names. It hurt and I don't want to hurt anymore than I do now. I want someone to see me, but I want to run and hide. I to be remembered, but also forgotten. I'm full of contradictions and it doesn't help my thoughts at all. Since all the questions floating in my head are always going to be unanswered. Slowly they'll pile up, until the day comes where there won't be room for more and I'll stop. That will be the day I lose my sanity or my life.  

See you around, or maybe not.