Who am I....?

   I can't understand myself, my thoughts, my actions, my words. But that doesn't make sense, how can one person not understand themselves? I mean it's you- your personality, your traits, your character, your actions, your words. So how is it that you can't understand yourself? Correction, how is it that I can't understand who I am. I look at myself and see a girl, a child almost, filled with contrasts.
She's shy, but can speak out against authority.
She's book smart, but only has a C average in school.
She's lazy, but loves to train Kung-fu.
She's terrible at sports, yet athletic.
   The list goes on more negatives then positives, but that's just another trait of mine. Though this can't only be my problem, can it? I have this tendency to go over things I've said or things I've done. I can't help, but think I should have done this, or why did I do this? I seem to constantly berate myself. It just frustrates me! I can't understand my own thought process or my 350 degree personality changes. At the same time when I look back at the day I worry about being mean to my friends or those around me. I'm just so confused and my thoughts are everywhere!
   I seem to be this constant jumble of thoughts, worries, opinions, frustrations, moods. It's like I'm everywhere and nowhere at the same time, slowly driving my self to insanity trying to comprehend, what is going through my brain. Her is a perfectly normal, plain looking girl, but is that really there? That's the question, what do you really see? When I think of how I look like and when I look in the mirror I see to different images and because of this I don't look in mirrors more then necessary.
   It's just I haven't gotten through the week yet and it seems like I'm waiting for something to happen, but am unsure as to what the something is. Monday I was constantly shaking, not visibly, but I could feel it in my bones and it affected my writing style. Tuesday I was anxious. I couldn't sit still constantly moving either tapping my fit or wringing my hands. Hell during my long break I took a power walk around the park without a jacket when it was cold outside. People looked at me funny, but I didn't care, I just needed to move run, get rid of energy as quickly as possible. Today my mind feels like it's playing with me. It's like it's saying something, telling me something, but I just can't hear it. Constantly nagging me keeping me frustrated and moody.
   I could just pass this all off for hormones, but is that what they really are. Is what I'm really going through really just part of the crazy hormones teenagers go through? How, when I'm pretty much done growing and on the edge of adulthood? It's mostly in my consciousnesses, this waiting, because that's what it is- waiting. I'm waiting for the bomb to explode, so I can run like hell before the damage becomes to much.
   That's just another thing I've noticed, I'm constantly running. I run from my past, my family, my friends, myself, my problems and anything that I find frightening. When I leave school without my friends it's so fast it can practically be called running. Although I don't run from things physically, more like avoid them or jump around the subject matter. I'm getting better at it too, which probably isn't a good thing. Avoiding certain subjects, not being alone with certain people. I seem open to people, but I hold on to my deepest secrets like a life line.
   I seem to have trouble coping. I just want to disappear, be in the background, but I'm still noticed! Why is that? There's nothing special about me, yet people take notice of me. I wish they wouldn't. They expect things from me and I know I won't deliver. Pressure, I'm feeling pressure. I just realized this, huh. I'm feeling pressured from.... many people it seems. It's about tons of different subject matter too, so it's kinda like I'm slowly being squashed. I'm not sure what I should do about this, maybe it'll get better. Although those are fool's thoughts. It'll get worse, before it get's better, of that I'm positive. I wonder if I'll explode?

Maybe, I'll see you around...