Tiny frustration and irritation

     I just came back from training today and well, let's just say compared to yesterdays wonderful workout, this one was a bust. Sometimes I wish I was a male! Seriously this whole 'I've gotta be a fucking gentleman' crap irritates the hell out of me. This is martial arts class man, we go to become stronger! We not not be as big and tough, but give us a chance!!!! I just hate it when people won't give me a chance! I know what I can't handle and I understand you want a workout, but I'm not asking to be your partner for the whole lesson, just a few minutes. Jeez, it doesn't help that the girls that are there aren't into it at all and all I'm wondering is why they're here? The only one that had any fire to do it couldn't give her all, because she was still a beginner and had to learn the moves first. Sigh, I just wish I was given a chance or maybe prove myself in some way, but the only people who know I'm not made of glass (at least I hope they don't think that) are too high a level to train with. I just feel so frustrated! I want to improve I want to do better, but not only does my meek character make it almost impossible for me too look strong-ish, I look like a jr high kid and I get nervous around others. Damn it. I'm holding myself back, maybe that's it? All I know is that I'm frustrated with myself, with the guys and with the girls, but mostly myself. How do I improve? Maybe I lack drive, confidence, strength, courage, character...... something!
     The thing I hate the most at the moment though is the fact that I'm screaming in my head and yet on the outside I look perfectly calm. Hell you wouldn't even notice I'm pissed unless you asked me how training was and then I'd probably start talking and you'd hear the irritation in my voice. Damn it! I really wish I was born a boy sometimes. I think it'd make my life easier or maybe I wouldn't be so looked down upon during training. Even though a kind man once told me "It's best to be looked down upon, that way you can catch them off guard." I believe these words whole heartily, but in order to catch someone off guard I have to be good. In order to be good I need to learn from someone who will give me a chance, but I'm too big of a coward to ask! I'm such a waste of space. Even my ashes will be an annoyance.

See you around, maybe.