Don't belong

    Im back in this place, this building, this country, these streets this once was home away from home. Now though, everything feels so wrong. My spirite is screaming at me to pack my bags and leave. Leave this place and the people inside, because this is wrong I don't belong here anymore, this is the past and it should be kept that way. Yet, I'm here and from the first few hours it just felt wrong. My aunt seems to glare at me or give me the cold shoulder as if she were jealous or annoyed with me. What have I done? I haven't even been in your home for 24 hours and yet you seem to loath me? I'm sorry, if there was something I could do to make it better than I would, but you won't tell me and I can't read minds so we are at an impass. I guess I'll just have to stay out of your way till I leave. It's only a few days and the basement is large so I can hide down there. Doesn't keep me from wondering what I have done to earn such a look from you.
    Everyone here still views me as a child, which isn't surprising because family will always see you as such and my baby face probably doesn't help, but this is overwhelming. You don't have to keep asking me what I want to eat and if you should make something for me, if everything is okay, blah blah blah. I will eat when I'm hungry and will try to make something for myself. Don't mind me just let me do me please.
    It's difficult finding food to eat here because I'm so used to just eating rice with veggies, yet here all they have is a lone bell pepper and nothing more. Where's the zuccini? The red and white onions? Broccoli should always be present and there should never be a single bell pepper, don't you know they enjoy being in pairs of groups, all different colors of course. Radishes sometimes like to hang out, but only if there's cottage cheese as well as green onions. Leek's always there as well, even though I don't enjoy it's company too much and how could you forget garlic and ginger, those are staples to any meal. These basic of most basic things that I'm so used to seeing when I open the fridge are gone, nonexistent.
    It's confusing because the cool box is filled with things, different plastic boxes of shapes and sizes, drinks of the sort and meats, but nothing really calls out to me. It's barely been three days, but I already miss my empty frindge at home where it's only filled with what you need and nothing more. The pantry is where we keep things needed once in a while, canned goods, nuts, dried fruit and grains. Sure if you want something at our house you have to cook it to eat it, but that's just how it's been for us for the longest of times. Not to mention our own system.
    It's all so different and I can't seem to find myself here, especially with my aunts eyes burning a hole into my side. What have I done!? I'm sorry, I just wanted to try to reconnect with you all, because family and that bullshite. Specially since I probably won't see you all ever again. I try to crack jokes and get a few laughs, but nothing everyone's so serious here and I feel like I'm sufficating. Why are you so stern and set in your views don't you know that life is short and should be enjoyed to some extent or at least tried to, while at the same time scorned because life is an asshole.
    For fucks sake I can't crack a joke about dieing without people staring at me like I'm crazy. Oi, I'm allowed to do this shit, talk about waiting to die and leting my life blood flow from me, my soul slowly draining from my eyes. Here everyone seems to start when I say something similar. Are you unaware that you will eventually leave this plane of existence? Or do you try to ignore that as you go along with your pointless lives? Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to put them down or make fun of them, this is just fact. People passing on is sad, you're losing someone that meant something to you, filled your life with some meaning, gave it more color. They will be missed, but that doesn't mean you should avoid death like the plague. It's a fact of life that everyone will face in some shape or form.
    I'm not sure what I'm doing. Last time I was here I acted the way they wanted me too, but now I'm too comfortable with myself. I'm not afraid to show my personaltiy be who I am, but I can see it's not wanted or appreciated. I guess, I'll just be quite and stay here in the basement. I don't want to put on an act for you all just so you can remember someone I'm not. It's sad, because I wanted to get to know you all again, remember you in some way shape or form, because I really don't have too much family, but I guess I won't. It's too bad, I'm not perfect in any way nor am I an interesting person but I'd like to think I'm a good presence and conversationalist, after all I have a lot of friends that are a lot older than me and we all get along pretty well, so what's holding you back?

    Only time will tell I guess. 

An Old You

Do you ever wonder what happened to the younger you, the child you?

You know, the one that saw the world and wasn't afraid of it's vastness.

Had dreams for the future that never seemed too big or small.

Wanted to grow up and see the world without anything holding them back.

That innocent you, unaware of so many things, yet still so happy with everything around them.

So naive and childish, but that is exactly what you were for the longest time.

One day though you grew up.

It didn't happen over night, nor were you aware of it, but it happened. You probably didn't realize it until you looked back and really thought about it.

Still it's not something you want to think about, because honestly you don't know what happened to the younger you. The one filled with dreams and hope, innocents that is no longer within you, a purer you, you could almost say.

What happened to them?

Were they snuffed out by those around them?

Stomped into the ground by self preservation in the hope to better blend in with their surroundings?

Did they adapt in order to live more comfortably, safer?

Could you yourself have killed them off? Like an old childhood friend that you no longer had anything in common with?

Because in order to get to know the world you had to grow up, so you had to leave your childish self behind. 

For their naivety was something that you no longer could hold on to. Their hopes and dreams that they had scarred and overwhelmed you.  Their innocence and pureness felt so foreign to you, that you stepped away, because you didn't want to taint them. 

Your past self. Something that was your beginning, but now is just a stranger that you can't understand. 

Sometimes you look back and wonder, was that really what I did, how I acted. Sometimes you can't even remember them. All you have to go on are glimpses that remind you of what you were.

That doesn't keep you from thinking- what if?

Doesn't keep you from wondering, if the small bit of white innocents filled with the hopes and dreams that only a child can have, is still in you somewhere.

You try not to think about it anyway, wondering where they went, if they are still maybe here, somewhere, hidden. If all that's left are traces of something you once were or have they been snuffed out.

Still when you do look back you smile while thinking of a fond memory, because a long time ago, before the world changed you, you were that innocent ball of light that so many others once were.

Rambaling about sleep

    For the first time in my life I'm wondering what insomnia is like.
    I've always had trouble sleeping, ever since I could remember, as a primary school kid, a jr high brat and a high school lazy ass. It was normal for me to lay awake for at least an hour before finally succumbing to sleep. I never really talked about it, so I though it was normal for the longest time. Until I found out Larkspur's dad is able to magically fall asleep in three seconds flat. I thought he was different from the norm, that is until Larkspur said everyone in her family is like that. Maybe it's a family thing?
    Curious I went to my own family, questioning how long it takes them to fall asleep. Ignoring their strange stares, they replied it took them between five to ten minutes, not the lighting speed of Spurs family, but still much faster then me. It made me wonder why I didn't have this amazing ability to fall asleep within minutes, yet instead I had to lay around in bed for an hour and hope I fall asleep quickly.
    I kept my sleeping problem to myself for the longest time. I don't think my parents found out till I was halfway through high school. Still my methods of getting to sleep weren't always the best. When I was little I would read until I was so tired that my eyes couldn't stay open, literally making myself exhausted.
    After that I tried going to sleep around 10pm every night, because by my calculations that meant I'd fall asleep sometime past 11. During that hour of staring at the ceiling I devised stories in my heads, some continued for months and they helped me get excited for bed, sometimes even helping me get to sleep faster than the usual time. This method worked for the longest time, but after I moved I stopped these nightly bed time stories, because I kept wishing I was living in them than in the real world. A dangerous thought process for anyone, so I tossed that aside and went back to staring at the ceiling.
    After I started Kung Fu I noticed that the nights I had training I fell asleep much faster than usual, so I took to doing light exercises before bed most nights. This allowed my body to feel physically tired and thus shut itself off faster. After more than a year of training I found this method eventually stopped working. Really, now it only works during the summer when I barely train at all. So again my sleep dilemma begins.
    This time I turn to meditation. Surprisingly it helps a lot, laying in bed and focusing on my breathing for a few minutes. This seems to help ease my mind into a going to sleep now state and keeping my body as still as possible means eventually I will get some rest. It's a bit of a process that's literally taken years to figure out and polish, scratch that it's still not 100% perfect yet, because I still take at least an hour to get to sleep, but because I can enter this strange meditative half sleep it means I'm getting some rest.
    Despite all of this I never thought I could have insomnia. I've heard about it and read and watched a couple of videos on the topic, but what I've gone through, go through, never seems to be exactly what insomniacs go through. It's something that I think about sometimes when I lay awake on those nights where nothing will help me fall asleep, I just have to wait till my body decides to shut itself off.
    These past two weeks that thought has been going through my head even more. Although, honestly the reason I'm having even more trouble sleeping now is because it's just that oh so wonderful time of the year again. The one that so many people love and that small fraction hate. Guess, which one I'm a part of. Doesn't help that I'm going to have to actually celebrate it this year. So many things are on my mind and I can't even cuddle with Aster, because he's even busier with school than I am. So many little things that my mind decides to stress about when it could just turn itself off and go to sleep.

Maybe I'll see you around.

Don't Remember My Name

          My arms burn, but that means little to me as their aching only means I have to keep them up. The opponent isn't easy. They're bigger than me, which isn't unusual since I am short, but they have a long reach which is always my worst nightmare. Still I keep my guard high, to try to block some hits from going in on my head. 

My shoulders burn, but it's just egging me on to get closer to get that shot in. Fuck it, I'll get hit, but that matters little when I can give back as good as I get. A suicidal strategy when one thinks about it. Get hit to leave the opponent open for a second just so you can return the favor. 

I care little about that though, because when I'm facing someone, anyone, the only thing that matters is the fight. The then, there and now. 

The world outside of this match is nothing it doesn't exist, only the pain, the heat, the sweaty brows and the aching lungs. 

Focus on not getting hurt. Focus on returning the favor. Focus on the fight. Forget about the monsters. Forget about your fears. Forget about the nighttime terrors. At this very moment none of that matters. It's just you and them, everything else is gone at this moment. 

My arms burn, my ribs ache, I feel a bit dizzy, but for once my resolve is steel. I crack a smile enjoying the adrenaline pumping through my veins, because this is one of the few moments when I feel alive. When I forget about the emptiness. When I ignore the fact that I feel like a stranger in my families home's. When I let everything go for that one moment to just focus on coming out of the fight. 

Focus on the pain. Focus on your strength. Focus on your breath. 

Focus, for nothing else matters right now.  

Fake smile?

    I'm so tired. My nights are always restless these days, well they have been for the past two months, but these last two weeks have been terrible. My work load isn't that bad. I'm managing everything, but I haven't really gotten to see Aster much recently. Those days where we spent Friday till Sunday together are gone. He has to many things to do just like me. Still those nights where we slept in the same bed, even though it was from three to ten, they were my saviors.
     Those were the only nights I could sleep peacefully and without worry. There was somebody there to remind me that reality is real and the darkness hasn't taken over. Now I can't even peer into the darkness in fear that I will see something, anything that my mind will decide to conjure. They never calm me. My sleep's so lackluster that it's starting to affect the way I think and act. Or maybe I'm just fucking tired of everything.
    Tired, sick of feeling this loneliness at night, jealous of my father cause he gets to see his girlfriend three times a week, tired of just going to school and being open yet no one wants to be friends. That last one is probably the worst.
    I've been going to school for a month and a half now. I'm over the moon that I'm studying something I'm actually interested in, really helps motivate me to work hard. I can't complain about my schedule, the professors are friendly and helpful, it's just I can't seem to find even ground with my 'year mates.' I will admit I wasn't particularly trying to get to know my assigned group mates at the beginning of the year, but I was really more interested in studying the material given to us so that I would have it a bit easier now.
    It probably doesn't help that the one guy who seems to be as big of an outsider as I am is perfectly fine with being alone. I'm slowly chipping into his hard shell, he seems more tolerant of me though than anything else. This all just frustrates me. I'm so tired of all the small talk, the fucking fake(?) smiles, the niceties and bull crap. I'm sick of all of this polite shit, so that maybe someone will like me as more than an acquaintance, someone will think hey this chick is weird, but I'm okay with that. Cause I'm not hiding myself, no fucking way. This is who I am, see something you don't like than FUCK OFF.
    Shit, seems this bothers me a lot more than I realized. Guess I just thought that after living here for six plus years and going through three different classes and two schools I would have something more than just acquaintances here. My dad always told me that the friends you make in college are the friends that carry you for the rest of your life.

What if I don't make any friends? 

What if I'm alone till the end?

Do I want that?

It'd be easier, but so empty.

I hate feeling empty.

 

Shimmer

    I'm here, again. The gray concrete walls and dampness are a dead give away as to where I am. It's been so long since I've been brought here, but for once I'm not going to run from this place. Why, because I no longer care. This time I slowly make my way forward ignoring the side doors and ladders, knowing they all lead to random places my mind has created. I just feel so lethargic, so many thoughts and fears have appeared from one event, one stupid mistake. Fool, come and get me snake, because I no longer care what happens to me.
    I don't know how long I've been walking for, but it seems like an eternity, you'd think that the monster would get me faster since I'm not running. Maybe it's decided to trap me here instead of killing me. Trapping me in my mind causing me to go insane on the outside. That could be interesting. Still why won't it come? Walking more I feel like I'm starting to leave, because I can see a light near the end of the tunnel and isn't that a surprise. My soul still has hope, there is little reason for it. It will only make everything hurt more once it's confirmed. I believe this yet I still continue towards the light, like the hypocrite I am.
    I don't get very far though, for something wraps around my wrist and pulls me into the sewer water. It's cold and freezes me to my bones almost instantly, this makes me take a breath, but all I get is water. Above me a spot the visage of a white snake starring above me, but I just can't tell what kind of stare it is. I don't care for I finally feel numb.

So this is what numbness feels like.

    It's cold all around me as I sink farther and farther into the sewers water. The icy depths seem to be pulling me along and I allow it, uncaring of what happens to me anymore. Goodbye, I think as I close my eyes and my consciousness slips away.
    'No!' Someone seems to shout and suddenly I'm pulled from the cool, icy embrace. I feel stinging all over my body when I leave the water and all I can think is did the snake save me? These thoughts are changed when I feel lips on mine and a fist pounding on my chest. What? I quickly sit up and cough out the water that  entered my lungs while contemplating who the hell is keeping me from the numbness.
    When I look, I end up staring in disbelief, it's him? What, but how? I don't understand. This seems to convey on my face for he answers my question with a single statement. 'Wake up, I want to see you.' With that he vanishes before my very eyes and I can feel the relief inside me, so that means?! Could it be?
    For the first time in a while I stand with a purpose and although it's tempting to jump back into the water I want to see him more. I've missed him so much. With these thoughts in mind I turn to see the creature that dragged me into the water. We lock eyes and I feel myself leaving this place.

Something lighter

    Can't sleep again. Woo hoo! Least it's Friday means I can sleep in tomorrow, too bad my body will wake up around eight or nine out of pure habit. 'Oh, I haven't been sleeping too well recently I should sleep a bit longer to charge up my battery more. Nahh.' Thanks natural rhythm or whatever the fuck that's called. Ugh, my english is getting terrible. Soon my little bro will be speaking better than me, makes me want to cry just a bit. Meh, at least I can always beat him up if he bugs me too much. Fear is still on my side.
    I swear one time my brother was taunting me, sizing me up, trying to get me irritated, it was super funny. Instead of rising to the bait though I just gave him a toothy grin and took a step forward. The kid screamed like a little girl and ran out of the room. I swear it was the funniest shit. My mom was in the room too and we laughed our asses off.
    I'll explain why this is so funny, see my brother was about 16 at the time. He'd hit his growth spurt early that year and was a good foot or two taller than me and weighed probably 50 pounds more than me as well. So seeing a huge ass kid running from his tiny older sister is fucking great. I swear I'm never going to let him live that one down. Black mail gold!
    On more recent terms I've mentioned that I've gotten accepted into uni and well so far it's awesome. My classes are interesting, my schedule allows me to wake up at eight everyday and still get to school on time, which really that was my biggest concern. All in all I don't mind going to school as much as I thought I did. The only reason I hated going to school was the early waking hours and coming home with a migraine, but one has been taken care of and the other one doesn't happen as often as it used to which is nice.
    Still I'm having trouble getting to know the people that I'm studying with. I will admit that I'm really not trying too hard on that front, but being able to have a casual conversation with them would be nice. Doesn't really happen though, honestly there are days where I speak more to my teachers than to the students around me. Today for example we had math exercises, which aren't bad really aside from the stress of having to go up to the blackboard, but other than that, no biggie. They teach us more than their lecture equivalent that's for sure. I'd probably fail the class without the exercises.
    Anyway our exercise group teacher happens to be the director of our building, not the whole campus just the sole math building on it. Still I was unaware of this for a while, because when he introduced himself he used a word that made no sense to me. It wasn't until I got home that my father explained to me what that word meant. When I understood it's significance well I got a bit nervous. When I went up to the blackboard that lesson I told the guy I had absolutely no idea what he wanted me to do. All I saw were symbols and letters and none of them made sense to me. Sigh, how I miss the days where math was just numbers.
    Still I sort of talked backed to him a bit and I might have not spoken to him using formal verbs and tenses and crap so I freaked out a tiny bit. But when the next lesson rolled around the teacher/director was his usual self and seemed to not hold any ill will towards me. The guy in general is really nice and friendly, willing to show my group everything and explain it correctly even though he knows none of us regularly attend the lectures for the subject. It's because of this I feel fairly relaxed around him and end up doing silly things.
    Today for example he told us our first test was coming up in about two weeks time and joked about how he couldn't wait to see our eyes bulge when we saw the test he was going to prepare. The room was silent as it usually is. I swear my group is afraid the teachers will bite them if they speak out of turn. Still in the silence I reply 'Well it's only fair you get a few minutes of entertainment since you're going to be sitting there and doing nothing for two hours.' My year-mates are silent, as usual, while my brain is screaming at me 'what did you just say!?' Luckily though, surprisingly too, my teacher laughs and continues joking by saying 'Darn, you figured me out. Ruining my fun. I was waiting to surprise you all.' Lessons than continued as normal, but still my behavior towards my teachers/professors surprises me.
    In school I was always the quiet one, sitting somewhere near the front and taking notes and being that good student. Now though, well I'm still that, but instead of staying constantly silent I speak out. Talk with my professors, answer questions when I can, interact with them like what normal people do or well used to do at least. I'm comparing myself to my year mates at the moment, more precisely the group I have all my exercises classes with. There are thirteen of us and well in general it's really quiet during lessons. They never talk with each other much, just the occasional whisper and when the teacher asks questions, answers from them are rare.
    It's something I'm not used to. My high school class was the trouble making one, always loud and obnoxious. While the few months I went to a different uni were similar. I ended up in a group with plenty of jokers so exercise lesson were lively. Here, suddenly everyones constantly quiet and it's just so new for me that it tilts me a bit off balance. It's probably why I banter and joke with the professors now, because there is no one else doing so, no one else cracking jokes or making class a tad more amusing.
    I should clarify now that I'm not some class clown that cracks a joke every chance they get, nor have I suddenly had a personality change. I guess I've just gotten to this point in my life where I don't care how others see me anymore. I'm comfortable in my own skin, this is me. It also helps that 90% of our prof's are between the age of 30 and 40 which is the age of most of my friends from Kung Fu. It's just a tad bit weird for me, though I'm mostly worried I'll accidentally forget myself one time and use the improper you thus maybe getting in trouble.
    For now though I guess I'll just be that strange enigma in class that jokes and banters with the professors, is in general friendly with everyone, but comes off as a bit too weird for my age group. Meh, a bit confusing but whatever~

Maybe Ill see you around.

A Fool

I'm such a fool.

    Looking at my last post I want to laugh and cry at the same time, because come Saturday my relationship with Aster just might end. For all I know it could already be over. I don't fucking know. The only thing I do know is that I fucked up- on his birthday of all days.
    I'm past the phase of being angry at myself, that lasted barely more than an hour or two. I quickly moved into regret and emptiness. That hollow feeling that I spoke of before, many times in fact, set back in once again. I can feel it now, constantly. It's like a darkness that's sucking me in trying to ease me back into the shadows, while I try in vain to fight it off. I almost gave in too, the blade was calling to me. My soul screaming out to do it, to do something, because pain is better than being numb. Luckily though I kept myself from going down that path again. Looking back to my second year of high school I remember I was even more miserable than. So I ignored the call, the want, distracted myself, reminded myself that there are two people in the world who will always be there for me even if the live across the ocean. 
    Once I entered the numb stage, everything seemed to go back to normal, but really that was just the surface. Inside it's hollow, so so very hollow that I hate it. This feeling of emptiness is awful, but there's nothing I can do about it. There is a small part of me that hopes. Maybe I didn't screw up as badly as I though, maybe he will contact me and we will get this sorted out, maybe, maybe,maybe. Every time that side pops up I try to squash it like the annoying fly it is. I really don't want to build up hope, because that always comes crashing down. 
    Instead I just lay awake at night, because that's when the monsters come out to play. Wondering if he will contact me by Saturday. If he will write anything. If he doesn't, after a whole week of silence, well I will take that as a we're done. If he does though, well I don't know about that either really. That one has more than one possibility and my mind seems to have come up with so many of them. 
    It's Wednesday, almost Thursday, I'm writing a blog post at my usual time 23:00+. My brain wants to know, my heart wants to drive over to his house, apologize while on my knees and my soul. Well my soul is crying, while also trying to keep me from falling into the darkness again.
    It's working on some level, but I have noticed that I've started to isolate myself from others. Slowly but surely, I'm friendly and fairly open to everyone in my new class/group/year, but I can tell I add in a bit of extra weird into me to scare people off. I'm probably afraid to meet new people, because I'm so used to losing them that I just don't know how much more I can take. My brother has the same problem. He's afraid to make friends, because he's tired of losing them. I understand this, that's why when he told me I didn't reprimand him for his decisions just smiled and said "We've been through a lot of emotional shit in our lives and we aren't even 20 yet." He just cracked a watery smile. 
    I wonder if I'm going to lose another person close to me? I don't want to, but if it does happen than I will mourn, probably close in on myself a bit, afraid to let others in again and maybe one day I'll open up a bit. 

    Maybe one day the fear of losing someone close will become acceptance. People come and go in the world, so enjoy the time you have with them, savor the memories. And when they leave make sure to open the door for them and holler out a goodbye. Watch their back disappear out on the horizon and ignore the tears gliding down your cheeks.

A Fcking Love Letter

I always thought something like this was silly, stupid and pointless, yet here I am writing it. Although I have written a 'poem' for you so I guess that's worse. Still I write to understand my emotions and I guess this was bound to happen. So here I fucking go, run while you still can.

    Recently I told you that I felt there was something I should tell you, but I didn't know what it was. It's the weirdest feeling having your heart scream at you while your brain just hides in a corner, unable to understand what exactly the heart and soul are trying to explain. Still it's a feeling I get whenever I'm with you or trying and failing to fall asleep. Frustrating is putting it lightly, because I don't know how to go about solving this problem. Maybe this can help me a bit though.
    You're often the last thing I think about before going to bed. When I can't fall asleep I try to picture you next to me, gently breathing through your mouth. When I'm scared I shut my eyes and pretend your warmth is surrounding me, your arm is wrapped around my shoulder and your breath is tickling my ear. 
    Fridays are the days I look forward to the most, not because of the weekend, but because I know I will get to see you. While Sundays are now the saddest of days, because that's when our weekend is over and we separate for the next five days. 
    I feel so full around you. (I could almost say whole.) When I'm with you I just feel so content and sometimes even happy. Even when we are just sitting next to each other and doing our own separate things I still feel whole. Like the world is almost right and if I died right then, well I'd be okay with it. 
    Before I even knew it you broke through my walls and made yourself comfortable. If only you knew how much that terrified me, because in a way I allowed this. I was so curious about the quiet long haired boy that sat across from me. I never really pursued you though, because I had so much bullshit in my life that I was more interested in screwing my head back in place. Still one day you came to me and I was happy, over joyed because I thought maybe this could be a new friend. I was so friend starved after moving that I opened a window and decided to watch. To my surprise you climbed in and stayed despite all the hints of a broken past and me showing off my true colors fairly early on. I saw no reason to sprinkle myself in rainbows and candy. At the time I was so sick of all the lies and the back stabbing, so I let myself be vulnerable. 
    You stayed for some reason, honestly every time I see you I'm still surprised, still amazed. How are you still here? Why do you keep coming back? I try not to think about that. Instead focusing on you just being here and coming back. Enjoying the time I have with you and the moments we share. Still as much as I try not to think about it there is still the evil part in my brain that whispers "One day he will leave, so run first before he hurts you."
    I can't run though. I'm in so deep that it's impossible for me. Before I knew it you became a focus for me, something that chases away the depression, the dark thoughts, the death. Sure it still looms over me occasionally, but you, without even realizing it, help chase it away. I will forever be grateful to you for that. That doesn't mean you yourself don't create your own shadows. They are never as bad and just tend to be doubts that randomly appear. Something that everyone in a relationship must go through. Those are thoughts I chase away with the simple phrase of "If it happens than it happens, I will just have to cherish the time I get with you."

The point of maybe this whole fucking Jashin damn letter is this.

    Aster I love you so much that I feel like the word love isn't a good enough description of the way I feel about you. You make me feel almost complete and whole. You help me forget about the glove I wear, the scars I hold inside and outside. You mean the world to me and I would go to hell and back for you. 

This terrifies me to no end, but I'm going to keep moving forward anyway. 

The thing that annoys me the most though.

I don't think I will ever have the guts to send this to you let alone say it to your face.   

xxx

Template-less

I keep waking up. Every time I try to sleep.

I keep seeing something in nothing lying in bed late at night.

I keep thinking I'll go to bed earlier the next night. Still when I do I end up staying awake.

I keep gazing into the darkness, looking for something I know isn't there- searching.

Searching for something I know I once had, but now is gone.

How do you look for something when you yourself are unaware of what it is you are looking for?

The only thing I know, is that I won't find it with my eyes.

It's pointless to keep searching. Looking for something I will most likely stumble upon.

That's how life tends to work isn't it? You find it by accident or you never find it at all.

Still I keep looking with my meaningless eyes. Searching with my soul

Sleep evades me in this search. Allowing me to stay up and ponder, but I don't want this anymore.

I keep waking up as if I'm grasping for something, someone. 

I keep feeling this empty hole in my chest whenever I'm alone.

I keep wondering what is wrong. Am I slowly losing my mind?

I keep gazing into the darkness, searching for something I know isn't there.

Still my mind seems to know, but my soul still cries.

Empty, I feel so very empty. 

Emotions are there, but they come so suddenly, so abruptly and it scares me in a way. 

The dull buzz of boredom is a constant when in school, even though I'm excited to learn.

Steel nerves and irritation always arrive on time for a spar.

Sadness though, that is something that keeps appearing more and more often leaving me confused.

How is it that I feel empty yet overwhelmed at certain times?

I keep feeling this helplessness and wonder why?

I keep questioning the tears and their reason for falling.

I keep thinking I can't be happy, not now.

I keep longing something I don't know if I will ever have.

Did you know I cry now, every time I drop you off?

I don't really understand why.

Did you know that I have so many things I want to say to you, ask you, but never do?

It's because I'm scared of losing you.

Do you know that ever since you left I have felt hollow inside?

The world really is a cruel place.

Do you know that I feel like I'm mourning with you?

It feels like I'm channeling a small part of you.

Are you aware that you will out live me?

No, neither am I.

Still I feel like the end of something is near, but what that is I do not know.

My soul seems to though, for it seems to be in constant pain.

Still I wish I could sleep.

I wish I could focus on the good things.

I wish I could focus on the time I had, not the time I have left.

This almost feels like a goodbye. 

It's just me wishing for sleep.

Still I love you both.

Could you share some warmth with me?

 I really just want to sleep.

Fucking Tears

    I want a hug. I don't even know why I just do. I'm crying for some reason, well I started crying after reading Larspurs beautiful post and now I just can't stop and I want a hug.
    Lately I've felt way more emotional than usual and I keep telling myself to start meditating again, but I never do. I don't quite understand all these things going on inside me. It's probably stress coming and going so my body really doesn't know what to do with it, leaving me a frazzled wreck. I was so stressed before finding out I got accepted into uni, but once I did it felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. For a few days I felt like my old self, all back to my normal, snarky, laid back self. Then the day before school started I found out I hadn't been assigned to a group yet, no big deal monday was suppose to be an organization day so I could just ask the office for help. When I went to the student office they informed me that they couldn't tell me and I should try the secretary. Called her and only found out that the teacher in charge of my year would be able to tell me, but he wasn't going to be in till later and even then she wasn't sure if he'd be here.
    Well fucking fantastic what was I suppose to do if he didn't come? Still I tried to relax and told myself to calm down that he would probably be there to at least introduce himself to the year. He was thankfully there and later that evening I found my group. So I started to attend classes and everything's okay till I find out we have english. Okay, no big deal I know english, but I don't see it on my subjects list and when I wrote to my teacher he said that the list should be updated again today and I would probably be on there. I would be on there if it wasn't for one little thing. I hadn't signed up for english. I was completely unaware that I had to sign up for it in my own. The whole time I'm wondering how my classmates knew about this. Is there some website where they are reading all this info from that I don't know about? I ended up signing up for english after taking a competency test, of course I got the highest (at least I think it's the highest) grouping C2. Still doesn't change the fact that I signed up for it this evening when we have english tomorrow morning. Now there are six groups and this will be the first meeting, so I could just go to one of the meetings and pretend to belong than hope the english list is updated and I'm put into a proper group by monday, which also happens to be the next day we have english classes.
    There is also a part of me that wants to say fuck the english classes cause I know what they are going to be like and I am aware that I am going to be fucking bored. I really wish I would stop crying, I don't even know why I am anymore.

    Maybe it's because I'm in college despite all the odds. I got in by the skin of my teeth. Literally was the last person on the acceptance list. I'm scared yet terrified, because this time there are no second chances and I can't fuck this up. 

Maybe it's from my lack of sleep on sunday, thus screwing up my whole sleep schedule on the first week of school. 

Maybe it's the fact that this could be the end with Aster, maybe sometime soon and I just don't know how I will survive after something like that happens.

 Maybe it's the fact that I'm so intimidated by my fellow classmates that I can't even say a word to them, so I can't make friends. 

Maybe I'm just so fucking tired of life, of hiding things, of lying that when I got a chance to be myself with someone, no strings attached, I loved it so much that now I feel like I'm dieing on the inside and I don't know what to do. Took a whole fucking month for it to settle in, but hey it got here on the worst week possible. 

So here I sit and cry for some fucking stupid reason, feeling completely dead on the inside and wondering how to feel okay again. If I will ever feel full, complete, happy again.      

 

A Wall

There are two doors separating us at this very moment. Two plain brown wooden doors. Yet these simple everyday objects seem like a wall of massive proportions. There are no entry signs all over the place and barb wire lines the top. Still you feel an urge to try to pass this obstacle because on the other side is someone you care about and they are in pain. Some of it is physical yes, but most of it seems to be emotional something you are horrendous with, yet you still wish to be with them to be able to help them in some way to comfort them. You can't though because of this wall built by the one on the other side, before it was erected you ran to them and tried to get them to open up, to show them that you care and it doesn't matter, but they rejected you. Now you sit on the other side and wonder how to get around this iron defense, how to break through and show them that it doesn't matter and that everything will be okay eventually.
That's all it really ends up being though- thinking. You are awful at these sort of things, trying to comfort or cheer someone up. Never had a natural talent for it even though you wished you did. Honestly, you feel terrible on the inside that you can't do anything to help, even though you seem the struggling you feel the pain your going through. Sure, you may not understand completely, but if given a chance than you could at least empathize with their situation. Provide some sort of support or be a crutch. How can you help someone when they refuse any hand you hold out.
Emotions were never your strong point, still aren't. You don't always understand, but you know the pain they can cause, the stress they can bring into your life. There is something that you can sympathize with. Still though you stare at the wall in front of you and hope one day they will hear your voice and know that they can always come to you.
You can't and won't blame them for closing in on themselves and bottling everything up, because you do the same thing they do. Have done in the past and will most likely do in the future. There will be one difference between your situations. You will be standing on the other side of their wall, waiting. One day they will be ready, eventually they will allow you in. Maybe not very deep, maybe just enough to help them get some of the stress away, but that's okay. Because in the end you just want to help them in any way you can.

Onslaught

    I've been putting off this post for a while now. So much so that the emotions inside of me have built up and are now forming into the darkest of things. I couldn't sleep last night because I watched too many creepy videos. I'm a scardy cat, but during the day I find that usually I can watch that kind of stuff, not this time though. My brain seemed to latch onto all of those ideas from the videos and created this monster in my head. So I laid in bed all night watching gtlive streams trying to ignore the fear in my head, trying not to look at the shadows around my room and picturing things that want to eat me. I didn't get to sleep till 6:30 when I heard my father leaving for work and could hear the life of the outside world from my cracked window. I didn't sleep for long, only until about 10 and I felt shitty for the whole day, questioning myself and if I was going insane.When my father got home he realized I had a fever and told me to stay in bed. I never even noticed my raised temperature. The whole day I was questioning my sanity and my life in general.
    My bottled up emotions seemed to have manifested themselves in this way and after drinking plenty of tea and soup I feel a bit better, but my mind still feel exhausted. The stress, sadness and emptiness are getting to me a lot worse than before. All the stress has been accumulating since may, that's about four months. Never in my life have I been so snappy and quick to temper. Yet I'm finding it harder and harder to center myself. School and just my results are killing me right now, my future is so uncertain at this moment. Everything hangs in the balance, on Wednesday I will find out if I got into uni. I'm so tired of this subject and everything it pertains. I hate it, at this point I'm so sick and tired of people asking me about college and what I'm going to study or how I am doing. Why the fuck do I have to go to college? I'm so sick and tired of hearing about it. Why can't I just get a job where they teach me how to do it and I can get straight to work after a month or so? That's how it is after college anyway. Sure you have a degree, but 90% of the time it's just a piece of paper and you have to learn everything all over again in the office. I wish I could just skip the whole school thing. I wish I could just fast forward a few years in the future to see what I'm doing then, to know if all these stupid things will help me out in life or will they just become more scars?
    The sadness and empty feeling aren't helping me much either. I sort of feel like how I did during my high school years when I left my brother. My two most important people were on the other side of the world. I did that to myself, I could have stayed, but it felt wrong to. I couldn't bring myself to stay there. I just couldn't. That didn't stop the feeling of emptiness when I got back. Sucking at my soul everyday, slowly withering me away. Eventually, after months of this dull, cold feeling I started to live again. The emptiness slowly faded and it usually only ever came back every once in a while, which was fine cause it never felt as bad as it did then.
    I got to spend a month and a half with my brother this summer and right after he left, a month with my sister. It left me with no room to mourn his leaving for I focused on her arrival. When she left it wasn't that bad the first day and on the second Aster came and was by my side for a solid five days. Giving me no chance to mourn both of them leaving. Sometimes when we would both be doing our thing I would space out a bit and the sadness would creep in on me, but it wasn't that bad cause he was right there seemingly beating it away.
    It was when I finally got to be alone for a couple of days that I allowed the sadness to take me. Instead of holding the tears back like I used to I let them flow freely for a short time allowing myself to give in to my weakness. In some way I feel like I'm still mourning. Even now tears are falling and it sort of makes me wonder why, but then I can hear my brothers voice on the other side of the phone and I can actually hear his excitement. He's happy that I called him, since we hadn't spoken in over a month because I was busy with Larkspur. We ended up talking for over an hour and probably would have talked more if he hadn't had homework to do. Then I picture me saying goodbye with Larkspur at the airport terminal and trying to hold back the tears in the car. Pretending not to see them slowly leaking from my eyes, ignoring the fact that I'm driving over the speed limit and not caring if I crash.
    This summer was amazingly wonderful and something I will probably never experience in the same form of ever again. I feel like I connected with my brother and sister all over again in a deeper and more meaningful way. Teaching Azeal how to drive a stick shift, showing Larkspur the beauty of Europe. These are just a few memories that I want to cherish for as long as possible. In the end it all comes down to me missing them painstakingly more than usual. It almost feels like I'm broken into pieces and I don't feel whole unless I'm with my special people.
    The only one that can really numb the pain is Aster, but he can't always be here. I can't rely on him so heavily. It doesn't really help that after next week I won't get to see him as much cause he'll be starting school. It will be difficult for him too and very demanding, so it makes me wonder how often we will get to see each other.
    This vulnerability is killing me and I absolutely hate it. I'm floating in the middle of a black void, screaming and shouting my heart out, but it doesn't mater because I am the only one that can get me out.
    Recently I read a fanfiction and there was a line in there that seemed to burn me when I read it. "Love is giving someone a gift, through faith, hope, trust or experience. It is praying that they won't use it against you." I immediately looked to Aster when I read this, because I felt this described the way I felt about him perfectly. I have fallen for this boy, so hard that I would do almost anything for him. He has taken a place in my heart right along side my brother and sister. This scares me though, because he has the most potential in him, with just a single sentence he can tear into my heart and destroy my fragmented mind. When I realized this my first thought was to strike at him, rip away before he can hurt me, that way it will burn less, but I can't do that. As I have said jokingly out loud to him and he to me 'I'm in too deep.'
    In this day and age relationships don't always work out in the long term for different reasons and I believe in that, but there is a small part of me that hopes this relationship will last. A small part of me that thinks 'I wouldn't mind being with this man for the rest of my life.' Still I keep myself back for I don't want to come off as too clingy or needy and despite the fact that we have been together for over a year I feel there are still sides I haven't seen of him yet. Than again there are sides he has yet to see from me, so I sit back and enjoy the ride, trying to ignore the new emotions blooming inside of me, in the fear that he does not feel such things, trying to protect my already fragile state of mind.
    Sometimes though I wish I told him that I loved him more. Just to let him know that despite my sometimes cold and elusive demeanor he has a firm hold in my heart. I always end up holding my tongue and let it just ring in my head, wondering how long this will last, how far this will go. Letting the small amount of hope to settle in the pit of my stomach and hoping it doesn't grow any larger.

    Hopefully with the onslaught of words my brain and heart of emptied enough that I can go to sleep somewhat soundly. If not I can always watch some pokemon xyz episodes on youtube.

Maybe I'll see you around.

Final Time

    It's hard to continue like this. The waiting, this emptiness just sitting inside me. I'm tired of it, so very tired. I wish I could say that I hated it. That way I would still have the energy to fight it, but I've gotten past that. I've given in. I'm such a coward. A failure, waste of space. If some asked what I could do that would benefit the earth. Well my answer would probably be kill myself. Im really just a parasite at this point in time. I'm not bringing anything to this world, not helping anyone out or making there lives better. I'm just here and that is something that I'm sick and tired of. Being here.
    Despite my thoughts I find it so hard to leave, to just jump, to just cut a bit deeper. There's always something holding me back, something trivial or stupid. Today though, today will be the day. There's one final thing I want to do before that though.
    I ring her doorbell and she quickly opens the door with a smile. She knows it's me and isn't surprised by my presence. We do have a date tonight. I greet her and we head out to the movies to see some comedy action flick that I can't remember the title of. It's a good time we're both amused by the end and decide to get some ice cream and walk back to her place. She chats about her week and I listen intently adding in feedback. All the while I'm memorizing her facial features, her beautiful eyes, her laugh. I try to take in every detail and sear it into my brain. This will be the final time.
   We get back to her place and fall into our routine of joking with each other till we get tired and go to bed. It's going to be the last time. For once I'm a bit more brave and confident when we do it. I try to get as much noise out of her as I can. Make sure she absolutely loves it. All the while I feel like I'm trying to eat her whole and swallow her soul. I don't want to forget this, any of this. Of all the things in my life she is the most important one and I would do anything for her.
    I wonder what she would do if I told her this would be the last time. This is the end, no matter how much I hate it, no matter how much I wish it wasn't. When we kiss goodnight, it's long and soulful. I feel as if we shared a part of ourselves in that kiss. Eventually she falls asleep and I watch her for a bit. That peaceful expression on her face is the final piece and I almost break looking at her, but I don't. Standing I quietly dress myself and kiss her on the forehead. Softly, she doesn't even twitch in her sleep. I leave the only place that ever really felt like home to me and don't look back.
    That was the only thing keeping me here and now it's time to say goodbye. I stare down at the world bellow me. I don't even know how far up I am. Just saw a tall building I could go inside and made my way to the top. So here I am looking down at the world bellow and all I feel is peace and sadness. Without thinking I lean forward and stare at the ground rushing towards me. Strangely enough I don't feel fear or regret. It's better this way, for everyone.

Thank you.

 Did I ever tell you that I loved you? 

I did?

I'm glad. 

Inspired by: Jaymes Young - One LastTime

Awakening

    I quietly walk into the small guest bedroom of the house and take a moment to observe the room. It's filled with many different things. There are clothing articles thrown about in piles, a growing group of what seems to be knick knacks of sorts and two material suitcases in one corner with a bright red bean bag in the middle of the tiny room. It's the complete opposite of what this room usually looks like, bare. Spiders and dust were once the occupants of this room, now though it's a female with long strawberry colored hair.
    Said female is currently sleeping, curled up in the middle of the bed which is found to the left of the door. Most of her body is covered by a soft yellow, orange and brown blanket, but there are a few places where her skin is showing. Let the fun begin. I sit down on the bed and stare, contemplating whether to tickle her feet, neck or hand. She's very ticklish. All I have to do is lightly swipe across her skin and she feels discomfort and tries to hid. I start from the arm and lightly swipe across the small bit of exposed skin and than wait. The body moves a bit, but only barely so I repeat my action a few more times. After a few more minutes of this the girl finally moves and tucks her hand under the blanket so it is out of my reach. This doesn't deter me at all though as I just move on to her neck and repeat the process. This time I get a light groan and I immediately stop. As much as I enjoy teasing her and watching her squirm, I know if I ever actually woke her up this way I would be in a world of pain.
    So I stop and instead watch her for a few moments, wondering if she will wake up on her own or will I have to help her. It seems though that she feels little want to be conscious and instead ends up cocooning herself in the blanket. I really can't help but be amused by this. Eventually though I start to nudge her shoulder, not roughly just light little shakes, two or three at a  time before stopping and waiting. If she starts to move I know she's slowly waking up, but if she curls in on herself more I have to keep nudging. I shake her shoulder a couple more times, before she lets out a groan. Her hand snakes out from under the warmth of the blanket and picks up a device near her head. She pears at it, squinting her eyes before sighing and putting it back down.
    She rolls over on her back with her eyes just barely open. Open, close, open, close. Slowly they start to open completely, but than she blinks quickly in multiple succession as if fighting the urge to just roll over and fall back asleep. It's probably exactly what she's doing at the moment. This goes on for a few more moments before she finally starts blinking at a normal pace. It seems she has won the battle against the Sandman.
     Now she's rolling onto her side and grabbing a small black case from which she pulls out a pair of glasses. Putting them on she notices me and sighs, grateful that I'm waking her, but at the same time annoyed, because she would really prefer to be unconscious at the moment. After a few more minutes of gathering herself and just waking up she finally sits upright.
    This is the moment I have been waiting for. I calmly walk over to her and sit in her lap. It doesn't take long for her to start petting me and I let out a light purr. 'Thanks for waking me kitty cat,' she says it in a slightly sleepy voice, but in that annoying tone of hers. She knows I don't like to be called kitty cat, but I guess it's revenge for me tickling her every morning. Sighing, I stand and jump from her lap, she looks at me in disdain before standing as well. 'Guess it's time to start the day, fuckin fantastic.'

Here

    I have never been more impatient in my entire life than that day at the airport. Waiting for one of my most precious people to come out of those sliding doors. After a while I started to worry, it's been 15 minutes, she hasn't come out ye. Is she ok? Did she get lost? Did she make it to her flight in Copenhagen? I forced myself to calm down and rooted myself to the floor. She is alright. Three planes landed in close secession, so she's most likely waiting for her luggage. That didn't keep me from holding my breath every time those doors opened, zooming in and looking for her when a crowed of people excited. Finally after waiting 20 minutes, she appeared in all her exhausted glory. I ran over to her completely over joyed and gave her a hug. The strawberry haired girl looked at me and spoke 'Feed me, connect me to internet and let me sleep.'This is a completely natural reaction to overseas flights and everything was full filled in due time.  

    I couldn't stop looking at her. Over the next two days I was in this state of awe and disbelief. Larkspur was here. She was staying at my home and living here for a whole month. It's a first really, because I'm the one that usually comes to america, but this time she was here and my mind just couldn't seem to comprehend it. I still stare at her just to make sure she's actually here and this isn't all some amazingly realistic dream. 

    It's even stranger when Aster comes over and my mind just completely explodes. At first it's filled with nerves. The two have never met before and I really hope they get along. My worries are ceased immediately, because after a few moments Larkspur seems to take a liking to him immediately. I'm unsure of Aster's opinion, since he has to speak in english and he's not a fan of actual work, but after a while the two are teaming up and teasing me. Honestly it's a strange feeling, being over joyed because two of your favorite people are together and getting along, but at the same time you regret this decision of ever letting the two get to know each other. Still I couldn't help, but stare at this miracle before me. 

    It's strange having Larkspur here, yet I'm so happy. I've laughed and smiled more these past five day than I have in the past year. Despite the fact that I'm not in the best place emotionally at the moment, waiting for that final entrance letter that says 'fuck off we don't want you in our school.' Thank's to her I can fall asleep at night. It's thanks to her being here that I feel more centered at home and just a bit happier. I really wish there wasn't an ocean in between us. 

It doesn't matter, I will continue to make memories with her until I am no longer able. 

Maybe we'll see you around 

   

Black Screen

I keep wanting to text him, but for some reason I don't.

I keep wanting to hear his voice, but I can't bring myself to make the call.

I keep imagining him in my mind, yet for some reason I don't seek him out. 

He's so close. Right there,yet

I don't call

I don't text

I don't go

My mind, body and soul crave for him, want him, need him.

But today's a day of sadness, a day of tears, numbness, nothingness

There's no reason to bring this upon him.

It's better to just be alone.

Still, I want to see him.

I want to embrace him.

I want to let go of this sadness inside me.

Yet all I do is gaze at my phone in longing, wishing, wanting, hoping.

I can't text with my mind though.

He can't read mine.

So my phone will continue to stay idle.

Limbo

    If you're of the christian faith you could also call it purgatory. Sometimes ghost are described like this. These stallmates where you're just stuck in one place and have little clue as to what you wish to do. What you think you should do. What you are expected to do. What is it that you're waiting for at this very moment? Truthfully I don't really know. I have no answer to that question at this point in time. I haven't had an answer to that question in quite some time.
    I dropped out of college at the beginning of January. The place I was accepted just wasn't for me. I couldn't see myself doing that for the rest of my life. So I told my father about it. He accepted my decision, although it was met with much disappointment at first. It took him awhile to register what I did, but it's not like I had no plan. That I just dropped out and did nothing. No I planned to retake my matura exams and get a higher score in mathematics. We developed a plan and put it into action.
    Thus from January to the end of April I studied my heart out in everything that involved mathematics. The beginning of May rolled around and I felt prepared. I felt ready for my exams. I studied, I knew the material, I felt ready to sit down and write these exams. After it was all over I felt alright about how it went. The only thing left to do was wait for the results, which wasn't till July 7.
    It's easy to not think about anything at first. Time passes by, I help out at the zoo, Azael arrives, we go to Greece and it isn't until we return that the nerves start to settle in, the doubt. It's easy to just pretend this isn't the end of the world, but I don't enjoy lying to myself and the sleepless nights arrive. Lying in bed and trying to ignore the churning in your stomach. Finally the day arrives and you get your results.
    They're better than last years, all of them have gone up, but it's really nothing amazing, nothing to write home about and you can't help but start to feel a bit of hopelessness. You don't give in though, you worked hard these past few months and it isn't over yet. You still have a chance. So you apply to all the colleges you want and now the waiting game begins again.
    You're not stupid, you tell yourself in the middle of the night. There's a chance, this isn't a fools dream, still inside you can't help but feel despair. What happens if I don't get in at all? Than what?
I'm tired of being stuck in this limbo of nothingness. I'm an adult, yet not really. I'm a child, but that's not true either. I feel as if I'm stuck in place and there's no point in screaming, because no one will hear me anyways. Even if they did, there's nothing they could do either way.
    I hate this waiting, I'm so tired of it. Waiting for my exams, waiting for the results, waiting for my death sentence. That's what it feels like to me. I'm no genius, I can't just choose whatever school I wish to go to and get accepted. Nope, I'm just your average run of the mill student. There is nothing special about me sorry. I'm going to school, because that is what is expected of me. That's what I need to do if I want to live a somewhat comfortable life as a middle class citizen. I'm no mathematical genius, honestly I'm more of a humanitarian, but I suck at polish and my english has hit a stalemate. So what am I to do if that day comes and only brings me red? Than what? I don't know anymore. I'm really not sure.
    No one ever prepares you for this, They always say follow your dreams and do what you want to do. Well I'm trying to do that, but no one's giving me a chance. I've been reduced to a pile of numbers and digits and that's all that matters to them. I hate this. After this the only thing left for me is getting a job and starting my mediocre adult life. Saving up as much cash as I can to start living on my own and just trying to barely scrape by. I wonder how many people live like this? How can they stand living like that?
     I just hate this standstill that I'm left in. I hate this limbo that I'm floating in. I don't want to be here anymore. I was once a resident of this places and that brings back so many dark memories, that I just can't stay here any longer or I know this will end in blood. It's been so long since I've done it though and my scars have healed as well. There's no worry about taking my glove off, but I'm trapped/ stuck in here again and I just want out.
     I refuse to just sit here and grovel and wait for my doom. I don't want to become that person that falls into a pointless routine that slowly sucks the life out of them. I only have so long to live, so how do I keep myself from wasting away? How do I keep myself from falling into the pit of darkness that I once knew so well? I don't have an answer to that, but is that really all that unusual? I loath myself for saying this, but I really can only sit here and wait for my doom. It's only five days. Ha ha ha, that's plenty of time for a shit ton of nervous break downs. If the inevitable does happen, I will come up with something. I have to. It's obviously going to be hard at first, but I refuse to just turn into a mindless minion.  

    So I will continue to wait till the 27, continue to hold on to that small thread of hope, continue to function. While at the same time ignoring all the voices in my head that say I'm going to fail.  

     

Thundering Storm

It’s raining, more like pouring. Each rain drop can be heard as it hits against the window. Bum, bum, BUM. There’s no wind, just pouring pelting rain. If you stuck your hand out you’d feel as if it was struck by lightning.

You’re stuck inside a small wooden cottage, it’s cozy and warm, yet you feel a deep dread inside you looking outside. You can’t tell if it’s night time or day for the whole world is just grey, everything’s grey. You want to stop looking outside, focus on the warmth in your small home, but you can’t. If you look away you might miss something, you don’t know what it is, but it keeps you from curling up on the couch.

Suddenly the world outside is lit up and for a moment the rain is silenced by the loudest thunderbolt you have ever heard. It almost seems as if it hit right outside your tiny cottage, but somehow everything’s still standing. You’re still safe, you’re still alive, but the fear is still there. The rain seems to start pouring even harder now and you can’t help but curl up in a blanket while watching the world outside.

You seem so detached, yet at the same time you feel as if you should be outside in the rain. Almost like it’s your fault that the world is crying. It’s your fault that the world is in pain. The tears aren’t from sorrow though, but from stress. So many emotions, so many feelings and thoughts and it all comes together in this one giant storm.

You can’t help, but want to apologize even though you know it won’t change a thing. The world around you is still crying, still under so much stress. The guilt will be there though for a certain time, even when the world calms and the emotions pass you’ll still feel guilty inside. It will feel like your fault, until one day you will realize that it had to happen. It would have happened in the end. Everything would have culminated and become what it is now, a pouring, thundering rain.

All you can do is watch and sit by their side as their tears fall. You don’t know what to say nor how to act all you can do is offer silent support. Because in the end you’ll always be there for them. In their darkest hour, in their biggest time of need, when they think their world made of fragile glass is falling apart around them. You will sit by them, arm around their shoulders and remind them that they exists in this world, this isn’t the end. They can still move forward and rebuild.

Finally when the emotions pass and they stand, you’ll help them up, give a smile and cheer them on. For you will always be there for them. Eventually your guilt will pass as well and the world outside of your window will calm. The sky will clear, the rain will stop and after every storm a rainbow will find its way on the sky once again.

Sleepless

I can't sleep.

    It's been a while since I've laid in bed unable to fall asleep. Maybe it's because I've been staying up late with Aster, going out or just training. Going out for a drink means I'll be back around two and even then Aster usually stays over and keeps me up for at least another half hour. Training physically exhaust my body, so I just end up shutting down fairly quickly.
    Now though my body is neither tired from training nor am I with Aster, so for the first time in a long while I'm having difficulty falling asleep. My brain seems to have decided to go on a field day. So many things are going through my mind at the moment and I just can't decipher it all. The few things that come to the surface are met with annoyance, because I really just want to lose consciousness at the moment.
    My brother arrived literally two days ago. His flight was delayed and my dad had a mini freak out, which was ammusing for all of thirty seconds, before I told him to sit down and stop it. He wanted to rush to the airport, because he read my brothers arrival time which would have been very funny if I hadn't been in the middle of eating dinner at the time. We picked him up without any trouble though and since than the two of us have been by each other almost nonstop. I guess we're making up for all the lost time or just proving to ourselves that yes we are here together physically. This is not a dream. It's usually like that though we spend a crap ton of time together whenever we visit each other. There are breaking points where we need a couple of hours to ourselves but there are few of those.
    What else is on my mind at the moment? Hmm, might as well got the heavier thing off my chest. My matura exam results are going to be out in ten days. I was joyfully reminded of that today. At the time I played it off smoothly, but now when I'm alone and in the dark, well it's obvious that I'm worried. I feel that I wrote them well and a whole lot better than I did last year, but what if I didn't? What the hell do I do then? I don't know honestly. My 'father' will be disappointed in me, but really when is he not? There will be that awkward conversation with my mother and grandmother. God, I don't even know. In a perfect world Aster, Bell and I would all get accepted into that same damn college, we'd all some how miraculously finish computer programing and get a decent job after. This isn't a perfect world though, but it's fun to dream isn't it?
    I used to make up random little daydreams when I was bored or couldn't sleep. They started out with a made up character going on some adventure or making friends and just living a really fulfilling life in general. I eventually stopped thinking up these wonderful daydreams, because after a while they brought me more sadness than joy.
    Recently I've been thinking about Aster way too much. It's strange. We've been going out for almost a year now and yet these past few days I feel strange. I don't even know how to describe it, but when I think of him my heart feels a bit lighter and a small smile comes to my face. Earlier when I was laying in bed whenever I opened my eyes I felt disappointment when I didn't seem him within arms reach. I feel like a silly love sick teenager. Which is terrible, because I really don't want to become too clingy. That's the last thing I would want. Still that doesn't mean I don't feel like calling him and asking him how his day went just so I can hear his voice. It's just bizarre. These emotions are so foreign and strange and I really don't know what to do. Sigh, either way I'm going to Greece on monday and I won't be back for nine days. Not much, but still I'm already thinking of him and slightly missing him. Which really I have no right to. Larspur has been in a long distance relationship for over four years I think and she has it way worse. I will never be able to complain to her about such a silly little thing, guess that's another thing to add to the list. Guess I'll just have to settle for closing my eyes and picturing him next to me, hearing his voice, seeing his chameleon eyes. It's not like this is the end.
    Even though the sad part is I'm never able to picture this being my first and last relationship. As much as I would love it to be. I'm a child of divorced parents. There is literally an ocean between them. They couldn't be further apart unless one of them decided to go into outer space. This means I've come to the sad conclusion that relationships don't last forever no matter how much I whish they would. Happily ever after doesn't exist. And marriage is bullshite. It's just a piece of paper that makes your life more difficult when one or both of the parties get bored of each other.
    That doesn't mean I can't picture the two of us being together for a long time. Getting through college together, moving in with each other, getting our first major jobs, learning to love each other both completely and whole. What other people would view as imperfection and scars we would see as just another mark that created who we are.
    God this has me turning into such a romantic. I guess since I'm alone and unable to sleep I'll allow it, just this once. The rest will be reserved for those fucked up stories I write every once in a while. I'm still not sleepy though and as much as I love writing I really would like to go to sleep. Still I'm in that state where I say/ write the first thing that pops into my head. Usually my brain filter has holes, but when I'm sleepy then it disappears completely. I swear Aster enjoys keeping me up just so he can hear me speak random nonsene when he asks me questions. That or it's because he can get my honest opinion about something, because I'm completely open when I'm really sleepy. Usually I'm worried about what I say, sometimes at least, but that worry goes away when I'm tired and it's just a free for all then. Funny part is I never seem to remember much in those sleep deprived states in the morning. Like I will remember that we talked and I will be aware that I said some very strange things, but I won't really remember what those things were. It's interesting to say the least.
    Anyway I think I've rambled on enough about random crap for now. I think I'll give it another go and see if I can fall asleep. Really hope so man, I enjoy sleep way too much. Kudos to anyone who got through all this bul crap. Honestly you deserve a cookie.

Maybe I'll see you around       

- - -

It's dark when I open my eyes. I'm not really surprised at this point. I've had this dream so many times, that it no longer summons the deep fear within me that it once did. Today though, all I feel is resignation. Nothings going to happen if I just stand in place though. I did that one time and I didn't leave until He woke me.
    So I start walking, there's no reason to run anymore, because it will always find me no matter how hard I try to escape. I rub at my chest as I feel a small painful jab near my heart, but it does little to soothe the pain. The sewers are such a strange place to be in. My left hand traces the smooth wall as I walk along the cold stone path. A stream flows on my other side, but it's calm and somewhat soothing in this strange darkened place.
    Eventually I seem to reach a dead end and I'm about to turn around and start making my way back when a door seems to materialize out of thin air. Why not? I grab the handle and seem to slip right through the pale wooden door.
    I always end up in the most random of places when I enter through these doors, but this time I enter a very familiar light green room. To my left is a similar door to the one I just entered, but I know this one leads to nowhere, so I take a few more steps forward, before my old room comes completely into my vision.
    This is so strange. A door has never led me to a familiar place before, yet granted before me is my childhood room. There are pin marks on the walls from where I hung posters and post cards, a small nook in the right hand corner and scratches on the floor from my bed posts. It's completely empty, void of everything that was mine. It's nostalgic standing here. I never thought I'd get to see it again, yet here I am.
    Still I was brought here for a reason wasn't I? Subconsciously my brain must be trying to tell me something? What could you possibly want to tell me though? I've accepted that my childhood is over. My regrets from when we moved have been erased, mostly. What am I missing?
    The creature is heard before it's seen, which isn't strange, but it sounds so much calmer and less rushed than usual. Even though I know it's in the room I can't help but jump out of my skin when I turn around and find it barely a foot away from me. The snake doesn't react to my fright at all and instead starts to wrap around my body. It seems to shrink in size as it does so, until it's only on my shoulders, staring me straight in the face.
    It bumps its face into my nose and seems to glare at me with it's bright eyes. What are you trying to tell me? Don't you know I'm stupid and clueless? It flicks it's tongue out at me, thoroughly annoyed. You can be annoyed, but I still don't know why I'm here. What do my troubles from my childhood have to do with what I'm going through now? The snake seems to sigh and just wrap itself tighter around my neck. It could be trying to comfort me, that or it's making fun of my clueless-ness. I doubt it's the latter though, because my problem is it's problem.
    I feel terrible right now. I say aloud speaking to it, speaking to another part of myself. I feel like such a terrible person, because it hurts whenever we try to do it. And I feel like the most biggest terrible, shitiest person in the world. He's been trying so hard. We've gotten better at it. It's not as frantic or needy. I don't feel scared when we go into that territory anymore, but then we try and it hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts and I fucking hate it. I hate it so fucking much, but you know what's worse? I hate myself even more, cause at that moment I feel like the biggest piece of crap on the planet. You know I'm such a terrible piece of shit I'm not even good enough for fertilizer. That type of shit.
    To top it off, he's understanding about it. He's okay with it. Tries to come up with different solutions so that it won't hurt. I know I should be grateful that he's understanding, but it just makes me feel worse, because I'm letting him down in the most basic of way and I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to fix it or how to make it stop. I just want to make love with him. The kind where we both finish and are both high off dopamine and the good stuff. Where we just need to lay there for a second to ground ourselves.  
    The snake grows in size and starts to curl around me again, as if it was trying to protect me from everything, but it can't, because eventually I'll wake up. I'll wake up to his bare back and all these emotions, all these thoughts will hit me a hundred times harder. I curl in on myself and close my eyes, trying to calm myself from the hurricane of emotions, but it's difficult and I can still feel it banging on the door outside. Trying to get in.

    Still I close my eyes and try to sleep, because I know I won't be getting any shut eye for the next week. 

A Letter Never to be Sent

Dear Father,
    I'm writing this letter, because you've done something that has upset me today. Usually I don't mind, after all I'm just your useless drop out of a daughter, but still it hurts just a little bit. When you think I don't care about you anymore. When you think you can't count on me, because I will be there for you in your greatest time of need.
     I was there for you. I accepted you and said it was okay, that it's fine. That you don't have to feel guilty about it. That there is no reason to feel such emotions. It didn't work out between you and my mother. That's understandable. It doesn't work out for everyone.
    So that night when you came to me and asked for my permission to see other woman I felt touched, yet found it silly that you felt the need to ask me. You explained and we talked for over an hour, but really there was no reason for all the talking and the explaining or the guilt. You hadn't been with my mother for over two years. She lives on a completely different continent, you honestly can't get any closer to divorce than besides an actual divorce.
    You started going on dates. I never meet any of them, but you talked about the ones you liked until after a while you only had one that you kept talking about. Her name was Ania and she seemed like a really nice lady. After two months of dating I finally meet her and she left a really positive impression on me. She still does to this day.
    Honestly, I was so glad you were getting out of the house more. You seemed happier and it made me smile. Seeing the obvious joy and delight when you were going to meet up with Ania. Or that one time she surprised you by randomly coming over, because she had nothing to do at home and honestly neither did you. Watching reruns of old movies doesn't count. Especially if you've seen it more than five times.
    The two of you have been going out for almost a year now, I think. It has been great for you. You've been leaving the house more and you've been a bit more energetic. I don't see you in front of the television as much as I used to and that really makes me happy. That my father has gotten out of his stump. That he no longer feels guilty for living.
    Recently though I've noticed a few things that sort of sadden me. I guess it's because you've moved on while I'm sort of drifting out in the ocean alone. I have a few lifelines that keep me from sinking, but don't worry you're not one of them, because I have long since learned my lesson. I can't really count on you for everything anymore. I'm an adult now, but at the same time I'm still a child. Living by your rules, under your roof and in general under your command.
    I just recently started to notice these small changes. The biggest clue in was when Ania and I came to pick you up at the airport. You had the biggest smile on your face when you saw her. The both of you pretty much ran into each others arms. You almost immediately started talking to her and it took you a second to realize that I was there too and you promptly gave me a hug. Still you focused on Ania and constantly chatted with her while we were driving back.
    A similar situation happened when I came to pick you up from the train station. As soon as you left the train you called up Ania and even after you saw me you continued talking with her. It wasn't until after you hung up that you really saw me and said hello. I asked you about your trip, but you gave sparse details. Your mind was already focused on someone else.
    I didn't really mind these situations. In fact I was amused. Really, I am so happy for you and the fact that you're living again. But I guess I was also a bit sad, that I wasn't part of the center of your universe anymore. Ania is your world and I'm just a comet that you notice every once in a while. Sad to say, but I have gotten used to living on the side line, in the shadows and all that.
    Today though you said something that really hurt me. You asked me to drive you and Ania next friday to the docks. I apologized and said I couldn't because I was taking part in a charity event and there was no way I could drive you. I apologized to you whole heartedly, because I felt bed that I couldn't help you out, but I told you about this event over a month ago and there's nothing I could do. You knew in advanced, but like usual you forgot. If I was meeting up with friends that day I would cancel or reschedule with them, but there is honestly nothing I can do to help you. I'm sorry you'll have to ask someone else to drive you. Worse case scenario you'll have to get a taxi.
    You didn't accept my apology, just sort of dropped the subject and then went on trying to guilt trip me into driving you. I than have to explain again with more detail that there was nothing I could do and that I really was sorry. Again reminding you that I told you about this weeks ago. Finally you give up, but before completely dropping the subject you say one line that both saddens me and pisses me off.
    "I guess I just can't count on you anymore." You fucking asshole. Really? I can't do this one thing for you and you make it seem like the biggest thing in the world? Even after I already explained it to you twice that I couldn't go. That I was sorry. Really? The fact that you can't see your own actions saddens me dear father. The fact that my mother was right about something and I finally see it as well makes me want to cry.
    Did you know that we've drifted in this past year? Have you noticed that you've stopped talking to me about work or in general about your day. Sure, you'll give me a vague answer, but now you keep all the interesting things for Ania. You seem surprised when I don't know something, seeming to think you've already informed me that the guests that were suppose to come this weekend aren't coming. You told Ania, so you've told everyone important.
    I know I probably sound bitter, probably because I am, but honestly I don't quite know what to do. You expect things from me, but you seemed to have stopped caring about me. When was the last time we went out and spent time together? You used to pester me about that every weekend, but you haven't done it in months. We used to be able to talk for hours about nothing in particular, but now I find it difficult to keep a conversation with you that lasts longer than twenty minutes.
    We've drifted I guess. I've let you down. I'm not following the path you created for me. I'm not a genius. I'm not as smart as my cousins. There really is very little reason to be proud of a daughter like me. Still did you have to stop caring? I really only had you left, now though I'm left to my own devices. If it wasn't for Aster I probably would have done something stupid a long time ago.
    You were never a perfect father, but you tried and you always cared. Now though it seems you're done playing that role. You've gotten bored of the part and decided to take on something else. Until Eryk arrives, then we shall see what you decide to do.
    So I guess this is my goodbye letter to you. I have to admit that you fell out of the center of my world a while ago, but you were still nearby and I still cared for you deeply. Now though I guess you're just going to be there, because I still see you on a daily basis.
    Know that you are still my father and I will help you when you need it, because I help people when I can. It's just what I do. I will remember the time we spent together. Those two years we had licking each others wounds and just trying to get by, trying to recover from the red shit storm that happened. I will remember them, just like I will remember you as the wonderful and kind hearted father that you were. I guess love really does change a person.

Goodbye Tata. I will miss you.

Z.M.K