I always thought something like this was silly, stupid and pointless, yet here I am writing it. Although I have written a 'poem' for you so I guess that's worse. Still I write to understand my emotions and I guess this was bound to happen. So here I fucking go, run while you still can.
Recently I told you that I felt there was something I should tell you, but I didn't know what it was. It's the weirdest feeling having your heart scream at you while your brain just hides in a corner, unable to understand what exactly the heart and soul are trying to explain. Still it's a feeling I get whenever I'm with you or trying and failing to fall asleep. Frustrating is putting it lightly, because I don't know how to go about solving this problem. Maybe this can help me a bit though.
You're often the last thing I think about before going to bed. When I can't fall asleep I try to picture you next to me, gently breathing through your mouth. When I'm scared I shut my eyes and pretend your warmth is surrounding me, your arm is wrapped around my shoulder and your breath is tickling my ear.
Fridays are the days I look forward to the most, not because of the weekend, but because I know I will get to see you. While Sundays are now the saddest of days, because that's when our weekend is over and we separate for the next five days.
I feel so full around you. (I could almost say whole.) When I'm with you I just feel so content and sometimes even happy. Even when we are just sitting next to each other and doing our own separate things I still feel whole. Like the world is almost right and if I died right then, well I'd be okay with it.
Before I even knew it you broke through my walls and made yourself comfortable. If only you knew how much that terrified me, because in a way I allowed this. I was so curious about the quiet long haired boy that sat across from me. I never really pursued you though, because I had so much bullshit in my life that I was more interested in screwing my head back in place. Still one day you came to me and I was happy, over joyed because I thought maybe this could be a new friend. I was so friend starved after moving that I opened a window and decided to watch. To my surprise you climbed in and stayed despite all the hints of a broken past and me showing off my true colors fairly early on. I saw no reason to sprinkle myself in rainbows and candy. At the time I was so sick of all the lies and the back stabbing, so I let myself be vulnerable.
You stayed for some reason, honestly every time I see you I'm still surprised, still amazed. How are you still here? Why do you keep coming back? I try not to think about that. Instead focusing on you just being here and coming back. Enjoying the time I have with you and the moments we share. Still as much as I try not to think about it there is still the evil part in my brain that whispers "One day he will leave, so run first before he hurts you."
I can't run though. I'm in so deep that it's impossible for me. Before I knew it you became a focus for me, something that chases away the depression, the dark thoughts, the death. Sure it still looms over me occasionally, but you, without even realizing it, help chase it away. I will forever be grateful to you for that. That doesn't mean you yourself don't create your own shadows. They are never as bad and just tend to be doubts that randomly appear. Something that everyone in a relationship must go through. Those are thoughts I chase away with the simple phrase of "If it happens than it happens, I will just have to cherish the time I get with you."
The point of maybe this whole fucking Jashin damn letter is this.
Aster I love you so much that I feel like the word love isn't a good enough description of the way I feel about you. You make me feel almost complete and whole. You help me forget about the glove I wear, the scars I hold inside and outside. You mean the world to me and I would go to hell and back for you.
This terrifies me to no end, but I'm going to keep moving forward anyway.
The thing that annoys me the most though.
I don't think I will ever have the guts to send this to you let alone say it to your face.
xxx
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