A Fool

I'm such a fool.

    Looking at my last post I want to laugh and cry at the same time, because come Saturday my relationship with Aster just might end. For all I know it could already be over. I don't fucking know. The only thing I do know is that I fucked up- on his birthday of all days.
    I'm past the phase of being angry at myself, that lasted barely more than an hour or two. I quickly moved into regret and emptiness. That hollow feeling that I spoke of before, many times in fact, set back in once again. I can feel it now, constantly. It's like a darkness that's sucking me in trying to ease me back into the shadows, while I try in vain to fight it off. I almost gave in too, the blade was calling to me. My soul screaming out to do it, to do something, because pain is better than being numb. Luckily though I kept myself from going down that path again. Looking back to my second year of high school I remember I was even more miserable than. So I ignored the call, the want, distracted myself, reminded myself that there are two people in the world who will always be there for me even if the live across the ocean. 
    Once I entered the numb stage, everything seemed to go back to normal, but really that was just the surface. Inside it's hollow, so so very hollow that I hate it. This feeling of emptiness is awful, but there's nothing I can do about it. There is a small part of me that hopes. Maybe I didn't screw up as badly as I though, maybe he will contact me and we will get this sorted out, maybe, maybe,maybe. Every time that side pops up I try to squash it like the annoying fly it is. I really don't want to build up hope, because that always comes crashing down. 
    Instead I just lay awake at night, because that's when the monsters come out to play. Wondering if he will contact me by Saturday. If he will write anything. If he doesn't, after a whole week of silence, well I will take that as a we're done. If he does though, well I don't know about that either really. That one has more than one possibility and my mind seems to have come up with so many of them. 
    It's Wednesday, almost Thursday, I'm writing a blog post at my usual time 23:00+. My brain wants to know, my heart wants to drive over to his house, apologize while on my knees and my soul. Well my soul is crying, while also trying to keep me from falling into the darkness again.
    It's working on some level, but I have noticed that I've started to isolate myself from others. Slowly but surely, I'm friendly and fairly open to everyone in my new class/group/year, but I can tell I add in a bit of extra weird into me to scare people off. I'm probably afraid to meet new people, because I'm so used to losing them that I just don't know how much more I can take. My brother has the same problem. He's afraid to make friends, because he's tired of losing them. I understand this, that's why when he told me I didn't reprimand him for his decisions just smiled and said "We've been through a lot of emotional shit in our lives and we aren't even 20 yet." He just cracked a watery smile. 
    I wonder if I'm going to lose another person close to me? I don't want to, but if it does happen than I will mourn, probably close in on myself a bit, afraid to let others in again and maybe one day I'll open up a bit. 

    Maybe one day the fear of losing someone close will become acceptance. People come and go in the world, so enjoy the time you have with them, savor the memories. And when they leave make sure to open the door for them and holler out a goodbye. Watch their back disappear out on the horizon and ignore the tears gliding down your cheeks.