Lately I've felt way more emotional than usual and I keep telling myself to start meditating again, but I never do. I don't quite understand all these things going on inside me. It's probably stress coming and going so my body really doesn't know what to do with it, leaving me a frazzled wreck. I was so stressed before finding out I got accepted into uni, but once I did it felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. For a few days I felt like my old self, all back to my normal, snarky, laid back self. Then the day before school started I found out I hadn't been assigned to a group yet, no big deal monday was suppose to be an organization day so I could just ask the office for help. When I went to the student office they informed me that they couldn't tell me and I should try the secretary. Called her and only found out that the teacher in charge of my year would be able to tell me, but he wasn't going to be in till later and even then she wasn't sure if he'd be here.
Well fucking fantastic what was I suppose to do if he didn't come? Still I tried to relax and told myself to calm down that he would probably be there to at least introduce himself to the year. He was thankfully there and later that evening I found my group. So I started to attend classes and everything's okay till I find out we have english. Okay, no big deal I know english, but I don't see it on my subjects list and when I wrote to my teacher he said that the list should be updated again today and I would probably be on there. I would be on there if it wasn't for one little thing. I hadn't signed up for english. I was completely unaware that I had to sign up for it in my own. The whole time I'm wondering how my classmates knew about this. Is there some website where they are reading all this info from that I don't know about? I ended up signing up for english after taking a competency test, of course I got the highest (at least I think it's the highest) grouping C2. Still doesn't change the fact that I signed up for it this evening when we have english tomorrow morning. Now there are six groups and this will be the first meeting, so I could just go to one of the meetings and pretend to belong than hope the english list is updated and I'm put into a proper group by monday, which also happens to be the next day we have english classes.
There is also a part of me that wants to say fuck the english classes cause I know what they are going to be like and I am aware that I am going to be fucking bored. I really wish I would stop crying, I don't even know why I am anymore.
Maybe it's because I'm in college despite all the odds. I got in by the skin of my teeth. Literally was the last person on the acceptance list. I'm scared yet terrified, because this time there are no second chances and I can't fuck this up.
Maybe it's from my lack of sleep on sunday, thus screwing up my whole sleep schedule on the first week of school.
Maybe it's the fact that this could be the end with Aster, maybe sometime soon and I just don't know how I will survive after something like that happens.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm so intimidated by my fellow classmates that I can't even say a word to them, so I can't make friends.
Maybe I'm just so fucking tired of life, of hiding things, of lying that when I got a chance to be myself with someone, no strings attached, I loved it so much that now I feel like I'm dieing on the inside and I don't know what to do. Took a whole fucking month for it to settle in, but hey it got here on the worst week possible.
So here I sit and cry for some fucking stupid reason, feeling completely dead on the inside and wondering how to feel okay again. If I will ever feel full, complete, happy again.
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