Sleepless

I can't sleep.

    It's been a while since I've laid in bed unable to fall asleep. Maybe it's because I've been staying up late with Aster, going out or just training. Going out for a drink means I'll be back around two and even then Aster usually stays over and keeps me up for at least another half hour. Training physically exhaust my body, so I just end up shutting down fairly quickly.
    Now though my body is neither tired from training nor am I with Aster, so for the first time in a long while I'm having difficulty falling asleep. My brain seems to have decided to go on a field day. So many things are going through my mind at the moment and I just can't decipher it all. The few things that come to the surface are met with annoyance, because I really just want to lose consciousness at the moment.
    My brother arrived literally two days ago. His flight was delayed and my dad had a mini freak out, which was ammusing for all of thirty seconds, before I told him to sit down and stop it. He wanted to rush to the airport, because he read my brothers arrival time which would have been very funny if I hadn't been in the middle of eating dinner at the time. We picked him up without any trouble though and since than the two of us have been by each other almost nonstop. I guess we're making up for all the lost time or just proving to ourselves that yes we are here together physically. This is not a dream. It's usually like that though we spend a crap ton of time together whenever we visit each other. There are breaking points where we need a couple of hours to ourselves but there are few of those.
    What else is on my mind at the moment? Hmm, might as well got the heavier thing off my chest. My matura exam results are going to be out in ten days. I was joyfully reminded of that today. At the time I played it off smoothly, but now when I'm alone and in the dark, well it's obvious that I'm worried. I feel that I wrote them well and a whole lot better than I did last year, but what if I didn't? What the hell do I do then? I don't know honestly. My 'father' will be disappointed in me, but really when is he not? There will be that awkward conversation with my mother and grandmother. God, I don't even know. In a perfect world Aster, Bell and I would all get accepted into that same damn college, we'd all some how miraculously finish computer programing and get a decent job after. This isn't a perfect world though, but it's fun to dream isn't it?
    I used to make up random little daydreams when I was bored or couldn't sleep. They started out with a made up character going on some adventure or making friends and just living a really fulfilling life in general. I eventually stopped thinking up these wonderful daydreams, because after a while they brought me more sadness than joy.
    Recently I've been thinking about Aster way too much. It's strange. We've been going out for almost a year now and yet these past few days I feel strange. I don't even know how to describe it, but when I think of him my heart feels a bit lighter and a small smile comes to my face. Earlier when I was laying in bed whenever I opened my eyes I felt disappointment when I didn't seem him within arms reach. I feel like a silly love sick teenager. Which is terrible, because I really don't want to become too clingy. That's the last thing I would want. Still that doesn't mean I don't feel like calling him and asking him how his day went just so I can hear his voice. It's just bizarre. These emotions are so foreign and strange and I really don't know what to do. Sigh, either way I'm going to Greece on monday and I won't be back for nine days. Not much, but still I'm already thinking of him and slightly missing him. Which really I have no right to. Larspur has been in a long distance relationship for over four years I think and she has it way worse. I will never be able to complain to her about such a silly little thing, guess that's another thing to add to the list. Guess I'll just have to settle for closing my eyes and picturing him next to me, hearing his voice, seeing his chameleon eyes. It's not like this is the end.
    Even though the sad part is I'm never able to picture this being my first and last relationship. As much as I would love it to be. I'm a child of divorced parents. There is literally an ocean between them. They couldn't be further apart unless one of them decided to go into outer space. This means I've come to the sad conclusion that relationships don't last forever no matter how much I whish they would. Happily ever after doesn't exist. And marriage is bullshite. It's just a piece of paper that makes your life more difficult when one or both of the parties get bored of each other.
    That doesn't mean I can't picture the two of us being together for a long time. Getting through college together, moving in with each other, getting our first major jobs, learning to love each other both completely and whole. What other people would view as imperfection and scars we would see as just another mark that created who we are.
    God this has me turning into such a romantic. I guess since I'm alone and unable to sleep I'll allow it, just this once. The rest will be reserved for those fucked up stories I write every once in a while. I'm still not sleepy though and as much as I love writing I really would like to go to sleep. Still I'm in that state where I say/ write the first thing that pops into my head. Usually my brain filter has holes, but when I'm sleepy then it disappears completely. I swear Aster enjoys keeping me up just so he can hear me speak random nonsene when he asks me questions. That or it's because he can get my honest opinion about something, because I'm completely open when I'm really sleepy. Usually I'm worried about what I say, sometimes at least, but that worry goes away when I'm tired and it's just a free for all then. Funny part is I never seem to remember much in those sleep deprived states in the morning. Like I will remember that we talked and I will be aware that I said some very strange things, but I won't really remember what those things were. It's interesting to say the least.
    Anyway I think I've rambled on enough about random crap for now. I think I'll give it another go and see if I can fall asleep. Really hope so man, I enjoy sleep way too much. Kudos to anyone who got through all this bul crap. Honestly you deserve a cookie.

Maybe I'll see you around