So I start walking, there's no reason to run anymore, because it will always find me no matter how hard I try to escape. I rub at my chest as I feel a small painful jab near my heart, but it does little to soothe the pain. The sewers are such a strange place to be in. My left hand traces the smooth wall as I walk along the cold stone path. A stream flows on my other side, but it's calm and somewhat soothing in this strange darkened place.
Eventually I seem to reach a dead end and I'm about to turn around and start making my way back when a door seems to materialize out of thin air. Why not? I grab the handle and seem to slip right through the pale wooden door.
I always end up in the most random of places when I enter through these doors, but this time I enter a very familiar light green room. To my left is a similar door to the one I just entered, but I know this one leads to nowhere, so I take a few more steps forward, before my old room comes completely into my vision.
This is so strange. A door has never led me to a familiar place before, yet granted before me is my childhood room. There are pin marks on the walls from where I hung posters and post cards, a small nook in the right hand corner and scratches on the floor from my bed posts. It's completely empty, void of everything that was mine. It's nostalgic standing here. I never thought I'd get to see it again, yet here I am.
Still I was brought here for a reason wasn't I? Subconsciously my brain must be trying to tell me something? What could you possibly want to tell me though? I've accepted that my childhood is over. My regrets from when we moved have been erased, mostly. What am I missing?
The creature is heard before it's seen, which isn't strange, but it sounds so much calmer and less rushed than usual. Even though I know it's in the room I can't help but jump out of my skin when I turn around and find it barely a foot away from me. The snake doesn't react to my fright at all and instead starts to wrap around my body. It seems to shrink in size as it does so, until it's only on my shoulders, staring me straight in the face.
It bumps its face into my nose and seems to glare at me with it's bright eyes. What are you trying to tell me? Don't you know I'm stupid and clueless? It flicks it's tongue out at me, thoroughly annoyed. You can be annoyed, but I still don't know why I'm here. What do my troubles from my childhood have to do with what I'm going through now? The snake seems to sigh and just wrap itself tighter around my neck. It could be trying to comfort me, that or it's making fun of my clueless-ness. I doubt it's the latter though, because my problem is it's problem.
I feel terrible right now. I say aloud speaking to it, speaking to another part of myself. I feel like such a terrible person, because it hurts whenever we try to do it. And I feel like the most biggest terrible, shitiest person in the world. He's been trying so hard. We've gotten better at it. It's not as frantic or needy. I don't feel scared when we go into that territory anymore, but then we try and it hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts and I fucking hate it. I hate it so fucking much, but you know what's worse? I hate myself even more, cause at that moment I feel like the biggest piece of crap on the planet. You know I'm such a terrible piece of shit I'm not even good enough for fertilizer. That type of shit.
To top it off, he's understanding about it. He's okay with it. Tries to come up with different solutions so that it won't hurt. I know I should be grateful that he's understanding, but it just makes me feel worse, because I'm letting him down in the most basic of way and I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to fix it or how to make it stop. I just want to make love with him. The kind where we both finish and are both high off dopamine and the good stuff. Where we just need to lay there for a second to ground ourselves.
The snake grows in size and starts to curl around me again, as if it was trying to protect me from everything, but it can't, because eventually I'll wake up. I'll wake up to his bare back and all these emotions, all these thoughts will hit me a hundred times harder. I curl in on myself and close my eyes, trying to calm myself from the hurricane of emotions, but it's difficult and I can still feel it banging on the door outside. Trying to get in.
Still I close my eyes and try to sleep, because I know I won't be getting any shut eye for the next week.
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