I'm writing this letter, because you've done something that has upset me today. Usually I don't mind, after all I'm just your useless drop out of a daughter, but still it hurts just a little bit. When you think I don't care about you anymore. When you think you can't count on me, because I will be there for you in your greatest time of need.
I was there for you. I accepted you and said it was okay, that it's fine. That you don't have to feel guilty about it. That there is no reason to feel such emotions. It didn't work out between you and my mother. That's understandable. It doesn't work out for everyone.
So that night when you came to me and asked for my permission to see other woman I felt touched, yet found it silly that you felt the need to ask me. You explained and we talked for over an hour, but really there was no reason for all the talking and the explaining or the guilt. You hadn't been with my mother for over two years. She lives on a completely different continent, you honestly can't get any closer to divorce than besides an actual divorce.
You started going on dates. I never meet any of them, but you talked about the ones you liked until after a while you only had one that you kept talking about. Her name was Ania and she seemed like a really nice lady. After two months of dating I finally meet her and she left a really positive impression on me. She still does to this day.
Honestly, I was so glad you were getting out of the house more. You seemed happier and it made me smile. Seeing the obvious joy and delight when you were going to meet up with Ania. Or that one time she surprised you by randomly coming over, because she had nothing to do at home and honestly neither did you. Watching reruns of old movies doesn't count. Especially if you've seen it more than five times.
The two of you have been going out for almost a year now, I think. It has been great for you. You've been leaving the house more and you've been a bit more energetic. I don't see you in front of the television as much as I used to and that really makes me happy. That my father has gotten out of his stump. That he no longer feels guilty for living.
Recently though I've noticed a few things that sort of sadden me. I guess it's because you've moved on while I'm sort of drifting out in the ocean alone. I have a few lifelines that keep me from sinking, but don't worry you're not one of them, because I have long since learned my lesson. I can't really count on you for everything anymore. I'm an adult now, but at the same time I'm still a child. Living by your rules, under your roof and in general under your command.
I just recently started to notice these small changes. The biggest clue in was when Ania and I came to pick you up at the airport. You had the biggest smile on your face when you saw her. The both of you pretty much ran into each others arms. You almost immediately started talking to her and it took you a second to realize that I was there too and you promptly gave me a hug. Still you focused on Ania and constantly chatted with her while we were driving back.
A similar situation happened when I came to pick you up from the train station. As soon as you left the train you called up Ania and even after you saw me you continued talking with her. It wasn't until after you hung up that you really saw me and said hello. I asked you about your trip, but you gave sparse details. Your mind was already focused on someone else.
I didn't really mind these situations. In fact I was amused. Really, I am so happy for you and the fact that you're living again. But I guess I was also a bit sad, that I wasn't part of the center of your universe anymore. Ania is your world and I'm just a comet that you notice every once in a while. Sad to say, but I have gotten used to living on the side line, in the shadows and all that.
Today though you said something that really hurt me. You asked me to drive you and Ania next friday to the docks. I apologized and said I couldn't because I was taking part in a charity event and there was no way I could drive you. I apologized to you whole heartedly, because I felt bed that I couldn't help you out, but I told you about this event over a month ago and there's nothing I could do. You knew in advanced, but like usual you forgot. If I was meeting up with friends that day I would cancel or reschedule with them, but there is honestly nothing I can do to help you. I'm sorry you'll have to ask someone else to drive you. Worse case scenario you'll have to get a taxi.
You didn't accept my apology, just sort of dropped the subject and then went on trying to guilt trip me into driving you. I than have to explain again with more detail that there was nothing I could do and that I really was sorry. Again reminding you that I told you about this weeks ago. Finally you give up, but before completely dropping the subject you say one line that both saddens me and pisses me off.
"I guess I just can't count on you anymore." You fucking asshole. Really? I can't do this one thing for you and you make it seem like the biggest thing in the world? Even after I already explained it to you twice that I couldn't go. That I was sorry. Really? The fact that you can't see your own actions saddens me dear father. The fact that my mother was right about something and I finally see it as well makes me want to cry.
Did you know that we've drifted in this past year? Have you noticed that you've stopped talking to me about work or in general about your day. Sure, you'll give me a vague answer, but now you keep all the interesting things for Ania. You seem surprised when I don't know something, seeming to think you've already informed me that the guests that were suppose to come this weekend aren't coming. You told Ania, so you've told everyone important.
I know I probably sound bitter, probably because I am, but honestly I don't quite know what to do. You expect things from me, but you seemed to have stopped caring about me. When was the last time we went out and spent time together? You used to pester me about that every weekend, but you haven't done it in months. We used to be able to talk for hours about nothing in particular, but now I find it difficult to keep a conversation with you that lasts longer than twenty minutes.
We've drifted I guess. I've let you down. I'm not following the path you created for me. I'm not a genius. I'm not as smart as my cousins. There really is very little reason to be proud of a daughter like me. Still did you have to stop caring? I really only had you left, now though I'm left to my own devices. If it wasn't for Aster I probably would have done something stupid a long time ago.
You were never a perfect father, but you tried and you always cared. Now though it seems you're done playing that role. You've gotten bored of the part and decided to take on something else. Until Eryk arrives, then we shall see what you decide to do.
So I guess this is my goodbye letter to you. I have to admit that you fell out of the center of my world a while ago, but you were still nearby and I still cared for you deeply. Now though I guess you're just going to be there, because I still see you on a daily basis.
Know that you are still my father and I will help you when you need it, because I help people when I can. It's just what I do. I will remember the time we spent together. Those two years we had licking each others wounds and just trying to get by, trying to recover from the red shit storm that happened. I will remember them, just like I will remember you as the wonderful and kind hearted father that you were. I guess love really does change a person.
Goodbye Tata. I will miss you.
Z.M.K
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