Onslaught

    I've been putting off this post for a while now. So much so that the emotions inside of me have built up and are now forming into the darkest of things. I couldn't sleep last night because I watched too many creepy videos. I'm a scardy cat, but during the day I find that usually I can watch that kind of stuff, not this time though. My brain seemed to latch onto all of those ideas from the videos and created this monster in my head. So I laid in bed all night watching gtlive streams trying to ignore the fear in my head, trying not to look at the shadows around my room and picturing things that want to eat me. I didn't get to sleep till 6:30 when I heard my father leaving for work and could hear the life of the outside world from my cracked window. I didn't sleep for long, only until about 10 and I felt shitty for the whole day, questioning myself and if I was going insane.When my father got home he realized I had a fever and told me to stay in bed. I never even noticed my raised temperature. The whole day I was questioning my sanity and my life in general.
    My bottled up emotions seemed to have manifested themselves in this way and after drinking plenty of tea and soup I feel a bit better, but my mind still feel exhausted. The stress, sadness and emptiness are getting to me a lot worse than before. All the stress has been accumulating since may, that's about four months. Never in my life have I been so snappy and quick to temper. Yet I'm finding it harder and harder to center myself. School and just my results are killing me right now, my future is so uncertain at this moment. Everything hangs in the balance, on Wednesday I will find out if I got into uni. I'm so tired of this subject and everything it pertains. I hate it, at this point I'm so sick and tired of people asking me about college and what I'm going to study or how I am doing. Why the fuck do I have to go to college? I'm so sick and tired of hearing about it. Why can't I just get a job where they teach me how to do it and I can get straight to work after a month or so? That's how it is after college anyway. Sure you have a degree, but 90% of the time it's just a piece of paper and you have to learn everything all over again in the office. I wish I could just skip the whole school thing. I wish I could just fast forward a few years in the future to see what I'm doing then, to know if all these stupid things will help me out in life or will they just become more scars?
    The sadness and empty feeling aren't helping me much either. I sort of feel like how I did during my high school years when I left my brother. My two most important people were on the other side of the world. I did that to myself, I could have stayed, but it felt wrong to. I couldn't bring myself to stay there. I just couldn't. That didn't stop the feeling of emptiness when I got back. Sucking at my soul everyday, slowly withering me away. Eventually, after months of this dull, cold feeling I started to live again. The emptiness slowly faded and it usually only ever came back every once in a while, which was fine cause it never felt as bad as it did then.
    I got to spend a month and a half with my brother this summer and right after he left, a month with my sister. It left me with no room to mourn his leaving for I focused on her arrival. When she left it wasn't that bad the first day and on the second Aster came and was by my side for a solid five days. Giving me no chance to mourn both of them leaving. Sometimes when we would both be doing our thing I would space out a bit and the sadness would creep in on me, but it wasn't that bad cause he was right there seemingly beating it away.
    It was when I finally got to be alone for a couple of days that I allowed the sadness to take me. Instead of holding the tears back like I used to I let them flow freely for a short time allowing myself to give in to my weakness. In some way I feel like I'm still mourning. Even now tears are falling and it sort of makes me wonder why, but then I can hear my brothers voice on the other side of the phone and I can actually hear his excitement. He's happy that I called him, since we hadn't spoken in over a month because I was busy with Larkspur. We ended up talking for over an hour and probably would have talked more if he hadn't had homework to do. Then I picture me saying goodbye with Larkspur at the airport terminal and trying to hold back the tears in the car. Pretending not to see them slowly leaking from my eyes, ignoring the fact that I'm driving over the speed limit and not caring if I crash.
    This summer was amazingly wonderful and something I will probably never experience in the same form of ever again. I feel like I connected with my brother and sister all over again in a deeper and more meaningful way. Teaching Azeal how to drive a stick shift, showing Larkspur the beauty of Europe. These are just a few memories that I want to cherish for as long as possible. In the end it all comes down to me missing them painstakingly more than usual. It almost feels like I'm broken into pieces and I don't feel whole unless I'm with my special people.
    The only one that can really numb the pain is Aster, but he can't always be here. I can't rely on him so heavily. It doesn't really help that after next week I won't get to see him as much cause he'll be starting school. It will be difficult for him too and very demanding, so it makes me wonder how often we will get to see each other.
    This vulnerability is killing me and I absolutely hate it. I'm floating in the middle of a black void, screaming and shouting my heart out, but it doesn't mater because I am the only one that can get me out.
    Recently I read a fanfiction and there was a line in there that seemed to burn me when I read it. "Love is giving someone a gift, through faith, hope, trust or experience. It is praying that they won't use it against you." I immediately looked to Aster when I read this, because I felt this described the way I felt about him perfectly. I have fallen for this boy, so hard that I would do almost anything for him. He has taken a place in my heart right along side my brother and sister. This scares me though, because he has the most potential in him, with just a single sentence he can tear into my heart and destroy my fragmented mind. When I realized this my first thought was to strike at him, rip away before he can hurt me, that way it will burn less, but I can't do that. As I have said jokingly out loud to him and he to me 'I'm in too deep.'
    In this day and age relationships don't always work out in the long term for different reasons and I believe in that, but there is a small part of me that hopes this relationship will last. A small part of me that thinks 'I wouldn't mind being with this man for the rest of my life.' Still I keep myself back for I don't want to come off as too clingy or needy and despite the fact that we have been together for over a year I feel there are still sides I haven't seen of him yet. Than again there are sides he has yet to see from me, so I sit back and enjoy the ride, trying to ignore the new emotions blooming inside of me, in the fear that he does not feel such things, trying to protect my already fragile state of mind.
    Sometimes though I wish I told him that I loved him more. Just to let him know that despite my sometimes cold and elusive demeanor he has a firm hold in my heart. I always end up holding my tongue and let it just ring in my head, wondering how long this will last, how far this will go. Letting the small amount of hope to settle in the pit of my stomach and hoping it doesn't grow any larger.

    Hopefully with the onslaught of words my brain and heart of emptied enough that I can go to sleep somewhat soundly. If not I can always watch some pokemon xyz episodes on youtube.

Maybe I'll see you around.