Limbo

    If you're of the christian faith you could also call it purgatory. Sometimes ghost are described like this. These stallmates where you're just stuck in one place and have little clue as to what you wish to do. What you think you should do. What you are expected to do. What is it that you're waiting for at this very moment? Truthfully I don't really know. I have no answer to that question at this point in time. I haven't had an answer to that question in quite some time.
    I dropped out of college at the beginning of January. The place I was accepted just wasn't for me. I couldn't see myself doing that for the rest of my life. So I told my father about it. He accepted my decision, although it was met with much disappointment at first. It took him awhile to register what I did, but it's not like I had no plan. That I just dropped out and did nothing. No I planned to retake my matura exams and get a higher score in mathematics. We developed a plan and put it into action.
    Thus from January to the end of April I studied my heart out in everything that involved mathematics. The beginning of May rolled around and I felt prepared. I felt ready for my exams. I studied, I knew the material, I felt ready to sit down and write these exams. After it was all over I felt alright about how it went. The only thing left to do was wait for the results, which wasn't till July 7.
    It's easy to not think about anything at first. Time passes by, I help out at the zoo, Azael arrives, we go to Greece and it isn't until we return that the nerves start to settle in, the doubt. It's easy to just pretend this isn't the end of the world, but I don't enjoy lying to myself and the sleepless nights arrive. Lying in bed and trying to ignore the churning in your stomach. Finally the day arrives and you get your results.
    They're better than last years, all of them have gone up, but it's really nothing amazing, nothing to write home about and you can't help but start to feel a bit of hopelessness. You don't give in though, you worked hard these past few months and it isn't over yet. You still have a chance. So you apply to all the colleges you want and now the waiting game begins again.
    You're not stupid, you tell yourself in the middle of the night. There's a chance, this isn't a fools dream, still inside you can't help but feel despair. What happens if I don't get in at all? Than what?
I'm tired of being stuck in this limbo of nothingness. I'm an adult, yet not really. I'm a child, but that's not true either. I feel as if I'm stuck in place and there's no point in screaming, because no one will hear me anyways. Even if they did, there's nothing they could do either way.
    I hate this waiting, I'm so tired of it. Waiting for my exams, waiting for the results, waiting for my death sentence. That's what it feels like to me. I'm no genius, I can't just choose whatever school I wish to go to and get accepted. Nope, I'm just your average run of the mill student. There is nothing special about me sorry. I'm going to school, because that is what is expected of me. That's what I need to do if I want to live a somewhat comfortable life as a middle class citizen. I'm no mathematical genius, honestly I'm more of a humanitarian, but I suck at polish and my english has hit a stalemate. So what am I to do if that day comes and only brings me red? Than what? I don't know anymore. I'm really not sure.
    No one ever prepares you for this, They always say follow your dreams and do what you want to do. Well I'm trying to do that, but no one's giving me a chance. I've been reduced to a pile of numbers and digits and that's all that matters to them. I hate this. After this the only thing left for me is getting a job and starting my mediocre adult life. Saving up as much cash as I can to start living on my own and just trying to barely scrape by. I wonder how many people live like this? How can they stand living like that?
     I just hate this standstill that I'm left in. I hate this limbo that I'm floating in. I don't want to be here anymore. I was once a resident of this places and that brings back so many dark memories, that I just can't stay here any longer or I know this will end in blood. It's been so long since I've done it though and my scars have healed as well. There's no worry about taking my glove off, but I'm trapped/ stuck in here again and I just want out.
     I refuse to just sit here and grovel and wait for my doom. I don't want to become that person that falls into a pointless routine that slowly sucks the life out of them. I only have so long to live, so how do I keep myself from wasting away? How do I keep myself from falling into the pit of darkness that I once knew so well? I don't have an answer to that, but is that really all that unusual? I loath myself for saying this, but I really can only sit here and wait for my doom. It's only five days. Ha ha ha, that's plenty of time for a shit ton of nervous break downs. If the inevitable does happen, I will come up with something. I have to. It's obviously going to be hard at first, but I refuse to just turn into a mindless minion.  

    So I will continue to wait till the 27, continue to hold on to that small thread of hope, continue to function. While at the same time ignoring all the voices in my head that say I'm going to fail.