A Fcking Love Letter

I always thought something like this was silly, stupid and pointless, yet here I am writing it. Although I have written a 'poem' for you so I guess that's worse. Still I write to understand my emotions and I guess this was bound to happen. So here I fucking go, run while you still can.

    Recently I told you that I felt there was something I should tell you, but I didn't know what it was. It's the weirdest feeling having your heart scream at you while your brain just hides in a corner, unable to understand what exactly the heart and soul are trying to explain. Still it's a feeling I get whenever I'm with you or trying and failing to fall asleep. Frustrating is putting it lightly, because I don't know how to go about solving this problem. Maybe this can help me a bit though.
    You're often the last thing I think about before going to bed. When I can't fall asleep I try to picture you next to me, gently breathing through your mouth. When I'm scared I shut my eyes and pretend your warmth is surrounding me, your arm is wrapped around my shoulder and your breath is tickling my ear. 
    Fridays are the days I look forward to the most, not because of the weekend, but because I know I will get to see you. While Sundays are now the saddest of days, because that's when our weekend is over and we separate for the next five days. 
    I feel so full around you. (I could almost say whole.) When I'm with you I just feel so content and sometimes even happy. Even when we are just sitting next to each other and doing our own separate things I still feel whole. Like the world is almost right and if I died right then, well I'd be okay with it. 
    Before I even knew it you broke through my walls and made yourself comfortable. If only you knew how much that terrified me, because in a way I allowed this. I was so curious about the quiet long haired boy that sat across from me. I never really pursued you though, because I had so much bullshit in my life that I was more interested in screwing my head back in place. Still one day you came to me and I was happy, over joyed because I thought maybe this could be a new friend. I was so friend starved after moving that I opened a window and decided to watch. To my surprise you climbed in and stayed despite all the hints of a broken past and me showing off my true colors fairly early on. I saw no reason to sprinkle myself in rainbows and candy. At the time I was so sick of all the lies and the back stabbing, so I let myself be vulnerable. 
    You stayed for some reason, honestly every time I see you I'm still surprised, still amazed. How are you still here? Why do you keep coming back? I try not to think about that. Instead focusing on you just being here and coming back. Enjoying the time I have with you and the moments we share. Still as much as I try not to think about it there is still the evil part in my brain that whispers "One day he will leave, so run first before he hurts you."
    I can't run though. I'm in so deep that it's impossible for me. Before I knew it you became a focus for me, something that chases away the depression, the dark thoughts, the death. Sure it still looms over me occasionally, but you, without even realizing it, help chase it away. I will forever be grateful to you for that. That doesn't mean you yourself don't create your own shadows. They are never as bad and just tend to be doubts that randomly appear. Something that everyone in a relationship must go through. Those are thoughts I chase away with the simple phrase of "If it happens than it happens, I will just have to cherish the time I get with you."

The point of maybe this whole fucking Jashin damn letter is this.

    Aster I love you so much that I feel like the word love isn't a good enough description of the way I feel about you. You make me feel almost complete and whole. You help me forget about the glove I wear, the scars I hold inside and outside. You mean the world to me and I would go to hell and back for you. 

This terrifies me to no end, but I'm going to keep moving forward anyway. 

The thing that annoys me the most though.

I don't think I will ever have the guts to send this to you let alone say it to your face.   

xxx

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I keep waking up. Every time I try to sleep.

I keep seeing something in nothing lying in bed late at night.

I keep thinking I'll go to bed earlier the next night. Still when I do I end up staying awake.

I keep gazing into the darkness, looking for something I know isn't there- searching.

Searching for something I know I once had, but now is gone.

How do you look for something when you yourself are unaware of what it is you are looking for?

The only thing I know, is that I won't find it with my eyes.

It's pointless to keep searching. Looking for something I will most likely stumble upon.

That's how life tends to work isn't it? You find it by accident or you never find it at all.

Still I keep looking with my meaningless eyes. Searching with my soul

Sleep evades me in this search. Allowing me to stay up and ponder, but I don't want this anymore.

I keep waking up as if I'm grasping for something, someone. 

I keep feeling this empty hole in my chest whenever I'm alone.

I keep wondering what is wrong. Am I slowly losing my mind?

I keep gazing into the darkness, searching for something I know isn't there.

Still my mind seems to know, but my soul still cries.

Empty, I feel so very empty. 

Emotions are there, but they come so suddenly, so abruptly and it scares me in a way. 

The dull buzz of boredom is a constant when in school, even though I'm excited to learn.

Steel nerves and irritation always arrive on time for a spar.

Sadness though, that is something that keeps appearing more and more often leaving me confused.

How is it that I feel empty yet overwhelmed at certain times?

I keep feeling this helplessness and wonder why?

I keep questioning the tears and their reason for falling.

I keep thinking I can't be happy, not now.

I keep longing something I don't know if I will ever have.

Did you know I cry now, every time I drop you off?

I don't really understand why.

Did you know that I have so many things I want to say to you, ask you, but never do?

It's because I'm scared of losing you.

Do you know that ever since you left I have felt hollow inside?

The world really is a cruel place.

Do you know that I feel like I'm mourning with you?

It feels like I'm channeling a small part of you.

Are you aware that you will out live me?

No, neither am I.

Still I feel like the end of something is near, but what that is I do not know.

My soul seems to though, for it seems to be in constant pain.

Still I wish I could sleep.

I wish I could focus on the good things.

I wish I could focus on the time I had, not the time I have left.

This almost feels like a goodbye. 

It's just me wishing for sleep.

Still I love you both.

Could you share some warmth with me?

 I really just want to sleep.

Fucking Tears

    I want a hug. I don't even know why I just do. I'm crying for some reason, well I started crying after reading Larspurs beautiful post and now I just can't stop and I want a hug.
    Lately I've felt way more emotional than usual and I keep telling myself to start meditating again, but I never do. I don't quite understand all these things going on inside me. It's probably stress coming and going so my body really doesn't know what to do with it, leaving me a frazzled wreck. I was so stressed before finding out I got accepted into uni, but once I did it felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. For a few days I felt like my old self, all back to my normal, snarky, laid back self. Then the day before school started I found out I hadn't been assigned to a group yet, no big deal monday was suppose to be an organization day so I could just ask the office for help. When I went to the student office they informed me that they couldn't tell me and I should try the secretary. Called her and only found out that the teacher in charge of my year would be able to tell me, but he wasn't going to be in till later and even then she wasn't sure if he'd be here.
    Well fucking fantastic what was I suppose to do if he didn't come? Still I tried to relax and told myself to calm down that he would probably be there to at least introduce himself to the year. He was thankfully there and later that evening I found my group. So I started to attend classes and everything's okay till I find out we have english. Okay, no big deal I know english, but I don't see it on my subjects list and when I wrote to my teacher he said that the list should be updated again today and I would probably be on there. I would be on there if it wasn't for one little thing. I hadn't signed up for english. I was completely unaware that I had to sign up for it in my own. The whole time I'm wondering how my classmates knew about this. Is there some website where they are reading all this info from that I don't know about? I ended up signing up for english after taking a competency test, of course I got the highest (at least I think it's the highest) grouping C2. Still doesn't change the fact that I signed up for it this evening when we have english tomorrow morning. Now there are six groups and this will be the first meeting, so I could just go to one of the meetings and pretend to belong than hope the english list is updated and I'm put into a proper group by monday, which also happens to be the next day we have english classes.
    There is also a part of me that wants to say fuck the english classes cause I know what they are going to be like and I am aware that I am going to be fucking bored. I really wish I would stop crying, I don't even know why I am anymore.

    Maybe it's because I'm in college despite all the odds. I got in by the skin of my teeth. Literally was the last person on the acceptance list. I'm scared yet terrified, because this time there are no second chances and I can't fuck this up. 

Maybe it's from my lack of sleep on sunday, thus screwing up my whole sleep schedule on the first week of school. 

Maybe it's the fact that this could be the end with Aster, maybe sometime soon and I just don't know how I will survive after something like that happens.

 Maybe it's the fact that I'm so intimidated by my fellow classmates that I can't even say a word to them, so I can't make friends. 

Maybe I'm just so fucking tired of life, of hiding things, of lying that when I got a chance to be myself with someone, no strings attached, I loved it so much that now I feel like I'm dieing on the inside and I don't know what to do. Took a whole fucking month for it to settle in, but hey it got here on the worst week possible. 

So here I sit and cry for some fucking stupid reason, feeling completely dead on the inside and wondering how to feel okay again. If I will ever feel full, complete, happy again.      

 

A Wall

There are two doors separating us at this very moment. Two plain brown wooden doors. Yet these simple everyday objects seem like a wall of massive proportions. There are no entry signs all over the place and barb wire lines the top. Still you feel an urge to try to pass this obstacle because on the other side is someone you care about and they are in pain. Some of it is physical yes, but most of it seems to be emotional something you are horrendous with, yet you still wish to be with them to be able to help them in some way to comfort them. You can't though because of this wall built by the one on the other side, before it was erected you ran to them and tried to get them to open up, to show them that you care and it doesn't matter, but they rejected you. Now you sit on the other side and wonder how to get around this iron defense, how to break through and show them that it doesn't matter and that everything will be okay eventually.
That's all it really ends up being though- thinking. You are awful at these sort of things, trying to comfort or cheer someone up. Never had a natural talent for it even though you wished you did. Honestly, you feel terrible on the inside that you can't do anything to help, even though you seem the struggling you feel the pain your going through. Sure, you may not understand completely, but if given a chance than you could at least empathize with their situation. Provide some sort of support or be a crutch. How can you help someone when they refuse any hand you hold out.
Emotions were never your strong point, still aren't. You don't always understand, but you know the pain they can cause, the stress they can bring into your life. There is something that you can sympathize with. Still though you stare at the wall in front of you and hope one day they will hear your voice and know that they can always come to you.
You can't and won't blame them for closing in on themselves and bottling everything up, because you do the same thing they do. Have done in the past and will most likely do in the future. There will be one difference between your situations. You will be standing on the other side of their wall, waiting. One day they will be ready, eventually they will allow you in. Maybe not very deep, maybe just enough to help them get some of the stress away, but that's okay. Because in the end you just want to help them in any way you can.

Onslaught

    I've been putting off this post for a while now. So much so that the emotions inside of me have built up and are now forming into the darkest of things. I couldn't sleep last night because I watched too many creepy videos. I'm a scardy cat, but during the day I find that usually I can watch that kind of stuff, not this time though. My brain seemed to latch onto all of those ideas from the videos and created this monster in my head. So I laid in bed all night watching gtlive streams trying to ignore the fear in my head, trying not to look at the shadows around my room and picturing things that want to eat me. I didn't get to sleep till 6:30 when I heard my father leaving for work and could hear the life of the outside world from my cracked window. I didn't sleep for long, only until about 10 and I felt shitty for the whole day, questioning myself and if I was going insane.When my father got home he realized I had a fever and told me to stay in bed. I never even noticed my raised temperature. The whole day I was questioning my sanity and my life in general.
    My bottled up emotions seemed to have manifested themselves in this way and after drinking plenty of tea and soup I feel a bit better, but my mind still feel exhausted. The stress, sadness and emptiness are getting to me a lot worse than before. All the stress has been accumulating since may, that's about four months. Never in my life have I been so snappy and quick to temper. Yet I'm finding it harder and harder to center myself. School and just my results are killing me right now, my future is so uncertain at this moment. Everything hangs in the balance, on Wednesday I will find out if I got into uni. I'm so tired of this subject and everything it pertains. I hate it, at this point I'm so sick and tired of people asking me about college and what I'm going to study or how I am doing. Why the fuck do I have to go to college? I'm so sick and tired of hearing about it. Why can't I just get a job where they teach me how to do it and I can get straight to work after a month or so? That's how it is after college anyway. Sure you have a degree, but 90% of the time it's just a piece of paper and you have to learn everything all over again in the office. I wish I could just skip the whole school thing. I wish I could just fast forward a few years in the future to see what I'm doing then, to know if all these stupid things will help me out in life or will they just become more scars?
    The sadness and empty feeling aren't helping me much either. I sort of feel like how I did during my high school years when I left my brother. My two most important people were on the other side of the world. I did that to myself, I could have stayed, but it felt wrong to. I couldn't bring myself to stay there. I just couldn't. That didn't stop the feeling of emptiness when I got back. Sucking at my soul everyday, slowly withering me away. Eventually, after months of this dull, cold feeling I started to live again. The emptiness slowly faded and it usually only ever came back every once in a while, which was fine cause it never felt as bad as it did then.
    I got to spend a month and a half with my brother this summer and right after he left, a month with my sister. It left me with no room to mourn his leaving for I focused on her arrival. When she left it wasn't that bad the first day and on the second Aster came and was by my side for a solid five days. Giving me no chance to mourn both of them leaving. Sometimes when we would both be doing our thing I would space out a bit and the sadness would creep in on me, but it wasn't that bad cause he was right there seemingly beating it away.
    It was when I finally got to be alone for a couple of days that I allowed the sadness to take me. Instead of holding the tears back like I used to I let them flow freely for a short time allowing myself to give in to my weakness. In some way I feel like I'm still mourning. Even now tears are falling and it sort of makes me wonder why, but then I can hear my brothers voice on the other side of the phone and I can actually hear his excitement. He's happy that I called him, since we hadn't spoken in over a month because I was busy with Larkspur. We ended up talking for over an hour and probably would have talked more if he hadn't had homework to do. Then I picture me saying goodbye with Larkspur at the airport terminal and trying to hold back the tears in the car. Pretending not to see them slowly leaking from my eyes, ignoring the fact that I'm driving over the speed limit and not caring if I crash.
    This summer was amazingly wonderful and something I will probably never experience in the same form of ever again. I feel like I connected with my brother and sister all over again in a deeper and more meaningful way. Teaching Azeal how to drive a stick shift, showing Larkspur the beauty of Europe. These are just a few memories that I want to cherish for as long as possible. In the end it all comes down to me missing them painstakingly more than usual. It almost feels like I'm broken into pieces and I don't feel whole unless I'm with my special people.
    The only one that can really numb the pain is Aster, but he can't always be here. I can't rely on him so heavily. It doesn't really help that after next week I won't get to see him as much cause he'll be starting school. It will be difficult for him too and very demanding, so it makes me wonder how often we will get to see each other.
    This vulnerability is killing me and I absolutely hate it. I'm floating in the middle of a black void, screaming and shouting my heart out, but it doesn't mater because I am the only one that can get me out.
    Recently I read a fanfiction and there was a line in there that seemed to burn me when I read it. "Love is giving someone a gift, through faith, hope, trust or experience. It is praying that they won't use it against you." I immediately looked to Aster when I read this, because I felt this described the way I felt about him perfectly. I have fallen for this boy, so hard that I would do almost anything for him. He has taken a place in my heart right along side my brother and sister. This scares me though, because he has the most potential in him, with just a single sentence he can tear into my heart and destroy my fragmented mind. When I realized this my first thought was to strike at him, rip away before he can hurt me, that way it will burn less, but I can't do that. As I have said jokingly out loud to him and he to me 'I'm in too deep.'
    In this day and age relationships don't always work out in the long term for different reasons and I believe in that, but there is a small part of me that hopes this relationship will last. A small part of me that thinks 'I wouldn't mind being with this man for the rest of my life.' Still I keep myself back for I don't want to come off as too clingy or needy and despite the fact that we have been together for over a year I feel there are still sides I haven't seen of him yet. Than again there are sides he has yet to see from me, so I sit back and enjoy the ride, trying to ignore the new emotions blooming inside of me, in the fear that he does not feel such things, trying to protect my already fragile state of mind.
    Sometimes though I wish I told him that I loved him more. Just to let him know that despite my sometimes cold and elusive demeanor he has a firm hold in my heart. I always end up holding my tongue and let it just ring in my head, wondering how long this will last, how far this will go. Letting the small amount of hope to settle in the pit of my stomach and hoping it doesn't grow any larger.

    Hopefully with the onslaught of words my brain and heart of emptied enough that I can go to sleep somewhat soundly. If not I can always watch some pokemon xyz episodes on youtube.

Maybe I'll see you around.

Final Time

    It's hard to continue like this. The waiting, this emptiness just sitting inside me. I'm tired of it, so very tired. I wish I could say that I hated it. That way I would still have the energy to fight it, but I've gotten past that. I've given in. I'm such a coward. A failure, waste of space. If some asked what I could do that would benefit the earth. Well my answer would probably be kill myself. Im really just a parasite at this point in time. I'm not bringing anything to this world, not helping anyone out or making there lives better. I'm just here and that is something that I'm sick and tired of. Being here.
    Despite my thoughts I find it so hard to leave, to just jump, to just cut a bit deeper. There's always something holding me back, something trivial or stupid. Today though, today will be the day. There's one final thing I want to do before that though.
    I ring her doorbell and she quickly opens the door with a smile. She knows it's me and isn't surprised by my presence. We do have a date tonight. I greet her and we head out to the movies to see some comedy action flick that I can't remember the title of. It's a good time we're both amused by the end and decide to get some ice cream and walk back to her place. She chats about her week and I listen intently adding in feedback. All the while I'm memorizing her facial features, her beautiful eyes, her laugh. I try to take in every detail and sear it into my brain. This will be the final time.
   We get back to her place and fall into our routine of joking with each other till we get tired and go to bed. It's going to be the last time. For once I'm a bit more brave and confident when we do it. I try to get as much noise out of her as I can. Make sure she absolutely loves it. All the while I feel like I'm trying to eat her whole and swallow her soul. I don't want to forget this, any of this. Of all the things in my life she is the most important one and I would do anything for her.
    I wonder what she would do if I told her this would be the last time. This is the end, no matter how much I hate it, no matter how much I wish it wasn't. When we kiss goodnight, it's long and soulful. I feel as if we shared a part of ourselves in that kiss. Eventually she falls asleep and I watch her for a bit. That peaceful expression on her face is the final piece and I almost break looking at her, but I don't. Standing I quietly dress myself and kiss her on the forehead. Softly, she doesn't even twitch in her sleep. I leave the only place that ever really felt like home to me and don't look back.
    That was the only thing keeping me here and now it's time to say goodbye. I stare down at the world bellow me. I don't even know how far up I am. Just saw a tall building I could go inside and made my way to the top. So here I am looking down at the world bellow and all I feel is peace and sadness. Without thinking I lean forward and stare at the ground rushing towards me. Strangely enough I don't feel fear or regret. It's better this way, for everyone.

Thank you.

 Did I ever tell you that I loved you? 

I did?

I'm glad. 

Inspired by: Jaymes Young - One LastTime

Awakening

    I quietly walk into the small guest bedroom of the house and take a moment to observe the room. It's filled with many different things. There are clothing articles thrown about in piles, a growing group of what seems to be knick knacks of sorts and two material suitcases in one corner with a bright red bean bag in the middle of the tiny room. It's the complete opposite of what this room usually looks like, bare. Spiders and dust were once the occupants of this room, now though it's a female with long strawberry colored hair.
    Said female is currently sleeping, curled up in the middle of the bed which is found to the left of the door. Most of her body is covered by a soft yellow, orange and brown blanket, but there are a few places where her skin is showing. Let the fun begin. I sit down on the bed and stare, contemplating whether to tickle her feet, neck or hand. She's very ticklish. All I have to do is lightly swipe across her skin and she feels discomfort and tries to hid. I start from the arm and lightly swipe across the small bit of exposed skin and than wait. The body moves a bit, but only barely so I repeat my action a few more times. After a few more minutes of this the girl finally moves and tucks her hand under the blanket so it is out of my reach. This doesn't deter me at all though as I just move on to her neck and repeat the process. This time I get a light groan and I immediately stop. As much as I enjoy teasing her and watching her squirm, I know if I ever actually woke her up this way I would be in a world of pain.
    So I stop and instead watch her for a few moments, wondering if she will wake up on her own or will I have to help her. It seems though that she feels little want to be conscious and instead ends up cocooning herself in the blanket. I really can't help but be amused by this. Eventually though I start to nudge her shoulder, not roughly just light little shakes, two or three at a  time before stopping and waiting. If she starts to move I know she's slowly waking up, but if she curls in on herself more I have to keep nudging. I shake her shoulder a couple more times, before she lets out a groan. Her hand snakes out from under the warmth of the blanket and picks up a device near her head. She pears at it, squinting her eyes before sighing and putting it back down.
    She rolls over on her back with her eyes just barely open. Open, close, open, close. Slowly they start to open completely, but than she blinks quickly in multiple succession as if fighting the urge to just roll over and fall back asleep. It's probably exactly what she's doing at the moment. This goes on for a few more moments before she finally starts blinking at a normal pace. It seems she has won the battle against the Sandman.
     Now she's rolling onto her side and grabbing a small black case from which she pulls out a pair of glasses. Putting them on she notices me and sighs, grateful that I'm waking her, but at the same time annoyed, because she would really prefer to be unconscious at the moment. After a few more minutes of gathering herself and just waking up she finally sits upright.
    This is the moment I have been waiting for. I calmly walk over to her and sit in her lap. It doesn't take long for her to start petting me and I let out a light purr. 'Thanks for waking me kitty cat,' she says it in a slightly sleepy voice, but in that annoying tone of hers. She knows I don't like to be called kitty cat, but I guess it's revenge for me tickling her every morning. Sighing, I stand and jump from her lap, she looks at me in disdain before standing as well. 'Guess it's time to start the day, fuckin fantastic.'