Sleepless

I can't sleep.

    It's been a while since I've laid in bed unable to fall asleep. Maybe it's because I've been staying up late with Aster, going out or just training. Going out for a drink means I'll be back around two and even then Aster usually stays over and keeps me up for at least another half hour. Training physically exhaust my body, so I just end up shutting down fairly quickly.
    Now though my body is neither tired from training nor am I with Aster, so for the first time in a long while I'm having difficulty falling asleep. My brain seems to have decided to go on a field day. So many things are going through my mind at the moment and I just can't decipher it all. The few things that come to the surface are met with annoyance, because I really just want to lose consciousness at the moment.
    My brother arrived literally two days ago. His flight was delayed and my dad had a mini freak out, which was ammusing for all of thirty seconds, before I told him to sit down and stop it. He wanted to rush to the airport, because he read my brothers arrival time which would have been very funny if I hadn't been in the middle of eating dinner at the time. We picked him up without any trouble though and since than the two of us have been by each other almost nonstop. I guess we're making up for all the lost time or just proving to ourselves that yes we are here together physically. This is not a dream. It's usually like that though we spend a crap ton of time together whenever we visit each other. There are breaking points where we need a couple of hours to ourselves but there are few of those.
    What else is on my mind at the moment? Hmm, might as well got the heavier thing off my chest. My matura exam results are going to be out in ten days. I was joyfully reminded of that today. At the time I played it off smoothly, but now when I'm alone and in the dark, well it's obvious that I'm worried. I feel that I wrote them well and a whole lot better than I did last year, but what if I didn't? What the hell do I do then? I don't know honestly. My 'father' will be disappointed in me, but really when is he not? There will be that awkward conversation with my mother and grandmother. God, I don't even know. In a perfect world Aster, Bell and I would all get accepted into that same damn college, we'd all some how miraculously finish computer programing and get a decent job after. This isn't a perfect world though, but it's fun to dream isn't it?
    I used to make up random little daydreams when I was bored or couldn't sleep. They started out with a made up character going on some adventure or making friends and just living a really fulfilling life in general. I eventually stopped thinking up these wonderful daydreams, because after a while they brought me more sadness than joy.
    Recently I've been thinking about Aster way too much. It's strange. We've been going out for almost a year now and yet these past few days I feel strange. I don't even know how to describe it, but when I think of him my heart feels a bit lighter and a small smile comes to my face. Earlier when I was laying in bed whenever I opened my eyes I felt disappointment when I didn't seem him within arms reach. I feel like a silly love sick teenager. Which is terrible, because I really don't want to become too clingy. That's the last thing I would want. Still that doesn't mean I don't feel like calling him and asking him how his day went just so I can hear his voice. It's just bizarre. These emotions are so foreign and strange and I really don't know what to do. Sigh, either way I'm going to Greece on monday and I won't be back for nine days. Not much, but still I'm already thinking of him and slightly missing him. Which really I have no right to. Larspur has been in a long distance relationship for over four years I think and she has it way worse. I will never be able to complain to her about such a silly little thing, guess that's another thing to add to the list. Guess I'll just have to settle for closing my eyes and picturing him next to me, hearing his voice, seeing his chameleon eyes. It's not like this is the end.
    Even though the sad part is I'm never able to picture this being my first and last relationship. As much as I would love it to be. I'm a child of divorced parents. There is literally an ocean between them. They couldn't be further apart unless one of them decided to go into outer space. This means I've come to the sad conclusion that relationships don't last forever no matter how much I whish they would. Happily ever after doesn't exist. And marriage is bullshite. It's just a piece of paper that makes your life more difficult when one or both of the parties get bored of each other.
    That doesn't mean I can't picture the two of us being together for a long time. Getting through college together, moving in with each other, getting our first major jobs, learning to love each other both completely and whole. What other people would view as imperfection and scars we would see as just another mark that created who we are.
    God this has me turning into such a romantic. I guess since I'm alone and unable to sleep I'll allow it, just this once. The rest will be reserved for those fucked up stories I write every once in a while. I'm still not sleepy though and as much as I love writing I really would like to go to sleep. Still I'm in that state where I say/ write the first thing that pops into my head. Usually my brain filter has holes, but when I'm sleepy then it disappears completely. I swear Aster enjoys keeping me up just so he can hear me speak random nonsene when he asks me questions. That or it's because he can get my honest opinion about something, because I'm completely open when I'm really sleepy. Usually I'm worried about what I say, sometimes at least, but that worry goes away when I'm tired and it's just a free for all then. Funny part is I never seem to remember much in those sleep deprived states in the morning. Like I will remember that we talked and I will be aware that I said some very strange things, but I won't really remember what those things were. It's interesting to say the least.
    Anyway I think I've rambled on enough about random crap for now. I think I'll give it another go and see if I can fall asleep. Really hope so man, I enjoy sleep way too much. Kudos to anyone who got through all this bul crap. Honestly you deserve a cookie.

Maybe I'll see you around       

- - -

It's dark when I open my eyes. I'm not really surprised at this point. I've had this dream so many times, that it no longer summons the deep fear within me that it once did. Today though, all I feel is resignation. Nothings going to happen if I just stand in place though. I did that one time and I didn't leave until He woke me.
    So I start walking, there's no reason to run anymore, because it will always find me no matter how hard I try to escape. I rub at my chest as I feel a small painful jab near my heart, but it does little to soothe the pain. The sewers are such a strange place to be in. My left hand traces the smooth wall as I walk along the cold stone path. A stream flows on my other side, but it's calm and somewhat soothing in this strange darkened place.
    Eventually I seem to reach a dead end and I'm about to turn around and start making my way back when a door seems to materialize out of thin air. Why not? I grab the handle and seem to slip right through the pale wooden door.
    I always end up in the most random of places when I enter through these doors, but this time I enter a very familiar light green room. To my left is a similar door to the one I just entered, but I know this one leads to nowhere, so I take a few more steps forward, before my old room comes completely into my vision.
    This is so strange. A door has never led me to a familiar place before, yet granted before me is my childhood room. There are pin marks on the walls from where I hung posters and post cards, a small nook in the right hand corner and scratches on the floor from my bed posts. It's completely empty, void of everything that was mine. It's nostalgic standing here. I never thought I'd get to see it again, yet here I am.
    Still I was brought here for a reason wasn't I? Subconsciously my brain must be trying to tell me something? What could you possibly want to tell me though? I've accepted that my childhood is over. My regrets from when we moved have been erased, mostly. What am I missing?
    The creature is heard before it's seen, which isn't strange, but it sounds so much calmer and less rushed than usual. Even though I know it's in the room I can't help but jump out of my skin when I turn around and find it barely a foot away from me. The snake doesn't react to my fright at all and instead starts to wrap around my body. It seems to shrink in size as it does so, until it's only on my shoulders, staring me straight in the face.
    It bumps its face into my nose and seems to glare at me with it's bright eyes. What are you trying to tell me? Don't you know I'm stupid and clueless? It flicks it's tongue out at me, thoroughly annoyed. You can be annoyed, but I still don't know why I'm here. What do my troubles from my childhood have to do with what I'm going through now? The snake seems to sigh and just wrap itself tighter around my neck. It could be trying to comfort me, that or it's making fun of my clueless-ness. I doubt it's the latter though, because my problem is it's problem.
    I feel terrible right now. I say aloud speaking to it, speaking to another part of myself. I feel like such a terrible person, because it hurts whenever we try to do it. And I feel like the most biggest terrible, shitiest person in the world. He's been trying so hard. We've gotten better at it. It's not as frantic or needy. I don't feel scared when we go into that territory anymore, but then we try and it hurts. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts and I fucking hate it. I hate it so fucking much, but you know what's worse? I hate myself even more, cause at that moment I feel like the biggest piece of crap on the planet. You know I'm such a terrible piece of shit I'm not even good enough for fertilizer. That type of shit.
    To top it off, he's understanding about it. He's okay with it. Tries to come up with different solutions so that it won't hurt. I know I should be grateful that he's understanding, but it just makes me feel worse, because I'm letting him down in the most basic of way and I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to fix it or how to make it stop. I just want to make love with him. The kind where we both finish and are both high off dopamine and the good stuff. Where we just need to lay there for a second to ground ourselves.  
    The snake grows in size and starts to curl around me again, as if it was trying to protect me from everything, but it can't, because eventually I'll wake up. I'll wake up to his bare back and all these emotions, all these thoughts will hit me a hundred times harder. I curl in on myself and close my eyes, trying to calm myself from the hurricane of emotions, but it's difficult and I can still feel it banging on the door outside. Trying to get in.

    Still I close my eyes and try to sleep, because I know I won't be getting any shut eye for the next week. 

A Letter Never to be Sent

Dear Father,
    I'm writing this letter, because you've done something that has upset me today. Usually I don't mind, after all I'm just your useless drop out of a daughter, but still it hurts just a little bit. When you think I don't care about you anymore. When you think you can't count on me, because I will be there for you in your greatest time of need.
     I was there for you. I accepted you and said it was okay, that it's fine. That you don't have to feel guilty about it. That there is no reason to feel such emotions. It didn't work out between you and my mother. That's understandable. It doesn't work out for everyone.
    So that night when you came to me and asked for my permission to see other woman I felt touched, yet found it silly that you felt the need to ask me. You explained and we talked for over an hour, but really there was no reason for all the talking and the explaining or the guilt. You hadn't been with my mother for over two years. She lives on a completely different continent, you honestly can't get any closer to divorce than besides an actual divorce.
    You started going on dates. I never meet any of them, but you talked about the ones you liked until after a while you only had one that you kept talking about. Her name was Ania and she seemed like a really nice lady. After two months of dating I finally meet her and she left a really positive impression on me. She still does to this day.
    Honestly, I was so glad you were getting out of the house more. You seemed happier and it made me smile. Seeing the obvious joy and delight when you were going to meet up with Ania. Or that one time she surprised you by randomly coming over, because she had nothing to do at home and honestly neither did you. Watching reruns of old movies doesn't count. Especially if you've seen it more than five times.
    The two of you have been going out for almost a year now, I think. It has been great for you. You've been leaving the house more and you've been a bit more energetic. I don't see you in front of the television as much as I used to and that really makes me happy. That my father has gotten out of his stump. That he no longer feels guilty for living.
    Recently though I've noticed a few things that sort of sadden me. I guess it's because you've moved on while I'm sort of drifting out in the ocean alone. I have a few lifelines that keep me from sinking, but don't worry you're not one of them, because I have long since learned my lesson. I can't really count on you for everything anymore. I'm an adult now, but at the same time I'm still a child. Living by your rules, under your roof and in general under your command.
    I just recently started to notice these small changes. The biggest clue in was when Ania and I came to pick you up at the airport. You had the biggest smile on your face when you saw her. The both of you pretty much ran into each others arms. You almost immediately started talking to her and it took you a second to realize that I was there too and you promptly gave me a hug. Still you focused on Ania and constantly chatted with her while we were driving back.
    A similar situation happened when I came to pick you up from the train station. As soon as you left the train you called up Ania and even after you saw me you continued talking with her. It wasn't until after you hung up that you really saw me and said hello. I asked you about your trip, but you gave sparse details. Your mind was already focused on someone else.
    I didn't really mind these situations. In fact I was amused. Really, I am so happy for you and the fact that you're living again. But I guess I was also a bit sad, that I wasn't part of the center of your universe anymore. Ania is your world and I'm just a comet that you notice every once in a while. Sad to say, but I have gotten used to living on the side line, in the shadows and all that.
    Today though you said something that really hurt me. You asked me to drive you and Ania next friday to the docks. I apologized and said I couldn't because I was taking part in a charity event and there was no way I could drive you. I apologized to you whole heartedly, because I felt bed that I couldn't help you out, but I told you about this event over a month ago and there's nothing I could do. You knew in advanced, but like usual you forgot. If I was meeting up with friends that day I would cancel or reschedule with them, but there is honestly nothing I can do to help you. I'm sorry you'll have to ask someone else to drive you. Worse case scenario you'll have to get a taxi.
    You didn't accept my apology, just sort of dropped the subject and then went on trying to guilt trip me into driving you. I than have to explain again with more detail that there was nothing I could do and that I really was sorry. Again reminding you that I told you about this weeks ago. Finally you give up, but before completely dropping the subject you say one line that both saddens me and pisses me off.
    "I guess I just can't count on you anymore." You fucking asshole. Really? I can't do this one thing for you and you make it seem like the biggest thing in the world? Even after I already explained it to you twice that I couldn't go. That I was sorry. Really? The fact that you can't see your own actions saddens me dear father. The fact that my mother was right about something and I finally see it as well makes me want to cry.
    Did you know that we've drifted in this past year? Have you noticed that you've stopped talking to me about work or in general about your day. Sure, you'll give me a vague answer, but now you keep all the interesting things for Ania. You seem surprised when I don't know something, seeming to think you've already informed me that the guests that were suppose to come this weekend aren't coming. You told Ania, so you've told everyone important.
    I know I probably sound bitter, probably because I am, but honestly I don't quite know what to do. You expect things from me, but you seemed to have stopped caring about me. When was the last time we went out and spent time together? You used to pester me about that every weekend, but you haven't done it in months. We used to be able to talk for hours about nothing in particular, but now I find it difficult to keep a conversation with you that lasts longer than twenty minutes.
    We've drifted I guess. I've let you down. I'm not following the path you created for me. I'm not a genius. I'm not as smart as my cousins. There really is very little reason to be proud of a daughter like me. Still did you have to stop caring? I really only had you left, now though I'm left to my own devices. If it wasn't for Aster I probably would have done something stupid a long time ago.
    You were never a perfect father, but you tried and you always cared. Now though it seems you're done playing that role. You've gotten bored of the part and decided to take on something else. Until Eryk arrives, then we shall see what you decide to do.
    So I guess this is my goodbye letter to you. I have to admit that you fell out of the center of my world a while ago, but you were still nearby and I still cared for you deeply. Now though I guess you're just going to be there, because I still see you on a daily basis.
    Know that you are still my father and I will help you when you need it, because I help people when I can. It's just what I do. I will remember the time we spent together. Those two years we had licking each others wounds and just trying to get by, trying to recover from the red shit storm that happened. I will remember them, just like I will remember you as the wonderful and kind hearted father that you were. I guess love really does change a person.

Goodbye Tata. I will miss you.

Z.M.K   

 

Voicing things

There are so many things that I want to tell you. 

Yet I'm never able to voice them aloud.

There are so many things I want to ask you.

Yet I'm afraid of your answer.

So here I'll try to voice them,

but only because here you'll never read them.

Did you know I find you breath taking, especially in the spring sun. 

Why is it that you keep coming back?

I love your chameleon eyes.

What do you see that I can not?

Your loyalty to your friends is inspiring.

I don't understand, how are you still here?

I know that you have just as many questions as I.

Yet you aren't afraid to voice yours.

I tend to avoid them, for there are some things I'm not yet ready to say.

You accept my silence, you never push.

I will forever be grateful for that, 

but know some of your questions will eventually be answered.

Why do I wear a black glove?

I'm afraid that reply will be cryptic.

What keeps me awake at night?

So many thoughts

Why Aster and what does it mean?

Well I've been ready to tell you that for a while, 

but I can't help but keep it cryptic longer.

One day you will know.

That I've been saying it to you out loud for a while now,

Yet you never noticed.

That Aster means...

Well I'm afraid I don't want to tell you just yet. 

Sitting

    Are you ever afraid of certain time of day? Or maybe you just have one of those random days where you can't help, but feel detached from everything? You know those day's where you can just sit down and stare into space for hours on end? I have those sometimes. It can happen twice a week or once a month depending on my emotional stability. It is fairly random, but whenever it does happen I'm perfectly fine with just laying/ sitting and staring off into space. When it happens on a weekend then I just play a youtube playlist and sit at my window with a cuppa in my hand and just watch. At first I'm taking sips from my cup of tea and observing the world outside my window. 

    The neighbors new young cat is trying and failing miserably at hunting. The tiny brown birds are just too quick for him. After a while he gives up and just seems to stare at them in longing. The birds are fun to watch, but they never seem to be able to relax when your observing them. At least the older ones can't. I guess they just know when they are being observed, it's a safety mechanism inside them that helps them survive. Only birds of prey seem to be indifferent to your gaze. 

    Eventually my eyes stop seeing the world around me and I get lost inside my mind. Since it's daytime it's easier to stay out of the darker parts of my thoughts. The monsters that keep me up at night, but that isn't always the case. Today though I just lose myself to my random little made up stories. I allow myself to fully emerge into them, forgetting for a while that that is not my life. Usually I keep myself from doing this, it's hard to leave a created world like that, but when I'm in this type of state of mind it's a lot easier to just not care. 

    So I enter. 

    I'm walking in my neighborhoods small square, right next to the children's park. With a small bag of groceries in one hand, humming a small tune. The weather is very calm and it's quite warm, so I'm only wearing jeans and a t-shirt with sneakers. I stop though when I hear my name being yelled, well it's actually my nickname- "Zoey!" I turn to the noise curiosity peaked, because there is a very few number of people that call me that and none of them live in the area. Turning I see my parkour trainer Czapla running after his son in the kiddy park. Perplexed I walk up to the fence that surrounds the play place and give a wave. The young father catches his son and walk up to me with a smile. 

    "Hey Zoey, what are you doing here?"

    I only raise my eyebrow in question, "I should be the one asking you that since I live in the area and last I checked you lived farther west." 

    He only rolls his eyes, used to my blunt like way of speaking and sass/ sarcasm all rolled into one. We rarely ever spoke one and one and when we did I wasn't exactly the nicest person on the planet. "Well, I just recently bought an apartment in the area. It was starting to become annoying getting to and fro from the arena."

    "You still lasted pretty long," I replied with that I gave a small smile, "anyway welcome to the neighborhood." And made my way back home. 

    That situation was the beginning of a strange friendship, because a few days later I get a call from a frustrated Czapla. "Hello?" I answer my phone highly confused as to why my trainer is calling me on a thursday.

    "Hey Zoey, you wouldn't happen to be home at the moment would you?" 

    "I am," I reply still confused and wondering what exactly Czapla wants from me. The only time he ever used my number was when he was looking for someone to hand out leaflets for the club, but he sounded a bit to frustrated for it to be about flyers. 

    He seemed to let out a giant sigh when I replied, "Could you do me a huge favor?" 

    "Depends," I answer still wondering what is going on.

    "I have to go to the arena to teach and I have Damian with me, but I can't bring him to the arena as well, because there is a birthday party going on there today. So there isn't anyone that can watch him and I can't call and ask Annie to get him, cause she's out of town and..." 

    He seemed to be on a tirade and I cut him off, before the young adult got even more unnecessarily stressed. "You need me to babysit him for a couple of hours?" 

    "Yes, could you please?" his voice is filled with hope and as much as small kids sort of scare me, Damian was a toddler, so he wasn't as scary. Besides Czapla sounded like he really needed the help. I sighed answered positively and Czapla seemed over joyed. "I'll send you my address. How fast can you get here?"

    "I'll be there in ten minutes. Write out a list of things that I need to know about caring for Damian while you wait." With that I hung up and let out a resigned sigh, why did I agree? Oh ya, that's right it's cause I like to help people. So I packed a small bag of things and made my way to my trainers house. He lived on a side street not too far from my family home and it only took about three minutes to get there. I typed in the number to his place -12- and he immediately buzzed me up. Swiftly making my way to the third floor I found the door to apartment 12 wide open so decided to just walk in. 

    There I was greeted with Czapla trying to calm his son. The kid wasn't crying, but he seemed to be fussing over something. I coughed lightly unsure of what to do, but as soon as Czapla saw me he brighten, "Oh thank god you're here. I walked over to me and handed me a list of things. Everything you need to know is written down there." He gave me a quick tour of his place, pointing out the bathroom, kitchen and his bedroom. Finally he handed me Damian, who looked up at me in confusion. "Damian this is Zoey," He patted my head to emphasize his point, "She's going to be watching you while I go to work. I will be back around 22:30, so be good till then ok." The kid seemed to nod as if in understanding and started to grab at my hair. 

    "Great," Czapla seemed to smile at his gesture, "that mean's he's comfortable with you." He pat both of our heads again, making sure to make my hair extra messy, before saying goodbye and rushing out the door. 

    The both of us just stared at the now locked door then looked at the other, "So now what do we do?" I ask, of course the tyke doesn't answer, but he giggles, which is a good sign in my book. I put him down and he wobbles his way to the main room where his toys are. He seems to get comfortable on his blanket and starts playing with a dinosaur and car. Seeing that he's occupied I take a look at the list Czapla wrote. It just had a few major pointers, what time he eats, what he eats, when he should go to bed. That he wasn't allowed to use the computer for more then two hours and never alone. Well, it's already 19, so he's been feed and I just need to watch him and get him to sleep around 21. 

    Seeing that Damian was still occupied I pulled out a few math books and started studying. Ugh, so much math. Why did I go to college again, oh ya cause I want a job that doesn't involve me standing behind a counter. I admit I got sort of lost myself in my homework and never noticed Damian getting bored and leaving the room. I didn't notice until I heard a crash, which caused me to jump and run towards the noise as soon as I realized the toddler was gone. 

    I ran into the kitchen, only to find Damian inside the fridge. The door was leaning open against the cupboards and there were food products on the floor. Damian was nestled inside the fridge laying on the bottom self. I couldn't help it I laughed at the little tyke. "What are you doing kid?" I asked him giggling and kneeling down in front of the fridge. The toddler just looked at me and gurgled, laughing with me. "Well why don't you get out of there and we'll change you into pj's, maybe do something before bed?" 

    Amazingly he seemed to understand me, because he scooted towards me and I grabbed for him. Picking him up and starting to swing him around, he let out a laugh, before I put him down and started hiding away all the food that was on the floor. Luckily he hadn't made that much of a mess, but I was surprised that he stayed and tried to help me. 

    "Alright, the mess has been cleaned, so your daddy won't get mad. Let's get you into some sleepwear," with that we went to Czapla's room where Damian had his bag of things. It was a bit of a struggle to get the little guy into clothes, since he seemed to find great amusement in making me struggle. I of course got back at him, by tickling his stomach. 

    Time passed quickly after that with me trying and failing to get Damian into bed, eventually I gave in and let him color next to me while i did more homework. He fell asleep in that time, so i brought him to his cot and laid him to bed. He slept soundly and before I knew it I heard Czapla making his way inside. I packed me stuff, before meeting him in the hall. As soon as he came in he went to check on Damian, so I had time to put on my shoes and light coat. 

    "Hey," he finally spoke, "he wasn't any trouble was he?" 

    "Nope, he was really well behaved for a toddler. The only time he made a fuss was when I tried to get him to bed." 

    "Nothing unusual then," he smiled and I started to make my way out the door. "Thanks again for this."

    "No problem," I reply "If you ever need a sitter again I'll be glad to help, Damian's a pretty fun kid. Night." With that I left the apartment and headed back home ready to hit the sack. This would not be the last time I would babysit Damian.

    I blink a few times, before I start to take in the world around me, the real world. The cup in my hands helps center and ground me. I take a sip of the now cold tea and finally get off my window sill. My body is a bit stiff from sitting in a single position for so long, so I crack my back with a sigh and enjoy hearing all the pops. I look at the time and see that only half an hour has passed. It's still bright out and warm outside. Maybe I'll go for a bike ride. With my mind made up I leave the house and let that small random dream/story world slip through the cracks. 

Maybe I'll see you around? 

           

Random Nonsense

    As soon as I my head hits the pillow I find myself falling into a deep sleep, which is unusual for me since I tend to lay awake for half an hour before I fall asleep. Even though I delved into sleep quickly I wasn't going to get any rest tonight.
    When I take a breath my nose identifies the smell of the gym where I train kung fu- sweat, tears and more sweat. The air is obnoxiously humid and my lungs strain to breath. I find myself in my black sweat pants with the bands at the end and a plain black t-shirt. It seems to be the middle of a lesson and the one teaching is Tomek. This surprises me greatly as the male hasn't been a teacher in the school for a couple of years, but I'm happy to be taking part in one of his lessons again so I listen to his commands.
    Jump, kick, run, punch, duck, block, run, kick, punch, block, duck. The punch that I was dodging suddenly increases in speed and feels almost malicious. I barely manage a doge and can feel the opponents knuckles scrap the side of my cheek. I glare at my partner to find it's my other teacher- Pawel. He stares at me deeply and I can feel the disappointment rolling off of him in waves. This irritates me to no end. What do you want from me? I ask, but he ignores me and starts to hit again.
    We begin sparring and I'm fighting as if my life depends on it. I never notice that suddenly the gym is empty and it's just the two of us. The disappointed teacher and the confused student. I try to ask him again, what do you expect from me? But again I'm met with silence and his glare seems to intensify. His hits become sharper and heavier. I'm no longer able to block, dodge all of them anymore, let alone get a hit in myself.
    Soon my arms are throbbing, each breath comes to me painfully slow and not quick enough. How long has this been going on? When will it stop? Why are you fighting me so intensely? What did I do that caused that disappointed look in your eyes? A moment of inattention is all it takes for a solid hit to get through my feeble defense and I laying on the ground coughing my guts out. My head is spinning and I can feel my teacher towering over me, his disappointment rolling off of him in waves. I'm still confused and  try to ask why but my friend Piotrek is suddenly by my side rubbing my back and trying to get me to stand. I ignore his frantic voice and stare at my teachers back as he walks out of the gym.
    I blink and my surroundings change in that instant. The stuffy gym I was in is now replaced by a huge, open concrete room. The back that was walking away is now a chest that's barely a few feet away. "Hey, are you alright?" I look up to find my trainer from parkour starring at me with a questioning look on his face and a hint of worry hidden in his eyes. I nod, because if I don't have to talk then I don't and stand taking a step back from him. He stands as well looks me over one more time, nods and then ruffles my hair, before moving on. I flinch at the contact and he just sighs exasperated, he's used to my flinching at physical touch, but that doesn't mean he's ok with it.
    Looking I find myself in movement arena, where I train parkour. There's music playing in the background and you can here kids laughter and the sound of feet hitting the ground. The area is brimming with life and it calms me, knowing that I'm no longer back there. I was no longer fighting for something. I follow the lesson and let my worries melt away, fade into the background. Here the only thing I needed to think about was putting one foot in front of the other and not falling on my face.
    The peace doesn't last long though as I feel a presence creep up beside me, breathing down my neck. Turing I find myself facing a black haired demon like creature. The scene I was in before has faded and I'm alone with him. We just stare at each other waiting to see who will make the first move. Eventually he opens his mouth to speak, but I already know what he wants to say. I know all of his plans and I'm so tired of hearing them over and over again, never getting to decide for myself.
    So I do what comes naturally to me and run from him. I know it's in vain, but I hate confrontation and I know he means well, but that doesn't mean that what he's doing is right. I don't know where I'm running, all I know is that I'm in a forest. Looking down I notice that my once black clothes are now completely white. It makes me sick just looking at myself and first chance I get I decide to toss them or change them in some way.
    The moment that thought passes through my mind I trip straight into mud and my mind calms knowing the white clothes are now a darker color. It panics again when I realize that I keep falling. My body starts to swim in a random direction, hoping to find the surface before I run out of air. Why do I always forget I'm dreaming? After what seems like an eternity I breach the surface and take in a huge gulp of air. Scrambling to get out of the mud/ water(?). It isn't until I've gotten out of the puddle that I notice the once dark brown color has changed into a deep red. My clothes once white, then brown are now a bloody red.
    The smell reaches me a second later and my body shivers. I feel death all around me. I'm afraid to look up, scared to see what's scattered around me, but I know I have to other wise I'll be stuck here forever. The sight that meets me makes me want to empty my stomach. My eyes tear up as I see the body of my family surrounding me. The look as if they've been mauled by a bear, almost unrecognizable, but I can tell.
    My mothers red hair, my father calm eyes, my brothers small form and the pile of black fur laying not to far away, along with another orange pile of fur near it. I stand wanting to get out. And I head towards the only door wishing to leave my old home. The one that was left behind with tears, the one that hosted my childhood.
    My hand is reaching for the knob, when a shout stops me. I turn around and find my brother staring at me from the other side of an open window. My heart does a flip as I notice this is my brother of 16, not my brother of 10 who is lying on the floor dead. He beckons to me saying, "You really don't want to open that door." Before walking off. I run after him, trusting his judgement. Climbing through the window I glance at my family one last time. This is the family that left america. It truly is dead. Glancing at the door I shiver, suddenly realizing who was on the other side.

Everyone I left behind. 

    With that I slipped through the window not looking back at the broken home. I try to look for my brother, but he seems to have completely disappeared. So I walk forward, since I'm surrounded by grey and everything looks the same in the distance.
    A shade suddenly pops into existence right before me and I stop staring at it in question. The form seems achingly familiar and it gives off a glow of warmth, kindness and love. I know it's her after seeing the shade smile. "Why won't you let me help you? Why won't you get professional help? Why do you keep so many secrets from me?" She says it in her calm yet pleading voice and my heart seems to be crying, but I smile sadly at her words and give the form a hug, before whispering something in her ear.
    The shade screams at me when I let go of the hug and start walking away. It's filed with anger and hate, demanding me to come back, to not give up, to not do this. Eventually though she quiets and all I hear is a whispered "Please," spoken so softly and with such emotion that my heart breaks. I leave a piece of it behind, to one of the people I care most about in this world.
    Soon I'm walking in silence and my surroundings change once again. My brothers back suddenly comes into view and I walk up to him and sit down. We're on top of a building, both of our feet are hanging off the side and we just sit there listening to the quiet. There's a city below us, but it's silent and seems to be a mix of an american city and a polish one.
    Finally he speaks, "You're going again, aren't you." It's phrased like a question, but it sounds like a statement. I only nod continuing to stare out at the city, ignoring the breaking of my heart. Another piece going to a precious person. My brother grumbles and pulls me into a tight hug, before standing and walking away. I watch his disappearing back and smile. He's going to be amazing one day, just like she is. Too bad I won't be able to see it.
    I smile a watery kind of smile, before taking a breath and letting my body fall. At first I'm falling with my back to the ground, but I rotate so that I'm falling head first. Even though this is terrifying I feel so calm and peaceful.
    I close my eyes and ignore the pain of my heart breaking into a dozen or so pieces, all of them are different sizes and each goes to someone that touched my life in some kind of way. With that I open my eyes, but before I reach the end my body dissolves and I'm just dust that's flowing with the wind.

That which comes from the earth must return to it eventually. 

          

Bed

    When I enter my lonely flat the first thing I do is lean against the door and sigh. Finally, I was finally back in my tiny, lovely cave. My week has been hectic and because of that I've barely gotten any sleep, but it's Friday and I can finally get some proper rest. I lock my door before slipping off my shoes and making my way to the kitchen. After staring at the inside of my empty fridge for two minutes my brain informs me that I have no food. A sigh escapes me. Just thinking about leaving my home makes me want to cry.
    Instead of doing the sensible thing and ordering food I decide to just make some tea. While waiting for the kettle to boil the water I stare out the kitchen window, contemplating everything and nothing at the same time. I really just want to sleep. Glancing at the clock tells me it's only after 18, too early to sleep. Yet I'm tempted to do so anyway.
    The kettle eventually comes to life and I pour the hot water over my mint tea. I cradle the cup and try to absorb as much warmth from it as I possibly can, while observing the outside world from my third story window.
    It's a fairly calm early evening. Most people are on there way home to their families and dinners, some could be heading to work their night jobs. Everyone just walks through the area some with more purpose than others. After a while my tea cools and I make my way to my bedroom.
    My bed, my cloud, my charger is calling out to me and after less then a second of hesitation I find myself stripping my jeans off and climbing in. I tuck the covers under me as if I were in a cocoon and then bury my head under as well. In a matter of moments I feel my breath even out and I give in to my exhaustion.
    For some reason I exit the wonderful zone of sleep, but my body is still paralyzed. What could have possibly woken me? I listen to try to figure it out, before I hear my name being called. 'Bell,' my brain supplies, before adding in 'Aster' a second later. How did they get in here? I locked the door. My brain informs me that I gave both of them a key to this place, not too long ago.
     Despite them being here I refused to get out of my cocoon, contempt to go back to sleep, this unfortunately doesn't happen though for a moment later I hear the door to my room open.
    "Nast?" I hear Aster say, before he seems to shuffle out of the room. If I had been looking I would have seen his sadistic grin, that translates he's going to mess with somebody. A few seconds later two pairs of feet walk into my room.
    Then suddenly my covers which held all of my warmth and were at that moment the most wonderful thing on the entire planet were snatched away from me. One of my arms reached out to try and get it back, but after grabbing at air it flopped back down. The two males snickered at my plight, so I finally opened my eyes and glared at them.
    "Wow," Bell spoke, "that's actually a pretty impressive glare.
    "Yup," added Aster popping the p, "But Bell's is scarier." He then plopped down right on top of me. It took Bell less than a second to join in and I found myself at the bottom of a dog pile.
    "Do, you guy's want to cave my rib cage in? You are both bigger than me and heavy." I scrambled trying to get free, but both boys just situated themselves on me as if I was a comfy couch.
    "Aww, thanks Nast." Bell spoke in a sickly sweet voice, "I've been trying to get my weight back up to normal recently. I'm so glad it seems to be working." With that he pushed down on me a bit harder. I really wanted to murder the two of them in that moment.
    I struggled in vain, trying to get free, but I was at a disadvantage and eventually I gave up. Finally the boys seemed to take pity on me and changed their positions, curling themselves around me. My back was to Bells chest with his arm around me and Aster. While the other blonde tangled our legs together and tucked my head under his and had his arm around the three of us as well.
    It was strange to be curled in-between these two, we never really cuddled. We honestly weren't much of the touchy feely type relationship, but we never really could be, not in the country we lived in. I sighed in contempt and relaxed, feeling the two do the same.

Since I had such a hectic week I never got the chance to see them. I didn't realize how much I missed them till now.