When I take a breath my nose identifies the smell of the gym where I train kung fu- sweat, tears and more sweat. The air is obnoxiously humid and my lungs strain to breath. I find myself in my black sweat pants with the bands at the end and a plain black t-shirt. It seems to be the middle of a lesson and the one teaching is Tomek. This surprises me greatly as the male hasn't been a teacher in the school for a couple of years, but I'm happy to be taking part in one of his lessons again so I listen to his commands.
Jump, kick, run, punch, duck, block, run, kick, punch, block, duck. The punch that I was dodging suddenly increases in speed and feels almost malicious. I barely manage a doge and can feel the opponents knuckles scrap the side of my cheek. I glare at my partner to find it's my other teacher- Pawel. He stares at me deeply and I can feel the disappointment rolling off of him in waves. This irritates me to no end. What do you want from me? I ask, but he ignores me and starts to hit again.
We begin sparring and I'm fighting as if my life depends on it. I never notice that suddenly the gym is empty and it's just the two of us. The disappointed teacher and the confused student. I try to ask him again, what do you expect from me? But again I'm met with silence and his glare seems to intensify. His hits become sharper and heavier. I'm no longer able to block, dodge all of them anymore, let alone get a hit in myself.
Soon my arms are throbbing, each breath comes to me painfully slow and not quick enough. How long has this been going on? When will it stop? Why are you fighting me so intensely? What did I do that caused that disappointed look in your eyes? A moment of inattention is all it takes for a solid hit to get through my feeble defense and I laying on the ground coughing my guts out. My head is spinning and I can feel my teacher towering over me, his disappointment rolling off of him in waves. I'm still confused and try to ask why but my friend Piotrek is suddenly by my side rubbing my back and trying to get me to stand. I ignore his frantic voice and stare at my teachers back as he walks out of the gym.
I blink and my surroundings change in that instant. The stuffy gym I was in is now replaced by a huge, open concrete room. The back that was walking away is now a chest that's barely a few feet away. "Hey, are you alright?" I look up to find my trainer from parkour starring at me with a questioning look on his face and a hint of worry hidden in his eyes. I nod, because if I don't have to talk then I don't and stand taking a step back from him. He stands as well looks me over one more time, nods and then ruffles my hair, before moving on. I flinch at the contact and he just sighs exasperated, he's used to my flinching at physical touch, but that doesn't mean he's ok with it.
Looking I find myself in movement arena, where I train parkour. There's music playing in the background and you can here kids laughter and the sound of feet hitting the ground. The area is brimming with life and it calms me, knowing that I'm no longer back there. I was no longer fighting for something. I follow the lesson and let my worries melt away, fade into the background. Here the only thing I needed to think about was putting one foot in front of the other and not falling on my face.
The peace doesn't last long though as I feel a presence creep up beside me, breathing down my neck. Turing I find myself facing a black haired demon like creature. The scene I was in before has faded and I'm alone with him. We just stare at each other waiting to see who will make the first move. Eventually he opens his mouth to speak, but I already know what he wants to say. I know all of his plans and I'm so tired of hearing them over and over again, never getting to decide for myself.
So I do what comes naturally to me and run from him. I know it's in vain, but I hate confrontation and I know he means well, but that doesn't mean that what he's doing is right. I don't know where I'm running, all I know is that I'm in a forest. Looking down I notice that my once black clothes are now completely white. It makes me sick just looking at myself and first chance I get I decide to toss them or change them in some way.
The moment that thought passes through my mind I trip straight into mud and my mind calms knowing the white clothes are now a darker color. It panics again when I realize that I keep falling. My body starts to swim in a random direction, hoping to find the surface before I run out of air. Why do I always forget I'm dreaming? After what seems like an eternity I breach the surface and take in a huge gulp of air. Scrambling to get out of the mud/ water(?). It isn't until I've gotten out of the puddle that I notice the once dark brown color has changed into a deep red. My clothes once white, then brown are now a bloody red.
The smell reaches me a second later and my body shivers. I feel death all around me. I'm afraid to look up, scared to see what's scattered around me, but I know I have to other wise I'll be stuck here forever. The sight that meets me makes me want to empty my stomach. My eyes tear up as I see the body of my family surrounding me. The look as if they've been mauled by a bear, almost unrecognizable, but I can tell.
My mothers red hair, my father calm eyes, my brothers small form and the pile of black fur laying not to far away, along with another orange pile of fur near it. I stand wanting to get out. And I head towards the only door wishing to leave my old home. The one that was left behind with tears, the one that hosted my childhood.
My hand is reaching for the knob, when a shout stops me. I turn around and find my brother staring at me from the other side of an open window. My heart does a flip as I notice this is my brother of 16, not my brother of 10 who is lying on the floor dead. He beckons to me saying, "You really don't want to open that door." Before walking off. I run after him, trusting his judgement. Climbing through the window I glance at my family one last time. This is the family that left america. It truly is dead. Glancing at the door I shiver, suddenly realizing who was on the other side.
Everyone I left behind.
With that I slipped through the window not looking back at the broken home. I try to look for my brother, but he seems to have completely disappeared. So I walk forward, since I'm surrounded by grey and everything looks the same in the distance.
A shade suddenly pops into existence right before me and I stop staring at it in question. The form seems achingly familiar and it gives off a glow of warmth, kindness and love. I know it's her after seeing the shade smile. "Why won't you let me help you? Why won't you get professional help? Why do you keep so many secrets from me?" She says it in her calm yet pleading voice and my heart seems to be crying, but I smile sadly at her words and give the form a hug, before whispering something in her ear.
The shade screams at me when I let go of the hug and start walking away. It's filed with anger and hate, demanding me to come back, to not give up, to not do this. Eventually though she quiets and all I hear is a whispered "Please," spoken so softly and with such emotion that my heart breaks. I leave a piece of it behind, to one of the people I care most about in this world.
Soon I'm walking in silence and my surroundings change once again. My brothers back suddenly comes into view and I walk up to him and sit down. We're on top of a building, both of our feet are hanging off the side and we just sit there listening to the quiet. There's a city below us, but it's silent and seems to be a mix of an american city and a polish one.
Finally he speaks, "You're going again, aren't you." It's phrased like a question, but it sounds like a statement. I only nod continuing to stare out at the city, ignoring the breaking of my heart. Another piece going to a precious person. My brother grumbles and pulls me into a tight hug, before standing and walking away. I watch his disappearing back and smile. He's going to be amazing one day, just like she is. Too bad I won't be able to see it.
I smile a watery kind of smile, before taking a breath and letting my body fall. At first I'm falling with my back to the ground, but I rotate so that I'm falling head first. Even though this is terrifying I feel so calm and peaceful.
I close my eyes and ignore the pain of my heart breaking into a dozen or so pieces, all of them are different sizes and each goes to someone that touched my life in some kind of way. With that I open my eyes, but before I reach the end my body dissolves and I'm just dust that's flowing with the wind.
That which comes from the earth must return to it eventually.
No comments:
Post a Comment