Small, tiny

I want to write, but I'm not sure as to what I should write. I could just dribble on about my day how I woke up too early, actually did homework, had fun with my father and his friends, but why would someone want to read about that. Then again why would anyone read this to begin with? It's just a teen going on about there life's problems, that in due time will seem completely stupid. Seriously, if people have to monitor each post by reading them, then I feel sorry for the blokes. Most of the stuff on her has to be boring. Although it could be a good pick-me-uper if someones having a bad day and they read that someone else is also having a crappy day.
   My day was fine though. It was strange, because I was calm all day. Like this nice cloud of calm completely washed over me. I liked it a lot. I didn't think to much, maybe that's why the whole thinking thing tends to bring me down. I'll talk about that next time though, maybe. Now I've still got something to do, so this shall be nice and short.

Maybe, I'll see you around. 

hollow chest

   I need to write, I know I do, but what do I write about? I'm just unsure. I feel like I've hit a wall today. There's so many things I should be doing and here I am doing everything that I shouldn't be doing. I understand that sometimes the body needs to rest, but it just seems that mine gets too much rest. Maybe it's because recently I have too much on my mind. It even distracted me during training. I'm just not sure anymore, about many things really. I show off a cool, confident person. Someone who's friendly and tries to help, but in reality I don't think I'm like that.

   When I see myself I see a dark, pessimistic, unhelpful, broody, chubby, lazy, ungrateful girl. And I hate that! I just don't know how I'm suppose to look at myself. It doesn't help that I have no talent at anything really. I used to think english was my thing it helped make school easier, but recently I seem to be slipping in it and it frightens me. The same with kung fu, it's as if I'm in front of a brick wall and it's not comming down anytime soon. 

   I look around me and see that everyone is good at something, but me what good am I? I'm useless, I take up space, use up money, breath in someone elses needed air. I don't bring anything to the world or to those around me. A body is all I am and a useless one at that. I wouldn't be surprised that if I disappeared I would only be looked for, for a few weeks- out of obligation- then they'd shrug their shoulders and go on with there lives. My class would be glade to get ride of me, that's for sure. 

   I just feel empty, yes empty. I don't think I realized it until I wrote it down. Why do I feel this way? It wasn't as pronounced yesterday, but today, why is it different? Even my music isn't able to block it out and that tends to block out everything. 

   Could it be because of what happened in english? It was nothing big, but Davids knee rested against mine for a while. I stiffened at first, but slowly relaxed. Then I felt the heat. He was warm, I never thought other bodies could be so warm, because mine tends to be a few degrees cooler then is normal. Only our knees  were touching, but I enjoyed it. Strange, aren't I?

   Maybe it's because My father and I don't really hug much. He might put his chin on my head when he's watching me on the computer or I'll do the same with him, but that's it. There's not much contact when it comes down to hugs, although we talk more often, but I think that's so we don't go insane in this empty, soulless house.

   I decorated my room today, to make it seem more happy. I don't feel any happier, but maybe my dad will be fooled. I guess it's to make me seem normal to others or something.I'm not really sure as to why I did it. 

   I've noticed I keep looking towards the weekend, as if it will save me from my troubles. All of my problems will be solved thanks to it, but that's not true. Maybe it's because I get to sleep longer. Sometimes I wish I'd fall asleep and never wake up. My father probably wouldn't notice until he got back from work and by then my body would be cold. I've also thought of just leaving, going away and never coming back. Then after some time I'd probably end it, enter Dante's hell and be eaten by the harpies. I hope I'm a tree. Although as punishment, I'd probably end up being a bush.

   I'm just tired, but it's not from lack of sleep. It's a strange type of tiredness that comes from life. Everyday it's harder and harder to get up, to go to school, to move on to walk forward. Slowly I drain away. Maybe it's my emotions and by then I'll be so used to the hollowness in my chest I won't notice it anymore.

 My biggest and worst characteristic is that I get too attached. So I have to try to slowly drift away.   

 My biggest regret is that I'll probably never know what the feeling love is like.

 My biggest fear is that people will notice that I'm pushing them away and they won't care. 

 My highest hope is that someone will see behind my facade, someone who cares enough to try to break it.

 My last wish is to find someone who loves me and I love them equally in return. 

   Although in this world there's no such thing as love. So many people get divorced or separated. They don't try to talk things through, they just stop talking altogether. Then those memories they held dear to them are now useless and only cause pain or anger. Everything they went through with that one person is now viewed as foolish or not thought of at all. They cast it all aside and look on for something new. Some separate after being together for a few months some years others decades, why? 

   Love is a virtue that is cast aside in this day an age and it scares me, because I don't want to be hurt, but I want to try to find what love is. That's the thing though every time I've confessed they ran away and called me names. It hurt and I don't want to hurt anymore than I do now. I want someone to see me, but I want to run and hide. I to be remembered, but also forgotten. I'm full of contradictions and it doesn't help my thoughts at all. Since all the questions floating in my head are always going to be unanswered. Slowly they'll pile up, until the day comes where there won't be room for more and I'll stop. That will be the day I lose my sanity or my life.  

See you around, or maybe not.

.............. I just...don't....know....

   Again I forget to write and again my mind is a mess of thoughts and emotions. I'm so out of it that I'm not sure where I should start. 

   I've notice that I'm thinking more and more in my second language and that frightens me. I'm worried that, because of this my first language will become worse. At the same time though I'm really happy that I'm slowly getting better at it. I noticed that the two languages seem to kind of define me, in a way. My first is part of a carefree, happy , young life. A time were I was very naive about the world and it's happenings.My second language was used more often when I moved at first it was tough and difficult, although it's gotten better, but it kind of shows an evolution or change in me.

   When I returned people who haven't seen me in years said I was exactly the same. It kind of hurt, because I felt different. I knew I was different, but almost none noticed. Was it because I've gotten better at hiding my emotions or acting or are some people just that blind? I'm unsure as to many things now.

   Training's have been different as well for me. It just seems like I'm doing everything wrong, but no ones correcting me so I'm not sure if it's just me or am I actually doing it right. Then the one time I'm sure I'm doing it right, my teacher says it's wrong. How is it possible for someone to be so wrong about them selves? No matter how hard I try I just can't seem to do much of anything right. 

   I call myself a pessimist, but maybe that's not the right word for me. It doesn't help that I've spoken way to much recently and I hate it. I'm not used to talking so much and I'd prefer not to, but we can't always have our way. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to talk less, just stay silent mute. That'd be nice. Put in my headphones and just listen to the world around me, while everyone else thinks I'm listening to music, when really I'm listening to them. 

   It's not much, but maybe It'll allow me to sleep. 

Maybe, I'll see you around.

   I just want to write today, but nothing deep at least I don't think it'll be deep. Who knows where my brain will take my fingers. First some info. At school we have three hours of gym a week, meaning one day we have two hours of dry gym and an hour of wet gym. We are lucky enough to have a pool at our school, but many of the kids don't see how great it is.
   Just this year the principal decided that kids will have the choice of wet or dry gym that one other hour that was originally only wet. They did this, because a lot of kids would play truant during that hour or get a pass from the pool, so they wouldn't have to swim. Now this didn't bother me as long as I got to swim. Now along with this choice two teachers were suppose to watch over the class, but one of my classes teachers is on leave for who knows how long. That meant we were left over with one teacher so we always had dry lessons, that is until today.
   Today we got a second teacher so we had the choice of wet or dry gym. Well I can tell you this, I was the first one at the pool and asking to get in. I think the teachers were surprised by my enthusiasm, but what can I say I like swimming. I think I'll be one of the only girls that swims in my class, because I know most of them don't like the fact that they only have ten minutes to change and get to class.
   Anyway, most of the class had a dry lesson and when I say most I mean 92% of the class. That left me and a boy called Chris. Now I'm not sure if he likes swimming or he just doesn't mind it since he came somewhat regularly last year, but I enjoyed myself. I swam till I was exhausted, because the teacher noticed we were good swimmers so made us swam till we dropped. It was nice.
   Chris happens to be one of the few people who I'm comfortable around at the pool, which is strange because we're not friends, just classmates. Maybe it's because he reminds me of my brother. At least they have similar personalities when in public, I'm not positive about there private personas. Then again I think my brother might be one of few kids who has a outdoor and indoor persona. Though who knows I could be wrong.
   It was fun swimming. Pushing myself to my limits and just giving it my all with no worries of those around me. The best part is you don't sweat, well maybe you do, but it's hard to notice when you're already completely wet. I'm excited to go swimming next week and curious as to who will join me next.

See you again, maybe?

Father

   This weekend I've noticed something different, about the way I spend my free time. I've spent a lot of time with my father recently, but it's not like we go out or do stuff together much, quite the contrary, my father goes out almost every friday, if not friday then saturday. While I tend to stay home, occasionally going out with friends. Technically it should be the opposite, but I'm not focusing on that at the moment.
   No, recently we've been spending more time together, doing simple things- talking, debating, watching tv, complaining. Simple things that may not mean much, but we seem to be closer then we were before. I think it's because subconsciously we're holding on to what family we have left near us. Afraid we're going to lose each other next. Although, if I'm asked this I'd probably deny it and it's natural for a father to want to spend time with his kid.
   He used to always try to get my brother and I out- for a walk, to the beach, a restaurant, the city, anything. Now we sit on our couches and watch a show or the news while eating breakfast, talk about or days and any topic that comes to mind. I can say it's been a long time since I felt content. This weekend that's what I feel. I didn't do anything amazing or exciting or thrilling, but I had a good weekend. It's been a long time since I've felt this way. I like it.
   He's a strange man. He want's to see the world before it's too late. He's not a fan of work, but has two jobs. Name a movie and he's probably seen it at least three times. If it's cold he'll be sure to get sick twice or more. His appearance makes everyone think he's younger then he really is, but he's still terrified of getting old, even if he doesn't say it out loud. He loves ginger tea with honey, but not too sweet. His eyes show a man that has worked to get to where he is. He's made plenty of mistakes, but they all lead him to america. Where there he made more until he married, had children, returned, then saw his family split in two.
   We had a talk not to long about about how his life could have looked like if he'd never gone to america. He'd have probably started his own business like his friends. Make a decent amount of money, be married to a different women then he is now, and have different kids then he does now. His english wouldn't be as good and he wouldn't know how to drive without hands. He also wouldn't be doing what he does today and I think that out-weights all the other reasons. I find that what he does is amazing and really interesting. It's not often you can see someone do what he does.
   My father is a man with many flaws- he's lazy, stubborn, angers easily, has little patience, drinks too much with his friends, can be vengeful, hateful and mean, but there's more to him then just his flaws. Underneath that you find a man who loves with his whole heart, when you earn his trust you have it till the end, he's truthful, helpful, caring and understanding. There's more that I don't even know about, because I'm just getting to know him- my own father- who I've lived with for so many years and would never have known so much about him, until the split.
   My father told me something his close friend said to him, his friend said he was jealous of how well we get along, because his daughter is older then me, but they have more troubling talking with each other. Maybe they have trouble being open with each other, although I don't tell my father everything. He doesn't know about this for example, but everyone has their secrets. Anyway my dad was surprised when he learned of this, hell even I was when I heard it, because before I thought it was normal for kids to get to know their parent(s). To spend time with them and all that, but no it's not. My father asked around his other friends and it turned out it was just us. This strange friend-father-daughter relationship we have is unique.
   It's strange I thought my father and I would drift after I came back, but we seemed to get closer together. My father, thankful to have at least one kid back, and me, well I'm just glade to be back. I may be a bit more rough around the edges then when I left, a few chipped pieces her and there, but I'm still somewhat whole, kinda. Maybe that's why we get along better, because we're all we have left.

Maybe, I'll see you around.  

       

Who am I....?

   I can't understand myself, my thoughts, my actions, my words. But that doesn't make sense, how can one person not understand themselves? I mean it's you- your personality, your traits, your character, your actions, your words. So how is it that you can't understand yourself? Correction, how is it that I can't understand who I am. I look at myself and see a girl, a child almost, filled with contrasts.
She's shy, but can speak out against authority.
She's book smart, but only has a C average in school.
She's lazy, but loves to train Kung-fu.
She's terrible at sports, yet athletic.
   The list goes on more negatives then positives, but that's just another trait of mine. Though this can't only be my problem, can it? I have this tendency to go over things I've said or things I've done. I can't help, but think I should have done this, or why did I do this? I seem to constantly berate myself. It just frustrates me! I can't understand my own thought process or my 350 degree personality changes. At the same time when I look back at the day I worry about being mean to my friends or those around me. I'm just so confused and my thoughts are everywhere!
   I seem to be this constant jumble of thoughts, worries, opinions, frustrations, moods. It's like I'm everywhere and nowhere at the same time, slowly driving my self to insanity trying to comprehend, what is going through my brain. Her is a perfectly normal, plain looking girl, but is that really there? That's the question, what do you really see? When I think of how I look like and when I look in the mirror I see to different images and because of this I don't look in mirrors more then necessary.
   It's just I haven't gotten through the week yet and it seems like I'm waiting for something to happen, but am unsure as to what the something is. Monday I was constantly shaking, not visibly, but I could feel it in my bones and it affected my writing style. Tuesday I was anxious. I couldn't sit still constantly moving either tapping my fit or wringing my hands. Hell during my long break I took a power walk around the park without a jacket when it was cold outside. People looked at me funny, but I didn't care, I just needed to move run, get rid of energy as quickly as possible. Today my mind feels like it's playing with me. It's like it's saying something, telling me something, but I just can't hear it. Constantly nagging me keeping me frustrated and moody.
   I could just pass this all off for hormones, but is that what they really are. Is what I'm really going through really just part of the crazy hormones teenagers go through? How, when I'm pretty much done growing and on the edge of adulthood? It's mostly in my consciousnesses, this waiting, because that's what it is- waiting. I'm waiting for the bomb to explode, so I can run like hell before the damage becomes to much.
   That's just another thing I've noticed, I'm constantly running. I run from my past, my family, my friends, myself, my problems and anything that I find frightening. When I leave school without my friends it's so fast it can practically be called running. Although I don't run from things physically, more like avoid them or jump around the subject matter. I'm getting better at it too, which probably isn't a good thing. Avoiding certain subjects, not being alone with certain people. I seem open to people, but I hold on to my deepest secrets like a life line.
   I seem to have trouble coping. I just want to disappear, be in the background, but I'm still noticed! Why is that? There's nothing special about me, yet people take notice of me. I wish they wouldn't. They expect things from me and I know I won't deliver. Pressure, I'm feeling pressure. I just realized this, huh. I'm feeling pressured from.... many people it seems. It's about tons of different subject matter too, so it's kinda like I'm slowly being squashed. I'm not sure what I should do about this, maybe it'll get better. Although those are fool's thoughts. It'll get worse, before it get's better, of that I'm positive. I wonder if I'll explode?

Maybe, I'll see you around...