Confusion

   I have finally and unfortunately reached the age of my first 'official' crush. Why do I say official, because when I was younger I had three other crushes, but I was so little I don't think they can be called that. Now just to continue with the trend I'll introduce you to my past 'crushes.'
   My first ever love interest was a close friend of mine- Greg. We played together a lot, because our dads worked for the same company. It helped that we went to the same school both spoke the same two languages and were the same age. We would always play house in his back yard. It was a big grassy field and there were lots of yellow and white wildflowers. We used to pick them together and give them to our moms, it was cute. One day though, I'm not sure what came over me, I told him I liked him more then a friend. We were out back picking flowers when I said this and I can still remember the look of horror and disgust on his face. He yelled something at me, probably ew, gross or similar in meaning, then ran into his house. I was devastated and from that moment on I fled from him like the plague. I closed in on myself a bit and I guess this is what caused me to be a bit more reserved and shy. We never really talked after that, even when we got older. I feel bad and angry at myself. How could I have ruined such a good friendship! Me and my stupid feelings!
   The next one happened a year later. The circumstances were pretty much the same, except the boys name was Micheal. Although we 'dated' for two years or so. Why do I have dated in quotations, because this all happened in elementary school. That time where kids are care free and childish. Anyway Micheal and I ended up getting into a fight at the end of fifth grade and broke it off. After a week or so passed I remember being angry at myself again. I ruined a great friendship, because of my stupid feelings.
   If I was able to get close to one of the two again, I'd like to see how Micheal's doing. I remember he was great at this one video game that he, my brother and I would play when he came over. He did a great Mario impression too. I wonder if he still wants to be part of the FBI?
   My final crush was quick to come and leave, because the guy was ten years older then me. It was my dads friend, who was single and really nice. I saw him often and maybe that's why I developed a crush on him, I think he knew too and that's why he teased me so much. My friend would always laugh at my blush, because I would be as red as a tomato when he talked to me sometimes. Then he moved and it passed. I saw him just three months ago, purely by accident. We met at the airport, he was there to pick up his sister, so we talked while we wanted for my mother. It's safe to say it was a childish crush, completely gone now. I felt nothing towards him, just a tinge of happiness for seeing an old acquaintance again after so long.    
   Now I have a new problem that's getting difficult to ignore. I've been aware of it ever since last year, although it has steadily been growing and becoming more annoying. It just frustrates me so much! The boys name is David and I find him to be cutie yet handsome in his own way. He's a bit nerdy, because he's into video games- League of Legends, but I have nothing against that. I tried the game myself to see what the fuss was about and I can understand it.
   Davids a bit taller then me, probably 4 or so centimeters taller. He's got dark brown eyes a bit of a mustache and has really bushy brownish-black hair. It's like a helmet cut hairstyle, except it's longer and blocks his upper face sometimes. He's got a normal build, not over-weight, but not super athletic either. He doesn't really seem to be into sports. I know he seems to hate swimming or at least finds it a big pain in the ass. We have swimming lessons at school and he would always complain or make these funny remarks.
   He should wear glasses, but he doesn't. He says he wears them at home and after I tried picturing him in them, it's probably a good thing he doesn't wear them to school. I'm pretty sure my face would be as bright as a ruby. His over all personality is really cool too. He knows how to be sarcastic, but isn't rude or mean with it. I didn't find out until this year that he's actually really funny. During english class whenever we do speaking in pairs we always end up laughing. I find that I look forward to english classes these days, which is something new for me. He can also be kind, but only when he thinks someone needs his help, or is his friend. He's got interesting points in his character as well, for one he can be lazy, but everyone is. He's just not afraid to say I wasn't going to waste my time with such an assignment. There's also the fact that he doesn't seem to care if someone has more authority or not. He tends not to care what the teachers think as long as it doesn't make his life more difficult.
    At least that's what I think he's like, I don't know him all too well, although I'm slowly getting there. I sit with him in english class now and it's a lot more fun. I'm really glad I changed my seat. I originally did it, just so I could start talking with the guys I used to sit with last year. They're an all around interesting group, but I'll talk about them again later. I thought I got over my crush during the summer, but now I'm not so sure. I find that I tend to occasionally glance in his direction or just watch him for a few minutes a day. No, I am not being a stalker, I'm just checking to see if he's healthy or looks ok. I may have a crush on him, but he's a friend and I take care of my friends. These past few weeks my feelings have slowly blossomed and it can be pure torture!  I saw his sleeping/ dozing face during history thursday and I almost melted. He looked so innocent and I just wanted to ruffle his hair so badly. God, I'm a freak.
   It doesn't help, that I think he's slowly becoming aware of my crush which spells bad for me. Why? Two reasons, he'll play with me and break my heart (which I don't think he'll do) or I'll lose my friendship with him and the others. I really don't want that. Schools just a bit more tolerable with him and my slowly growing group of friends. I really hope I'm able to control these feelings, I don't want to scare him off. I hate this, me, my feelings. The fact that I sound like some love-sick puppy doesn't make me feel any better. Sigh, thank whoever came up with the internet, cause if not I think I'd have a break down with all of my thoughts running rampant in my mind.

Sigh, maybe I'll see you around?     

    

I wonder if my feelings will turn into something more........

Chaotic thoughts

It's been over a week since I've written here, at least I think so, and I have to say my thoughts are a mess. It's so bad that I can't even sleep, so here I am typing away at 11:39 in the evening pouring my heart and brain out so that I can finally organize my thoughts. I wanted to wait until tomorrow to write, but I just couldn't. It seems writing is a wonderful stress reliever for me and the best one, since I drew a few pictures today, but that only seemed to take off the edge. I could have played the piano, but my father was home and I hate playing when he's here. I'm strangely self conscious or some type of bullshit like that.
   Now my thoughts are everywhere, so this isn't going to make much sense, but I just need to get it off my shoulders. Firstly I train Kung-Fu and have been training it for about three years. I see myself as a beginner or a high white belt and because of this I attend both the advance class and beginners class. Now I'm quite happy with this, building my muscles and perfecting my techniques in the beginners class, while learning new things in the advance class, but I have an opportunity. My friend just started to learn parkour and has invited me to join him in his class. At first I was excited and readily agreed to attend, but my enthusiasm was squashed when I was told that classes are on thursdays ans tuesdays for 7:30 till 9:00. The first thing that clicked in my brain was kungfu practice. This happens to be the time for beginners classes and it wouldn't be such a loss- theoretically, but after a bit of time had passed me wanting to take up parkour along with kungfu, it made me feel wrong. As if I was disgracing or betraying kungfu. How is that possible? But I feel guilty wanting to try something new, even though I can honestly say I'm very close to loving kungfu more then a hobby or sport. So I decided I would go for one parkour class and see how it is. Just one and decide if I would enjoy this more then two training's. And although I've made my decision and I want to stick with it, but I feel terrible, even though I know what I'm doing isn't wrong. It's strange feeling guilt, because of a sport.
   The next thing laying in my mind and chewing at my sanity is my parents and brother. I always seem to have family problems these days. My father wants to start planing for vacation early so he can buy tickets cheap, but he needs to know if my mother will allow my brother to come. He needs to know, so that he doesn't waste money on an extra ticket. So he asked me to write an email and that's what I did. I got a reply fairly quickly saying my mother was fine with my brother visiting, but she wanted to be speak with my father first. This is where it backfired. My father doesn't want to speak to my mother yet. It's too soon for him. There separation is to fresh in his mind and he can't handle talking to her. I can understand him, maybe not completely, but at least partially. So now the question is, will my brother end up coming? Who knows, it could go either way, since sometimes I think the mother who gave birth to me is bipolar. I haven't written to her yet, but I probably will tomorrow. I can picture her reply in my head 'Well it seems your father is still a child if he can't get over our separation after 7 months.' Or some other such non-sense. She can be so inconsiderate at times. It makes me wonder how I turned out the way I did. I can be so different from my parents it's frightening, but I do have small traits from both of them. Although my father still always jokes and says they switched me at the hospital.
   Now on to my final problem for today, maybe. Do you know it is much harder to be left behind then to leave someone behind. I know you can disagree and say it's equally painful for booth parties, or that it's harder to leave someone behind, but here's my opinion.
   In the past year I've had to say goodbye more times then I wished to- my grandmother, my mother, my brother, a dear friend, my best friend and my closest blood relatives. One of the goodbyes was permanent and another name will be added to that list in a weeks time, my tutor. All of these people listed have left either physically or spiritually. It hurt each time some more then others, but each time it was till painful to leave, to turn around and walk away, unaware of the next time you'll see each other again. Maybe that's why I refrain from saying 'goodbye' and instead stick with a 'see you later', or 'till next time.'
   The most prominent thing in my head is when my best friend and I said 'goodbye' well it was more like a farewell, since I don't think either of us spoke the cursed word. I remember hugging her tightly and breathing in her scent just trying to burn the memory into my brain. We spoke a few whispered word that I'm unsure of at the moment, maybe she said 'I'll see you next summer' and if she did then I probably replied 'maybe.' We hadn't seen each other in three years, but she welcomed me back as if I had never left. I almost teared up, but I stayed strong. She commented on my emotional control, but she like many others are unaware, that behind closed doors I break down. I wonder how many years will past till I see her next? She starts college after this year, so she'll be busy starting her life. Who knows when I'll see her next....
   Another 'goodbye' that stuck in my brain was mine and my brothers. His voice is what I remember the most, our hug brief, but tight. We were at the airport I had said goodbye earlier to my mother and grandmother and he was last. My mother asked why I was so cold during out goodbye, but even I'm unaware or the answer to that. Maybe it was the setting or me trying to put on a brave face form my sibling. It could have been anything, but my face was kept neutral and dry of tears.
   When my brother and I hugged it felt specially since we rarely ever did such a thing. This one was sad though and when I was about to turn around and leave I remember the desperation in his voice to kick him, punch him anything for that ounce of normality back in his life, but I just tousled his bushy brown hair and said 'see ya later kid.' Waved one last time to my family then never looked back. That was the hardest part, not looking back and I regret it immensely, so now every time I separate with someone when walking with them I always look back. I'm not sure why, maybe it's to know that they can go on without me. To be sure that the world will continue to spin.
   The most recent thing I'm facing though is my tutor. She's been teaching me for three years now and I always thought she would be here, until I write my final exams and be one of the first that I text or call telling them I passed, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I was told on our first lesson that she'll be moving in a months time or so and that I would have to find a new teacher. My brothers goodbye was still fresh in my mind and I couldn't hold back the tears for this one. So soon, I thought, why so soon? It was so sudden and I never expected it. She tried cheering me up, by saying we would still write emails to each other and we could meet when she's in town, but it's not the same. I know, because it's the same contact I've had with my best friend, mother and brother.
   We're on our last few lessons now and it's difficult to do homework thinking in a few weeks time I'll get homework from somebody else, because I need these lessons I can't go without them. I can't help, but feel bitter with my self. I hate how I get so attached to things, even though I know they will leave. Everyone always leaves or you do the leaving, that's life, but it still hurts every time. I can't help but think it hurts more to be left behind, maybe it's because it was so sudden and unexpected and that's why it hurts, but either way it makes my heart ache.
   I hate it, emotions. They cause me so much pain, but I can't seem to lock them away no matter how hard I try! Why is that?! Can't I get a blissful feeling of numbness? I used to get them often when my parents were fighting and I didn't appreciate them then that's why I picked up the knife, but now I'm close to picking it up again just to get rid of the suffocating loneliness, emptiness. Just being here hurts. This huge empty house hurts. Every time I look at the door across from mine it hurts! Memories are a terribly painful thing and I wish dearly to lock them away. I think I need to start meditation again, although I've been meaning to do so for the past two weeks. Now I have more of a reason, besides to learn how to control my emotions.

Maybe I'll see you around...  

Emotions

   I'm a bit confused. Recently my mood has been great, wonderful almost. It's strange I haven't felt like this in over three or fours years. I don't understand why. Although it's not like I'm constantly happy or something, no I'm content. Which is strange I haven't been content in god knows how long. I should be happy about this, but I can't, because I don't understand why.
   I can't help, but feel like I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop. Monday was great, fun even which is strange for me cause it was a monday and I had school. I don't like school, in fact my dad rarely asks how was school since I always give the same answer- boring. Now I'm constantly waiting for the shoe to drop. Something terrible is going to happen and someone or something is apologizing in advance. Which is never a good sign. I just have so many questions! Today didn't help much either.
   I was finishing gym when my gym teacher calls out to me then says a few sentences, I can't remember what at the moment, then tells me I have a mystic face or something similar. After that interaction I'm trying to understand what the hell he meant by that. I have a mystic face, what in Tom's name is that suppose to mean?
   So during my break I took it apart. You see, I am not a fan of gym. I'm pretty sure I'm on the verge of hating it, but I'm not sure. Because of this I tend to not be in the best mood during that period, so my expression is neutral, bored or the occasional amused one when my classmates do something silly.
    Is that what he meant? Could he be talking about my faces, or is he talking about the control on my emotions. I'm not really sure and I have close to no clue. I mean it's not like I'm bringing the class done because I'm not athletic, I'm fairly average in that department, so it can't be that. He know's I train outside of school, so maybe he finds it funny that I'm terrible at team related sports? It's not my fault I can't act like myself during gym.
   I'm shy, but can put up a brave front when needed. Although if people look closely at my hands they would notice their shaking or trembling. I have bad social skills alright sir? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I'm just different from most of the girls he has to teach, because when it comes to gym girls tend to fall into two categories- the ones who like sports and the ones that don't. I'm kinda in the middle, because I like sports I wouldn't train otherwise, but I don't like team sports.
   I just don't understand my teacher. Did he say that to cause me trouble, to irritate me. Is it a hint that he wishes for me to change my behavior in his class, be more enthusiastic or something. Or maybe, just maybe it was an actual compliment and I should stop looking into it. It could be anyone of those things and at this time I wish I had a better memory of the conversation, but I don't. So I shall stop analyzing it here and move on with my life. Maybe I'll keep it in the back of my mind and watch out for my teacher from now. I could be irritating him with my attitude, but it's not like I cause him trouble. I'm on time to class, I attend regularly and don't complain.
   This is just causing me a headache. I think I'm done, so I'm not going to look into it anymore, but still the question remains- why?

Maybe I'll see you around.      

Prologue

   The evenings light reflected off her glasses as she stared up into the empty night sky. That's right, empty. Earth has changed so drastically lately that even the stars have hidden themselves from us, so that all that we see when we look up is a black empty void. Nothing to light up our night. Only the strongest telescopes can find those rare jewels up in the sky and even then they're just a small glimmer, nothing more.
   Most kids nowadays don't even know we used to have stars, since adults decided it's useless information.  Although nowadays kids have knowledge of different things, nothing of what you know now. They don't know what school is, a library, they're unaware of the term book and instead call them capsules. For books now only store information needed to live and work, nothing more. Many humans have lost human traits and because of this humanity is not the same. If you compare the world of 2013 and the world of 2053 you will see they are nothing alike.
   How's the world so strange you wonder? It's because of a scientist, when is it not, who invented a machine that rid humans of their bad characteristics. It was meant to help the world, to stop wars and encourage peace, but it got out of control. This scientist lost his mind and was manipulated by the world leaders. They saw it fit that everyone would undergo a personality fix. After all people were the ones who started wars. It was the peoples fault, while the government tried to clean up there mess.
   A bunch of bullshit if you ask me, but laws were passed and many underwent the change. Until soon everyone was numb, because that's what the machine did. It removed all negative emotion, programmed proper etiquette into people. Making everyone polite, but cold. Because of this the happy emotions were dulled out and everyone became dull, boring numb. And it seemed to be peaceful, but over time the government noticed the population was dwindling slowly,but surely. People didn't feel lust or love, so they didn't marry or have children. Worried they set up marriages. 60% of the population was given a husband or wife and told it was there duty to have at least one child. And that's what the people did. Just as they were told, like dogs.
   With the crises averted the higher power relaxed. The children born from the changed people had the same personalities as their parents. They were numb, cold. So the personality changing machines slowly gathered dust since they were no longer needed. While the higher power ruled for 20 years they soon found it unnecessary. Since problems were few and far in-between. The world council set solid iron rules for the world that everyone was to fallow, including:
-There shall be no violence. If so the human will be put to death.
-Negative emotions are unnecessary and only hinder you.
-Everyone who is given a husband/wife must have at least one child.
-All weapons are Illegal.        
-Anything from before the year 2022 is forbidden.
These five basic rules dictated the lives of the citizens of Gaia, because that is what they were now. All country borders were abolished and a single languages was decided upon, while all others were discarded. English was chosen as Gaia's language, since it was the most known language at the time and the term Gaia from greek mythology, although this information was lost over time due to the great purge.
   The great purge you ask. It was decided  in the year 2022 that the world was to be reformed. The government decided to change the planet start over from scratch, so they cleaned everything that was found unnecessary. The internet was cleaned everything that you know of now would be gone- youtube, reddit, facebook, twitter, blogger, google. Everything was taken down and new helpful things were put in it's place. This was done quickly and efficiently, the whole process only took about ten years.
   So that's a bare boned outline of what happened to the world- it became numb, grey, cold, lifeless. On the whole planet there were only two people who had there own personalities, there minds. These two creatures, for they could not be called humans, have been on Gaia for over 300 years.
 

Five Senses

It smells like fresh cut grass, pinewood and shampoo

It tastes like fresh buttery popcorn and fruity skittles

It feels like soft cotton, being tightly clutched in a final embrace

It looks like a clear night sky with a few stray stars trying to brighten the lonely evening

It sounds like a wavering, unspoken promise, as their final goodbyes are said 

    It hurts more to hear the word "Goodbye" then to speak it, because the one leaving has something to keep their mind occupied. It helps keep their thoughts focused on everything, but that final exchange. While the one hearing those words can try their hardest to close their minds, but it will still echo. After a while both of them are tormented by these echos. The scene plays over in their heads and they start to second guess themselves. Did I make the right choice? Should I have stayed? When will I see them again? These questions appear and we're powerless to stop them. 

   Although this isn't for everyone, only for close friends or people you've grown attached to. Sometimes you get so used to seeing someone that it becomes impossible to think of a time without them and then suddenly, just like that those words are whispered and they're gone. Just like the wind and you didn't even realize how much they mean to you until you stop seeing them. When they start to be to far away, out of your reach. 

   I think saying goodbye is one of the most painful things there are. Flesh wounds can be healed quickly over time and then they disappear with only the occasional scar in it's place. This isn't like a flesh wound though, because they tend not to hurt until after sometime has passed and when it  does hurt- it can be indescribable. You suddenly hit this wall and you realize you miss them and wish they were hear with you. 

   This isn't like love where you end up being heartbroken crying about the unfairness or life and then being angry at your ex- no this can be worse. How? It's because you end up questioning yourself. Did I make the right choice? Why was I so stubborn? Maybe if I thought it over it'd have ended differently. These thoughts plague you and will force you to think no matter how long you run from it- you eventually stop running.

   Once you start to go over your actions you can become bitter or angry either at yourself, a second party or the world. It varies, but most end up being angry at themselves, after all it was their choice. Unless someone forced you to leave then it was your choice. 

   I could have stayed, but it just felt so wrong. I hated it their, I was miserable. The grey walls, empty house with only the cicadas to keep me company. I felt so out of place in this huge continent. I just wanted to return to everything that I knew, maybe that's why I left. I was tired of starting over. In the past three years I've gone through three different classes, each time meeting new people. Each time trying to fit in and trying to make friends, but I have enough. The final class I got to know, I didn't try to make friends, not at all. I remained aloof. It seemed I was unapproachable, because I didn't really start getting to know anyone until five months into the school year. Even then it was only a single girl who was trying desperately to fit in, but gave up after months of trying. She realized the friends she was pursuing weren't to her taste and tried to get to know me. 

   I'm not sure what it is she saw in me, but she walked up to me and started a small conversation. She started sitting next to me in class and eating lunch with me. We slowly got used to each other and our friendship blossomed. 

   It's how our friendship started and I'm curious as to how it will end. I wish at times she would realize I'm an awful person and would just leave me, but then I get a painful feeling in my chest and want to just hug her close. It's strange she seems to tell me almost everything and yet I still keep her at arms length. Maybe I don't want it to hurt as bad. I've got a few years till I get to see where that goodbye goes. I'm curious if I won't just disappear. Maybe it'll be easier to just fade out of the picture. Who knows. 

Maybe I'll see you around.  

Just stumbling by

   I just got through my first week of school and I have to say it feels like a month has already passed since I arrived here. Time has been moving slowly, yet quickly. My mind is occupied and I try to focus on my school work, but I still find myself drifting. My thoughts going off on their own into territory I would rather not venture into. Although I started training on Tuesday and have been in constant pain ever since. My stiff muscles getting used to physical exercise again after two months of laziness. I'm not sure how long that will last though, because after a few weeks my muscles get used to the heavy exercise and they stop being so stiff. Though now the pain helps ground me and reminds me that I'm still breathing. 

   I've noticed that certain songs I listened to a while ago have changed their meanings for me. Most of the time I would think of my dear friend left behind and I would be saddened by this, but that was it. Now though certain songs seem to break me, remind me that I left him behind, I abandoned him of my own free will. It's my fault that in a few months time we'll become strangers to each other and nothing more. It hurts when these thoughts come up and at first I would have to fight back tears, but now, now I just feel numb, empty. It doesn't matter anymore, in a way it's probably better that way. Get on with your life. You were going to disappear anyway you just started a bit earlier. I'm drifting from my parents. For Pete's sake I call them mother and father! I've never done that before! I don't even say 'I love you' when I finish talking with my parents. It's just see you later, done. 

   I've become bitter I guess. I could blame it on my mother saying it's her fault that our family has been torn to pieces, all because she left and then kept my brother there. There's also my father to blame, why did you make us all move? Couldn't you have left us there or found a job there? But that just doesn't feel right at all. I can't blame them, because I know in their own screwed up way they wanted what was best for us. They wanted my brother and I to have a happy childhood, but that didn't really work. 

   For the past 3 years I have slowly lost my innocents, my naivety and childishness. I'm not the same I was before, putting up masks easily, avoiding human contact and companionship. I know I'll lose them all one day, so why not keep them at arms length? It'll hurt less then won't it? It seems I grow more and more irritated of my class each day finding them boring, annoying, childish. I still get along better with adults then kids my age which is strange, but I've gotten used to it. 

   This summer I learned from a smart man that it is better to be underestimated. It may seem annoying, but it will give you an edge over others. At first I didn't believe him, but after talking for hours on end I was slowly convinced and realized he was indeed correct. After all what better way to defeat your so called enemies then by surprising them? I learned the basics of the mask from him and he helped ground me during the summer when I was lost, frustrated, angry and confused. This was unfortunately short lived, because the man I had come to respect and was slowly starting to care for passed away the last day of July. When I received the email from his wife I cried, harder then I ever had in a long while. Though the tears were silent and lasted no longer then ten minutes I still found it painful to think of the man. I saved all his emails that we wrote to each other, but I can't bring myself to read them again. It's too soon for me and I've cried enough this summer. 

   It's funny my mother thinks I'm cold, yet I've cried more in the past two months then I have in the past ten years. I'm sick of tears now, the annoying buggers, so I'm going to stick to my colorful language and anger instead, until I can slowly real it all in and be left with nothing. I wonder how long it would take to master my emotions. Only time will tell it seems. 

   Even if this week has been crappy and annoying I think I found the way I wish to die- aconite or monkshood. I happened upon the information of the plant by accident and was quickly absorbed in what I had found. It was as if I had struck a goldmine. It was perfect. Although difficult to find, monkshood gives a 100% chance of death if eaten and kills within the hour. It's painful, but I think I deserve it for terrible way of life. The best part though is that after death the human looks like they have died of sophistication, a natural cause of death. Meaning my family would never know of my thoughts. Unless by some miracle they happened upon this blog or found my journals. I'd have to say this was probably the highlight of my week, which in a way is depressing, but I'm already suffering through that, so I guess it doesn't really matter. 

Guess, I'll see you around.         

Life's confessions

   I miss him.

   I confess! I miss him! My dorky, silly, childish, annoying, naive brother. I haven't seen him for a week and I'm ready to through a temper tantrum, break something or snap one of the chits necks in my class. Anything to make me stop feeling this empty. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it... It's worse then when my mother left. It's worse then when I moved from my friend. It's worse then when I didn't cry when leaving them and my mother called me cold. Why? That's a stupid question, for I know why. 

   He was always there, always. Whenever my brother and I went somewhere we would go together. If we were separated it wasn't for any longer then a week. He was a constant in my life and now I've just thrown it away. That small weight in my chest is constricting and I'm not sure how long I last before I snap. 

   I'm afraid of what will happen when that does. I know I've changed. I'm darker, jaded and a bit more sadistic. Is this because of what I went through or is it my true character showing through. Who knows. It's said that a humans character changes every seven years, but I don't find that true. What changes our characters is what we go through, our life. The hardships we face is what shape us. I've become darker and layered because of this. What's layered you wonder that's simple- it's masks. Over time people put on masks, facades depending on the situation. At school I seem cold, aloof, but to my friends I'm kind and quiet. To my father and mother I'm "open" and happy with plenty of energy. While my brother get's the same treatment as my parents, but I let my darker side come through occasionally. These slip on without a though. And sometimes I wonder if this is normal and I'm actually showing my true character or not, but I don't think so. After spending time with a really close friend my first thought was 'thank god I got that over with.' I've never thought something like that. It's scary, but the truth. Now I wonder if I'll eventually just stop contacting my friends and drift away. 

   Will such a thing hurt, I wonder? It's possible, but at the same time very difficult to imagine. I think it might. When I was returning the day before I spent the whole day with a very close friend. We've known each other for so long and I didn't have those thoughts when we said goodbye- my voiced cracked "see you again someday." That's what I said and I almost cried, but I held it back and locked it away. I seem to withhold my sadness. At least tears. Though no one has noticed that I miss him. Is it so well hidden or am I asking too much? Even if someone noticed what would I want from them? i wish for a friend, but at the same time I wish everyone would leave me alone. I'm trying to get my father to accept an amazing job offer that will keep him out of the country for a few months. 

   I crave solitude, I enjoy it, but I still wish for someone to understand. It's difficult. I'm so screwed up in the head. Indecisive. Depressed. Suicidal. Name a negative trait and I probably have it. If it was possible to get rid of emotions I think I might do it, just so I wouldn't be this whirlwind of whatever the hell it is I am shit. I just hate these feelings inside me! I wish they would go away! One of the main reason why it hurts so much is the thought the he and I will become strangers to each other. It's scary and possible now that we're so far apart. Who knows when I'll go there again. Not anytime soon, that's for sure. I hated it there. 

   It was the manifestation of my happy, naive childhood. A constant reminder of what I have lost and will never again get back. My memories of my parents and family are now tainted, because of what I have gone through and lost. The only one who suffered the least and still has a chance at getting their childhood back is my brother, though it won't be the same. Still he has a shot at it, because mine has finished. I may look like a child, but I've lost the characteristic traits of children. I just have to last ten more years and I can be done. That's all that's getting me through the day sometimes. That chant- ten more years, just ten more years. Well we shall see. 

Guess I'll see you later.