The second time

This is the second time. 

    The second time I decided to be blunt, for once. What ends up happening? Less than a week later we get into something, I don't know what this is, that makes me want to delete my last post. It's the second time that's happened. It's not fun either way.
    I'm not going into details of what happened, all I know is that we were talking. I refused to tell him something cause it was embarrassing, than he left for over an hour and we spoke less than ten words to each other over the course of the next six hours.
    That hurts. The day it happened and we suddenly went into this weird limbo, where nobody acknowledged the other person, it felt like my soul was sucked out of my body. He was there, but he wouldn't look at me. He wouldn't talk. I couldn't say anything, didn't know what to say. I couldn't touch him, I couldn't hear his laugh, see his smile. The only full day I get to see him and something happens that kills me on the inside.
    I'm not sure if it's my fault. If so what did I do? What caused this? Was he just having a bad day and wanted to be left alone? If so he could have told me. I understand bad days, everyone gets them. So what happened?
    Fuck if I know. All I know is that I feel empty and void. I'm moving and talking, eating and drinking, but it's done automatically. Without thought or meaning, there's no point. Because life has no point. This is what happens when your mental stability comes from a single person, that can easily slip from your fingers.
    I'm not doing too terrible, but I can already feel myself drifting away. Comedy mode is on whenever I'm with someone. When I'm alone I'm Mati, because Mati's single and they don't have to think about such stupid things. Do everything, just don't be yourself, because than I don't think about other things. Still it's Monday evening and my thoughts drift to a terrible realization. I have no reason to look forward to thursday/friday. What's the point if the person I was most excited to see, isn't speaking with me?
    I've got a whole week off at the beginning of May. I was hopping to get to see him for a couple days longer. Now, now that's all just maybes. Maybe one of us will break the silence by Friday? Sad to say it won't be me. I'm a coward. I wouldn't even know what to say to him. 'I'm sorry for whatever I did? If you would just tell me what's wrong we can try to work it out?' Please, I don't want to lose you. I'm such a pathetic weak human being.
    He should leave, he should find someone better. He should live his life so that he's happy. Me, well I'm used to being sad. I'll get used to the loneliness again, the emptiness, the dull feeling of constant boredom. The reminder that there is little reason for me to be here. I'll get used to it in due time. Live out my life till that golden deadline.
    I've already thought of running away. And isn't that stupid. My first instinct of getting into 'this' with him and I'm already thinking of how I can hide from him, how can I avoid him, how do I stay out of sight? There's just one thing though, he has the key to my house. That one fact is probably holding me together. He still has it, so that means he doesn't hate me, this can all still work out.
    Yet the sadness is still there. The emptiness has settled in once more, almost as if it never left. These are the feelings I hate the most. It's why I love to hug him, cuddle next to him when were falling asleep. It's the moments when we're together that I don't feel dull, void, left without purpose. Because when I'm with him, as fucking god damn cheesy as this sounds, life doesn't need to have a purpose.

I'm terrified to walk into my room and see a single silver key lying on my desk.

I'm afraid to walk into my room and find it already occupied by someone I know.

What I'm scared of the most though? 

Is once again being swallowed 

up by the emptiness.

Different Philosophies

    I feel like recently I've been posting a lot of lovey things. Which I apologize for, but I've found that thinking about him is a good escape from reality. I don't want to put words where there are none, but I just....
    Recently, I was out drinking with some friends. We were walking back home, it was late probably around 2 am. Aster and I were walking ahead while our two friends were somewhere behind us. Maybe it was the alcohol or the sleepiness in me but at one point I apologized to him. 'I'm sorry I joke so much about you going off to find the love of your life.'
    I've been making a lot of those jokes recently, in some way shape or form. Maybe it's me trying to push him away. Why? I don't know. Cause everyone always leaves, that's just how life works. Still he always replies with the cheesiest of answers; 'But the love of my life is right here.' or 'I'll never get bored of you.' And other variations. I tend to deflect them as easily as I deflect comments.
    Yet, when I apologized he said it was OK, because he understood where I was coming from. The fact that I know so many people that were in long and loving marriages or pairs only to break up after ten plus years. It sways my opinion, makes me believe that everything will end sooner or later. He on the other hand has a different experience. He doesn't know any divorced pairs or family members. His parents meet in college and love each other to this day. Our beliefs of love are the complete opposite of each other.
    He wants to show me that this could last, that this can last. While I smile and enjoy the time I have believing it will one day end. For all the outside voices say that the first never lasts. You're young, you should meet new people! I don't much care for there opinions, but I still receive them.
    Still after telling me it was ok and that he understood he said something. 'I take you and this relationship seriously.' It should be obvious, we want to move in together, we want to live on our own together. All the signs of a serious relationship, but to hear it out loud. For some reason I was surprised. I didn't say that though, instead I probably said the most sincere thing I ever have to him. 'I take this seriously too. It may not always seem like it, but I know if I did something to fuck this up I'd hate myself for a long time.'
    I quickly changed the subject and right after split from the group as we were near my house. Aster left the subject at that. I hope he never brings it up again.
    Still, I hate even writing this, but a teeny tiny part of me is starting to believe him. That same part paints that blasted picture inside my head whenever I go to bed. It wasn't always there, it just started popping up recently. I hate it. Yet it also helps me get through the week. Helps me get to Thursday evening where I can finally see him again. Ahhhhh, I fucking hate this I sound like a silly love struck teen.
    Damn it, Aster's recently been searching for this place. If he finds it and reads this he's definitely going to bug me about that picture. I really think I'd rather die than say it aloud.....

One of my favorite things

    My eyes are closed but I can tell it's dark. Still I don't feel fear, instead excitement seems to be flowing through me, anticipation as if I were waiting for something. I can tell I'm sitting Indian-style on some cool grass, there are people all around me, talking and laughing. It's warm, a summer night.
    Leaning back I bump into someones legs, but they don't jump or move away, so they must not mind. I lean back on them and they run their hand through my hair. It's comforting and fills me with warmth.
    I continue to keep my eyes closed, until I'm startled by a loud singular bang in the sky. Quickly opening my eyes I look up to see a vanishing 'star.' It takes less than a second for three more gold fireworks to whiz up into the sky before exploding into showering sparks. A few more pop up right after, different colors this time, some red and a few others are green. A noisy one flies high into the sky making a loud whizzing noise before it disappears.
    My eyes are glued to the sky, for I finally know where and more precisely when I am. How long has it been since I last saw Ty's fireworks?

Year's. 

    It's breathtakingly beautiful and I soak in every 'shooting star' as they fly across the sky before disappearing. All the noise and the colors, the flowers that come into full bloom, but only for a second before they fade. The show last only half an hour, but I bask in it's beauty, not knowing when I'll get to see such a sight again.
    Eventually the finally starts and it's so loud and the sky turns so bright and colorful that it feels like it's daytime. My eyes, water up, because of course I'm going to feel sentimental about something stupid like this. This was one of my favorite things about living in america, it's amazing fourth of July firework shows. Still the explosive finally finishes and the sky returns to it's former dark self.
    The people around me clap and cheer, slowly rising from their chairs and gathering their things. The show ended so it's time to go still I don't want to move. I want to see more, but I can't.
    I turn around to talk to the human behind me, who I used as a pillow for a good part of the show, but find the chair to be vacant. Whoever was there is now gone. Guess, this just proves it was all a dream. I stand and stretch out my stiff muscles, thats what happens when you stay in the same position for so long. I feel myself starting to wake up, so I glance around one last time at my childhood home.

Till next time I suppose.

Am I okay?

I've become dependent on....

I can't go a day without thinking about...

I feel better, but...

Am I really better?

I haven't done it in so long.

Maybe almost two years now, maybe three? I'm not really sure.

Whenever I feel the need, I think about.....

The look in their eyes, having to explain myself.

Maybe what I'm most afraid of is them not noticing.

Just like everyone else.

Does it matter?

As long as I'm not doing it....

That means I'm okay.

I'm okay...

Am I okay?

It's normal to have quiet days.

To have sad days.

To not want to leave your room.

To hate going to school.

To keep smiling even if you aren't happy.

That's normal....right?

I've noticed that I have two types of loud laughs. 

One is my normal everyday loud laugh.

The other only ever seems to come out when I'm with.....

It's spontaneous and sudden, 

almost embarrassingly loud,

 but I feel so free when it happens.

Only ever with him.

Why is that? 

I look forward to those days, as soon as the week begins.

It's unhealthy, looking towards a specific day every singe week, 

because that's the day.....

I'm sane because of them.

I want to live because of them.

But there's a small part of me tucked away waiting for everything to 

be ripped away from me.

Waiting for them to say goodbye.

Another part of me wants this, 

because I fear this dependency.

I live because they haven't given me permission to die.

I live because someone makes me happy.

I live to see their smile and hear their laugh. 

What happens when all of that is suddenly gone?

I'll cry, 

bleed,

 hide away 

and loose a 

small part of myself.

But will I last?

I don't know.

That's why I ask...

Am I okay?

Paniced Breath's

    Its been three nights. Not in a row thankfully, but I've had this dream three times. For the first time in my life it's not a random dream featuring the same element over and over again. Instead it's a continuation. It's so plain and realistic that by the time I realize it's a dream, it's too late.
    I'm in my home and I just woke up to go to the bathroom. A very normal occurrence for me as I tend to do this once or twice a night. I do my business and am on my way to my room when I hear it. A soft voice says something along the lines of "Man, this place sure has changed."
    The voice was feminine, I find myself waking in a sudden panic. Completely unaware I had been dreaming until I had opened my eyes. That was the first one.
    The second one started the same, me waking, bathroom and walking back. When I hear the creak of someone just getting on the stairs and a very detailed human silhouette just starting to climb them. Awake in a semi-panic once again.
    The last one I had was just a few moments ago. It starts just a tad differently. I'm sleeping in bed, when I am woken by Aster, which for once isn't strange because he's staying the night. He pulls me into his arms and I fall back asleep. 
    A little while later I wake up to go to the bathroom again. This is were the dreams overlap again. I walk out and this time I see her. Standing on the stairs, fixing her makeup. She reminds me of my mother when she had deep red hair. Except there was something off about her, as if she were mixed with my aunt she gave off a harpy like feeling.
    For some reason a part of my brain thought she wasn't real so I decided to make a noise. The lady didn't even flinch. But for some reason this scared me even more and I shouted Asters name and ran into the room. He wakes and I quickly tell him there's someone in the house, but he doesn't understand, he doesn't hear or see anything. I turn to the door and all I see is her shadow in the hallway right before my room and I wake.
    Panicked, because I was so sure that was all real, but none of that happened. I walk to the bathroom needing to make sure she's no longer there and she isn't but I'm still scared.

Why am I dreaming like this?

 What was that?

 What did that mean?

 Why can't a get a full nights rest for once?

    I don't know what any of this means or why it's happening. What could my subconscious be trying to tell me? Maybe I'll look for more info in the morning, but really what am I suppose to search for? Red haired, mom look alike, slowly stalking me through my home? I don't know what to do.

I just want to sleep.   

Why am I up here again!?

    So here I am again. I think looking around my gray mind-scape. Still the same as it was last time, surprisingly nothings really changed too much. There seem to be a few more fireflies from last time. The willow's looking beautiful with its dark bark and stunning leaves. There seems to be a new color popping up, a dark red? There are only a few of those colored leaves, but they seem to be closer to the ground than the others, so these are newer memories. I go to touch one, curious as to what it will play in my mind but
"There's no way I'm letting you escape from this."
Shit, it's...
"You bet your fucking non-virgin pussy it's me."
    I turn around and less than a foot away is a dark green human silhouette with a mouth. That's new. "It Jashin damn is and guess what I'm not fucking happy about it. You know why I have this new accessory on my face, Greasy Ears?" I shrink back knowing the answer and feeling somewhat ashamed.
    "You bet you're ass you should be ashamed of yourself!" I've been unconsciously moving back during this entire encounter trying to escape from my persona, even though I know it's moot. When my back hit's my tree I know I can't escape. How did I let it come to this?
    "Oj, puppykicker look at me when I'm talking to you, cause I'm down right pissed and I don't need your inner sappy monologue butting in."
Sorry..
    "I'm not accepting any apology from you." They get right in my face and I look where eyes should be, where a glare should be. I'm still terrified. "I said I hate coming up here and look what you've done, you've brought two of us up here in a matter of weeks! What the hell is going on with you? The funny part is you act like this on the dot almost every year."
What do you mean by that I ask, curious I'm not an actor.
    "Last time I was brought up here it was the 24th of march 2017. It's just over a year raincloud." Despite the lack of facial features, aside from the very large mouth I could very easily tell that my persona was tense with rage. "Shut up!" At that moment I feel a strong pain in my jaw and my knees crumple under me. Did they just punch me?
    "Your damn right I did, cause you're starting to piss me off! It's so obvious as to why I'm here and yet you're avoiding the answer like a sleazy politician. You know exactly why I'm here and if you dare deny it I am going to kick you in the balls." 
    I sigh, before nodding. Lightly cupping my check and looking towards the cliff where they all seem to come from. I've been too lazy recently. This gets a snort from the other, but I continue knowing what has to be done. I don't even have any excuses I know I'm just trying to avoid everything for as long as possible.
Probably explains why I've been writing so much.
"You write to de-stress, that hasn't changed about you."
I'm under that much stress?
"You're really good at hiding it."
I'm a fucking moron.
"Forever and always."
    There's silence between us for a moment as I let my actions sink in. It has been bad lately, really bad. "Exactly, that's why I'm here to fucking get your head out of your ass. Stop over thinking everything. Now I hate to repeat myself, but it seems I have to when it comes to you.
    You aren't a genius, never will be. Guess what though, that's perfectly okay. The fact that you take longer to learn things, are a bit slow on the uptake sometimes, that's alright too. 
    Look at you last time I was here you were a loner you only had yourself and a few others. Now though, now you have actual friends and people to talk to. Ask for help and get to know. It's not looking anywhere near as dreary as it was last time. So get to fucking work you lazy ass. 
    After this semester you have a three month long break, three whole months! Think of all the things you won't have to do then! Maybe you'll actually finish Monster this summer, probably get another tattoo if you go to the festival thingy, get drunk with your friends. Look at all the things awaiting you on the horizon. 
    There's one catch though, you have to pass this semester and stay in school. Work hard for 2 and a half months so that way you can have three months of laziness. I say that's a fair trade." At some point they crossed their arms, making them seem even more important.
    When it's thrown in my face like that I have to accept that I've been running. Damn, I have a shit ton of work ahead of me. "Yup," they reply pulling me up from the ground and putting their semi-translucent hand over my shoulder "but I know you can do. Plus that vacation time sounds like so much fun."
    I nod and sigh. This is going to suck. "Ya, but would you rather have that stone filled in already?" 
    I glance at the mentioned stone, situated near the cliffs end, before shaking my head. Not ready for that just yet, too many interesting things going on at the moment.
    "Exactly," they say letting go of me and walking towards the edge. "do I have to mention what's going to happen if I'm brought up here again?" I shake my head, it's sort of obvious. "Keep at it kid, you're finally past the halfway point." 
    With that they fall over the edge and disappear into the darkness bellow. Damn, greeny's going to kick my ass the next time we're going to be face to face again.

Snapshots from another Life

    The brunet sighs as she enters her home, shoulders slouching and head pounding. It's quiet and no dog comes to great her so that must mean Aster came earlier than her. Not surprising since it's almost 19. She lazily puts away her shoes and coat before walking into the kitchen to make some tea. With a strong cup of green tea in her hands she makes her way to the bedroom, not interested in sleeping but just wanting to lay down and ignore the pain encasing her head.
    Without a thought she puts on her pj's and curls underneath a blanket, trying to relax. After a while she hears the front door opening and the pitter patter of doggy paws. Bax always seems to know when she's home, less than a second later hes in the bedroom, head perched on the bed and giving her puppy-dog eyes.
    The brunet smiles as she sticks out a hand to pet the happy puppy, the canine in question milks it for all it's worth, before running off to get his other human. A moment later a blond walks in, 'Hey,' he says smiling while bringing his hand to her forehead, 'you okay?'
    The brunet gives a nod before whispering, 'just a migraine it'll go away after I go to sleep, nothing to worry about.'
    'Have you eaten?'
    'No, but I'm not sure I won't just throw it back up right now.'
    The blond nods before leaving the room. The other occupant is in their own little world, falling into a half daze like state, just trying to relax. It's quiet in the house for a little while before Aster comes in wearing pj's, laptop under his arm.
    'Wanna watch a movie?' The other nods and curls into their partner while the movie plays in the background.

    For once the two of them are in separate rooms, not because they had gotten into a fight, but because Aster is playing with his friends over skype and Nast decided to do her own thing. The brunet in question had headphones on and was in a singing mood, so she blasted music while browsing the interwebs all the while singing and sometimes dancing to the songs.
    She rarely did this anymore, but it'd been so long she just felt the need to jam out. So it isn't strange that she stops noticing whats going on around her.
    Suddenly arms envelop her and she practically falls off of her chair, the only thing keeping her from falling was the body enveloping her. 'I had no clue you liked to sing and dance,' whispers Aster as he leans into her, 'and surprisingly you aren't terrible.'
    'Such kind words from the person that likes to whisper sing in the car,' replies Nast trying to ignore the heat against her lower back and thus invoking her own. 'Why are you even here? Aren't you playing something with the dudes?'
'We're on a food break so I thought I'd bother you a bit.'
'How long were you watching me,' the girl asks with dread.
'Just a song or two maybe even three,' he laughs smirking into her neck.
    The girl slumps, trying to ignore the growing dread, 'this is going to be used as black mail isn't it?'
'Oh, definitely.'

    Aster walks into his home aggravated and annoyed, he's had a long and tiring day. Not even Bax seems to be able to bring his mood up by much once he gets back.
    The day started out okay, but than his mom called him telling him to come to her work after his shift. Thus he was aggravated the entire time wondering what his mother would want from him. Once he finally gets there the two of them get into a huge fight. It's just been a shitty day.
    'Hey,' says Nast from the living room typing away at her laptop. Aster replies half heartedly before making a beeline for her. The brunet recognizes what about to happen and puts her laptop to the side before getting a lapfull of Aster. She had been laying down and her partner had layed down right on top of her.
    She hugs him, before stating the obvious 'rough day?' to which the other only nods. He just focuses on breathing in Nast's scent and trying to ignore the emotions boiling inside of him, there is no need to be so mad, he has to think rationally. They sit like this for a little while, before Aster finally starts to recount what had happened.

    It's something every couple goes through at one point or another. It's always hard to talk about, but it has to be done. Otherwise it can be close to impossible to live with one another. This couple really only had the talk once they were forced to.
    It starts with Aster doing something in the kitchen and thinking he's alone let's one rip. It's loud and somewhat smelly, but he's fine for he's sure that Nast is in the basement doing some laundry- he was wrong. The brunet in question was in the hallway and heard the whole thing. Now she could have ignored it and moved on but she was tired of having to hide her farts, so she confronted the blond.
    'You just farted didn't you.' She stats looking at the man. The human in question scans the area, but for once the girl knows his train of thought and says 'Bax is in the garden, so it was you.'
'Yes, it was me, okay.' Aster finally replies, but I thought you were downstairs.'
    'Can we just freely fart in front of one another without worry? I'm getting tired of leaving the room every time I need to toot.'
 'That sounds like something we should have decided a long time ago, just not during meals or during bedroom activities.'
'Deal,' replies the girl, 'Pleasure doing business with you good sir.