Am I okay?

I've become dependent on....

I can't go a day without thinking about...

I feel better, but...

Am I really better?

I haven't done it in so long.

Maybe almost two years now, maybe three? I'm not really sure.

Whenever I feel the need, I think about.....

The look in their eyes, having to explain myself.

Maybe what I'm most afraid of is them not noticing.

Just like everyone else.

Does it matter?

As long as I'm not doing it....

That means I'm okay.

I'm okay...

Am I okay?

It's normal to have quiet days.

To have sad days.

To not want to leave your room.

To hate going to school.

To keep smiling even if you aren't happy.

That's normal....right?

I've noticed that I have two types of loud laughs. 

One is my normal everyday loud laugh.

The other only ever seems to come out when I'm with.....

It's spontaneous and sudden, 

almost embarrassingly loud,

 but I feel so free when it happens.

Only ever with him.

Why is that? 

I look forward to those days, as soon as the week begins.

It's unhealthy, looking towards a specific day every singe week, 

because that's the day.....

I'm sane because of them.

I want to live because of them.

But there's a small part of me tucked away waiting for everything to 

be ripped away from me.

Waiting for them to say goodbye.

Another part of me wants this, 

because I fear this dependency.

I live because they haven't given me permission to die.

I live because someone makes me happy.

I live to see their smile and hear their laugh. 

What happens when all of that is suddenly gone?

I'll cry, 

bleed,

 hide away 

and loose a 

small part of myself.

But will I last?

I don't know.

That's why I ask...

Am I okay?