Different Philosophies

    I feel like recently I've been posting a lot of lovey things. Which I apologize for, but I've found that thinking about him is a good escape from reality. I don't want to put words where there are none, but I just....
    Recently, I was out drinking with some friends. We were walking back home, it was late probably around 2 am. Aster and I were walking ahead while our two friends were somewhere behind us. Maybe it was the alcohol or the sleepiness in me but at one point I apologized to him. 'I'm sorry I joke so much about you going off to find the love of your life.'
    I've been making a lot of those jokes recently, in some way shape or form. Maybe it's me trying to push him away. Why? I don't know. Cause everyone always leaves, that's just how life works. Still he always replies with the cheesiest of answers; 'But the love of my life is right here.' or 'I'll never get bored of you.' And other variations. I tend to deflect them as easily as I deflect comments.
    Yet, when I apologized he said it was OK, because he understood where I was coming from. The fact that I know so many people that were in long and loving marriages or pairs only to break up after ten plus years. It sways my opinion, makes me believe that everything will end sooner or later. He on the other hand has a different experience. He doesn't know any divorced pairs or family members. His parents meet in college and love each other to this day. Our beliefs of love are the complete opposite of each other.
    He wants to show me that this could last, that this can last. While I smile and enjoy the time I have believing it will one day end. For all the outside voices say that the first never lasts. You're young, you should meet new people! I don't much care for there opinions, but I still receive them.
    Still after telling me it was ok and that he understood he said something. 'I take you and this relationship seriously.' It should be obvious, we want to move in together, we want to live on our own together. All the signs of a serious relationship, but to hear it out loud. For some reason I was surprised. I didn't say that though, instead I probably said the most sincere thing I ever have to him. 'I take this seriously too. It may not always seem like it, but I know if I did something to fuck this up I'd hate myself for a long time.'
    I quickly changed the subject and right after split from the group as we were near my house. Aster left the subject at that. I hope he never brings it up again.
    Still, I hate even writing this, but a teeny tiny part of me is starting to believe him. That same part paints that blasted picture inside my head whenever I go to bed. It wasn't always there, it just started popping up recently. I hate it. Yet it also helps me get through the week. Helps me get to Thursday evening where I can finally see him again. Ahhhhh, I fucking hate this I sound like a silly love struck teen.
    Damn it, Aster's recently been searching for this place. If he finds it and reads this he's definitely going to bug me about that picture. I really think I'd rather die than say it aloud.....