The second time

This is the second time. 

    The second time I decided to be blunt, for once. What ends up happening? Less than a week later we get into something, I don't know what this is, that makes me want to delete my last post. It's the second time that's happened. It's not fun either way.
    I'm not going into details of what happened, all I know is that we were talking. I refused to tell him something cause it was embarrassing, than he left for over an hour and we spoke less than ten words to each other over the course of the next six hours.
    That hurts. The day it happened and we suddenly went into this weird limbo, where nobody acknowledged the other person, it felt like my soul was sucked out of my body. He was there, but he wouldn't look at me. He wouldn't talk. I couldn't say anything, didn't know what to say. I couldn't touch him, I couldn't hear his laugh, see his smile. The only full day I get to see him and something happens that kills me on the inside.
    I'm not sure if it's my fault. If so what did I do? What caused this? Was he just having a bad day and wanted to be left alone? If so he could have told me. I understand bad days, everyone gets them. So what happened?
    Fuck if I know. All I know is that I feel empty and void. I'm moving and talking, eating and drinking, but it's done automatically. Without thought or meaning, there's no point. Because life has no point. This is what happens when your mental stability comes from a single person, that can easily slip from your fingers.
    I'm not doing too terrible, but I can already feel myself drifting away. Comedy mode is on whenever I'm with someone. When I'm alone I'm Mati, because Mati's single and they don't have to think about such stupid things. Do everything, just don't be yourself, because than I don't think about other things. Still it's Monday evening and my thoughts drift to a terrible realization. I have no reason to look forward to thursday/friday. What's the point if the person I was most excited to see, isn't speaking with me?
    I've got a whole week off at the beginning of May. I was hopping to get to see him for a couple days longer. Now, now that's all just maybes. Maybe one of us will break the silence by Friday? Sad to say it won't be me. I'm a coward. I wouldn't even know what to say to him. 'I'm sorry for whatever I did? If you would just tell me what's wrong we can try to work it out?' Please, I don't want to lose you. I'm such a pathetic weak human being.
    He should leave, he should find someone better. He should live his life so that he's happy. Me, well I'm used to being sad. I'll get used to the loneliness again, the emptiness, the dull feeling of constant boredom. The reminder that there is little reason for me to be here. I'll get used to it in due time. Live out my life till that golden deadline.
    I've already thought of running away. And isn't that stupid. My first instinct of getting into 'this' with him and I'm already thinking of how I can hide from him, how can I avoid him, how do I stay out of sight? There's just one thing though, he has the key to my house. That one fact is probably holding me together. He still has it, so that means he doesn't hate me, this can all still work out.
    Yet the sadness is still there. The emptiness has settled in once more, almost as if it never left. These are the feelings I hate the most. It's why I love to hug him, cuddle next to him when were falling asleep. It's the moments when we're together that I don't feel dull, void, left without purpose. Because when I'm with him, as fucking god damn cheesy as this sounds, life doesn't need to have a purpose.

I'm terrified to walk into my room and see a single silver key lying on my desk.

I'm afraid to walk into my room and find it already occupied by someone I know.

What I'm scared of the most though? 

Is once again being swallowed 

up by the emptiness.