'Idyllic' Days

    Its a routine. A very simple routine, but one that I always look forward to. I have fridays off from school, no classes and all that joy, so every thursday and friday evening I would go to Asters house for a few hours. It was usually the only time I got to see him.
    One thursday evening right before I was about to leave I asked him if he'd like to try something out. Bring Bax with him and stay over at my house for the night. So he did. It wasn't easy Bax was uncomfortable in the new place, he kept walking around and crying. He peed in the house a few times and even had a bad case of diarrhea once, but after about three visits he got used to the place.
    He still occasionally cries around seven in the morning, even after we let him out to relieve himself, but I've taken to just putting him on the bed. As soon as he's cuddled up between Aster and I he falls right back to sleep. Bax is very much like a two year old child in that sense.
    He enjoys exploring the house and having a backyard to play in. He also likes to bother Oreo, mostly I think he just enjoys the company of another dog. My dad and I tend to spoil him a bit, always petting him, thus Bax is always happy to see my father.
    So after a while Bax took to this new routine. Though I'm most happy to have Aster in my bed at least once a week. Nightly conversations that are either serious in nature or very light hearted. These 24h+ that we're together can really only be described as domestic and routine.
    Usually on Wednesday one of us texts the other asking if we're doing the usually. The next day I pick up Aster and Bax around 7 pm. We drive back to my house and tend to take an hour long walk as soon as we drop off Asters stuff, unless its raining. After the walk we either make some kind of small supper, talk or just watch something on youtube.
    Nothing really specific. It isn't unusual for the both of us to be playing our own games while sitting next to each other. Thats what's happening till 1 or 2, depending on how tired I am I'll force Aster to go to bed earlier or later, although we always have nightly talks in some way shape or form that move back our bed time.
    In the morning I'm up at 10 to feed Bax and because of my school schedule clock I just stay up. Drinking some coffee, making breakfast and doing my own thing. Around 12 I start to bug Aster to get out of bed, usually by annoying the crap out of him. This can take anywhere from 30 min to an hour, depending on how much of a fight the blond puts up. After this we waste time by talking about dinner, watching Bax annoy Oreo or doing stuff on the computer. It's peaceful, my father comes back and we all talk about plans for the weekend. Sometimes Aster and I hang out with friends, other times we just do whatever till 5 than go for another long walk. Still 8:30 hits the clock and it's time for me to drive Aster home.
    Thus my beautifully boring, domestically peaceful weekend comes to an end, for Saturday and Sunday are homework days. It brings me peace of mind, at least for a little while. I also wonder if when the time comes that Aster lives here, how will the days change than? I can only hope we'll get some peaceful days occasionally, because they help soothe my soul.

Thoughts for another day.

Ups and Downs

    It's been a mixed semester, with about a month of classes left than exams around the end. I can't say it hasn't been good, but I also can't say it's been bad. I've had a lot of ups and downs this past semester. More lows than highs I think, not quite balanced.
    My mood seems to be so sensitive lately. I give up easily. I rather do nothing than something. My will to live and enjoy life is minuscule as of late. I don't really know why. Still it's harder to hide the bad days, because they seem so much stronger than the good. The fake smiles I was once able to summon now come out as crooked with dull eyes staring back. My brain hasn't been much help as it seems migraines and headaches are fairly regular and just as painful if not more so occasionally.
    Even Aster hasn't been able to chase away all of the darkness like he used to. Somehow my fog has found cracks and it now slowly invades my mind. It sort of feels like all of my strength has been sapped out of me. I'll sit down and do the work I must, but my drive has completely faded. I'm not sure if it's early summer blues or just the family drama that's on my mind.
    Azalea might be living here soon. At least for a while, but my mother is not happy about it and I think she refuses to help him. He's smart so I know he can handle everything, especially since father and I are helping him with as much as we can. Still it wouldn't surprise me if she tried to sabotage him in some way. I told Az that if he needed help that he should go to Larspur, she doesn't have a ton of time right now, but hopefully she'd be able to help him at least a bit. Sorry Spur, I hope you don't mind.
    I've also been dreaming of spiders again, which does little to help my mental health. What do you do when you're always tired? I feel like I'm just waiting for school to end so that I can have a bit of a break. Take my mind off everything for a month or so before jumping back into everything. I'm worried that it might be something more than that though. And if it is, than what could it possibly be?
    What if after everything I still feel this way? I don't really know, but I can't drag others down with me. Still if someone ask 'Am I okay?' or 'How am I doing?' What do I say? Because I can say, not too good. But when they ask me why, all I can do is shrug my shoulders because I truly don't know why. I just feel half gone.

Just a walk

    It was just the three of us. Walking back from a friends home. A casual bored game night on a Friday evening, that ended with an intense hour an a half game of chess. Thus the three of us were walking back together, listening to the birds that are just starting to rise.
    We talk jumping from subject to subject, like we always do. Still these walks always bring up the most serious of subjects, most are focused on Bell, but surprisingly this time they were focused on Aster and I.
    Somehow marriage was brought up. Bell asked when we're going to get married or why we haven't tied the knot yet. It was interesting explaining our different world views when it comes to that subject. Kids were also mentioned, since Bell has acquired yet another nickname to his arsenal- "Uncle." The subject was quickly dropped after I gave my beautiful description of child birth. Let's just say the word parasite was involved.
    Still we hopped from subject to subject, discussing the more serious things in life, because you can't always joke about life. At one point the conversation lulled to what seemed to be a relaxed quiet, when Bell pops me a question. 'So, Nast.... Tell me something that I don't know about you?'
    So many things flash through my mind that he doesn't know, but I only smile and say; 'There really isn't anything interesting about me that you don't know about.'
    Of course Bell doesn't believe me, after all everyone has an interesting story to tell. 'Then maybe I'll be a bit more blunt,' he says looking somewhat nervous, maybe awkward asking this. 'I've noticed you make a lot of suicide and dying jokes lately.'
    This isn't too surprising, but I shrug my shoulders and explain. 'I just decided to stop filtering myself around you guys.'
    Here is where Aster cuts in with a snort, 'Sorry, but Nast is too stupid to reveal anything she doesn't want to reveal.' At this Bell looks over to the other blond, confused. 'If she doesn't want to say something she wont, but if she has to it's a vague thing that tells you jack.'
    Here Bell seems to be somewhat surprised as if he never expected something like this from me. Understandable since I seem to be a very open person, it's when someone wants to get personal that I start to close up. I only smile at him and shrug my shoulders again. 'That's just the way I roll.' I reply casually before smoothly transitioning into a different subject.
    The walk continues never returning to the dropped subjects. Still my mind thinks, oh the things I would tell the both of you if only I had the courage. It's always left unsaid though, because it's not necessary for them to know.

The second time

This is the second time. 

    The second time I decided to be blunt, for once. What ends up happening? Less than a week later we get into something, I don't know what this is, that makes me want to delete my last post. It's the second time that's happened. It's not fun either way.
    I'm not going into details of what happened, all I know is that we were talking. I refused to tell him something cause it was embarrassing, than he left for over an hour and we spoke less than ten words to each other over the course of the next six hours.
    That hurts. The day it happened and we suddenly went into this weird limbo, where nobody acknowledged the other person, it felt like my soul was sucked out of my body. He was there, but he wouldn't look at me. He wouldn't talk. I couldn't say anything, didn't know what to say. I couldn't touch him, I couldn't hear his laugh, see his smile. The only full day I get to see him and something happens that kills me on the inside.
    I'm not sure if it's my fault. If so what did I do? What caused this? Was he just having a bad day and wanted to be left alone? If so he could have told me. I understand bad days, everyone gets them. So what happened?
    Fuck if I know. All I know is that I feel empty and void. I'm moving and talking, eating and drinking, but it's done automatically. Without thought or meaning, there's no point. Because life has no point. This is what happens when your mental stability comes from a single person, that can easily slip from your fingers.
    I'm not doing too terrible, but I can already feel myself drifting away. Comedy mode is on whenever I'm with someone. When I'm alone I'm Mati, because Mati's single and they don't have to think about such stupid things. Do everything, just don't be yourself, because than I don't think about other things. Still it's Monday evening and my thoughts drift to a terrible realization. I have no reason to look forward to thursday/friday. What's the point if the person I was most excited to see, isn't speaking with me?
    I've got a whole week off at the beginning of May. I was hopping to get to see him for a couple days longer. Now, now that's all just maybes. Maybe one of us will break the silence by Friday? Sad to say it won't be me. I'm a coward. I wouldn't even know what to say to him. 'I'm sorry for whatever I did? If you would just tell me what's wrong we can try to work it out?' Please, I don't want to lose you. I'm such a pathetic weak human being.
    He should leave, he should find someone better. He should live his life so that he's happy. Me, well I'm used to being sad. I'll get used to the loneliness again, the emptiness, the dull feeling of constant boredom. The reminder that there is little reason for me to be here. I'll get used to it in due time. Live out my life till that golden deadline.
    I've already thought of running away. And isn't that stupid. My first instinct of getting into 'this' with him and I'm already thinking of how I can hide from him, how can I avoid him, how do I stay out of sight? There's just one thing though, he has the key to my house. That one fact is probably holding me together. He still has it, so that means he doesn't hate me, this can all still work out.
    Yet the sadness is still there. The emptiness has settled in once more, almost as if it never left. These are the feelings I hate the most. It's why I love to hug him, cuddle next to him when were falling asleep. It's the moments when we're together that I don't feel dull, void, left without purpose. Because when I'm with him, as fucking god damn cheesy as this sounds, life doesn't need to have a purpose.

I'm terrified to walk into my room and see a single silver key lying on my desk.

I'm afraid to walk into my room and find it already occupied by someone I know.

What I'm scared of the most though? 

Is once again being swallowed 

up by the emptiness.

Different Philosophies

    I feel like recently I've been posting a lot of lovey things. Which I apologize for, but I've found that thinking about him is a good escape from reality. I don't want to put words where there are none, but I just....
    Recently, I was out drinking with some friends. We were walking back home, it was late probably around 2 am. Aster and I were walking ahead while our two friends were somewhere behind us. Maybe it was the alcohol or the sleepiness in me but at one point I apologized to him. 'I'm sorry I joke so much about you going off to find the love of your life.'
    I've been making a lot of those jokes recently, in some way shape or form. Maybe it's me trying to push him away. Why? I don't know. Cause everyone always leaves, that's just how life works. Still he always replies with the cheesiest of answers; 'But the love of my life is right here.' or 'I'll never get bored of you.' And other variations. I tend to deflect them as easily as I deflect comments.
    Yet, when I apologized he said it was OK, because he understood where I was coming from. The fact that I know so many people that were in long and loving marriages or pairs only to break up after ten plus years. It sways my opinion, makes me believe that everything will end sooner or later. He on the other hand has a different experience. He doesn't know any divorced pairs or family members. His parents meet in college and love each other to this day. Our beliefs of love are the complete opposite of each other.
    He wants to show me that this could last, that this can last. While I smile and enjoy the time I have believing it will one day end. For all the outside voices say that the first never lasts. You're young, you should meet new people! I don't much care for there opinions, but I still receive them.
    Still after telling me it was ok and that he understood he said something. 'I take you and this relationship seriously.' It should be obvious, we want to move in together, we want to live on our own together. All the signs of a serious relationship, but to hear it out loud. For some reason I was surprised. I didn't say that though, instead I probably said the most sincere thing I ever have to him. 'I take this seriously too. It may not always seem like it, but I know if I did something to fuck this up I'd hate myself for a long time.'
    I quickly changed the subject and right after split from the group as we were near my house. Aster left the subject at that. I hope he never brings it up again.
    Still, I hate even writing this, but a teeny tiny part of me is starting to believe him. That same part paints that blasted picture inside my head whenever I go to bed. It wasn't always there, it just started popping up recently. I hate it. Yet it also helps me get through the week. Helps me get to Thursday evening where I can finally see him again. Ahhhhh, I fucking hate this I sound like a silly love struck teen.
    Damn it, Aster's recently been searching for this place. If he finds it and reads this he's definitely going to bug me about that picture. I really think I'd rather die than say it aloud.....

One of my favorite things

    My eyes are closed but I can tell it's dark. Still I don't feel fear, instead excitement seems to be flowing through me, anticipation as if I were waiting for something. I can tell I'm sitting Indian-style on some cool grass, there are people all around me, talking and laughing. It's warm, a summer night.
    Leaning back I bump into someones legs, but they don't jump or move away, so they must not mind. I lean back on them and they run their hand through my hair. It's comforting and fills me with warmth.
    I continue to keep my eyes closed, until I'm startled by a loud singular bang in the sky. Quickly opening my eyes I look up to see a vanishing 'star.' It takes less than a second for three more gold fireworks to whiz up into the sky before exploding into showering sparks. A few more pop up right after, different colors this time, some red and a few others are green. A noisy one flies high into the sky making a loud whizzing noise before it disappears.
    My eyes are glued to the sky, for I finally know where and more precisely when I am. How long has it been since I last saw Ty's fireworks?

Year's. 

    It's breathtakingly beautiful and I soak in every 'shooting star' as they fly across the sky before disappearing. All the noise and the colors, the flowers that come into full bloom, but only for a second before they fade. The show last only half an hour, but I bask in it's beauty, not knowing when I'll get to see such a sight again.
    Eventually the finally starts and it's so loud and the sky turns so bright and colorful that it feels like it's daytime. My eyes, water up, because of course I'm going to feel sentimental about something stupid like this. This was one of my favorite things about living in america, it's amazing fourth of July firework shows. Still the explosive finally finishes and the sky returns to it's former dark self.
    The people around me clap and cheer, slowly rising from their chairs and gathering their things. The show ended so it's time to go still I don't want to move. I want to see more, but I can't.
    I turn around to talk to the human behind me, who I used as a pillow for a good part of the show, but find the chair to be vacant. Whoever was there is now gone. Guess, this just proves it was all a dream. I stand and stretch out my stiff muscles, thats what happens when you stay in the same position for so long. I feel myself starting to wake up, so I glance around one last time at my childhood home.

Till next time I suppose.

Am I okay?

I've become dependent on....

I can't go a day without thinking about...

I feel better, but...

Am I really better?

I haven't done it in so long.

Maybe almost two years now, maybe three? I'm not really sure.

Whenever I feel the need, I think about.....

The look in their eyes, having to explain myself.

Maybe what I'm most afraid of is them not noticing.

Just like everyone else.

Does it matter?

As long as I'm not doing it....

That means I'm okay.

I'm okay...

Am I okay?

It's normal to have quiet days.

To have sad days.

To not want to leave your room.

To hate going to school.

To keep smiling even if you aren't happy.

That's normal....right?

I've noticed that I have two types of loud laughs. 

One is my normal everyday loud laugh.

The other only ever seems to come out when I'm with.....

It's spontaneous and sudden, 

almost embarrassingly loud,

 but I feel so free when it happens.

Only ever with him.

Why is that? 

I look forward to those days, as soon as the week begins.

It's unhealthy, looking towards a specific day every singe week, 

because that's the day.....

I'm sane because of them.

I want to live because of them.

But there's a small part of me tucked away waiting for everything to 

be ripped away from me.

Waiting for them to say goodbye.

Another part of me wants this, 

because I fear this dependency.

I live because they haven't given me permission to die.

I live because someone makes me happy.

I live to see their smile and hear their laugh. 

What happens when all of that is suddenly gone?

I'll cry, 

bleed,

 hide away 

and loose a 

small part of myself.

But will I last?

I don't know.

That's why I ask...

Am I okay?