Voicing things

There are so many things that I want to tell you. 

Yet I'm never able to voice them aloud.

There are so many things I want to ask you.

Yet I'm afraid of your answer.

So here I'll try to voice them,

but only because here you'll never read them.

Did you know I find you breath taking, especially in the spring sun. 

Why is it that you keep coming back?

I love your chameleon eyes.

What do you see that I can not?

Your loyalty to your friends is inspiring.

I don't understand, how are you still here?

I know that you have just as many questions as I.

Yet you aren't afraid to voice yours.

I tend to avoid them, for there are some things I'm not yet ready to say.

You accept my silence, you never push.

I will forever be grateful for that, 

but know some of your questions will eventually be answered.

Why do I wear a black glove?

I'm afraid that reply will be cryptic.

What keeps me awake at night?

So many thoughts

Why Aster and what does it mean?

Well I've been ready to tell you that for a while, 

but I can't help but keep it cryptic longer.

One day you will know.

That I've been saying it to you out loud for a while now,

Yet you never noticed.

That Aster means...

Well I'm afraid I don't want to tell you just yet. 

Sitting

    Are you ever afraid of certain time of day? Or maybe you just have one of those random days where you can't help, but feel detached from everything? You know those day's where you can just sit down and stare into space for hours on end? I have those sometimes. It can happen twice a week or once a month depending on my emotional stability. It is fairly random, but whenever it does happen I'm perfectly fine with just laying/ sitting and staring off into space. When it happens on a weekend then I just play a youtube playlist and sit at my window with a cuppa in my hand and just watch. At first I'm taking sips from my cup of tea and observing the world outside my window. 

    The neighbors new young cat is trying and failing miserably at hunting. The tiny brown birds are just too quick for him. After a while he gives up and just seems to stare at them in longing. The birds are fun to watch, but they never seem to be able to relax when your observing them. At least the older ones can't. I guess they just know when they are being observed, it's a safety mechanism inside them that helps them survive. Only birds of prey seem to be indifferent to your gaze. 

    Eventually my eyes stop seeing the world around me and I get lost inside my mind. Since it's daytime it's easier to stay out of the darker parts of my thoughts. The monsters that keep me up at night, but that isn't always the case. Today though I just lose myself to my random little made up stories. I allow myself to fully emerge into them, forgetting for a while that that is not my life. Usually I keep myself from doing this, it's hard to leave a created world like that, but when I'm in this type of state of mind it's a lot easier to just not care. 

    So I enter. 

    I'm walking in my neighborhoods small square, right next to the children's park. With a small bag of groceries in one hand, humming a small tune. The weather is very calm and it's quite warm, so I'm only wearing jeans and a t-shirt with sneakers. I stop though when I hear my name being yelled, well it's actually my nickname- "Zoey!" I turn to the noise curiosity peaked, because there is a very few number of people that call me that and none of them live in the area. Turning I see my parkour trainer Czapla running after his son in the kiddy park. Perplexed I walk up to the fence that surrounds the play place and give a wave. The young father catches his son and walk up to me with a smile. 

    "Hey Zoey, what are you doing here?"

    I only raise my eyebrow in question, "I should be the one asking you that since I live in the area and last I checked you lived farther west." 

    He only rolls his eyes, used to my blunt like way of speaking and sass/ sarcasm all rolled into one. We rarely ever spoke one and one and when we did I wasn't exactly the nicest person on the planet. "Well, I just recently bought an apartment in the area. It was starting to become annoying getting to and fro from the arena."

    "You still lasted pretty long," I replied with that I gave a small smile, "anyway welcome to the neighborhood." And made my way back home. 

    That situation was the beginning of a strange friendship, because a few days later I get a call from a frustrated Czapla. "Hello?" I answer my phone highly confused as to why my trainer is calling me on a thursday.

    "Hey Zoey, you wouldn't happen to be home at the moment would you?" 

    "I am," I reply still confused and wondering what exactly Czapla wants from me. The only time he ever used my number was when he was looking for someone to hand out leaflets for the club, but he sounded a bit to frustrated for it to be about flyers. 

    He seemed to let out a giant sigh when I replied, "Could you do me a huge favor?" 

    "Depends," I answer still wondering what is going on.

    "I have to go to the arena to teach and I have Damian with me, but I can't bring him to the arena as well, because there is a birthday party going on there today. So there isn't anyone that can watch him and I can't call and ask Annie to get him, cause she's out of town and..." 

    He seemed to be on a tirade and I cut him off, before the young adult got even more unnecessarily stressed. "You need me to babysit him for a couple of hours?" 

    "Yes, could you please?" his voice is filled with hope and as much as small kids sort of scare me, Damian was a toddler, so he wasn't as scary. Besides Czapla sounded like he really needed the help. I sighed answered positively and Czapla seemed over joyed. "I'll send you my address. How fast can you get here?"

    "I'll be there in ten minutes. Write out a list of things that I need to know about caring for Damian while you wait." With that I hung up and let out a resigned sigh, why did I agree? Oh ya, that's right it's cause I like to help people. So I packed a small bag of things and made my way to my trainers house. He lived on a side street not too far from my family home and it only took about three minutes to get there. I typed in the number to his place -12- and he immediately buzzed me up. Swiftly making my way to the third floor I found the door to apartment 12 wide open so decided to just walk in. 

    There I was greeted with Czapla trying to calm his son. The kid wasn't crying, but he seemed to be fussing over something. I coughed lightly unsure of what to do, but as soon as Czapla saw me he brighten, "Oh thank god you're here. I walked over to me and handed me a list of things. Everything you need to know is written down there." He gave me a quick tour of his place, pointing out the bathroom, kitchen and his bedroom. Finally he handed me Damian, who looked up at me in confusion. "Damian this is Zoey," He patted my head to emphasize his point, "She's going to be watching you while I go to work. I will be back around 22:30, so be good till then ok." The kid seemed to nod as if in understanding and started to grab at my hair. 

    "Great," Czapla seemed to smile at his gesture, "that mean's he's comfortable with you." He pat both of our heads again, making sure to make my hair extra messy, before saying goodbye and rushing out the door. 

    The both of us just stared at the now locked door then looked at the other, "So now what do we do?" I ask, of course the tyke doesn't answer, but he giggles, which is a good sign in my book. I put him down and he wobbles his way to the main room where his toys are. He seems to get comfortable on his blanket and starts playing with a dinosaur and car. Seeing that he's occupied I take a look at the list Czapla wrote. It just had a few major pointers, what time he eats, what he eats, when he should go to bed. That he wasn't allowed to use the computer for more then two hours and never alone. Well, it's already 19, so he's been feed and I just need to watch him and get him to sleep around 21. 

    Seeing that Damian was still occupied I pulled out a few math books and started studying. Ugh, so much math. Why did I go to college again, oh ya cause I want a job that doesn't involve me standing behind a counter. I admit I got sort of lost myself in my homework and never noticed Damian getting bored and leaving the room. I didn't notice until I heard a crash, which caused me to jump and run towards the noise as soon as I realized the toddler was gone. 

    I ran into the kitchen, only to find Damian inside the fridge. The door was leaning open against the cupboards and there were food products on the floor. Damian was nestled inside the fridge laying on the bottom self. I couldn't help it I laughed at the little tyke. "What are you doing kid?" I asked him giggling and kneeling down in front of the fridge. The toddler just looked at me and gurgled, laughing with me. "Well why don't you get out of there and we'll change you into pj's, maybe do something before bed?" 

    Amazingly he seemed to understand me, because he scooted towards me and I grabbed for him. Picking him up and starting to swing him around, he let out a laugh, before I put him down and started hiding away all the food that was on the floor. Luckily he hadn't made that much of a mess, but I was surprised that he stayed and tried to help me. 

    "Alright, the mess has been cleaned, so your daddy won't get mad. Let's get you into some sleepwear," with that we went to Czapla's room where Damian had his bag of things. It was a bit of a struggle to get the little guy into clothes, since he seemed to find great amusement in making me struggle. I of course got back at him, by tickling his stomach. 

    Time passed quickly after that with me trying and failing to get Damian into bed, eventually I gave in and let him color next to me while i did more homework. He fell asleep in that time, so i brought him to his cot and laid him to bed. He slept soundly and before I knew it I heard Czapla making his way inside. I packed me stuff, before meeting him in the hall. As soon as he came in he went to check on Damian, so I had time to put on my shoes and light coat. 

    "Hey," he finally spoke, "he wasn't any trouble was he?" 

    "Nope, he was really well behaved for a toddler. The only time he made a fuss was when I tried to get him to bed." 

    "Nothing unusual then," he smiled and I started to make my way out the door. "Thanks again for this."

    "No problem," I reply "If you ever need a sitter again I'll be glad to help, Damian's a pretty fun kid. Night." With that I left the apartment and headed back home ready to hit the sack. This would not be the last time I would babysit Damian.

    I blink a few times, before I start to take in the world around me, the real world. The cup in my hands helps center and ground me. I take a sip of the now cold tea and finally get off my window sill. My body is a bit stiff from sitting in a single position for so long, so I crack my back with a sigh and enjoy hearing all the pops. I look at the time and see that only half an hour has passed. It's still bright out and warm outside. Maybe I'll go for a bike ride. With my mind made up I leave the house and let that small random dream/story world slip through the cracks. 

Maybe I'll see you around? 

           

Random Nonsense

    As soon as I my head hits the pillow I find myself falling into a deep sleep, which is unusual for me since I tend to lay awake for half an hour before I fall asleep. Even though I delved into sleep quickly I wasn't going to get any rest tonight.
    When I take a breath my nose identifies the smell of the gym where I train kung fu- sweat, tears and more sweat. The air is obnoxiously humid and my lungs strain to breath. I find myself in my black sweat pants with the bands at the end and a plain black t-shirt. It seems to be the middle of a lesson and the one teaching is Tomek. This surprises me greatly as the male hasn't been a teacher in the school for a couple of years, but I'm happy to be taking part in one of his lessons again so I listen to his commands.
    Jump, kick, run, punch, duck, block, run, kick, punch, block, duck. The punch that I was dodging suddenly increases in speed and feels almost malicious. I barely manage a doge and can feel the opponents knuckles scrap the side of my cheek. I glare at my partner to find it's my other teacher- Pawel. He stares at me deeply and I can feel the disappointment rolling off of him in waves. This irritates me to no end. What do you want from me? I ask, but he ignores me and starts to hit again.
    We begin sparring and I'm fighting as if my life depends on it. I never notice that suddenly the gym is empty and it's just the two of us. The disappointed teacher and the confused student. I try to ask him again, what do you expect from me? But again I'm met with silence and his glare seems to intensify. His hits become sharper and heavier. I'm no longer able to block, dodge all of them anymore, let alone get a hit in myself.
    Soon my arms are throbbing, each breath comes to me painfully slow and not quick enough. How long has this been going on? When will it stop? Why are you fighting me so intensely? What did I do that caused that disappointed look in your eyes? A moment of inattention is all it takes for a solid hit to get through my feeble defense and I laying on the ground coughing my guts out. My head is spinning and I can feel my teacher towering over me, his disappointment rolling off of him in waves. I'm still confused and  try to ask why but my friend Piotrek is suddenly by my side rubbing my back and trying to get me to stand. I ignore his frantic voice and stare at my teachers back as he walks out of the gym.
    I blink and my surroundings change in that instant. The stuffy gym I was in is now replaced by a huge, open concrete room. The back that was walking away is now a chest that's barely a few feet away. "Hey, are you alright?" I look up to find my trainer from parkour starring at me with a questioning look on his face and a hint of worry hidden in his eyes. I nod, because if I don't have to talk then I don't and stand taking a step back from him. He stands as well looks me over one more time, nods and then ruffles my hair, before moving on. I flinch at the contact and he just sighs exasperated, he's used to my flinching at physical touch, but that doesn't mean he's ok with it.
    Looking I find myself in movement arena, where I train parkour. There's music playing in the background and you can here kids laughter and the sound of feet hitting the ground. The area is brimming with life and it calms me, knowing that I'm no longer back there. I was no longer fighting for something. I follow the lesson and let my worries melt away, fade into the background. Here the only thing I needed to think about was putting one foot in front of the other and not falling on my face.
    The peace doesn't last long though as I feel a presence creep up beside me, breathing down my neck. Turing I find myself facing a black haired demon like creature. The scene I was in before has faded and I'm alone with him. We just stare at each other waiting to see who will make the first move. Eventually he opens his mouth to speak, but I already know what he wants to say. I know all of his plans and I'm so tired of hearing them over and over again, never getting to decide for myself.
    So I do what comes naturally to me and run from him. I know it's in vain, but I hate confrontation and I know he means well, but that doesn't mean that what he's doing is right. I don't know where I'm running, all I know is that I'm in a forest. Looking down I notice that my once black clothes are now completely white. It makes me sick just looking at myself and first chance I get I decide to toss them or change them in some way.
    The moment that thought passes through my mind I trip straight into mud and my mind calms knowing the white clothes are now a darker color. It panics again when I realize that I keep falling. My body starts to swim in a random direction, hoping to find the surface before I run out of air. Why do I always forget I'm dreaming? After what seems like an eternity I breach the surface and take in a huge gulp of air. Scrambling to get out of the mud/ water(?). It isn't until I've gotten out of the puddle that I notice the once dark brown color has changed into a deep red. My clothes once white, then brown are now a bloody red.
    The smell reaches me a second later and my body shivers. I feel death all around me. I'm afraid to look up, scared to see what's scattered around me, but I know I have to other wise I'll be stuck here forever. The sight that meets me makes me want to empty my stomach. My eyes tear up as I see the body of my family surrounding me. The look as if they've been mauled by a bear, almost unrecognizable, but I can tell.
    My mothers red hair, my father calm eyes, my brothers small form and the pile of black fur laying not to far away, along with another orange pile of fur near it. I stand wanting to get out. And I head towards the only door wishing to leave my old home. The one that was left behind with tears, the one that hosted my childhood.
    My hand is reaching for the knob, when a shout stops me. I turn around and find my brother staring at me from the other side of an open window. My heart does a flip as I notice this is my brother of 16, not my brother of 10 who is lying on the floor dead. He beckons to me saying, "You really don't want to open that door." Before walking off. I run after him, trusting his judgement. Climbing through the window I glance at my family one last time. This is the family that left america. It truly is dead. Glancing at the door I shiver, suddenly realizing who was on the other side.

Everyone I left behind. 

    With that I slipped through the window not looking back at the broken home. I try to look for my brother, but he seems to have completely disappeared. So I walk forward, since I'm surrounded by grey and everything looks the same in the distance.
    A shade suddenly pops into existence right before me and I stop staring at it in question. The form seems achingly familiar and it gives off a glow of warmth, kindness and love. I know it's her after seeing the shade smile. "Why won't you let me help you? Why won't you get professional help? Why do you keep so many secrets from me?" She says it in her calm yet pleading voice and my heart seems to be crying, but I smile sadly at her words and give the form a hug, before whispering something in her ear.
    The shade screams at me when I let go of the hug and start walking away. It's filed with anger and hate, demanding me to come back, to not give up, to not do this. Eventually though she quiets and all I hear is a whispered "Please," spoken so softly and with such emotion that my heart breaks. I leave a piece of it behind, to one of the people I care most about in this world.
    Soon I'm walking in silence and my surroundings change once again. My brothers back suddenly comes into view and I walk up to him and sit down. We're on top of a building, both of our feet are hanging off the side and we just sit there listening to the quiet. There's a city below us, but it's silent and seems to be a mix of an american city and a polish one.
    Finally he speaks, "You're going again, aren't you." It's phrased like a question, but it sounds like a statement. I only nod continuing to stare out at the city, ignoring the breaking of my heart. Another piece going to a precious person. My brother grumbles and pulls me into a tight hug, before standing and walking away. I watch his disappearing back and smile. He's going to be amazing one day, just like she is. Too bad I won't be able to see it.
    I smile a watery kind of smile, before taking a breath and letting my body fall. At first I'm falling with my back to the ground, but I rotate so that I'm falling head first. Even though this is terrifying I feel so calm and peaceful.
    I close my eyes and ignore the pain of my heart breaking into a dozen or so pieces, all of them are different sizes and each goes to someone that touched my life in some kind of way. With that I open my eyes, but before I reach the end my body dissolves and I'm just dust that's flowing with the wind.

That which comes from the earth must return to it eventually. 

          

Bed

    When I enter my lonely flat the first thing I do is lean against the door and sigh. Finally, I was finally back in my tiny, lovely cave. My week has been hectic and because of that I've barely gotten any sleep, but it's Friday and I can finally get some proper rest. I lock my door before slipping off my shoes and making my way to the kitchen. After staring at the inside of my empty fridge for two minutes my brain informs me that I have no food. A sigh escapes me. Just thinking about leaving my home makes me want to cry.
    Instead of doing the sensible thing and ordering food I decide to just make some tea. While waiting for the kettle to boil the water I stare out the kitchen window, contemplating everything and nothing at the same time. I really just want to sleep. Glancing at the clock tells me it's only after 18, too early to sleep. Yet I'm tempted to do so anyway.
    The kettle eventually comes to life and I pour the hot water over my mint tea. I cradle the cup and try to absorb as much warmth from it as I possibly can, while observing the outside world from my third story window.
    It's a fairly calm early evening. Most people are on there way home to their families and dinners, some could be heading to work their night jobs. Everyone just walks through the area some with more purpose than others. After a while my tea cools and I make my way to my bedroom.
    My bed, my cloud, my charger is calling out to me and after less then a second of hesitation I find myself stripping my jeans off and climbing in. I tuck the covers under me as if I were in a cocoon and then bury my head under as well. In a matter of moments I feel my breath even out and I give in to my exhaustion.
    For some reason I exit the wonderful zone of sleep, but my body is still paralyzed. What could have possibly woken me? I listen to try to figure it out, before I hear my name being called. 'Bell,' my brain supplies, before adding in 'Aster' a second later. How did they get in here? I locked the door. My brain informs me that I gave both of them a key to this place, not too long ago.
     Despite them being here I refused to get out of my cocoon, contempt to go back to sleep, this unfortunately doesn't happen though for a moment later I hear the door to my room open.
    "Nast?" I hear Aster say, before he seems to shuffle out of the room. If I had been looking I would have seen his sadistic grin, that translates he's going to mess with somebody. A few seconds later two pairs of feet walk into my room.
    Then suddenly my covers which held all of my warmth and were at that moment the most wonderful thing on the entire planet were snatched away from me. One of my arms reached out to try and get it back, but after grabbing at air it flopped back down. The two males snickered at my plight, so I finally opened my eyes and glared at them.
    "Wow," Bell spoke, "that's actually a pretty impressive glare.
    "Yup," added Aster popping the p, "But Bell's is scarier." He then plopped down right on top of me. It took Bell less than a second to join in and I found myself at the bottom of a dog pile.
    "Do, you guy's want to cave my rib cage in? You are both bigger than me and heavy." I scrambled trying to get free, but both boys just situated themselves on me as if I was a comfy couch.
    "Aww, thanks Nast." Bell spoke in a sickly sweet voice, "I've been trying to get my weight back up to normal recently. I'm so glad it seems to be working." With that he pushed down on me a bit harder. I really wanted to murder the two of them in that moment.
    I struggled in vain, trying to get free, but I was at a disadvantage and eventually I gave up. Finally the boys seemed to take pity on me and changed their positions, curling themselves around me. My back was to Bells chest with his arm around me and Aster. While the other blonde tangled our legs together and tucked my head under his and had his arm around the three of us as well.
    It was strange to be curled in-between these two, we never really cuddled. We honestly weren't much of the touchy feely type relationship, but we never really could be, not in the country we lived in. I sighed in contempt and relaxed, feeling the two do the same.

Since I had such a hectic week I never got the chance to see them. I didn't realize how much I missed them till now. 

     

Tales of the Black Devil

   It was a scorching hot summer day that time. the only people that ventured outside were those that had to, except for children of course. The young ones ran around in their underwear, while the teens decided to stay at the beach, trying to relax in the cool water. You could see the waves of heat lazily hanging in the air and no sea breeze could blow them away.
    So it was unsurprising to find young Radek inside his home, trying to relieve himself from the heat by sticking his head in the freezer. He was too lazy to go to the beach at the moment, but there really wasn't anything better to do. Resigning himself to a boring day he started to go to his room, but stopped when he heard the doorbell. Curious and hopeful he walked up to the door and opened it. On the other side he found his brother's friend Wojtek.
    "Hey Radek, your brother wouldn't happen to be home by any chance?" asked the older boy.
    "Nope, he went off somewhere early in the morning and I'm not sure when he'll be back."
    "Damn, well you wouldn't happen to be free at the moment? I could really use a set of hands."
    Radek thought it over for a second. 'It's not like I have anything better to do at the moment. Besides Wojtek's a pretty fun guy, so this could be interesting.' With those thoughts in mind he grabbed his worn shoes and asked "So what are we doing?"
    The older boy only smiled and spoke "Well we need at least two more sets of hands and then I'll explain."
    "You know the twins from down the street?"
    "The Paks?" The younger ebony boy nodded, "Yup, we've been drinking a few times. Those guys are a hoot when they down a bottle of 40%. Think they'll be able to help?"
    "Yup, they should be home."
    With that figured out the two young adults went down the road to go and get the twin Maks and Oliver, who were luckily just as bored as Radek and would gladly leave the house. The group made there way to Wojtek's sister's house and while walking there Wojtek explained what he needed help with.
    Well he needed extra hands to carry his sisters couch to her new apartment. Usually you just get a truck for an hour that way it's done without a fuss and that what his sister wanted him to do, but Wojtek thought differently. You see his sister trusted him, so she handed him a hundred and figured that would be enough to get a truck, but when Wojtek saw the money, well he couldn't help himself.
    So he made a plan, get some extra help, carry the couch across town and then buy some good cold alcohol to beat the summer heat. The couch wasn't that heavy, the distance was only about three kilometers, so he saw no problems with the plan.
    That's what he explain to the his three helpers and all of them readily agreed to the plan. So they started carrying the couch, two at each end, with little difficulty. After a while though Maks spoke up "I'm getting tired. Can we take a break?"
    "Sure," replied Wojtek and putting the couch down he noticed a store across from them. "I'll be right back." The rest of the group just sprawled out on the couch, ignoring the passing pedestrian as they openly stared at them. A few minutes later Wojtek was back carrying a nice, cold bottle of wine. "Something to motivate us to finish this job quicker," he smiled cockily and passed the bottle around. All of them took a swig and they kept passing it between the four of them until it was empty. Once the contents were gone they stood up and got back to work.
    And thus the pattern continue, when someone got tired they would ask for a break and each time a store just so happened to be nearby, resulting in Wojtek going to buy another cool bottle of wine. Soon the group got tipsy, yet they somehow managed to continue carrying the couch. Eventually thought they could no longer stand and they placed the couch down in front of a bricked building. It was pure luck that it happened to be where they were suppose to deliver the couch in the first place. Yet the state they were in left them completely unaware of their surroundings.
    Sarah happened upon them while walking out of her new building. It was a sight to behold. There right next to the entrance stood her worn, brown, leather couch and on her couch she found three passed out boys. She recognized all of them, as she had seen them hanging with her brother before, but she was surprised with their presence.
    The way they were sleeping/ passed out made her wish she had a camera. Radek was sprawled across the couch, laying on his belly with his face resting on one of the arm rests, but his feet were sliding off the other side and were now resting on the floor. One of the twins, she couldn't tell them apart, was laying in the vacated spot where Radek's feet once were with his own feet draped across Radek's back as if it were a coffee table. The final twin was propped up against Radek's hanging feet, looking like a giant rag doll.
    Walking closer to them she smelled there breaths and immediately figured out what happened. "It seems I just can't trust my brother," she sighed trying to see if he was somewhere nearby. She decided to try to wake one of the passed out males, but it seemed to be in vain, until Radek suddenly came to. He looked at her bleary eyed and confused. It took him a moment to understand what she was saying, but finally he responded, "Oh, Wojtek. He feel asleep on a bench somewhere along the way once the money was gone." With that he promptly fell asleep again.
    Sarah only sighed at her brothers antics, really the man was 26, yet he could come up with these crazy schemes. Being the caring older sister she was, she went off to find her drunk of a brother. She was never going to trust him with money again.

All the boys lay oblivious to her violent thoughts, enjoying the buzz they had and glad to have beaten the summer heat in there own way. 

      

The white room

    I've been in here for a while now, curled up in a ball, my head resting on my knees and my eyes vacant. This is not a dream, at least I don't think it is. I was awake when I first entered here,but now I might not be. I'm aware it makes little sense, but it's difficult to explain. I'm in a bare white room inside of my mindscape. It's fairly new and was created by me not that long ago, but I find myself using it more and more as of late. It's my bunker room, the one that locks me out of all my emotions while they run wild outside allowing me to feel numb for a while. I used to sit it out here until I calmed a bit and was able to function, now though I'm finding it difficult to leave.
    The numbness I feel here allows me to think somewhat clearly and the conclusion I'm coming to is not pleasant in any way. It makes me ache inside, but I really see no other way. I can't deal with all these feelings and this extra level of stress is killing me right now. How many times have I gone into a mini panic attack within the last two weeks? How many afternoons have I spent curled up in a corner trying to slow my breathing, trying to calm down only to fail and cry for an hour? I would want nothing more than to go to someone close to me and just curl up in their arms and for a few moments forget about these trouble, forget about these worries.
    There is no one I can go to anymore. Well that is a bit of a stretch, but those who I can go to can't help me. There is one person I should go to with this problem, but I can't go to him, because there's nothing that he can do. He can't cleanse me of my fears, my worries, my panic. He probably wouldn't understand my problem all that much to begin with, truth be told I don't understand it completely either. All I know is that if it ever happened I would contemplate about moving up that day. I'm so terrified of it happening. Just thinking about it now makes me want to curl in on myself and disappear forever.
    It's a natural process in life, that shouldn't be terror inducing, but just thinking about it makes me tremble. The fear consumes me whole and I forget to breath. That's why I'm here again in my white panic room, trying to block out the emotions inside me. Trying and failing to come up with a solution that does not end in sadness and pain. One that could very well lead down to that dark corridor again, the one that I was stuck in for two years of my life. I don't want to go back there, but I'm afraid I'll be too weak and once again there will be a reason I wear gloves on my hands, a purpose for their presence aside from being a reminder of that dark time.
    Damn it! It's been a year almost since I last picked up a knife and even thought about the act, but at this moment it calls to me. Whispers at the back of my mind, reminding me that it can help take off some of the stress. Relieve me and give me back some control. I'm done with it though. There's no way I'm going back to those days, I refuse to. I really don't want to. Those were such dark days.
The only other solution that comes to mind is just as unpleasant and it could also lead me down that dark corridor. Thing is this one would end in the sadness of two parties. I don't want to do that to him, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I would never want to cause him pain, yet here I am thinking about breaking his heart, because I'm not ready, because I'm too weak, too scared. I'm so fucking scared and I'm so tired of all of this.
    Why couldn't I have been born a boy? I wouldn't have to worry about this at all. At least in a much smaller way. It wouldn't bring me into a small panic induced state. It wouldn't cause me sleepless nights or terrible nightmares that I can never remember in the morning. It wouldn't leave me counting down to the day I once dreaded. It's now the day I'm looking for relief. Not sure if I can wait that long though I'm tempted to go out and buy a test. Sure it makes me seem like a paranoid mothertrucker, but at least it would calm me.
    What then though? Say I get my day of relief, I go through it's annoyances and continue on, but then what do we just stop? Because I can't hold up mentally? Because I'm so terrified of the consequences I can't function anymore? That wouldn't be far to him, so the most logical thing to do would be to end it, but I really don't want to.
    Is it selfish of me to keep someone in a relationship that isn't going somewhere? Yes, absolutely and positively yes. So the only thing for me to do is end it, but I don't want to. I don't want to, but I'm so scared of this stupid natural process that I can't go on like this. I'm not ready. I've pushed myself to try harder, to be more open with him to try new things, because I wanted to get over that fear. In the beginning I thought it had worked, after a few days I noticed a new wall had come up. This one wasn't the fear of the unknown, of the what ifs and so on. No, this wall had a clear purpose. It was a giant warning sign reminding me of the consequences of our actions. Even with protection there is that 2% chance that something could happen. It's such a small number, such a small possibility, but I'm terrified anyway.
    It makes me laugh at myself, because I've done stupid things that had higher percentage failure rates in the past, yet have done them with little thought about my safety. I guess this is different though, bodily harm to myself is not the same as this. This could change the dynamic of so many things and it involves something so innocent that I can't even comprehend.
    I just have to wait till that day of once annoyance now relief, wondering and hoping that my paranoia, my fear is just that. What then? I wish I had an answer to that. I really did, but all my solutions have terrible consequences and each of them are sad in their own right.

Maybe I'll see you around, but don't count on it. 

       

Garden Albino

    When I opened my eyes I felt weightless, as if I was in the air. Looking down I found that I was in the sky, but more precisely I was flying in the sky. Such a strange dream I think as I continue to soar through the clouds. Enjoying the wind wrap around my body and carry me endlessly forward. Despite my light hearted dream my conscious felt heavy and as soon as I registered this I felt myself fall. Where seconds ago I was soaring now I seemed to be falling.
    I wasn't scared though, for I knew this was a dream and no harm could come to me, physically at least. It seemed I was headed towards the sea. My nose only managed to recognize the salty smell before I was suddenly engulfed by the waves. My body seemed to weigh a ton as I just continued to sink. Fear started to settle in me and I had to remind myself that this was a dream and thus I could breath underwater. I closed my eyes for a moment to calm myself, remind myself that this was a dream and I could awaken at any time. When I opened them again I found myself surrounded by darkness. Still falling, although it only lasted for another moment.
    Suddenly my body seemed to smack into solid ground. The hit literally took my breath away and I found myself heaving on the floor.I must have fazed through the water. I wish I could wake up. Standing I started to walk in a random direction, humming to myself to pass the time. It took me a few moments to realize where I was. The sewers. The same sewers from one of my past dreams. I have to start running. Who knows how long I have till it starts chasing me again.
    My surroundings started to look familiar and I avoided looking at the ladder that would bring me to the stadium. It's just a dream, You'll be fine just keep running. I ignore the sounds starting up behind me. The hissing, that sounded like laughter. The shiver of fear crawling through me. Ignore it. Ignore it. None of this is real. Just keep running.
    Finally I happen upon an old metal door. Seeing no end to the sewers I chance the door and run through, only to find a huge garden. It was filled with fauna, flowers, trees and bushes. All of it overflowing, as if it was trying to consume the land. I started to make my way through it. There has to be a way out of here. I push through some bushes, acquiring a few cuts that I ignore, only to find myself in a clearing. That seemed to have no way out.
    No, no, no, no, no! There has to be a way out! I'm not going to let this thing defeat me again! Calm yourself. I took a deep breath and looked at my surroundings. What could I use to protect myself? The only thing I could find seemed to be a rose bush with long, thin, flexible vines and sharp thorns. I broke a few off. Ignoring the stinging in my hands and wrapped them around my fists. they weren't the best, but they would do. I closed my eyes and waited. It had the upper hand here despite its pale body, so I would wait for the snake. It's coming for me anyways.
    I waited till I heard the rustling of leaves and counted to three before sharply turning around punching whatever was behind me. Satisfaction ran through me as I heard a pained hiss. I only managed to catch a glimpse of its retreating tail though. So I closed my eyes again and waited. When I heard the rustling again I prepared myself  to strike once more. This time I missed and the attack came from the front, not the back. I muffled my scream as I felt the snake bite into my shoulder and I did my best to kick it off and give it a few punches. Again it retreated.
    I hate this cat and mouse game. Why can't I just wake up? I focused on the sounds around me, but instead of hissing I hear something worse- his voice. He's speaking to me! What no! He can't be here! Damn it not again! I won't let it end like this again. But I start to hear him scream and I can't stop myself from running towards that noise. This is of course it's plan and my downfall for as soon as I get to the edge of the clearing I find myself wrapped up in bone white coils with two pale eyes smirking back at me. His screams can be heard in the distance and I struggle against my binds. Forgetting that this is all a dream, a nightmare. That this isn't real. The last thing I hear is the crunching of bones and darkness consumes me again.
    My eyes snap open and I gasp for breath, struggling to sit upright, trying to remind myself that it was only a dream and that this is real. This is reality. I look to the sleeping body just feet away from me and my heart calms when I see his even breaths. My mind blocks the screams I heard moments before and I let out a breath. It was just a dream. I curl back under the covers and can't help but settle myself as close as possible to the body next to me. It isn't until I feel his heat that I'm fully calmed and I allow myself to relax.
    Do you know how many nightmare of mine you star in? Of course you don't, because I never tell you. I keep everything bottled up inside me, because I'm afraid of so many things.That monster that I'm running from and fighting is a personification of all those fears. It keeps me from being fully honest with you. It keeps me from allowing myself to touch you more. To hug you and kiss you whenever I wish. To just text you or talk to you. It, no I hold myself back because of this stupid fear. I wish I wasn't afraid.

 I'm such a coward.