The white room

    I've been in here for a while now, curled up in a ball, my head resting on my knees and my eyes vacant. This is not a dream, at least I don't think it is. I was awake when I first entered here,but now I might not be. I'm aware it makes little sense, but it's difficult to explain. I'm in a bare white room inside of my mindscape. It's fairly new and was created by me not that long ago, but I find myself using it more and more as of late. It's my bunker room, the one that locks me out of all my emotions while they run wild outside allowing me to feel numb for a while. I used to sit it out here until I calmed a bit and was able to function, now though I'm finding it difficult to leave.
    The numbness I feel here allows me to think somewhat clearly and the conclusion I'm coming to is not pleasant in any way. It makes me ache inside, but I really see no other way. I can't deal with all these feelings and this extra level of stress is killing me right now. How many times have I gone into a mini panic attack within the last two weeks? How many afternoons have I spent curled up in a corner trying to slow my breathing, trying to calm down only to fail and cry for an hour? I would want nothing more than to go to someone close to me and just curl up in their arms and for a few moments forget about these trouble, forget about these worries.
    There is no one I can go to anymore. Well that is a bit of a stretch, but those who I can go to can't help me. There is one person I should go to with this problem, but I can't go to him, because there's nothing that he can do. He can't cleanse me of my fears, my worries, my panic. He probably wouldn't understand my problem all that much to begin with, truth be told I don't understand it completely either. All I know is that if it ever happened I would contemplate about moving up that day. I'm so terrified of it happening. Just thinking about it now makes me want to curl in on myself and disappear forever.
    It's a natural process in life, that shouldn't be terror inducing, but just thinking about it makes me tremble. The fear consumes me whole and I forget to breath. That's why I'm here again in my white panic room, trying to block out the emotions inside me. Trying and failing to come up with a solution that does not end in sadness and pain. One that could very well lead down to that dark corridor again, the one that I was stuck in for two years of my life. I don't want to go back there, but I'm afraid I'll be too weak and once again there will be a reason I wear gloves on my hands, a purpose for their presence aside from being a reminder of that dark time.
    Damn it! It's been a year almost since I last picked up a knife and even thought about the act, but at this moment it calls to me. Whispers at the back of my mind, reminding me that it can help take off some of the stress. Relieve me and give me back some control. I'm done with it though. There's no way I'm going back to those days, I refuse to. I really don't want to. Those were such dark days.
The only other solution that comes to mind is just as unpleasant and it could also lead me down that dark corridor. Thing is this one would end in the sadness of two parties. I don't want to do that to him, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I would never want to cause him pain, yet here I am thinking about breaking his heart, because I'm not ready, because I'm too weak, too scared. I'm so fucking scared and I'm so tired of all of this.
    Why couldn't I have been born a boy? I wouldn't have to worry about this at all. At least in a much smaller way. It wouldn't bring me into a small panic induced state. It wouldn't cause me sleepless nights or terrible nightmares that I can never remember in the morning. It wouldn't leave me counting down to the day I once dreaded. It's now the day I'm looking for relief. Not sure if I can wait that long though I'm tempted to go out and buy a test. Sure it makes me seem like a paranoid mothertrucker, but at least it would calm me.
    What then though? Say I get my day of relief, I go through it's annoyances and continue on, but then what do we just stop? Because I can't hold up mentally? Because I'm so terrified of the consequences I can't function anymore? That wouldn't be far to him, so the most logical thing to do would be to end it, but I really don't want to.
    Is it selfish of me to keep someone in a relationship that isn't going somewhere? Yes, absolutely and positively yes. So the only thing for me to do is end it, but I don't want to. I don't want to, but I'm so scared of this stupid natural process that I can't go on like this. I'm not ready. I've pushed myself to try harder, to be more open with him to try new things, because I wanted to get over that fear. In the beginning I thought it had worked, after a few days I noticed a new wall had come up. This one wasn't the fear of the unknown, of the what ifs and so on. No, this wall had a clear purpose. It was a giant warning sign reminding me of the consequences of our actions. Even with protection there is that 2% chance that something could happen. It's such a small number, such a small possibility, but I'm terrified anyway.
    It makes me laugh at myself, because I've done stupid things that had higher percentage failure rates in the past, yet have done them with little thought about my safety. I guess this is different though, bodily harm to myself is not the same as this. This could change the dynamic of so many things and it involves something so innocent that I can't even comprehend.
    I just have to wait till that day of once annoyance now relief, wondering and hoping that my paranoia, my fear is just that. What then? I wish I had an answer to that. I really did, but all my solutions have terrible consequences and each of them are sad in their own right.

Maybe I'll see you around, but don't count on it.