Life's Frustrations

   I have recently come to a dilemma and am still unsure as to what I should do. At the moment I'm really bored. Extremely so. My father offered to buy me a new tickets so I can come home earlier and not miss a few days of school. At first I declined, because there were still things I wanted to do, but now after a few days have passed I'm starting to reconsider. I don't enjoy sitting at home for 8 or so hours alone while my brother is at school and my mother at work. It gets so lonely with barely anything to do there. My only options are reading, writing, and playing pokemon. You can only do that for so long. I can't go on the internet unless I go somewhere, which is really tiresome, because I don't enjoy people asking me why I'm not at school. So I thought it out and wrote to my father asking him if it would be really expensive to overbook my ticket or something like that. 

   I just hope when I tell my mother, if I do leave early that she won't be angry with me. It's annoying and I'm getting sick of constantly beating around the bush with her and others. It's difficult and annoying trying to hold my tongue, making sure my face is neutral or showing the right expression. It's just so frustrating! That along with the constant boredom penetrating my brain and I'm not sure how long it takes before I crack.

   I wonder if I do crack will I go insane or just become a bit darker. I already know I'm a bit jaded and my mother is aware of it to a degree,  but it's so small she probably thinks it's dark humor. I wouldn't  be surprised. I seem to have masks on even with family, although they do come off more often then they do when I'm in public or in a strangely good mood. I tend to just go with my emotions, but I can suppress them to a degree. It helps to keep my mind occupied, but reading doesn't always work since it's like second nature for me now. And I never seem to be able to watch tv for long periods of time anymore, unless it's informative or a really good mystery. 

   I'm slowly changing and it's interesting, but at the same time frustrating. It's probably because I'm a teen and in a few years time I should be done. My hormones will stop partying and I'll be more in control, hopefully. But I still feel like I'm missing something and I just don't know what it is! I feel empty inside this empty apartment. I hate it. I just want to return, but I can't. At least not yet. Luckily school will start up for me soon and I should be able to keep my mind focused on that for most of the year, but who knows my mind doesn't always wish to cooperate and it goes off on it's own. One day I hope to find what I'm looking for, but for now....

I guess, I'll see you around.

Life's Emotions

   I'm at that age where I'm a tornado of emotions. One minute I'm happy, the next angry, after that I'm sad and so on and so on. I'm probably a downright prat to most people, although I've had enough practice that I can keep a neutral face in public. Thanks to it people tend to shy away from me seeing the dead look in my eyes as I pass them. If my family or friends saw it though I think they might be frightened by it and I wouldn't be surprised. The expression looks foreign on my annoyingly childlike face. It'd be interesting to hear what peoples thoughts are when passing them. Just a few sentences that give you a general idea of whats going on in there. Even if it is a rude and an invasion of someone's privacy.

    Back to emotions though. I've been trying to figure out this one. I've been feeling it at the moment for a while and I can't understand what it is. I feel a pain in my chest and my mind is numb. I'm sluggish and I have to force myself to do anything. I want to just lay around and do nothing, but then I get annoyed at my laziness and seem to get angrier at myself. Maybe it's me wanting to go back. I'm sick of this place and this feeling of nothingness. I know I don't belong here, I can feel it in my bones. I hate the feeling. I got it a few days after coming here when we drove past our old house. I had this huge bout of nostalgia that it almost made me cry. I was completely consumed by the emotion and it was the focus of my time for the next few days.

   It helped when I saw my friend again. She welcomed me back as if we saw each other yesterday, but that was it.   After that I still felt this pain while there. I don't belong here. It's a constant thought. It plagues me. I really hope that when I return it goes away,but I don't think it will. It'll always be there in some way whenever I look across from my room and see the empty one. The one that's suddenly void of life. The one where just a few months ago had a constant, annoying, yet friendly companion who always took my shit. I'll miss him dearly.

   I think this is the first time I've ever even acknowledged these thoughts. I won't admit them out loud though, never. I've cried more than enough this summer and I'm sick of it. I need to practice meditation again so I can slowly lock up my emotions. That's what's causing me my problems. Then I'll slowly drift away, so that I'm forgotten. After all his life will slowly start back up again and I'll fall slowly into the monotony of mine again. Keep my schedule busy and I'll rarely have to think about such things.

   I wish it was raining or at least cloudy. I want to see grey and this sunny blue sky isn't making me feel any better. It's only causing me pain and sadness at the moment. I wish I had my knife, but at the same time I don't. I wish to feel pain, but I don't want even more scars to show my sadness. My Weakness. I started this to help get my mind off everything. To lighten the load off my shoulders a bit. It usually helps, but the empty house is probably burning a hole into my heart and maybe that's the reason. I only have 12 more days left till I leave. I just have to last these last few days then I can lock up myself for a little while. Forget everything. Bury it deep inside and only expose it to the world here. My family won't know this is me. I doubt they know such a sight exist and even if they did they are unaware that I write here.

   What soothes you. For me it's dark clothing-black, grey, mahogany are some of my constants. It helps that people tend to avoid those who wear black, because of stereotypes. Even if it does cause me trouble in school. Making it hard to find friends, but I don't mind. After all that makes annoying pricks less inclined to speak to the girl in black.

Maybe I'll see you around. 

Life's drifting thoughts

Blue skies, I love those blue skies

I love those bright blue days, everyday.

Blue skies, I miss those blue skies

I miss the blue days, all the time.

   This is a song I occasionally sing to myself when walking home from school. I made it up one day when I was walking home, because I was lonely. I missed my best friend and this little song was thought up for her. Although I've come to realize that 'blue skies' or 'blue days' can have a number of meanings depending on my mood. Sometimes it's my wish to redo my whole life or to go back to the times my parents never fought. When life was in my opinion perfect. 

   Sometimes I miss being ignorant. I'll daydream every once in a while and imagine myself as a young child. Constantly laughing, running around and causing trouble. Those were the days of blissful ignorance, but I know that this thinking is wrong. You can't focus on the past. The past is there to learn from. You glean information from it, whether it's about your life, someone elses life or a disaster/war. That's why historians are important. They learn what civilizations did wrong. They try to understand how they survived, coming up with thousands of theories. Scientists are similar, but most look at how the world, earth, universe works now. Not all scientist are like this, but most. This is of course my opinion and anyone has a right to disagree.

   There are some people though, who become fixated on the past and they forget that life is constantly moving forward. Time doesn't stop. Organisms are constantly evolving. Humans are frequently coming out with new inventions. For better or worst everything is always changing. Some ancient philosophers would disagree with this theory saying everything is the same it's just changing shape, but that's to difficult for me to imagine.

Another song I've kind of thought up goes like this, although it has nothing to do with the earlier subject.

I've got my blue jeans and old hat. 

I'm ready to go and never come back.

There's just one thing I've got to know,

Will you miss me when I go?

   I came up with this when I was playing the piano and my dad was teaching me this blues piece. It kind of sung to my soul and I was quite happy playing it. I haven't mastered the song yet, but I'm practicing and hopefully one day I'll be able to play it fully.This song kind of talks about my dream. I wish to escape from everything I know, but at the same time the people I met will be kept close to my heart and I can't help, but wonder if they will miss me if I never see them again. 

   I got this feeling with my cousins recently. We aren't really close at least not anymore. When we were younger we were inseparable, but now it's almost like we're strangers and the only thing connecting us is blood. I said goodbye to them when we were leaving from vacation and at the last minute I told my cousin the one closest in age to me- "Good luck with your life." I think he was confused, because he paused for a second than just said thanks. Maybe this feeling is wrong, but I can't help but feel that I won't see him again for a few years again. It's sad. The fact that I just can't stay close to my family, because I just push them away with my cold and aloof attitude, even though deep down I'm screaming at myself.

It infuriates me- my behavior, but I don't keep it bottled up. I left myself go through my writing. The way I wished I had acted is written down. The situations are a bit different, but the gist of it is the same. I think everyone has this at least occasionally. Where they wished they had acted differently. Where they wish they were different. Whether they want to be stronger, more open, happier, friendlier or other traits. Many people wish they were different in some way shape of form. That's just the way it works. People constantly strive for something better material or not. It's what many people call progress, but I call it self loathing or greed. 

It's sad this world we live in, striving to be perfect even though we know that such a thing doesn't exist. We ourselves create perfect beings so that we have something to strive towards. Whether it's to serve that being, get into his good graces or become a part of him. It gives people some kind of purpose to their lives, no matter how strange I believe it to be. Many people would probably say I'm going to hell and I most likely am if it exists, but I personally hope to return to my star. There's so few of them lately. It's really sad and I can't help, but feel lonely when I look up into the night sky. 

Well, I guess I'll see ya around. 

Following the wind

I have concluded that this summer I have spent almost 24 hours on a plane and that's not even including my 12 hour plane ride to get back home. Which may I inform you will be soon! I'm finally getting to go home, but can I really call it home? I've been thinking about that word a lot lately- home. Home as a noun has more then 10 definitions.

1. A place where one lives; a residence.

2. The physical structure within which one lives, such as a house or apartment.

3. A dwelling place together with the family or social unit that occupies it; a household.

4.

   a. An environment offering security and happiness.

   b. A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin.

5. The place, such as a country or town, where one was born or has lived for a long period.

6. The native habitat, as of a plant or animal.

7. The place where something is discovered, founded, developed, or promoted; a source.

8. A headquarters; a home base.

9.

   a. Baseball Home plate.

   b. Games Home base.

10. An institution where people are cared for: a home for the elderly.

11. Computer Science

   a. The starting position of the cursor on a text-based computer display, usually in the upper left corner of the screen.

   b. A starting position within a computer application, such as the beginning of a line, file, or screen or the top of a chart or list.

 

Now all of these definitions are correct, but when I think of the word home def. number 4 pops into my head. A place where I feel happy, safe, comfortable. I used to think that was with my family. My home. It didn't matter where I was as long as I was with my family, but now it's different. I can't help but want to escape from my family. Hide from them and disappear after I finish college and move out. I'm not sure if it's just a faze, but that's what I've been feeling. I feel as if I'll never grow up or learn to be responsible unless I have to care for myself. As long as I have to depend on my parents in some way I'll always be a child. 

 

It frustrates me so much and at this moment I can't help but feel like I'm being held back, but by who I'm not sure. It could be my parent's, my brother, my situation or myself. I want to open up and change, but I know I can't do that now- be selfish. Now I have to play the part of a good daughter, even if I'm not playing it perfectly. Just smile and try to hide the darkness in your eyes. Pretend that everything is ok, even if it's not, because that's life. 

 

I've noticed that I have been saying a phrase to people a lot lately. I'm not sure where I got it from or if it's my own personal type of philosophy, but it goes like this- "Life has to be tough or else it'll be boring." I wonder how many people could agree with this, but lately this is what keeps me moving towards my goal- to find my home. 

 

My goal in life right now is to find my place in the world. I'm looking for something that will make me feel like I'm important, needed, wanted. I want to desperately search for this place called home. Whether it's a person, a club, a group of people, a house, a certain town or country it could be anything. It doesn't have to be physical, just someplace I can feel happy and not just content, because that's all I feel occasionally contentedness. Although I've given myself a time limit for this self-centered  purpose of mine. If I am unable to find what I am looking for by the time I reach my golden birthday, well by the end of that year I think I'll be done. You could call this the cowards way to go or giving up, but I don't really care. I'm just tired and my will is weak.

Guess, I'll see ya around.

Life's Stresses

   Stress one of the most annoying things in the world. It can be the cause for diseases, sickness, mental breakdowns and many many more!! Isn't that just splendid? I sometimes wonder if it can cause cancer to form in the brain or tumors. It's just terrible and I hate it! When I was younger I couldn't tell if I was stressed. I had and still have trouble understanding my own emotions. Why is it so hard? Is it because I can't look at the situation objectively?
   You see my father called today. Asking how it was going and I was super nervous, because I wrote him an email which I poured my soul into. I gave him my thoughts about our situation. So I was scared that he'd be angry at me, but he didn't get it. Fucking Yahoo didn't get my email!! I was so worried about what he'd say and nothing. So I tried to explain what it said, but I just got so tongue tied  and frustrated that I ended up making a fool of myself. It's just so frustrating! I can never say my mind. I always stutter or get stuck on words. My brain is a bit slow, but it works. It's easier to express myself when I write. I can think about what I want to say and I don't have to worry about anyone sneering at me. Making me feel smaller then I already am.
   Sigh, it doesn't help that my mothers disappointed in me. I felt like a stranger last night when we were all eating dinner. There we are sitting at the table eating tacos and I can't help, but feel out of place. Like I don't belong where I am. I just want to go home. I don't feel completely at ease there, but it's not as pronounced as it is here. It doesn't help that I feel like a complete disgrace. Like dirt or a bug. Like a tool that gathering dust.
   I wish it was possible to lock up emotions. To completely close them into the back of your mind. Whenever I meditate I imagine locking my emotions in a box. Turning the key in the lock and throwing it away. Sometimes it helps keep them at bey, but not always. Maybe over time they'll slowly go away. I'll soon forget what sadness, happiness, stress, relief, misery feels like. The only thing I'd have left would be numbness. I couldn't get hurt and I'd be left alone.
    Because that's what I plan to do. Disappear. I think after a year my parents would forget about me or I'd just pop into their heads every few months. I'm easy to over look, even now. It's a great asset, but sometimes I can't help but feel lonely and wish that someone would see me, but doesn't everybody want that. Someone to see them.

Some people crave solitude, but no one can withstand it. 

Guess, I'll see ya around.

What Life's been up to

   Well it's been uh... how many months since I've last written 8. Yes, 8 months have passed since my last measly vlogpost. Why did I stop writing? I guess I just forgot. Or life got too stressful. Ya, I guess it's that one.
   You see my parents split in February, but only physically on paper they're still a married couple. They don't want to go through all the legal stuff to get a divorce so just went there separate ways. Now my mom left at the end of February, great birthday present thanks. She moved to another country, back to where we used to live. Now I can say I saw this coming and was just waiting till the bomb dropped, till my parents were so sick of each other that one left. You can call me heartless go ahead, because it definitely seems like I am. Seriously what kid waits for there parents to split? Well listen, or read really, here the reason I wanted them to split was because of  the fighting and yelling. My brother and I would have to be careful what we talked about, because almost anything could invoke a rant from my mother and she was even worse when she consumed alcohol. I could see my mother was miserable here and that her and my father were drifting apart.   So we waited, my brother and I until one day my mother took me out of the house bought me ice cream then told me 'I'm leaving.' And in two months time she was gone.
   In that time my brother and I lost a bit of childish innocence. I'm angry that my brother had to go through such an ordeal. That his memories are tainted with fights and yelling. He's not that young, just became a teenager recently, but I'm still protective of him.
  Now as soon as my mother left another war started. I like to call it a "tug-of-war", because in reality thats what it was and still is. My parents were fighting over us. Who gets to keep us. Where do we get to live and all that. It's pretty even on both sides, because my mother is perfectly able to care for us, just like my father. And ever since we came to my mothers place for vacation they have been exchanging emails about who gets to keep my brother. I already told my mother that I'm going back and nothing she can do will stop me. I'm almost an adult and she may not like it, but oh well. I just wish she would respect my opinion and leave it be, but no. She has to constantly bring up the subject trying to lure me in. She just doesn't understand that I'm not attached to this place anymore. Sure, I've got a family and a few friends here, but I feel like a foreigner whenever I walk around the city. When I lived here I was more innocent less tainted. I never had the thoughts that I have now. I was less broken.
  Well, because of my decision my parents are fighting over my brother. Sending emails to each other as to why he should stay or go back. I saw a few of them. My father wanted me to know what was going on. So I read them and couldn't help, but see how childish they were acting. There emails were filled with sound arguments. Both giving key points, but they couldn't come to an agreement. So it went back to them ignoring each others existence and both telling my brother he's either coming home or staying here.
   Now I was sick of this. The pressure I was feeling from them and around me. I could tell my brother would be consumed by it to so I wrote an email. It was filled with my thoughts about what I think about the argument going on with my parents. So I sat down and wrote an email to my father telling him that my brother should stay with my mother while I come back. I gave arguments as to why that is and my thoughts about my parents arguments and the like. I kind of spilled out my soul in it, because once I started writing I couldn't stop until I had gotten my point across. When I finished I felt as if the weight was lifted from my shoulds that I didn't know was there,but at the same time I felt like a terrible person, because I condemned my brother.  I don't know if my dad will take my arguments into consideration I haven't received a reply from him, but I hope he does. I'm just so sick and tired of this fighting. I want it all to end.
  As for my brother I know once he finds out that he'll hate me. That I left him here, because that's what it'll be. You see we've had the conversation before. We're pretty close to each other ever since the move. He doesn't really have friends where we live now and the only reason he wants to go back is because I am. At least that what he says. So I can't help, but feel like a god awful person at the moment condemning my brother like I am.
  I just want this all to end. I know a lot of kids have gone through something like this. Many probably have it ten times worse then me, but I can't hep but feel sad and tired. I just want everything to be over with, but it can't be. Not that quickly. It'd be too easy and life can't be easy or it will be boring. Well I spilled my soul guess, I'll see ya around.