I guess I'm just on edge. I'm terrified of this semester in school. It seems so much like I don't belong there. I am not a good programmer, hell I don't even really see myself as one. I don't code in my time off, pretty much only do it for school and even then it's usually the bare minimum. Some lines of code are borrowed from online, others my friends give me. If someone tried to have an honest nerd talk with me on the subject they'd be thoroughly disappointed. I hate to say this, but I've come to fear programming. And it's all my fault.
I don't study it in my off time, nor do I get super absorbed by it. Instead I'm terrified of making a proper program, one that's esthetically pleasing and doesn't take up unnecessary memory, something that isn't written in a simple text document and compiled through a linux terminal. That's not even mentioning all the things I don't understand. The language barrier is strong with this one. Most teachers introduce some material and it's go learn it online which is all english. So great for me, but than they start asking questions in polish and I don't really know what they're asking because really I taught myself the material in english not polish.
Although teaching myself the material is honestly laughable at best. It's more of a learn enough to make it sound like you know what it is. I don't feel comfortable, I feel lost as if everything were moving too fast. It's my fault for not constantly keeping up with the material, putting things off and doing everything, but the things you need to do. Or starting homework at 18, instead of 14 thus staying up till midnight or later. It's a cycle that I try to break and almost always lose to.
I used to be such a hard worker. I was one of those annoying kids that did their homework the day it was assigned so that I could get it done without a rush. Neat and tidy, my full effort. Now, well now it's just get it done, but only put enough effort in to pass. It's not particularly satisfying, but I have so much trouble forcing myself to sit down and just do the god damn thing. I feel like the first month of school is great, I keep up with the work flow and do well. Then the second month rolls around and I start to lag behind, before just slowly scrapping by.
It's only week five of fifteen and I'm already behind. This semester is looming over me and I can already feel my white hairs reappearing. I just want to give up, say fuck it I tried, I can't do this anymore. That's the thing though, did I really try? Maybe in the beginning, first semester definitely. Now though, now I just do what absolutely has to be done and thats it.
My mind has fallen into I just want to pass, get this degree, start working so I can be independent and than try to find some kind of happiness in my boring life.
Sorry, I was spoiled by Aster this weekend and now the emptiness is creeping back in. Stop fucking crying! I had a long school weekend this week, five whole days of freedom and I was suppose to use that time to catch up with school things, touch on C, C++ and SQL, but I did none of that. I saw Aster thursday and asked if he'd want to take come back with Bax (his dog) to my place so we can just see each other for two days straight. Cause he had school during the weekend, so I thought it'd be cool to get some extra time with him. He agreed, so at around midnight we left his place and drove back to mine, where we just went straight to bed.
It was a bit stressful cause we were both worried about Bax. He's prone to getting sick or hurt, I swear the dog inherited my clumsiness and Aster's looks, and since he's not that used to my place yet he gets stressed. He's familiar with my room, but because we tend to keep him locked up in it, with us, he gets stressed that he doesn't have the option to leave the room even though he knows he can. We know he stress poops, the runny kind, so we just keep my door closed so he doesn't go when we aren't aware. Keeping him cooped up isn't too great of an idea, but until we can trust him more, that's what we'll probably do.
Anyway, they come over stay the night. End up staying till like nine in the evening the next day, which was wonderful. I don't even remember what we did, aside from that, since it was such a tame day. To sum it up we just sort of hung out, slept till ten did our own things while sitting near each other, watched Bax. Helped my father with dinner, really boring domestic shit and I loved it.
Those two days were not the end of that though, oh no. What happens next I get to see Aster again the very next day. Well it's more like evening, but same shit different time. The boys felt like hanging out, so I offered up my place since my dad was cool with it. We made pizza, that tasted more like sponge cake, played games and talked it was fun and really chill. The best part Aster stayed over and stayed for most of the next day, he ditched classes because he'd already gone over the material.
So in total I got four days of Aster, including two nights which is more Aster time than I've gotten since September or maybe even August. Since that time it's mostly been once a week with an occasional sleepover here and there. Nothing too long, just to wash away my stress and receive my only hug for the week, get a reminder as to why I'm still here.
Sorry this is going to be such a bitchy thing to say, but since I've been spoiled over the four days now him not being here is harder than it should be. You don't realize how much something keeps you stable until it's gone. Fucking Jashin motherfucking damn it! It's not healthy to rely so much on a single human to help keep you stable. It down right shows how much I still struggle with my thoughts even though I express them more openly now.
I have a theory, I joke about death a lot in my group of friends. It's so normal that they don't even bat an eye at it anymore. Over the past few months though, Aster seems to have taken my death 'jokes' more seriously than ever before. Maybe he realized that even though I'm afraid I still don't want to be here anymore. That this silly game we have of him not giving me permission is stupid but I love it because it's just one more stupid fucking reason to keep moving forward. Because at least there's one person that's constantly saying no and threatening to bring you back to life if only to annoy you to death.
It's unhealthy how much I've come to rely on him. I keep repeating this over in this post, in my head, when I see him as if I were hoping that I'd just magically stop relying on him. Just poof the reliance is gone, but I just don't know how to do that. This place helps me keep my thoughts straight, my emotions from going haywire. He helps to remind me why I'm even bothering with all of this fucking bullshit. I just want to be done, but I want to be with him more, experience new things, go through rough times, argue, fight, make up, discover new things with him.
I hate this.
I hate myself.
I hate this feeling.
The emptiness always returns when he's gone and after four days with him it's hit me like a ton of bricks.
When someone who's had to leave people they care about, than people are taken from them, until finally the only one you have left stops treating you with care. When someone like that finds someone who likes them without being blood related, likes you knowing you aren't 100% there and actively remind you that they don't give you permission to die than it's hard not to get attached to someone like that.
This just turned into another long ass post. I'm crying again, because I don't know. I just, I don't really know. This is what happens when I feel safe and warm for four days straight. After it's gone the darkness just rears it's violent head. I'm done now, promise. Sorry for babbling.
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