It's been a bit of a time here in the good old home of (Insert Name Here). What I'm specifically referring to is last week. Holy shit did that happen?
First off a warning, because this is going to be a documentation of a single week, the fifth of March to the ninth specifically. These five fucking days were an emotional roller coaster for me and I feel it's probably going to be a good idea to write them down. Maybe try to process all the emotions I went through that time, because I sort of feel I swept them under the rug and am now ignoring them. And we all know what happens when you don't take care of your emotional problems in a timely matter.
Ya, so warning, LONG ASS POST. Don't read if you've got more interesting things to do.
Quick note on ECTS papers, here you don't pay for college, but if you don't pass a subject you have to pay to retake it. I hadn't passed an Assembly x86 class and one math class that I hadn't passed again. I was fairly calm, because I checked online and there was no limit to how many times you could repeat a class. Zin stands in line next to me and watches me play the switch, Ohing and ahing at the graphics on the tiny little thing. That one conversation has probably been one of our geekiest yet, and I fucking loved it. Meanwhile every time I looked up from playing another one of our friends kept making faces at us, that pretty much screamed NERDS.
Finally after about twenty minutes of waiting I get to go in to the secretary and as soon as she see's me she says "I saw you didn't pass the math class. I'm gonna have to wipe you from the register." These words completely shocked me, "What?" I say, but there was nothing like that written online. She explains to me that in general students can repeat classes as many times as they wish, except classes from the first semester. I'm almost hyperventilating at this point, because fuck I didn't think they'd kick me out. I'd already gone through a year and a half I didn't want to start all over again. I practically beg her, asking if there is any way I can continue studying. She thinks for a moment before calling out to the vice-Director who is sitting in the other room, asking her if she has a few moments to spare. The vice-director accepts and asks what the situation is. I explain and answer all her questions, what other classes I've failed, why I failed this one. I was very honest with that last one, explaining I thought I could learn the material on my own, since the professor who headed the exam was basing everything off the book he wrote.
She nodded and listened to me and after I finished talking she gave me three options: two of which involved starting school over from scratch again, which I was not about to do. The final one was going to the professor that failed me, explaining my situation and asking him if he would give me one more term to try to pass. I thanked her for her time and left the room.
Zin walks in right after me and two of our friends ask why that took so long. At this point my mind was going crazy, because I had no idea what was going to happen. Just processing this bomb shell was making my head spin. When they asked me, and I gave them a short version of what had transpired I completely lost my cool. I was having trouble holding back my tears, my voice and hands were shaking. Zin came out of the office right after and his face turned very serious when he saw me. I think I tried to just leave the conversation at that point saying I gotta go talk to the professor and just left, but Zin followed me.
He wouldn't leave and I couldn't keep my composure anymore, so I broke down into tears. Another human saw me cry, that streak has gone up by two within six months. Still I don't really remember what happened during this time. All I know is that I'm pretty sure I was almost constantly talking about random crap that's been bothering me or just festering in my mind. I do that a lot, actually pretty much every time I cry I end up talking aloud. Maybe it helps ground me, especially when I can't hug anyone and just hold on for dear life; Larkspur and Aster. So I did what I always do when I'm sad; cry, rage and hug myself. This entire thing happened in a school corridor that luckily didn't have many students in it at the time. Still after about ten minutes of crying and mindless talking, I calmed down.
Zin was there the whole time watching, talking and trying to point me to the positive thoughts. Which definitely helped a lot, he also forced me to go talk to the professor that failed me. Which thank the lord all mighty or whoever the fuck managed that for me, because after going over my exams and talking with me for a bit he decided to give me one final exam. On my worst area in math- Probability theory. Now after looking over my last exam he noticed that out of the four probability questions I only really touched one and didn't even get full points for it. So he said that this final exam will consist of four probability questions and in order to pass I needed to get at least two right.
I'm pretty sure I left that room in a daze, wondering how the fuck I was going to teach myself probability theory in less than three days. While at the same time I was overjoyed that I could still continue to be a student. I replay what happened to the ever present Zin and his reaction is great. I don't remember his exact words but it was something like "Super, than you just gotta study that and your good." Such a simple thing, as if it were that easy. Made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Still we parted with a promise. I promised to study, while he promised to check under my glove tomorrow under any means necessary.
I'm trying to remember what I felt that day, or that week in fact, but honestly I went through so many strong emotions in such a short time that I think I just suppressed everything once I found out I had one last shot. I didn't have time to think about anything too deep, I forgot about the what ifs and the maybes, all of that was buried deep within me while I focused on the task at hand- staying in school.
Now I have to be frank I didn't want to stay in school, because it's the right thing to do or because my family would be disappointed in me if I dropped out again. No, I have a very selfish reason for staying in school which is wanting to see my friends more. Zin and I, we've know each other for a year and we get along great, but we both know that if one of us were to stop going to school we probably wouldn't see each other much, if at all. There's also my one friend who's pretty much the only person I talk to in my group and he's amazing. He's finally opening up to me and we get along well. I want get to know him better. There's a couple of other people too. It's nice for the first time in a really long time I can just walk up to a lot of people and strike up a conversation. So ya, my reason for staying in school is super selfish, but I've been pretty starved for friendship these past few years. And after going to uni for the past year and a half, I made some friends all on my own. So is it wrong of me to have such a basic motivation to continue studying.
Who's Zin going to be honest to?
Who's going to make the shy guy smile.?
Who's going to talk to the silent one?
So many people I'm not ready to just stop seeing suddenly.
Is it wrong?
So wednesday the 7th rolls around and I'm once again at school. Trying to control my breathing and keep from having a panic attack. I kept frantically going over my notes, until finally I had to force myself to stop because my brain kept repeating 'Are you sure we know everything?!' Lets just say that when I sat down to write, my palms were sweaty and my hands were shaking. I took a few deep breaths to calm my mind and focus before I wrote something that could mentally break me if I didn't pass.
I'm going to be honest for a moment here. If I had failed that exam I'm not sure if I wouldn't have come home, written a final post and than never saw the light of day again. I know that, that wouldn't have been a good way out, but who knows what my emotionally broken mind would do. Less than a month ago I 'jokingly' said I wanted to jump off a building while talking to Aster (nothing new he's mostly aware of my suicidal thoughts), but after saying it at that moment I realized I really wanted it. It's only the third month of the year and I've already almost jumped twice. I'm starting to think I might actually have to go to a psychologist if this keeps up.
Still I'm writing this, so you know I passed. Congrats, you didn't have to go through an emotional roller coaster like I did! Still I remember sitting across from the professor while he graded and he was talking aloud and as soon as he said I got one right my brain latched onto that and just kept thinking 'just one more, just one fucking more and we've pulled this off.' My entire body was shaking at this point in time, my hands were covered in a layer of sweat as I held them in between my thighs so that the Prof wouldn't see how nervous I was. Still after that he started to say oh, oh and asked my why I did the next two question as I did them. I explained my reason and after thinking for a moment he exhaled and said the magic words. I'll pass you.
My heart dropped and in that moment it felt like a metric ton of weight lifted off my shoulders. He changed my grade in the system, I thanked him profusely and left. Relief, that's what I felt the moment I walked out those doors. While at the same time my brain supplied that we have a shit ton of stuff to do after that two day extravaganza. Not to mention that I had an obligatory lecture to go to. Still I had my switch on me and even though I was about 45 minutes late I still got checked for attendance and got to play breath of the wild for the other half of the lecture. Can't forget that I got to send one of my favorite text of all time to Zin, "Unfortunately it looks like you're gonna have to deal with me a little longer." Because you know I have to joke about a stressful situation, how else am I suppose to get over it?
My shy guy managed to find me after the lecture, I think he was actually worried since I sort of went MIA on him for two full days. Still I gave him a quick run down of what happened. He seemed surprised and relived, guess he was glad that he didn't have to start looking for a new friend. Still after that Zin and I ditched for about four hours, because after all the emotions I couldn't sit through four hours of lectures. So we relaxed and talked and were glad to put everything behind us.
After I got home that day my father came up to end our silent fuming, which I barely thought about during the past few days. When we talked and apologized he asked me how I'd been doing and I don't know why, but I decided to tell him what happened. Logically it'd make sense to just keep it to myself, but I told him. The look on his face at the end of that story was something akin to I just had a heart attack, but I also found out I won a million dollars. Still it was a week and at the end of it I went straight to Aster's house because I was done with the world at large. I just wanted to wrap myself around him and forget about everything I had just gone through.
I won't forget though. This is a reminder to never let it get to that. I also must say that everything that happened was my own fault. I let it get that far, because I didn't know. All of the people that took pity on stupid ol' me, well thank you for not just kicking you me out of uni and giving me one final chance. Professor that didn't fail me, I'm gonna try a little harder in school. Also would it be wrong to deliver flowers to the secretary and give the professor some good coffee? I kinda really want to do it, but I'm not sure if that would be wrong in any way.
Finally, cause really this thing is way too fucking long. Thanks Zin, for calling me again after that random ikea trip, for telling me not to give up and for being a kind, stubborn, asshole.
Enough with the sap, ugh.
Well that was me being a moron, cheers.
Nothing new here now, move along.
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