Just a dream - 2

    My mind is calm while I fall deeper into my dreamless sleep. And I can't help but snuggle into my warm sheets more. This peace doesn't last long though as I'm suddenly violently woken from my sleep when my phone goes off. I tumble from my cover, trying to untangle my feet and answer my phone. I glance at the clock to see it read 2:49 and wonder who in there right mind is calling me at this hour? "Hello," I yawn into the speaker phone not bothering to check caller ID, I'd chew the sucker out later for now my thoughts were only for my bed. "Hey, sorry I woke you." said a very familiar yet strange voice, I glance at the ID and find it to be Aster. It was strange, because we never call each other over the phone, so hearing his voice surprised me.
    "Aster, did something happen?" I asked honestly worried, his best friends birthday was today and I didn't expect him to contact me at all today.
    "Can I ask a favor?" He sounds sheepish and almost embarrassed, but I reply with a confirmation and wait for his favor. "Can I sleep at your house?" I'm honestly a bit surprised, but before I can reply he goes to explain himself, "It's just late and I'm super tired and I don't feel like walking home and the next bus is in an hour, but if it makes you uncomfortable than it's ok I can walk home. Never mind this was stupid sorry for waking you."
    This was all said so quickly that I needed a moment to register it and I quickly spoke up to keep him from hanging up."Aster, wait. It's ok." I stress the last part wanting to make sure that he knows I'm not upset with him or something. "You can sleep here, just text me when you're here so you don't wake my family."
    I can hear the amusement in his voice after he thanks me and say "You can open the doors now, but if you want I can text you first." This only causes me to roll my eyes at his silliness before hanging up and making my way to the front door. Unlocking it I find my Aster leaning against the rail and smiling like a loon, the alcohol must still be in his system, because his smiles were only ever that wide when he had something to drink. He hugs me and gives me a peck on the cheek, before trying to say something. I quickly shush him though, so he takes off his shoes and jacket and we make our way stealthily to my room.
    Once inside he hugs me again and leans his head against my shoulder while thanking me, I only smile and tell him to get off so I can find him some pj's to wear. It's a good thing I enjoy male and unisex clothes or else he'd have to sleep in his underwear, then again maybe he prefers that? I toss him a pair of green boxers and a black t-shirt that he dutifully puts on, while I turn around. We may be a couple, but we haven't gotten past first base and we weren't in a hurry.
    With that out of the way I thought about sleeping arangments, I could either put him in the office since there was a futon there or my brothers room. Although the second option wasn't the best idea, since that room was filled with dust. So I asked him where he'd prefer to sleep, he surprised me with his answer, "Can I sleep with you?"
    This was most definitely shocking and I had to ask him, "You mean you want to sleep in my twin sized bed with me?" At this I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow, "I don't think we can fit."
    "Please," he spoke and gave me the puppy dog eyes. Curse him and those eyes! Giving in I motioned to my bed and got in with him following after me. We somehow managed to fit and get comfortable enough to fall asleep in a mater of moments.
    When I awoke it was to the feeling of someone breathing lightly on my face and a heat next to my body. It took me a moment to realize Aster was in my bed and we seemed to be cuddling in a way. It was nice. Usually when I awaken on a weekend I tend to get out of bed immediately, this time though I couldn't help but snuggle into the body next to mine and fall back asleep for another hour.

It's Saturday and it's not like I have plans for today anyway.   

Push

I often find myself wishing that I was born in a different time, a simpler time. One where I don't have so many choices, one where the path seems to be so cloudy that even once you've made a decision you still doubt yourself. You still doubt whether or not what you are doing is right. It's why I love books where the main character seems to have a certain path set for him. They have their own destiny's that they can full fill. It helps them grow, mature and develop into this amazing person that you can't help but wish to be wish to become. It's easy for me to get sucked into a game where you have a clear cut goal and you know exactly what you have to do to achieve it. It's harder to complete something when your end goal is abstract or just not physical. My goal in life is to live a comfy and easy going life. One where I don't have to be too stressed about money or politics, one that allows me to just find and be myself to those I care about. It's simple enough honestly, but in this case the saying 'The simple things are usually the best,' well it doesn't apply here.
    I wish I was born as a boy in a far away time, where I could inherit my families business or become an apprentice to someone and learn from them until I could take care of myself. I think I'd be happier without all the extra stuff. All the doubts, thoughts about life, mysteries and questions that you'll probably never be able to answer. It makes living now more difficult.
    I sorta feel like a cat without an owner. Sure, I can live without one, but at the same time my life would be just a bit brighter with one. It makes me wish that my dad wasn't so ambitious. That he'd allow me to just quite and start at the bottom and slowly make my way up. I'd never get to the top, but I don't even want to get that high. Maybe if he pushed me and encouraged me I'd be able to get myself to do something, but he doesn't. He's just this big wall that blocks off a few paths that I can't take because he doesn't approve of them. Once I choose a path that is permitted the wall disappears and I'm to walk on my own. The first few steps tend to be the easiest, since they tend to be the most obvious, but after a while I get tired or bored and I start to look behind me wondering if any of the other paths were more interesting or the better choice. I'm left to my thoughts wondering what the hell am I doing with my life. No ones there to really give me a push and a few words of encouragement, to remind me that I can't turn back now or I'll never get anywhere with my life. I'll get stuck in that same place over and over again, until one day I won't be able to move, one day I'll just become an empty shell of a human being.
    My friends always laugh at me when I call other people humans instead of assigning them gender roles and one of my friends always asks if I don't see myself as a human. To which I always laugh and say I do, but don't bother explaining myself to them. How long till I stop feeling human? How long till I start to let those thought in. You know those thoughts, the ones at the back of your mind that will occasionally slip through at random moments in your life. The ones that remind you that your life has no purpose not really, aside from the obvious mate so that the human race doesn't go extinct. I feel like that trait has gone dormant in some, because of overpopulation. It has in me I think. I find no reason to settle down, marriage doesn't appeal to me. And the thought of having a child terrifies me to the very core. I have had panic attacks when people teased me about having a child. The very thought made me want to throw up and hide in my room till the end of my time. People say that will change when I find the one and all that bullshite, but really? I tend to have difficulty believing in that load of bull since there is no such thing as the one. That's enough of a digression I think...
    For some reason I'm starting over again, for the nth time and this will have to be my last, because if I can't bring myself to do something, then I think it could very well be the end. What's the point in trying to do anything else if your father won't allow you? Especially since he doesn't take an avid active interest in your life. Sure, he asks all the questions that he's suppose to 'hows school,' 'are you alright with funds,' 'are you feeling ok?' That's it though. I used to really enjoy the amount of freedom I have. It wasn't too much or to little and somehow I came out more whole then broken, even if there are a few scars. Now though when I could use some physical support, there's just no one there. I have all the spirit I need from Larkspur. She urges me to make the right decisons and helps me with all the emotional crap and I'm sure if there wasn't so much distance between us then she'd be smacking me every time I whined about a test or put off studying for to long. That's just the kind of person she is. It's strange to be asking for someone that is sorta like a mentor.
    When I first started kung fu there was a man there that lead the beginners class that wasn't one of the founders of the school, but he had been training for over ten years and seemed to enjoy teaching, so the founders gladly gave him the newbies class. I think it's thanks to him that I feel in love with martial arts. For the first time in ages I really enjoyed a physical activity. He showed me that not all sports are dull and boring, but can be very rewarding after a while. He was someone I aspired to become. The way he lead the class was just amazing and I always look back on those first few years with a found smile on my face. I say look back because he doesn't teach there anymore. My friend told me that he got into a fight with one of the founders and they stopped speaking to each other, so now he doesn't go to practices anymore. I've now noticed that the school that I go to is slowly changing and I don't really like the changes I see. I can't say they are bad changes it's just I find myself lacking something after training. Where before I tended to come home exhausted and completely satisfied, now more often then not I find myself going out of habit. Because what else am I suppose to do on a Friday evening when I don't have plans? That teacher motivated me in a way, he set a goal for me that I never said out loud. To one day be able to have an even spar with him. I never got that spar and now even though I still train and practice, I still feel empty at times.
    I guess this shows that it's easier for me when I can see my goal, even if it's in the distance. Now I've gotten to the point in my life where I wish my parents pushed me in some way. They only ever pushed me to go to swim classes cause my father said I had to know how to swim and my mother wanted me to do some sort of exercise. Maybe that's why sports are easier for me now, because that's what my parents pushed for. I can't live off of sports though, the body ages and it's a short career to begin with. Making me wonder why can't I bring myself to move forward? Stop reading fanfiction, stop watching hours of youtube videos, stop drawing for days on end, stop procrastinating.
    One of the fanfics I read left something in my mind. the main character was surrounded by amazing and powerful people, but they themselves were average, nothing to note about them honestly. One day they decided if they couldn't be a natural genius, then why not be a genius of hard work? I wish I had the resolve of that character.

Maybe I'll see you around, but don't count on it.   

I'll try to explain

    As the title says I'm gonna try to explain something here. This post is meant for pretty much the only person that reads these pointless rambles, my sister. Although I'll explain it as if I was writing to no one, so my usual method of blabbering without words.
    Ok, so I have a boyfriend/ partner/ male human/ significant other (? ), I don't really like any of those titles, so I'm just going to call him Aster. We've been going out for a few months now and honest to gods we haven't touched first base yet. You could define our relationship as taking it slow. I have to put it out there that I really don't mind this fact, honestly I'm glad we aren't moving too quickly because I'm a silly awkward moron. Although it's gotten to the point that I'm worried I might be ruining what I have with Aster, which saddens me because I've become attached to him. My inner doubts are holding me back and I really really hate myself for it. Why won't I just take his hand? Why can't I just snuggle up to him? Why is it so difficult just to kiss his cheek? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why,why!? I think I sorta know why, but still it's just ugh!!! I hate myself for always questioning any of my actions around him. I hate the fact that I have to try to convince myself that it's ok to take his hand or sit closer to him. He is after all my Aster. Yes, I'm being possessive, I told you I got attached and because of that now I'm filled with fear and I hate myself for it. Fear of him getting bored of me, finding me to clingy or annoying. I really don't want to hinder or bother him.
    I have this thing, it's weird, but I hate being a bother. I'm not sure why I have this or how this came to be. I don't remember having this trait before my move, but I have it now and sigh it makes my life a bit more difficult. It's just this compulsion where if I feel like I'm intruding or over stepping my bounds I will almost immediately make an excuse and leave or be an asshole and just disappear. Because of this I can come off as rude or mean at times, even though I'm really not trying to be. I just hate imposing on people and bothering them. I have to convince myself half the time that yes, it's ok to ask my grandma to fix a hole in my pants, because she likes sewing and she's never said no to me. I'm not sure why I'm so insecure sometimes when I have those days where I couldn't give a bigger fuck what people think of me and am myself. Whenever I go to Kung Fu I tend to be myself, teasing people, helping out the newbies and cracking a joke now and then. It's like that with Parkour recently as well, although I'm just starting to feel comfortable there so I'm still a bit closed off.
    When it comes to Aster I can be myself and I feel comfortable around him and at ease, its just when we get to more intimate things I tend to close up. I just freeze and get super flustered and I can never seem to be the one to initiate the contact. I remember the first time I asked to hold his hand. If it wasn't so out dark I'm sure he would have seen that my face was completely red. Before that though I spent a good hour trying to convince myself to ask him if I can take his hand.
    I don't know how to explain this and really I'm doing a terrible job at it, but I want to explain it, maybe figure it out. Get somewhere, but I just don't know how. I feel as if I'm wasting Asters time and it's crossed my mind to tell him that we should split, because I'm a bloody worthless human that just doesn't know what to do. I'm held back by fear, because all the other boys that I ever had a crush on shunned me or made fun of me or ridiculed me. Those that did like me in return were quick to stab me in the back or decided to tease me instead. They hurt me and put me off from being in a relationship with another human. When Aster asked me though, I took the plunge after taking in a huge gulp of air. I didn't hesitate when he asked me and was honestly overjoyed when he did. I had that silly goofy smile on my face for the next two days. My brain was on a high that someone has feeling for me and they aren't hurting me in some way.
    This thing between Aster and I, I want to continue to see where it goes. What can come of it? How will it turn out? But I'm not letting it, because I'm afraid and I can't break that fear for some goddamn reason. How the hell can I go and do jumps from poles that result in falls and bruises or spar with bare fists with people that have been training kung fu for over ten years, but be unable to get intimate with someone I care about? I know I flinch when someone will go in for a hug unexpectedly or when my mother goes to touch my face, but this is Aster and for some reason I just can't do it. I'm held back by fear. Fear of losing him, because I'm just so tired of losing people. Damn it I'm starting to tear up, guess I found my reason why. I don't want to suddenly lose him, because not only have I gotten attached, but I've already lost/ let go of so many people that I don't want to any more.
    My father told me that I shouldn't get too hung up on this relationship, since the first one is rarely the last one. When he first said that I agreed, but I said I'd enjoy as much of it while I could. There's no reason to think a relationship will end, because that's what's going to happen. Now I'm fixated on something that may or may not happen, because I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to go back to that time right after my brother went or when my mom left. That was a depressing place and I don't want to go back, I'm so afraid of falling back into old habits. I still wear my glove, but you can only see the scares if you know they are there.
    I'm a terrible human being. It makes me glad I won't be here forever. One less piece of trash in the world. Still doesn't change that I'm a coward that can't bring herself to take a chance. Take a small risk with someone I care about, because I'm afraid of the repercussions. Jashin fucking damn it!
    A while back I gave this blog to Larkspur, because I had closed off from her completely. I would rarely write to her, maybe once a month just to show that I was alive, but in all honesty I was the crappiest friend then. That was over two years ago. The only reason I know that is because I saved the comment Larkspur wrote to me when I shared this blog. I don't remember the conversation exactly, but we were writing to each other on facebook for the first time in a long while and I felt that if I didn't do something I would lose her forever. So I took a chance, either lose her now since I was closing off from her or lose her because of my fucked up thoughts. Amazingly she stayed and I'm ever so grateful for her support since. She has become my rock in my fickle little world and I try to be there for her as well.
    See, I can take a leap of faith! It's just why can't I seem to bring myself to do it here? I've been sitting at my comp for over two hours and I've just blabbered on and on. Not sure if I explained anything really, but I might try, maybe. Jashin damn it.          

Windowless Thoughts

    The teachers excited voices filters through the room as he blabbers on and on about the different types of oscillation. I know I should be listening, but I can't help but drown it all out as I stare out the window. The view was really quite pleasant and I found it unsurprising that many students were doing the same thing I was. Just last week our Professor poked fun at one of the students starring out the window. Walking up to him and crouching down so they were at eye level and then making 'ooohhh' and 'ahhhh' sounds. This caused all of those paying attention to let out a laugh. The Professor then smiled and went back to his lecture uncaring of the student that wasn't paying attention. He was probably glad the young adult wasn't talking with his friends and disturbing him.
     So I here I was staring out the window taking in the view from the main building of my campus. When you stared out the window you were greeted by a a blue, partially cloudy sky, which was a blessing for it had been raining everyday for the past week. Although judging by the strong wind it would be raining once again this evening. Looking at the ground I saw the bare brown trees lined on both sides of the narrow drive, with old bricked sidewalks on both sides as well. Cars were parked along the right side and you could see the students coming and going from the campus, either going right through the small park towards the opera and trains, left making there way through old styled bricked building that seemed to have been here just as long as our school, or straight towards the trams that you could easily see driving by. The main street was about 500 meters from our school, but thanks to the trees, park and houses our campus wasn't that noisy, you know if you didn't include the students chatter.
    The campus in general was massive, well at least to me, compared to some posh super rich/important school in the states or great britan it might be small, but comparing it to my friends it was down right huge. In a way it was amazing and looking at it from far away, it was hard to tell that this was a school. Many of the buildings were old and made from red brick, but luckily many of them were renovated so the classrooms were comfortable. There were a few newer buildings as well, but I didn't have any lessons in them, so I don't know what they look like aside from the outside. They definitely stand out from the old style buildings making the campus seem a little mismatched, but honestly it gave it an interesting feel to say the least. Each building had it's own surprises, little nooks and crannies. The main building even had a sleeping room, for the more exhausted students. One of the buildings had a dragon statue on the ceiling, another an old tower that had a secret entrance. It gave the campus a character that I enjoyed.
    This place is amazing and I'm so lucky to have been accepted here, but I'm also worried. I'm not sure if I'll make it. This university is great, but it's also known for letting in a shit ton of people and then half of that shit ton ends up giving up/failing after the first semester, some after the first year. It makes me wonder if I'm going to be part of that group or will I somehow be able to make it through. You are probably thinking, then you should study more that way you will pass for sure! It's not that easy for me. I have lots of long hours. The only days I have it light is Monday and Friday (sometimes). Whenever I come back Tuesday I'm dead tired and if I have to look at anything school related I want to throw up. The only thing I have the energy for on a Tuesday is training at 19:30. Wednesdays aren't much better I end at 15:00, which is nice, but I've been there is 7:30 and even with the two hour open window I come back eat take a nap and sometimes I can force myself to do something. 80% of the time I fail though, because Wednesday I have Math, Physics and Math (in that order), so I'm really not in the mood to do any of that. Pretty much all of my subjects consist of math and physics they just have different names. Thursdays are nice, cause I end at a normal time, but I'm often times tired from Tuesday and Wednesdays still, so I take a mental break. I always end up hating myself for not doing anything. How am I suppose to pass if I don't work at home?
    It's something I'm going to have to force myself to start doing or else I'll fail. The thing is failing isn't what scares me, I'm used to failure it doesn't faze me much anymore. What scares me is that I have no clue what to do with my life if I do fail. Do I just find a job and then start to fall into that boring monotone adult life that so many people complain about? I don't want that. That terrifies me to no end. I don't want to become one of those adults that just goes through life without living, but then again I only have till my golden year, so would it make more sense to give up now and then go live? If I got through uni then it would be so close, giving me barely any time, but what else am I suppose to do before then? Drop off the face of the planet and just see where life takes me?
    That would be cruel to those that care about me, even if I did send them letters every once in a while telling them I was alive and well. My sister would fall in a depression and at the same time be the most pissed off person in the world. She already has enough stress on her shoulders, so she honestly doesn't need any more. I'm not sure how my brother would react. I think he would close in on himself even more then he already is now. He's just starting to get over our past events, starting to make friends and act his age. I don't want to be that selfish. There's also my father who might have a breakdown if I were to suddenly leave. His life is finally starting to make sense again too. I also have these slowly budding feelings for Aster and I'm so curious as to where this could go, but I'm also terrified, because they leave me feeling vulnerable as well. So many factors to take in account and when I think about it not much time left.
    I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm so glad I've finished high school, but I'm not sure if I should be continuing my education or doing i don't know something!? There's also this thing with one of my masks. I based it of my fathers character, but added in some quirkiness. I often use it since people seem very comfortable around it, but because I use it so much it makes me wonder if I've lost myself. I think it's strong enough to hide me, but also shallow enough that I'm not completely lying to those around me.
    Sigh, I have so many thoughts going through my head at the moment and I just don't know what to do. I'm letting my father guide me, because I don't know what to do with myself, but at the same time I hate myself for it. I'm just frustrated even if no one can tell but me. That's probably also one of the reason I'm blabbering about everything and nothing. There's more I'd like to write, to get off my chest, but I think I've written more than enough for today.

So, maybe I'll see you around?  

Just a document

    Another new school, another new class. Sigh. It wasn't anything new for me. It was just tiring, troublesome and plain annoying. My first year of high school with my new class didn't go over all that well. Honestly, it was mostly my fault, I was just tired of trying. My last school sapped out all the energy I had and the fact that I was repeating again didn't make improve my mood much. So I said fuck them and this shit and just became this aloof persona to my classmates. I didn't do it on purpose, it just sorta happened. Mostly cause I started wearing only dark colors, I didn't talk unless spoken too and even then I said very little and honestly I was tired. The class I'd been put in was very childish and most of them seemed to think they were still in jr, high. Whenever I went to school I came back with a throbbing headache and questions. Was there any point in me going there? My whole first year was just a fucking waste of time. I needed it though, my last school was just the worst and they changed me, not for the better I might add. Let's just say I learned some life lessons a bit too early and because of that I became a bit jaded, broken, scared. I came out of it though, somehow I don't hate the world and all that is around me. Which is pretty amazing, cause my home life wasn't the best then either and that year it all just sorta blew up. That was the year my mom left, February 25th, thanks for the early birthday present mom.
    Anyway, I started writing this in order to document how I met someone that is slowly becoming special to me and this is what I end up writing? Sorry, to all the poor souls that read this. As I was saying during my first year of high school this person and I never spoke a word to each other, which I find hilarious. For three months I sat practically right behind him and never once did he say a word. Then I sat diagonally to him for the rest of my high school years. Let's just say I'm pretty sure we never spoke to each other during my first year, which is quite surprising considering our class consisted of 32 or so people. We didn't actually start to speak to each other until about half way through 2nd year and by then I had made two school friends that I talked with regularly and walked home with. This person, I'm gonna call him Aster from now on, would sometimes walk with us if he missed his bus or wasn't on his bike, so contact was made! I was just happy to talk with someone else besides my friend Anna and Mati. Sometimes they would get into random arguments over the silliest of things and sigh, well it was nice to have someone to fall back on. Although one time Aster got in on the argument too and it just blew out of proportions. When I noticed that I ditched ehm, sorry friends, but I'm not in the mood for your bullshit arguments. I question why one of our personality traits are arguing. It's just why, people, why? But I digress.
     So, basic contact was made, but we still really only talked whenever he ended up walking home with us. It wasn't until two months before the school year ended that we started talking more. You see we had a free period, because we were part of the small group of people that didn't take religion. And on mondays and tuesday we had a free period. Usually I would go to the library or when the weather was nice, outside. The others tended to sit in the cafeteria, which wasn't my cup of tea. It's strange, but for some reason I remember this memory so clearly. Physics had just ended and as usual it was boring and I was excited to get outside. So I made a quick get away for the stairs and it was there Aster caught me and asked where I was going. "Outside," was my only reply. "Can I come?" I gave him a surprised glance, but answered "Sure." This 'event' started it all. Its like when you have and avalanche and you have the first tumble/scream/rock that starts it off. Well this is what started it, because from than on every Monday and sometimes even Tuesday, he'd hang out with me during our free period. We didn't really have anything to do, so we talked and talked and talked. Honestly I don't remember what we talked about, probably about school, maybe video games occasionally, just random bullshit. This is embarrassing to say, but I always looked forward to those days, and the silly thing is I never really knew why. Me and emotions man, they just don't/can't communicate with each other. So, in basic human language this is where the crush started.
     Third year is where I fell. We again had two free periods on a Monday and Tuesday, although we didn't go for our last Monday class until the end of October, since it wasn't mandatory. So we would walk home together. We didn't click just like that, nope far from it. There were still days where Aster would choose to go hang out with the group in the cafeteria, those days I tended to ignore the sad feeling in my stomach. I was sad most of my second year of high school and dammit I was done being sad for a bit. One day he just started coming more often to the library, until he stopped going to the cafeteria altogether. I questioned why he did that, never aloud of course, but I always wondered, 'why would you go hang out with the weird girl of the class?' It's a question that I'm still curious as to its answer. Eventually we traded numbers, he asked, because I'm a scardy cat and somehow we started talking more then just during our free period or when we were going home. There were days where during break he'd come up to me and start a conversation or we'd sit at the same desk if our desk mates were gone. My last four months of high school were also my favorite out of all my years in high school. Those were the only days I looked forward to school. Those were the days our class became 90% integrated. I say 90%, because the other 10% just blew the rest off or only came to school when they had to. I enjoyed those days, despite the looming deadline of our matura test coming closer and closer. It was fun, school after a good four years of hell reminded me a bit of my jr. high days. Those days tend to bring a happy smile and sad looking eyes. Anyway, amazingly we still talked after high school, which I was happy about cause I though our friendship was going to be a high school only friendship. I have a few of those and it was nice to have an actual friend.
    Then the 'class' trip happened which I'm pretty sure I already giggled and wrote about that. Curse my bouts of creepy girlyness. Yup, just checked I wrote about the trip. So, ya all that happiness happened and on fathers day which is around the end of June Aster asked me to be his girlfriend. Sigh, yes the following day I smiled like a goof all day. My dad even asked if something was wrong. When I told him, he just asked "So you guys weren't one already?" Sigh. Why dad, why? To this day  he makes fun of the pace of our relationship, but I just tell him to shove it.
    Truth be told, I'm glad we aren't going to quickly. This is my first relationship and as I mentioned earlier me and emotions don't do well with each other. So all of this is really new territory for me. Aster knows this is my first time being with anyone and he also knows I'm broken, so he's taking it slow. There was a moment I was a bit frustrated with the pace, but I came to the conclusion that I don't mind it. I just enjoy spending time with him, whether it's only for 15 minutes or half a day I'm glade to get any time at all. I've been happy these past two months thanks to him. Which is a strange revelation to me, because I could only ever say I was content, but I'm actually sorta happy. All these feelings and emotions I'm getting are so strange and weird and scary, but they are also nice. Sometimes it feels like I have a fluffy blanket on me.
     It makes me wonder what he's feeling. I always want to ask, but that's an intrusion of privacy and maybe it's just too soon to ask. I still have so many questions I want to ask him. Wonder if I'll ever get to ask him?

Maybe I'll see you around? 

Just a dream

    It's dark, so dark... Why is it so dark?! I shout in my mind while I struggle and run, but from what, I really don't know. Finally after what seemed like an eternity plus one I see light and I push my body to it's limits. I need to get out, but where am I? Finally I run out of what seemed to be a never ending tunnel and collapse to the ground, trying to catch my breath. I know I'm not safe yet, but I just need a moment to catch my breath and then I'll continue moving forward.
    After a few minutes I stand to continue and I find a giant field before me. I turn to look for whatever is chasing me, but find the tunnel gone and I am in the middle of a grassy meadow. Naturally I find myself relaxing forgetting about the chase, forgetting about the thing chasing me, just for a few moments forgetting about everything. I prance through the field touching the long grass and smelling the flowers.
    Suddenly I find a camera in my hands, so naturally I start taking pictures of the nature around me. Oddly enough I hear nothing but the wind and see only vegetation, that is until I happen upon a snake bathing in the sun. A simple grass snake, who pays me no mind while I snap a quick picture of him and carry on. I'm not afraid per se of snakes, but they do intimidate me a bit. I continue along snapping pictures and enjoying the sun on my face.
    Oddly enough the only animals I find in the field are snakes and before long I find myself surround by hundreds of them. All different shapes and sizes, colors and species. It terrifies me as I watch them all slowly come closer. I try my hardest not to scream when they start to climb on to my body. It feels as if they are chaining me to the ground as they wrap themselves around my limbs. I understand why when I see a huge dark and tall shadow falling over me and I know that the thing that was chasing me earlier is back.
    As soon as this dawns on me I'm quickly struggling my way out of my sheets and find myself face-planting into the hardwood floor. It takes a couple of seconds for me to get my barrings, remind myself that, that was just a dream, I'm home and there are no snakes in the building (maybe). I shakily stand on me feet and make my way towards the bathroom, jumping slightly at any shadow that looks too snake like, god I'm such a coward. Once there I splash some water on my face and drink a bit from the faucet. I relax myself, allowing the coolness of the porcelain sink to remind me that, that was just a dream. Just a dream.
    I make my way back to the bedroom and curl up next the warmth on the bed, burying my face in his back, thankful for his presence, as it helps ground me in this strange world. It takes a matter of second for me to fall back into a dreamless sleep.
    When I awaken I find myself wrapped in his arms and unlike the snakes I feel safe and happy. I lay there for a few moments, enjoying the closeness that we rarely and yet constantly share. This is something I'm going to draw later, I think. Finally I sigh and slip myself out of his arms and out of the warm, comfy bed.
     It's only 9:30 I notice looking at the kitchen clock, so he'll be asleep for a while more. With that I decide to make my delicious, black, dark roast coffee and grab my sketch book while I wait for the water to boil. Once my coffee is done I cuddle the cup to my chest and try to absorb its heat, it's a cool autumn morning. Realizing the cup isn't supplying me with enough heat I grabbed a blanket and start sketching. I take my time drawing out a rough draft and then trying to make humanoid things come from it.
    I easily loose myself in the drawing and I'm only shaken out of my zen like state when he slides in next to me under the blanket and gives me a kiss to the cheek. For some reason this always makes my stomach flutter a bit. I'm handed a fresh cup of coffee, while he has some tea and we continue this relaxing silence. He, just as much as I, needs some time to wake up in the morning. Let's just say we aren't really morning people. So we just sit next to each other, enjoying the warmth between us and the peace.
    He eventually puts his head on my shoulder and watches me sketch. After a while I notice he's fallen back asleep, so I take the now cold tea out of his hands and place it on the table, careful so as not to disturb him. I glance at my drawing and see that it's finished, I look to the clock and see it's 11:23 and finally I look at Aster's sleeping form. A small smile naturally falls onto my face and I place a light kiss to his lips, before turning back to my sketchbook and starting a new drawing.

It's Sunday there's no reason to leave the house today anyway. 

    

Something to say

     I look upon the building that will be my home away from home for the next five years. It's an old red bricked building, but it looks some what cosy from the outside at least. Away from major streets with very little noise pollution and what seems to be a garden in the back.
     'Enough stalling,' I think making my way inside only to be greeted by an abundance of noise. 'These walls must be really thick if I was unable to hear any of this from the outside.' I shake my head making my way towards the stairs, 'It also explains why this is in such a remote location.'
    While on the staircase I do my best to avoid the rowdy college kids making there way through the building. Everyone seemed to be either exploring or meeting up with friends. 'I just want to get to my room,' I sigh again finally arriving on the third floor, somewhat amazed I hadn't managed to trip myself or someone else.
    'Now where is number 37?' I make an immediate left once I get off the stairs and end up making an almost full circle before finding my room. 'Should have made a right, well at least it's a corner room. Giving the illusion of more privacy.' I put in my keys and unlock the door and as a precaution knock before opening them. Since no one said anything I walk right in, only to stop dead in my tracks.
    There was a girl or more like a women standing near the only window in the tiny room. What surprised me though was my resemblance to her. She was obviously older, maybe in her final year, with scruffy short brown hair with blue tips. Her outfit consisted of dark grey pants, a black t-shirt with some silly drawing on it and a deep green bandanna around her neck. I unabashedly stared at her, until finally she broke the silence. "Hello, it's nice to meet you." She gave a small smile, but didn't extend her hand or give her name, so I just nodded my head and gave a small wave. 'Well this is going to be extremely weird.'
     "So, we are roommates for the year?" I ask as I set my stuff on the unclaimed bed.
     "Oh, no we aren't," the girl smiled sadly, "I'm just here to give you some advice to help you get through these next few years."
"Ugh, thanks I guess." Slightly irritated, 'I'm getting sick of people offering me friendly advice.'
    The women seems to sense my irritation as she gives me another smile, "Don't worry this won't take up any of your time and I won't be giving you some long winded speech about how great this school is. Besides your roommate can barge in at any moment and I'd hate to be interrupted." With this she gave a small wink and I just rolled my eyes, this only made the girl giggle as if my reaction was intended.
    Suddenly, the atmosphere turned serious and the girl looked straight into my eyes as she spoke. "These next few years are going to be tough. There will be moments where you want to give up and just go home. I understand that. You'll have days where you'll break down and do things that will make you hate yourself in the morning. I understand that too, I've gone through it all. Just remember to forgive yourself. Don't stay angry, sad or quiet the whole time. It will be ok. After these five years you will have just a few more amazing ones. The most important thing to remember is to explore, try new things and don't stay cooped up in here all the time. These next five years will be the most freedom filled, even if it won't feel like that sometimes, trust me they are. So use the freedom you have. Or else when the time comes you will regret it sorely."
     With that she gave a bitter smile and seemed to want to say something else, but was interrupted when another female barged into the room. I looked at the new girl and looked back to where the women was standing, only to find her gone. This puzzled me, but I didn't have a moment to linger on it for too long since my roommate immediately started talking to me.
    "Oh, hey! You must be my roommate! I'm Alex a second year. I hope we get along well." We shook hands after I introduced myself and then I started to unpack my things. Alex just ran back out into the hallway. 'Well she's full of energy, at least it won't be boring around here.'
    Literally a minute had passed before Alex barged in again grabbed my hand and started pulling me out of the room, "Come on we are going to get a beer with some of my friends." I shrug my shoulders and follow along, 'why not, it's not like we have classes tomorrow.' Unconsciously taking the strange woman's advice.