As the title says I'm gonna try to explain something here. This post is meant for pretty much the only person that reads these pointless rambles, my sister. Although I'll explain it as if I was writing to no one, so my usual method of blabbering without words.
Ok, so I have a boyfriend/ partner/ male human/ significant other (? ), I don't really like any of those titles, so I'm just going to call him Aster. We've been going out for a few months now and honest to gods we haven't touched first base yet. You could define our relationship as taking it slow. I have to put it out there that I really don't mind this fact, honestly I'm glad we aren't moving too quickly because I'm a silly awkward moron. Although it's gotten to the point that I'm worried I might be ruining what I have with Aster, which saddens me because I've become attached to him. My inner doubts are holding me back and I really really hate myself for it. Why won't I just take his hand? Why can't I just snuggle up to him? Why is it so difficult just to kiss his cheek? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why,why!? I think I sorta know why, but still it's just ugh!!! I hate myself for always questioning any of my actions around him. I hate the fact that I have to try to convince myself that it's ok to take his hand or sit closer to him. He is after all my Aster. Yes, I'm being possessive, I told you I got attached and because of that now I'm filled with fear and I hate myself for it. Fear of him getting bored of me, finding me to clingy or annoying. I really don't want to hinder or bother him.
I have this thing, it's weird, but I hate being a bother. I'm not sure why I have this or how this came to be. I don't remember having this trait before my move, but I have it now and sigh it makes my life a bit more difficult. It's just this compulsion where if I feel like I'm intruding or over stepping my bounds I will almost immediately make an excuse and leave or be an asshole and just disappear. Because of this I can come off as rude or mean at times, even though I'm really not trying to be. I just hate imposing on people and bothering them. I have to convince myself half the time that yes, it's ok to ask my grandma to fix a hole in my pants, because she likes sewing and she's never said no to me. I'm not sure why I'm so insecure sometimes when I have those days where I couldn't give a bigger fuck what people think of me and am myself. Whenever I go to Kung Fu I tend to be myself, teasing people, helping out the newbies and cracking a joke now and then. It's like that with Parkour recently as well, although I'm just starting to feel comfortable there so I'm still a bit closed off.
When it comes to Aster I can be myself and I feel comfortable around him and at ease, its just when we get to more intimate things I tend to close up. I just freeze and get super flustered and I can never seem to be the one to initiate the contact. I remember the first time I asked to hold his hand. If it wasn't so out dark I'm sure he would have seen that my face was completely red. Before that though I spent a good hour trying to convince myself to ask him if I can take his hand.
I don't know how to explain this and really I'm doing a terrible job at it, but I want to explain it, maybe figure it out. Get somewhere, but I just don't know how. I feel as if I'm wasting Asters time and it's crossed my mind to tell him that we should split, because I'm a bloody worthless human that just doesn't know what to do. I'm held back by fear, because all the other boys that I ever had a crush on shunned me or made fun of me or ridiculed me. Those that did like me in return were quick to stab me in the back or decided to tease me instead. They hurt me and put me off from being in a relationship with another human. When Aster asked me though, I took the plunge after taking in a huge gulp of air. I didn't hesitate when he asked me and was honestly overjoyed when he did. I had that silly goofy smile on my face for the next two days. My brain was on a high that someone has feeling for me and they aren't hurting me in some way.
This thing between Aster and I, I want to continue to see where it goes. What can come of it? How will it turn out? But I'm not letting it, because I'm afraid and I can't break that fear for some goddamn reason. How the hell can I go and do jumps from poles that result in falls and bruises or spar with bare fists with people that have been training kung fu for over ten years, but be unable to get intimate with someone I care about? I know I flinch when someone will go in for a hug unexpectedly or when my mother goes to touch my face, but this is Aster and for some reason I just can't do it. I'm held back by fear. Fear of losing him, because I'm just so tired of losing people. Damn it I'm starting to tear up, guess I found my reason why. I don't want to suddenly lose him, because not only have I gotten attached, but I've already lost/ let go of so many people that I don't want to any more.
My father told me that I shouldn't get too hung up on this relationship, since the first one is rarely the last one. When he first said that I agreed, but I said I'd enjoy as much of it while I could. There's no reason to think a relationship will end, because that's what's going to happen. Now I'm fixated on something that may or may not happen, because I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to go back to that time right after my brother went or when my mom left. That was a depressing place and I don't want to go back, I'm so afraid of falling back into old habits. I still wear my glove, but you can only see the scares if you know they are there.
I'm a terrible human being. It makes me glad I won't be here forever. One less piece of trash in the world. Still doesn't change that I'm a coward that can't bring herself to take a chance. Take a small risk with someone I care about, because I'm afraid of the repercussions. Jashin fucking damn it!
A while back I gave this blog to Larkspur, because I had closed off from her completely. I would rarely write to her, maybe once a month just to show that I was alive, but in all honesty I was the crappiest friend then. That was over two years ago. The only reason I know that is because I saved the comment Larkspur wrote to me when I shared this blog. I don't remember the conversation exactly, but we were writing to each other on facebook for the first time in a long while and I felt that if I didn't do something I would lose her forever. So I took a chance, either lose her now since I was closing off from her or lose her because of my fucked up thoughts. Amazingly she stayed and I'm ever so grateful for her support since. She has become my rock in my fickle little world and I try to be there for her as well.
See, I can take a leap of faith! It's just why can't I seem to bring myself to do it here? I've been sitting at my comp for over two hours and I've just blabbered on and on. Not sure if I explained anything really, but I might try, maybe. Jashin damn it.
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