Just a document

    Another new school, another new class. Sigh. It wasn't anything new for me. It was just tiring, troublesome and plain annoying. My first year of high school with my new class didn't go over all that well. Honestly, it was mostly my fault, I was just tired of trying. My last school sapped out all the energy I had and the fact that I was repeating again didn't make improve my mood much. So I said fuck them and this shit and just became this aloof persona to my classmates. I didn't do it on purpose, it just sorta happened. Mostly cause I started wearing only dark colors, I didn't talk unless spoken too and even then I said very little and honestly I was tired. The class I'd been put in was very childish and most of them seemed to think they were still in jr, high. Whenever I went to school I came back with a throbbing headache and questions. Was there any point in me going there? My whole first year was just a fucking waste of time. I needed it though, my last school was just the worst and they changed me, not for the better I might add. Let's just say I learned some life lessons a bit too early and because of that I became a bit jaded, broken, scared. I came out of it though, somehow I don't hate the world and all that is around me. Which is pretty amazing, cause my home life wasn't the best then either and that year it all just sorta blew up. That was the year my mom left, February 25th, thanks for the early birthday present mom.
    Anyway, I started writing this in order to document how I met someone that is slowly becoming special to me and this is what I end up writing? Sorry, to all the poor souls that read this. As I was saying during my first year of high school this person and I never spoke a word to each other, which I find hilarious. For three months I sat practically right behind him and never once did he say a word. Then I sat diagonally to him for the rest of my high school years. Let's just say I'm pretty sure we never spoke to each other during my first year, which is quite surprising considering our class consisted of 32 or so people. We didn't actually start to speak to each other until about half way through 2nd year and by then I had made two school friends that I talked with regularly and walked home with. This person, I'm gonna call him Aster from now on, would sometimes walk with us if he missed his bus or wasn't on his bike, so contact was made! I was just happy to talk with someone else besides my friend Anna and Mati. Sometimes they would get into random arguments over the silliest of things and sigh, well it was nice to have someone to fall back on. Although one time Aster got in on the argument too and it just blew out of proportions. When I noticed that I ditched ehm, sorry friends, but I'm not in the mood for your bullshit arguments. I question why one of our personality traits are arguing. It's just why, people, why? But I digress.
     So, basic contact was made, but we still really only talked whenever he ended up walking home with us. It wasn't until two months before the school year ended that we started talking more. You see we had a free period, because we were part of the small group of people that didn't take religion. And on mondays and tuesday we had a free period. Usually I would go to the library or when the weather was nice, outside. The others tended to sit in the cafeteria, which wasn't my cup of tea. It's strange, but for some reason I remember this memory so clearly. Physics had just ended and as usual it was boring and I was excited to get outside. So I made a quick get away for the stairs and it was there Aster caught me and asked where I was going. "Outside," was my only reply. "Can I come?" I gave him a surprised glance, but answered "Sure." This 'event' started it all. Its like when you have and avalanche and you have the first tumble/scream/rock that starts it off. Well this is what started it, because from than on every Monday and sometimes even Tuesday, he'd hang out with me during our free period. We didn't really have anything to do, so we talked and talked and talked. Honestly I don't remember what we talked about, probably about school, maybe video games occasionally, just random bullshit. This is embarrassing to say, but I always looked forward to those days, and the silly thing is I never really knew why. Me and emotions man, they just don't/can't communicate with each other. So, in basic human language this is where the crush started.
     Third year is where I fell. We again had two free periods on a Monday and Tuesday, although we didn't go for our last Monday class until the end of October, since it wasn't mandatory. So we would walk home together. We didn't click just like that, nope far from it. There were still days where Aster would choose to go hang out with the group in the cafeteria, those days I tended to ignore the sad feeling in my stomach. I was sad most of my second year of high school and dammit I was done being sad for a bit. One day he just started coming more often to the library, until he stopped going to the cafeteria altogether. I questioned why he did that, never aloud of course, but I always wondered, 'why would you go hang out with the weird girl of the class?' It's a question that I'm still curious as to its answer. Eventually we traded numbers, he asked, because I'm a scardy cat and somehow we started talking more then just during our free period or when we were going home. There were days where during break he'd come up to me and start a conversation or we'd sit at the same desk if our desk mates were gone. My last four months of high school were also my favorite out of all my years in high school. Those were the only days I looked forward to school. Those were the days our class became 90% integrated. I say 90%, because the other 10% just blew the rest off or only came to school when they had to. I enjoyed those days, despite the looming deadline of our matura test coming closer and closer. It was fun, school after a good four years of hell reminded me a bit of my jr. high days. Those days tend to bring a happy smile and sad looking eyes. Anyway, amazingly we still talked after high school, which I was happy about cause I though our friendship was going to be a high school only friendship. I have a few of those and it was nice to have an actual friend.
    Then the 'class' trip happened which I'm pretty sure I already giggled and wrote about that. Curse my bouts of creepy girlyness. Yup, just checked I wrote about the trip. So, ya all that happiness happened and on fathers day which is around the end of June Aster asked me to be his girlfriend. Sigh, yes the following day I smiled like a goof all day. My dad even asked if something was wrong. When I told him, he just asked "So you guys weren't one already?" Sigh. Why dad, why? To this day  he makes fun of the pace of our relationship, but I just tell him to shove it.
    Truth be told, I'm glad we aren't going to quickly. This is my first relationship and as I mentioned earlier me and emotions don't do well with each other. So all of this is really new territory for me. Aster knows this is my first time being with anyone and he also knows I'm broken, so he's taking it slow. There was a moment I was a bit frustrated with the pace, but I came to the conclusion that I don't mind it. I just enjoy spending time with him, whether it's only for 15 minutes or half a day I'm glade to get any time at all. I've been happy these past two months thanks to him. Which is a strange revelation to me, because I could only ever say I was content, but I'm actually sorta happy. All these feelings and emotions I'm getting are so strange and weird and scary, but they are also nice. Sometimes it feels like I have a fluffy blanket on me.
     It makes me wonder what he's feeling. I always want to ask, but that's an intrusion of privacy and maybe it's just too soon to ask. I still have so many questions I want to ask him. Wonder if I'll ever get to ask him?

Maybe I'll see you around?