So I here I was staring out the window taking in the view from the main building of my campus. When you stared out the window you were greeted by a a blue, partially cloudy sky, which was a blessing for it had been raining everyday for the past week. Although judging by the strong wind it would be raining once again this evening. Looking at the ground I saw the bare brown trees lined on both sides of the narrow drive, with old bricked sidewalks on both sides as well. Cars were parked along the right side and you could see the students coming and going from the campus, either going right through the small park towards the opera and trains, left making there way through old styled bricked building that seemed to have been here just as long as our school, or straight towards the trams that you could easily see driving by. The main street was about 500 meters from our school, but thanks to the trees, park and houses our campus wasn't that noisy, you know if you didn't include the students chatter.
The campus in general was massive, well at least to me, compared to some posh super rich/important school in the states or great britan it might be small, but comparing it to my friends it was down right huge. In a way it was amazing and looking at it from far away, it was hard to tell that this was a school. Many of the buildings were old and made from red brick, but luckily many of them were renovated so the classrooms were comfortable. There were a few newer buildings as well, but I didn't have any lessons in them, so I don't know what they look like aside from the outside. They definitely stand out from the old style buildings making the campus seem a little mismatched, but honestly it gave it an interesting feel to say the least. Each building had it's own surprises, little nooks and crannies. The main building even had a sleeping room, for the more exhausted students. One of the buildings had a dragon statue on the ceiling, another an old tower that had a secret entrance. It gave the campus a character that I enjoyed.
This place is amazing and I'm so lucky to have been accepted here, but I'm also worried. I'm not sure if I'll make it. This university is great, but it's also known for letting in a shit ton of people and then half of that shit ton ends up giving up/failing after the first semester, some after the first year. It makes me wonder if I'm going to be part of that group or will I somehow be able to make it through. You are probably thinking, then you should study more that way you will pass for sure! It's not that easy for me. I have lots of long hours. The only days I have it light is Monday and Friday (sometimes). Whenever I come back Tuesday I'm dead tired and if I have to look at anything school related I want to throw up. The only thing I have the energy for on a Tuesday is training at 19:30. Wednesdays aren't much better I end at 15:00, which is nice, but I've been there is 7:30 and even with the two hour open window I come back eat take a nap and sometimes I can force myself to do something. 80% of the time I fail though, because Wednesday I have Math, Physics and Math (in that order), so I'm really not in the mood to do any of that. Pretty much all of my subjects consist of math and physics they just have different names. Thursdays are nice, cause I end at a normal time, but I'm often times tired from Tuesday and Wednesdays still, so I take a mental break. I always end up hating myself for not doing anything. How am I suppose to pass if I don't work at home?
It's something I'm going to have to force myself to start doing or else I'll fail. The thing is failing isn't what scares me, I'm used to failure it doesn't faze me much anymore. What scares me is that I have no clue what to do with my life if I do fail. Do I just find a job and then start to fall into that boring monotone adult life that so many people complain about? I don't want that. That terrifies me to no end. I don't want to become one of those adults that just goes through life without living, but then again I only have till my golden year, so would it make more sense to give up now and then go live? If I got through uni then it would be so close, giving me barely any time, but what else am I suppose to do before then? Drop off the face of the planet and just see where life takes me?
That would be cruel to those that care about me, even if I did send them letters every once in a while telling them I was alive and well. My sister would fall in a depression and at the same time be the most pissed off person in the world. She already has enough stress on her shoulders, so she honestly doesn't need any more. I'm not sure how my brother would react. I think he would close in on himself even more then he already is now. He's just starting to get over our past events, starting to make friends and act his age. I don't want to be that selfish. There's also my father who might have a breakdown if I were to suddenly leave. His life is finally starting to make sense again too. I also have these slowly budding feelings for Aster and I'm so curious as to where this could go, but I'm also terrified, because they leave me feeling vulnerable as well. So many factors to take in account and when I think about it not much time left.
I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm so glad I've finished high school, but I'm not sure if I should be continuing my education or doing i don't know something!? There's also this thing with one of my masks. I based it of my fathers character, but added in some quirkiness. I often use it since people seem very comfortable around it, but because I use it so much it makes me wonder if I've lost myself. I think it's strong enough to hide me, but also shallow enough that I'm not completely lying to those around me.
Sigh, I have so many thoughts going through my head at the moment and I just don't know what to do. I'm letting my father guide me, because I don't know what to do with myself, but at the same time I hate myself for it. I'm just frustrated even if no one can tell but me. That's probably also one of the reason I'm blabbering about everything and nothing. There's more I'd like to write, to get off my chest, but I think I've written more than enough for today.
So, maybe I'll see you around?
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