New Year's Eve

There's no snow.

There's no massive party.

The whole family hasn't come together.

It hasn't been like that in a long time.

But this isn't a complaint.

It's not a tragic story of how a family no longer comes together.

Now it's about a different family.

One where everyone is close to the same age, 

the only elders are called old jokingly. 

While the young one's are really just above 18.

It's non-conventional, but it's new years eve. 

With how old everyone is, it's not surprising everyone is finding time with people that aren't family. Even those that still have family together.

Still I use to not care about new years eve.

I never really had friends here to spend that evening with.

Now though, as much as I pretend to not care, spending new year's eve with a group of friends that I can think of as a second family.

Well that just makes all the chaos and the noise

 worth the laughs.

SIckly Tired

    I don't sleep well on my own. My body always seems to have trouble falling asleep while my mind races. At night time I seem to think the most. All the thoughts I push to the side during the day seem to come alive right when I'm trying to fall asleep. So instead of sleeping I lay in my bed, trying to calm my thoughts and hoping I fall asleep within the hour. Sometimes it happens other times I fall into a light snooze, until I eventually fall into a deeper sleep.
    Usually if I have trouble sleeping I'll make up a story in my head, give my brain something to focus on until my body finally passes out. They tend to be fantasy stories or remakes of novels or shows I've watched, but occasionally when I don't have the strength to fight with myself, they're stories of my life.
    I try to stay away from these types of stories. I've learned the hard way that they can ruin me mentally, but every once in a  while when my brain just isn't thinking straight I fall into them. Last night was one of those nights. I was sick, still sort of am, with clogged sinuses and a constant headache. I went to sleep early last night, as I could no longer keep my eyes open while reading my book, and fell into a dreamless sleep.
    Although because I went to sleep so early I ended up waking up around three in the morning, but I was desperate to get more sleep, since I'd only slept about 7 hours and wanted to get at least 9, so I laid in bed trying to relax and let my brain fall into story land. Now that I'm writing this down they seem so stupid and silly, yet they helped me fall asleep and brought me some amount of comfort.
    Last night trying to fall asleep I think I dreamt up at least 4 different scenarios of Aster just coming into my room and sleeping in our bed. They were all innocent and pg stories too. Once I woke up to someone opening the door and I started freaking out cause I thought there was a burglar only for his head to pop through the crack, scaring the shit out of me. Another time I was stretching out my hand in bed and got confused as to why I hit something and he was there sleeping next to me. And on they go, silly stupid things like that.
    My brain and I both know that for some reason I sleep best when Asters sleeping next to me. I tend to fall asleep faster when he's over, I rarely wake up in the middle of the night when he's here and I don't think I've ever had a nightmare with him here either.
    Even though I'm sick, it makes me want him here all the more. It's a selfish thought. That's why this weekend I'm alone. No need for the both of us to get sick.

I tried to be the sun

I tried to be the sun once, a long time ago. 

    It was easier back then, even if I couldn't achieve the full effect with everyone I still did my best. Trying to bring everyone around me into a light that would bring smiles and cheer. It made me self centered, wanting the people around me to be happy and to get along. It took me a while to realize that, but I still choose to act like a sun, getting all my friends to orbit around me and themselves. I still do this with certain people, try to get everyone I care about included. Get them to smile, feel happy even when I want to jump into a pit.
    I don't do this anymore. Not to the degree I did when I was younger. Now I choose to single out individuals that are outcasts or merge with a group that has a dynamic and role I can easily fit into. For my drinking friends I'm 'the girlfriend' and 'the moron,' two roles that don't need me to be anything but myself.
    So it was surprising when I found myself falling into a habit that I thought I had dropped years ago. Yet here I am once again trying to be a sun. Visiting my mom always makes me feel like I've fallen back into a different time. I revert a little to that naive girl, for just a moment my brain thinks 'I'm with mama. Everything is OK.' That feeling lasts for days at best. Still it easily brings forth my terrible habit. Usually I notice it after a few days, but this time I'm here without my brother and because I have time in the middle of the day where I'm alone I never noticed that when I'm with my mother and Larkspur I put on that mask once again.
    I suddenly spent four days in a row with the both of them, Spur during the day and Ma' during the evening or both. At one point I felt exhausted even though I'd just been chilling all day with the two of them. The back of my brain though was hard at work, thinking about how to split my time between the two of them and what we can do together and hoping neither of them feel ignored. It got to the point where I just wanted to lock myself in a room all by myself so my brain would just stop racing.
    I should have seen the obvious clues, cracking jokes whenever, smiling often and constantly checking on my mom. My Gram' even commented that every time she see's me I'm such a 'happy child' and she's so glad.
    I want to laugh, because I am not a happy child. I have good days, of course, but more often than not I feel neutral. When I'm here in a place that has long since stopped being my home I feel empty, sort of dead. I try to find the good in my surroundings, but I hate being here. Now more than ever.
    I don't really care what we do. Sure let's go to the gym. Let's go for a walk. I'm up for watching a movie. Honestly I don't fucking care. Anything to make the time pass by faster. I will do anything to feel less like me. That's probably why it's so easy for me to dress up here.

I just want to go back to my home. 

    I want to enter the room and be greeted by an over excited basset hound breed. I want to pet him and say silly things to him that he doesn't understand while being watched by an amused long haired blond, who greets me after I finish adoring the lovable pupper. Then walk up to him and say a casual 'hey' before sitting down on the couch next to him with the doggo quickly jumping up to join us.

I want to go back to my home, not be stuck in an 

empty shell that has no life in it's walls. 

Just a few more weeks

    You lay down for the night. Bringing you're soft covers up to your neck and tucking it in around your body, warming yourself up in the chilly bed. You cuddle your dragon plush. It brings you comfort despite it not being your usual companion. The purple bear you tend to sleep with is back home, across the sea. Left home in fear of losing him on the plane.
    A mimikyu plush joins the two of you, watching over from the top of the pillows. All that's left before you try to sleep is the sweatshirt. It's not yours. Lent to you, by request. It's not something you wear, more of a sleeping companion then anything else.
    The first few nights you would smell their smell on it, but over time it faded. Now it's just another reminder of what's waiting back home. Still you tuck the sweatshirt between your pillows, pulling out one of it's arms. You wrap around it as if you were holding someones hand. Sometimes when you're on the verge of falling asleep you can almost feel their hand holding yours.
    After tucking yourself in and settling for a comfortable position you close your eyes, hoping for a quick dreamless sleep. You don't fall asleep immediately though, that's never the case. Now even more so. Instead your tired brain wonders.
    What are they up to? How is everything at home? How's the dog doing? When will I get to see them? Some nights are bad though, your brain descends into the darker parts that you try to ignore during the day. What if they found someone who makes them happier? What if they realize they don't love me anymore?

What if I come back only to discover my world is now gone? 

I try to forget about those night. 

    Still you sleep restless, light and on the verge of waking. It's like this most nights for reason unexplained. After a while your body finally gives out and you sleep normally, but once you're well rested it's back to the usual.
    It's only a few more weeks. You think to yourself, cuddling closer to the sweatshirt trying in vain to smell the familiar scent that has long since disappeared.

Just a few more weeks.

HomeSick

    I feel as if I've entered into another dimension. One where my family never moved to Poland, but my parents still got divorced. Where my brother went to college overseas just to get away from them both and I stayed behind, to keep my mothers abandonment issues from growing.
    I'm in a world where I live to work, because there's nothing else that helps distract me from the void I feel slowly consuming me. Everything is just like I remember it, but a fraction off, keeping me from seeing it until it smacks me right in the face.
    Illinois is a drastically different place compared to the polish coast. Everything is flat here, extremely so. You can drive in a straight line for hours without having to make a turn and you'll still get somewhere. The stores are all lined up in an orderly fashion. All of them have the same style store front, beige concrete with occasional green/brown accents. The only way you differentiate between them all is their signs. In order to get anywhere you need a car, unless you want to walk endlessly for hours in a straight line.
    I just look and I can't help but compare it to my home. Where's the forest that can be reached in less than three minutes walking? Where are all the tree's growing out of side walks or in yards, that make building occasionally difficult but people still keep them? Where are the hillsides that make you hate walking somewhere far? The buses and trams that save you from those walks? The friendly bike lines that allow bikers to share the road with cars? Nonexistent. All of it is nonexistent.

    Everything here is contained and orderly. 

Everything there is organized chaos. 

    The two towns that I know so well are separate worlds. No matter how many times I come here I can't seem to find a nook for myself. I can't help but feel displaced and lost. Counting down the days until I get back. Sure I distract myself with food, but everything is so much sweeter here. It makes me sick to my stomach. Family is always trying to get you to stay, even if it's just a little bit longer. Thus I've learned to tip toe around the subject like a mouse hiding from a cat.
    My mother told me I should try to date while I'm here. 'It'll get you out of the house' she said, despite knowing I've been in a relationship for as long as I have. I declined, explaining I would feel uncomfortable doing that, while trying to keep myself from being sick. Just thinking about doing such a thing makes me feel awful. Dating while dating someone else that you love is cheating, no matter how my mother tries to phrase it.
    I got hired by a coffee company. I guess that's a silver lining, although I have to wait for them to do a background check on me before I can be officially hired. Which can take anywhere from three days to three weeks. I just need a distraction other than reading, watching or family. Anything to keep me from thinking of home.
    It's been a week since I left, each day I only miss him more. His smell from his sweatshirt has almost faded, making it just a piece of clothing that reminds me every night of what I miss most. My brain keeps thinking about 'when I get back.' Dreaming up scenarios where he's at the airport with my family waiting to pick me up and as soon as I spot him I can't take my eye's off of him. Or where I get home on my own and find him in my room, waiting.
    I miss him, I miss Bax. They fill a void in my heart, because they are my home. If it weren't for them Poland would be just another more comfortable place for me to live.

Three songs

    A slow heavy beat starts to play. The lights dim, until only the mic is lit in a soft glow. Someone slips out from behind the curtains, slowly walking towards the mic stand. Everyone is silent as they slowly observe the singer calmly making their way towards the center. 

Have you got color in your cheeks?

    She starts to sing, grabbing onto the stand, while cupping the mic with one of her hands. Her voice is slow and sensual, dark hair blocking her face from view, but everyone is mystified.

Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?

    She peaks up at the crowd now, standing straight and singing. Slowly she gets comfortable on stage, starts to sing confidently.

So have you got the guts?

Been wondering if your hearts still open and if so I wanna know

 what time it shuts.

    She starts to sensually move her hips, dancing with the mic stand and making eye contact with the crowd.

Crawling back to you.

    Here she locks eyes with a green eyed blonde sitting in the back. The words resonate through the two of them, before she moves on breaking the eye contact and calmly sashaying down the stage.

Do you want me crawling back to you?

    The music ends on a high guitar note and the stage goes black. The lights don't get brighter though, only the crowd slowly starts to thin. The blond stays rooted to his chair.
    The music starts again, a peppy beat plays and the stage lights up brighter than before. The singer's back faces the crowd when lyrics are sung.

Caffeine, small talk, wait out the plastic weather.  

    She swings her hips with a different energy, this time expressing happiness, before jumping forward to face the smaller crowd.

You know I talk too much!

    The brunets hair flips forward as she dances with the mic in hand. She's smiling openly now letting the beat flow through her. Jumping and dancing around the stage energetically letting the music carry her.

Silence is golden, but you've got my hopes up.

    Her she suddenly freezes, once again locking eyes with the blond. There are unanswered question in both of their eyes and the man looks to stand, but the brunet's eyes dart away going back to singing the song and entertaining the others.

You know I talk too much.

Honey come put your lips on mine.

    She teases the crowd dancing and laughing, enjoying the energy flowing through her while singing, trying to ignore the feelings slowly coming to the surface.
    When the song ends, the lights go out once more. Again people go, leaving only the blond and the brunet, hidden on stage.
    The music starts out slow once again, but the lights stay dark, hiding the singer in shadows. Still you can see her silhouette near the mic stand.

Hold on, what's the rush, what's the rush, well?

    Her voice cheery for the last song now sounds remorseful, almost pleading.

Hold on, I'll be here when it's all done you know.

    As the song continues she edges off the stage carefully making her way towards the sole occupant of the room.

You know I'm gonna find a way to let you have your way with me.

    She sings behind the blond, moving to stay out of sight each time he turns his head. When he tries to stand and turn to catch the singer she disappears into the darkness behind him.

And if I was running, You'd be the one who I would be running to.
And if I was crying, You would be lining the cloud that would pull me through.
And if I was scared, Then I would be glad to tell you and walk away.

    Suddenly she's back on stage and the lights burn just a tad brighter. He can now see her eyes again, slowly filling with tears as they gaze at each other. There is no dancing in this song, instead she tries to convey her emotions to him. Her eyes burn fierce for a moment pleading with him, but it only lasts just a moment.

I am just trying to find my way to you.

    The singer wraps her arms around herself dropping her mic, but still singing strongly despite the tears running down her face.

You know I'm gonna find a way to let you have your way with me.

    She finishes the song with a melancholy smile before slowly fading into the darkness, leaving the blond alone to his thoughts.

Pleading with yourself

    You're sitting at your desk, studying. Trying to focus on the notes before you. They're covered in pencil marks, squiggles, different math formulas. You try to focus on the definition that you need to remember for next weeks exam, but you can't.
    You constantly feel yourself starting to tear up, whether from frustration, exhaustion or stress you don't really know. You try to ignore it, after all there's someone else in your room, focusing on their own task, but you can't wish away the tears that keep trying to spill.
     So you give up, grab a bunch of tissues and silently leave the room. You climb the stairs to the most isolated part of the house and there you hide in the furthest corner. Tucking into yourself as you sit on the floor, you chin resting on your knees. There you finally let your tears fall.
    They come slowly and quietly roll down your cheeks as you try to keep the snot running from your nose off your jeans. It's a useless en-devour. In a matter of moments you start to speak to yourself, trying to comfort the soul inside you crying out. You ask why and what for, but soon it turns to desperate pleas.
    Your so very afraid of what will happen if you fail. It's not just about the consequences or the disappointment. You don't know what you will do if you fail. In fact you're so afraid of what you'll do that you hug yourself closer stifling whatever sounds you make as you quietly beg yourself not to do it.
    As much as you joke about it, as much as you thought about doing it in the past. At this very moment in time right now, you don't want to die. Yet you're so afraid that if you fail, you will do it. No matter how much you love the people around you, no matter how much you want to stay.
    If it happens you don't know if you'll have the strength to keep yourself from doing it. One side of you is screaming to not give in yet, there's still time and hope. Just focus and you can do this. But there's another side, a silent slowly growing roar that says enough is enough and it's time to go, we've overstayed our welcome.
    They both fight, one planning final letters to those you care about, another screaming to get up and go back to studying. They both overwhelm and terrify you. You're frozen in place, wishing the other occupant from your room would just magically appear and make it all better, make it bearable. They don't, you came here to be alone, so alone you shall be.
    You continue crying, speaking, no pleading and begging yourself to stop, to think, to not do it. It goes on for a little while, but you're finally able to talk yourself through it. That voice quiets down and you slowly stand deciding to wash your face at the sink.
    You take off your glove before you splash some water on your face. Eventually your hands stop shaking and you pocket your glove, trying to forget about the other voice the one that wishes so much for the end.
    Still you go back to your room slowly and walk in as if nothing had happened before sitting down and starting to earnestly study. This time the tears stayed at bay.

I can't do it anymore

    My favorite type of fanfiction were the ones where the main character went back in time and redid his story with his knowledge of past mistakes. It became my obsession for a long while and I found a lot of gems in that area.
    Still after a while I started to imagine what I would do if I ever got to re-do my life. At one point I let go of fanfiction and thus my obsession of re-doing things as well faded, but recently I've started to think about it all over again.
    What would I do? How would I act? What would I change? I always picture myself going back in time and pretending to be really dumb in school, but still passing while also playing with my brother more and doing more extra curricular activities.
    Advancing myself while I was still young, but I always get to a summer where my brother and I go to visit our grandparents in Poland and my daydream starts to sadden, because as stupid as this sounds I start to think of Aster.
    I think of our years together and how I was a total greenhorn at feelings and relationships, how we took it so slow that we didn't have our first kiss until our sixth month of dating. How he was so sweet and understanding and never pushed but patiently waited.
    Somehow over our time together we also grew into each other. I always stop my re-do stories when I get to Poland, because that's where I start to reflect, where I think about Aster.
    I know that if I ever had a re-do I would avoid him like the plague. Make myself as unlikable and uninteresting as possible, because then he'd never approach me, never ask that one question that started it all. 'Hey, where do you go during free period?'
    Once or twice I imagined waking up at a younger age and finding out that he's from the future as well, but I feel like that's cheating. Having your SO remember too, just because you don't want to loose the precious memories between the two of you.
    I try not to read into this too much. Would you give up some of your most precious experiences just to be able to start you life all over again? Food for thought.

Alone

Sometimes you just want to be alone.

    There are days where I can almost always be around someone and be perfectly fine. On the other side of the spectrum there are days where I just wish to be left alone.
    I don't feel like speaking, nor laughing, nor expressing my emotions in any degree. I just kind of want to feel numb for a bit. Just get a bit of alone time where my brain doesn't have to do anything.
    One of my biggest problems is over thinking things. I just think too much sometimes. Whether it's about a situation, person or action. My brain will take it and over analyze it to hell. When I'm tired or exhausted this becomes even worse, especially since I tend to lean on the darker theories more than the positive ones.
    That's why sometimes I just want to be alone for a bit. Just give me a week of solitude where I can sit in my room and not have to worry about others for a little bit. Where I can just empty out my thoughts and clear my brain of all the mush.
    It's probably selfish to do such things, purposefully isolating yourself from the world. It's something that I know is wrong, but I still do it. The bad part is whenever I do this I will sometimes have darker thoughts than entirely necessary.
    My mind whispers that hey maybe it's a good time to break it off with Aster. I'll think up scenarios where I die and than wonder who I would speak my final words to, what I would say. I cry, I wallow, I let myself feel my self-hatred I drown myself in my negative emotions, all the while ignoring the cancerous voices in my head.
    Because when I do this, it's not to make myself feel bad or terrible, it's more of a catharsis than anything else. As fucked up as that sounds and as strange as this is going to seem. Sometimes just like how I need my solitude, there are times where I just need to delve into my negative emotions. Acknowledging them and accepting them.
    That way I can keep expressing the positive emotions to others while keeping the negative ones to myself. One day this will probably get me in trouble, but for now I'll continue this cycle. As long as it keeps me stable I should be okay.

Scenes of Sound

    A long time ago I used to watch a lot of anime. We're talking about the early 2000's where the kings of Shounen  Jump magazine were One Piece, Naruto and Bleach. Those were the days of the classic shounen based anime where a boy had some kind of adventure or destiny ahead of him.
    They were amazing and thrilling and honestly the best way I could have possibly spent my time in my middle school years. I don't watch anime anymore, not really. Once or twice a year I'll sit down and binge watch something when I get sick or don't want to leave the house, but the days of me staying home for hours on end to finish the season of my latest favorite are long gone.
    It's stupid to say this but I'm overwhelmed by the amount of new anime out there and after having lost touch with it for so long I'm a bit afraid to delve back in. Still this isn't about that.
    This is about music, specifically the songs that take me back to the days of yonder. Even though I no longer watch anime I occasionally find myself delving into the soundtracks of passed anime. It's something I've been doing more and more ever since I started playing Persona 5, there's something I've noticed while listening to a few songs.
    The songs from past watched anime, that were loved and adored by my younger self, ignite feelings inside of me that I haven't felt in such a long time. Most of the songs are instrumental, but I find myself whistling or humming along anyway. There are some that bring me chills and if I close my eyes I can picture certain scenes from the shows.

Precipice of Defeat - Bleach
I picture the first time Ichigo and Rukia meet, both about to die. So Rukia holds up her sword and Ichigo pierces himself with it in order to gain her powers. Thus saving them both and becoming a substitute shinigami.

Battle Ignition - Bleach
Ichigo stands before the shinigami forces in soul society. Rukia at his side about to be rescued from execution, but before they can escape Ichigo has to face off once again with Byakuya Capitan of the 6th division. This time he can't loose, but his eyes are clear, his resolve solid. They will win and escape.

Soundscape To Ardor- Bleach
Orihime has to give herself up to the enemy. They want her healing powers for themselves. If she doesn't come with them, they'll kill her friends. She knows they aren't strong enough, so in the dead of night she surrenders herself. Knowing that Ichigo will come for her and the journey will make him strong enough to save her.

Never Meant To Belong - Bleach
Rukia is in a pure white tower. She gave herself up to the soul society so Ichigo would be spared. She's isolated in a tower, reminiscing about her time in the human world and not regretting her choices. Meanwhile she mourns for the friends she's going to lose, unaware that they are coming to get her back.

Need to be strong - Naruto
Naruto and Gara are battling it out just outside of the village of Konoha. Gara's bijju has completely taken over his mind, while Naruto fights to free him and prove that just because you have a monster inside of you doesn't mean you have to be evil.

Strong and strike & TurnOver - Naruto
The battle seems hopeless everyone looks like there about to give in, but Naruto is adamant about beating the enemy. He refuses to give in, because there is always a way to win. As always he gets out his rasengan and destroys them after a long and tiring battle.

Sadness and sorrow - Naruto
There's a little boy with bright blond hair and whisker marks on his cheeks. Swinging alone away from everyone, because no one wants to play with the monster of the village.

Loneliness & Nightfall - Naruto
He's gone. The only man who was like a father to him, his master is gone. Naruto sits on a bench staring at a blue Popsicle that Pervy-Sage would always split with him. He used to complain that they should just get two, that way they'd get more ice cream each. Now though, he just wishes he still had someone to split it with.

Despair - Naruto
A little boy with bright red hair is holding on to the last piece of his heart. Everyone in the village hated him and was scared of him, even his older sibling were afraid. His father thought of him as a tool and he didn't have his mother, but he had his Uncle who loved him and taught him and cared for him. He just stopped someone from assassinating him again, but this time when he peeled back the mask he didn't see another sand ninja, but his beloved Uncle staring at him with hate filled eyes. This is how Gara lost his heart.

Uunan and the Stone - One Piece
For once the crew isn't happy-go-lucky, no. They have to go and save one of their own from the hands of the government. Robin may have left them, but they refuse to let her sacrifice herself out of some wrong sense of justice. They are getting there historian back!

Departure of the King of Pirates - One Piece
It's time to say goodbye to a new friend. For his dream is to become a Navy Admiral while Luffy is going to be the king of the pirates! They'll still be friends even if they are on different paths.

Angry - One Piece
They hurt Nami. They hurt his navigator and they made her cry. No one and he means no one treats his crew like that. So Luffy goes to the fish men base with a declaration for battle.

Tsuna Awakens - Katekyo Hitman Reborn
Tsuna has finally found his strength and is calm enough to focus  and use his flames to the fullest. He has no choice. He has to beat Xanus and become the next boss of the mafia family or else all his friends will die. It's do or die. And for once the nervous boy is calm and cool, ready to fight and win.

    There's so many more I could go through. Just picking pieces of music and letting my emotions wash over me, but I'll spare you. You've probably read more than enough. This is just something I wanted to write down in the hopes that I will remember this for as long as possible.

Run away....

It's cold and it's dark, but at the moment it really doesn't matter. 

Than again it hasn't mattered in a while. 

You stopped caring after your hope kept getting smashed to pieces. Each time you had a good day something knocked you down then kept you there. You thought it would get better, but it's only made you feel worse. 

You keep distancing yourself from everyone, playing a game with your outside emotions. Meanwhile inside all you feel is numbness.

It burns unlike the penetrating cold that greets you at night. It burns a hollowed hole inside you, reopening what was once sown shut. 

You can't ask anyone to fix it, not this time, not when you have to keep everything pleasant on the outside. You're so tired of keeping the peace, it's barely been two months, but all you want to do is run away from everything. 

Your soothing balm is out of reach. It's your own fault pushing him away, upsetting him, doing everything wrong. 

You always do everything wrong. 

While at home you tread carefully trying to keep a delicate balance. In your mind your trying to run from real life, looking for an escape. 

It's becoming difficult to cope. 

It's becoming harder to breath. 

It's becoming impossible to sleep. 

I want to run away from everything. I want to avoid everyone until 

I feel better again. Will I ever feel better again? 

All I know is that it hurts, right in the center of my chest where I feel a hole slowly searing itself into my soul. 

I'm a traitor and a coward. 

I just want to run away, break it off with everyone and never be seen again. That'd be stupid, wouldn't it? It still doesn't keep me 

from thinking about it though.

You should break up with me

You should break up with me.

    It's something I say to Aster at least once a month. We've been together for over three years now. It's both of ours first long and serious relationship, so I can't help but feel guilty in some way.
    We're both bi, we went to high school together, were in the same class. We started dating after high school and we've been together ever since. For the longest time now I've felt like we've been stuck in this weird limbo of wanting to take the next step but being unable to. So we just sit in this void.
    It's what makes me say 'you should break up with me.' It's not the only thing, still I think I say it too much. Especially recently, where I've been saying it almost once a week. He always gives the same answer when I say this, rolls his eyes and pretends to be annoyed. I'm glad he puts up with my bullshit, but I'm also scared that one day he will just say 'ok.'
    It's a day I'm expecting, because no matter how many times he says 'I'm in it for the long run' I will never believe him. Still if and or when the day comes that you finally agree to my absurd request then I want to have something to show you how I feel for you after three years of being together.

How could I prove to you that I love you?

I can't, not really.

Romantic gestures seem to elude me. Poetry, songs and chocolates always seem too cliche.

There is little I can do to prove my love for you.

I'm bad at expressing myself in your native tongue and I know I can't just say kocham cię.

So instead I'm writing it down here, where only I can read it. Because as always I can never be straightforward with you.

So how do I 'prove' my love to you?

    It's normal for me to feel sad. It's strange if I don't feel sad at least once a week. The sadness steams from a past I try to ignore, a future I pretend doesn't exist and a present I seem to constantly be struggling with. It creeps up on me during my day to day life, while I'm just trying to get by. Even when it's there I tend to be used to it.
    I'm used to being sad, feeling empty, putting on a mask and pretending every thing's okay. Sometimes though I have moments where I want everything to stop, suddenly right then and there. All it would take is a deep cut, an 'accidental' fall, a sudden sharp turn, it would be so easy and it can be very tempting. What keeps me from embracing the empty void that regularly calls me in my sleep?

You.

Because as long as we're together I would never be able to forgive myself for inflicting that kind of pain in you.

    I'm sorry it's not something more magical and flowery, but I'm not particularly good at that kind of thing. I apologize as if you'll see this. Maybe one day years after we've broken up you'll find this. If so, than Hello future Aster, I hope life has been treating you well and that you remember our time together at least somewhat pleasant.

    I apologize for the boring post, I seem to be having trouble writing much of anything recently. I'm gonna try to force myself to change that.

Constant Conflict

    You fall for what is most likely the millionth time in an endless amount of time. You don't know how long you've been here. How long you've been fighting to move forward, to reach whatever is on the other side. You don't know. You just focus on the end goal, whatever that may be.
    So you struggle to slowly drag one of your hands from your sides, the better one. This one is only covered in bruises, speckled across your skin like sprinkles on ice cream. All of them different shades of purple and blue. After many grunts and lots of effort your arm is near your face, so now you work with your other more broken hand.
    This one is covered in lacerations, varying in length, but all slowly leaking blood. You're pretty sure your pinky finger is broken on this hand as well, so you try not to move it.Still the pain overwhelms you, forces you to grit your teeth, until both hands are near your head. Now the tough part begins.
    You put both your palms on the floor and try to slowly lift yourself from the ground. It's a painstakingly slow process and you bite your lip to keep yourself from screaming. Two broken ribs and plenty of bruises and cuts go a long way to add to your pain. Still you manage to get on all fours, where you hang your head and try to take as many shallow breaths as possible. Breathe in, breathe out. Focus on breathing not on the pain.
    Now comes the most difficult part. You steady yourself, take in a single breath before you quickly and very painfully stand. The motion is simple but you scream your lungs out as soon as your standing. Your legs shake as they hold you up, battered and bruised in there own right. Still your standing again, that's all that really matters now you just have to keep moving. As you take your first slow step forward a voice calls out from the front.

Why are you doing this?

    You look up to see yourself looking bask at you, except this you is healed, only the scars tell the tale that you yourself are living in now. Still you don't understand, so you cock your head to the side in confusion.


Why are you putting yourself through this much pain?

    You look at yourself confused. Why wouldn't I? I have to move forward keep going.

But Why!? What's even the point!? Why continue to suffer? Continue to be in pain for a future that you are unsure of, don't know of?

    You smile at the shadow before you, before taking another step forward. Because if I stop here, if I just give up than I will have nothing else left. You take another step until you're right in front of your shadow. You pat their shoulder in comfort. It's okay as long as I keep trying. You walk passed them ignoring the pain coming from every pore in your body. It doesn't matter. None of it matters just keep moving...
    You don't even finish your thought before you feel a strong pain against the back of your knees and your falling to the floor. You let out another scream as you feel something in one of your legs crack. Just breath. You hear your shadowing walking to you and you lift your head to see it standing before you.

See this is what your dealing with! You're just going to keep rising and falling and raising and falling over and over again until there's nothing left of you. Stop this nonsense and just give up!

    I can't though. You say as you slowly start to position your arms to stand once again. I have to keep moving forward. Even if it's at a snails pace I have to move. The shadow growls before it leaves your line of sight, but you feel it run away then turn and run back, straight towards you. You try to stand or roll over but your in so much pain that you can't move. The shadow lands right on your legs and you let out an ear piercing scream, both of them are broken in some way and you know you can't stand again.
    Now you have to stop the shadow screams at you. Your so broken you can't even walk! For some reason you don't feel despair, instead you bring your arms forward and start to drag yourself, continuing on the path at a slower pace. 
    When the shadow notices, it isn't happy. It sits on your back forcing you to hold in your pained moans while it shouts again. Stop! Stop this pointless nonsense! Whats even the point? 

The point? Why there really isn't a point to all of this pain or struggling I'm just doing it.

But why? Why go through all this pain for nothing? Why suffer in silence like this?

    I really don't know. I just know that I have to because if I stop suffering, stop trying, even if it just gets harder and I have to keep restarting or my progress is small or slow, well at least it's something. This, well this is life. It has no purpose or value. It's something everybody goes through or does. And despite my wounds, my thoughts, my outlook on life. I'm not ready to die yet. We aren't ready to die yet. That's why I keep moving forward. What more do you want?
    You aren't sure when it happened but at one point you stopped looking up and were instead looking down at a bruised and battered looking self preaching about living when you're not really sure if you want to live. You look down at yourself, scarred and without a heart or soul.
    The one standing is dead on the inside while the one with all the passion for life, the heart is struggling to move on the floor. This is who I am. Two halves that are in constant conflict with each other.

Private Moment

    It was a night where I decided that I needed answers. All these questions in my head had piled up over the weeks, while my brain struggled with stress from school. I was tired of feeling the way I was feeling with him so I finally asked.
    Talking was done, my mind calmed and we curled into each other. For the first time in a while we started to become intimate. We took our time. Slowly stroking each others bodies. First the arms then the chest, a use of nails here a little twist or flick there. It was soothing and calming with long kisses in between. At one point he held my left hand, softly stroking the skin while we kissed.
    It was then that he pulled back and asked 'What happened to your hand.' I immediately pulled my hand away from his and said 'It's nothing, don't worry about it.' Hoping he wouldn't remember the conversation we had a few weeks ago where I asked for a favor, thus revealing why I wear a fingerless glove.
    He remember though, really how could he forget. 'Why,' he says pulling back and looking at me. I just curl  up next him, one arm slung over his torso and say 'You have to be specific or I won't answer your question.' I don't know why I said this, why I made him state it. Maybe hoping that he wouldn't be thinking what I was thinking, but he was. He knew after all.
    So he asks 'Why did you do that to yourself?' I want to lie, say it's just a weird cut, no self-mutilation here, but I couldn't. We've been together for three whole fucking years, it's about time I told him about this side of myself. So I start to speak, slowly making sure every word is precise.
    I tell him what happened last friday evening after I drove him home. How I broke down into tears and balled my eyes out, then before I even realized I had grabbed my knife and slowly started to make a cut. Then another and another and another. There were four in total and even though I pressed hard and made myself bleed, only the first one hurt. The other three just made me feel shittier about myself.
    By this point I had pulled away, laying on my back and staring at the ceiling. I didn't want to see his face, I didn't want to know what he was thinking or feeling at this point.
    We sat there in silence for a moment, before he's curling into me, asking me why. Why? Because it makes me forget about reality for a moment, gives me control over something, keeps me from feeling completely and utterly numb, broken, dead. There are so many reasons why I did what I did.
    I ask him if he's okay. He's been so quiet since I've spoken, but he only replies with 'How would you feel if someone you care about started hurting themselves?' For a moment I can't help but think of another lighter blond that I cared for a while back. I've been on both sides of this coin. Still I answer 'sad, afraid, my heart would hurt for them.'
    We fall into silence, Aster still curled into me, while I continue to stare at the ceiling. At one point I start talking, why? Maybe because it was finally time to share a part of myself that is only ever hidden away on these pages, but I told him a bit of my struggle with depression. Around the time I first started cutting, why I did it, the thought process that went into it, my emotional state at the time and how eventually slowly I stopped.
    I don't remember the exact date of when I stopped but at one point I did. I remember I didn't just suddenly feel better, it was gradual and slow, but there were a few things in my life at that time that slowly helped me get out of my lonely pit.
    'You don't know this,' I said staring into the darkness, 'but at that time you were one of a couple of people that helped me stop.' Here I fell silent, unsure of what to say anymore. Aster starts to shake and I put my arms around him and rub his back, whispering that it's okay.
    I don't know why I told him it was okay, but after a few moments I spoke for a final time saying 'I regret what I did last week. And after feeling the way I did after. I know I'm never going to do it again.' A few moments later he calms and stands to go get tissues. No more words are exchanged and the next day he seems just a tad distant, but for once I push ahead and soon we're back to the way we were. Maybe just a teeny bit better than we used to be.

Locked Away

    It's dark outside. At lest I think it's dark outside. I don't have windows, not anymore, not after I cracked mine months ago. Then I pried a corner piece off and used it for relief.
    It took the nurses two weeks before they realized I'd relapsed into a new habit. Once they noticed thought they drugged me up for a week and threw me into solitary. They took me off the drugs after what felt like maybe a week, but I stayed in solitary for a month.
    I couldn't not take the drugs they handed me or else I would have started ripping my toe nails off. Anything to feel something, even if it's just pain. Finally they brought me back out to 'socialize' really by that point though they could have just left me in solitary.
    I'd pretty much turned into a mute by then, never speaking, only ever writing in a journal that never leaves my sight. They'll read it when I die. Try to decipher all the cryptic meanings and pointless symbolism. They'll think oh a birds mentioned, that must mean freedom was longed.
    Really though, I'm just tired of not feeling anything. I take the drugs they hand me to suppress the voices. but thier side effect is numbness. Guess it doesn't really matter if the only things I tend to feel are self-hatred and sadness. Still, this in my hands almost brings a smile to my slack face. In my hands is a hand made rope made from rags and pillowcases, tightly wound and tied together to be the base for my final act.
    Honestly, this was the easiest part of my two part plan. The second part involved getting screen time and trying to memorize how to do a hangman's knot without anyone noticing what I was really looking at. All tricky, it took over two weeks, but I finally did it. In my hands lay a sturdy hangman's knot and I knew that today i was finally going to feel.
    What though? Does it really matter? Regret, remorse, sadness, pain, I'd take anything by this point. There is little I care about. I secure the handmade rope, hang off of it for a moment to see if it won't snap immediately. It holds. I pull over my night stand, so it's right underneath and stand atop it.
    Shouldn't I feel some sort of hesitation or sadness? There's nothing though. I bring the rope over my neck, fasten it and stand on the edge. Aren't i suppose to have some deep and meaningful silent thoughts? But I can't, there's nothing to say. I've been here for what's felt like decades, I haven't seen family in forever and the only person I cared about is dead. There's nothing left to say. I tip over the table and immediately I feel the pressure on my wind pipe, before there's a snap.
    Two hours later a nurse walks in ready to hand over nr. 52 meds. Usual routine stuff, instead of finding the patient curled up in bed writing away in a secret journal, a cooling body hangs from a rope.
    Another soul gone from the world, because they didn't receive the help they needed. Instead they were locked away as to not disturb the normal people of the world.

Not ready yet

I'm not ready yet.

    For what you ask, well that has a lot of answers. I keep expecting something, from life from people from myself, but there's never anything to anticipate.
    Everything just continues to move forward while my mind keeps me from flowing with everything else. It's why I like watching birds, even though sometimes you can't stare straight at them because they'll get spooked.
    There's a lot in my neighborhood and thanks to a friend I've come to know a few of the species. There are wróbelki which are heard birds. So tiny, and where you'll see one, two more will be near by. They love to play in dirt and hid in bushes. They also don't migrate so you tend to see them all year.
    You also have kafki which are crow like birds that are very clever. They have this look in their eyes as if they were constantly thinking. They tend to get along (sometimes) with wrony which are pretty much crows with sleek black feathers and long dark beaks. The two species are both very cleaver and aren't as afraid of humans as wroble. I also love wrony because they're grey and black counterparts look like they're wearing a suite. The way they walk also makes it seem like they're constantly contemplating over something.
    So why do I enjoy watching birds? Because they always seem to know what they're doing. You've got the pigeons and they have two priorities food and fucking. It's the most obvious thing in the world for them, so sometimes I look towards birds to forget about all of my tiny world problems. I find it so easy to space out when I'm on a walk or observing things. Whether it's people or animals, maybe even just the city scape, my brain easily turns off. Sometimes I want to ask others if they can do this, because it seems like a weird thing to be able to do, but maybe it's not.
    Anyway I'm stalling. There's this thought on mind, maybe I'm being too open? Before I kept everything to myself, staying quiet and leaving things be as they are, but now I tend to speak up or say what's on my mind. I'm wondering if I should stop doing it as much as I do it. Saying things that are on my mind, telling people when I'm stressed or bothered. Because every time I do tell someone I feel like I'm expecting something from them. There's always this tiny feeling of dissatisfaction after, whether it's with myself or with the person is sometimes hard to say. At the same time I want to be close with people, but maybe by doing this I just push them away because I'm too open. It's something I don't really know how to deal with just yet.
    There's also all these thoughts that have piled up in my brain. Stupid silly things, but I always push them aside or tend to not acknowledge them, because it's easier that way. The most stupid one. Around either August or September I wrote a sort of heavy post. Talking about what life is for me. It was a bit of a depressing thing, but it's something that struck me really hard. I wanted to talk to Larkspur about it, but her only comment was 'You must have been really depressed that day.' I sort of deflated a little on the inside, because yes I hadn't been having a good day than, but in reality I still believe what i wrote.
    I don't think I'm ready to live with Aster yet. I never seem to know what to do with myself when he's here. Sure I tend to do stuff on my laptop, but I never just watch a shit ton of youtube videos, like I usually do, when he's here, doing his own thing. I'm unable to put on headphones and just listen to music while spacing out, like I sometimes enjoy doing. I don't watch the same Shane Dawson video for the fifth time, because I know it will cheer me up, nor do I do silly unnecessary sounds or movements that perk me up. I explain these away as having lazy days or taking in his aura since I only get to see him for a day, before it's a week without. So many silly excuses and I think it's gotten to the point where I'm not 100% myself anymore around him. Just a teeny part of myself, but it makes me wonder if I'm a liar. So maybe it's best that we don't live together yet. Not to mention my biggest fault.
    I'm selfish. I live in my own little world, so I tend to think about myself and my problems. You could blame it on partial isolation or my own depressive thoughts, but sometimes I just don't take others feelings into account. Whether it's my own thoughtlessness or a terrible understanding of the situation. I always somehow mess up. It's why I always say I'm a terrible person. And mean it.
    All of this is coming down to one thing. How do I be a good, balanced human being? One that's open with others, without over sharing. Someone that can talk about their difficulties, but makes sure not to overshadow others troubles. How do you show that you care about everyone close to you, but also remember to care about yourself?
    Maybe that's why I enjoy observing local birds. They know who they are, why they're here. They don't need to find that perfect balance that will make themselves happy with who they are while also making those close to them happy.
    If someone asked me if I was happy. I'd probably answer; can't complain.
Here though I'd probably say it depends on the weather, season and time of fucking day.  One thing is constant though, when evening rolls around I'm contemplative, occasionally perky, but when night falls. I just can't seem to force a muscle to move on my face.

I'm probably over thinking everything.

Just ignore all this bullshit please.

What have I done

For the first time ever I thought, maybe it was time. 

I've grown, I remember, I can go without. 

Even though I decided, I couldn't just drop it like magic, so I took it slow. 

Just a couple of hours, a single evening, nothing big.

 Baby steps.

It suddenly stopped being a reminder.

That only really lasted for a little while though.

How many years has it been? 

Honestly I don't know. 

Four years, maybe three? 

I don't know.

 All I know is that the cycle has been broken 

and I can no longer wonder if it's time to move forward, 

because I've fallen right back into my own personal pit of darkness.

I've stopped caring. 

About my clothes, my greasy hair, 

my weight, my skin, 

my mental stability. 

Those are all the last things on my mind these days. 

The stress from school, my own thoughts and insecurities these past few months have driven me right back into the darkness. 

I was never far from it. 

Tip-toeing it's edge, because that was the only way I could function. 

Unaware that I would eventually fall back in.

That's a lie.

I knew, 

I knew I would break 

and I put up so many obstacles to 

try to sway myself from falling again. 

But night time is always the time when I think too much. 

So I stood from my bed, after tossing and turning for over an hour,

 aware that sleep wouldn't come. 

I walked to that blasted fucking drawer opened it and took it out.

Just to hold it, 

I thought allowing the weight to comfort me, remind me. 

I should have stopped there instead I continued 

opening it, admiring it. 

I... I held it to my skin..... 

Just enough to feel pain, 

but not enough to break skin.

I did that for a few moments, before hiding it away,

 positive that that would keep me from going further.

I'm such a fool.

It's the following night. 

Again sleep is out of my reach, 

instead I jump from my bed looking for anything 

that will keep me from going into a full blown panic attack. 

I reach for the drawer.

This time my movements are done without thought, 

precise and calming.  

It's only when I feel skin break that I stop.

What have I done?

Why would I do this?

It's been so long, I was suppose to be better!

Why can't I get better....

The worst part in all of this is the shame I'm going to feel

 when my fail safes ask to see my hand.

 I don't want to see that look in their eyes.

 Pity, regret, disappointment?  

Either way I don't want to post this, 

because the first fail safe will see. 

Although I'm more afraid of the other one

 and who knows how long I can avoid their glances. 

I just wish the sadness wasn't so prominent. 

The stress so overbearing. 

My will so weak.

It's easy to fall into the darkness, 

but so much more difficult to escape it.

I'm such a fool.

'Idyllic' Days

    Its a routine. A very simple routine, but one that I always look forward to. I have fridays off from school, no classes and all that joy, so every thursday and friday evening I would go to Asters house for a few hours. It was usually the only time I got to see him.
    One thursday evening right before I was about to leave I asked him if he'd like to try something out. Bring Bax with him and stay over at my house for the night. So he did. It wasn't easy Bax was uncomfortable in the new place, he kept walking around and crying. He peed in the house a few times and even had a bad case of diarrhea once, but after about three visits he got used to the place.
    He still occasionally cries around seven in the morning, even after we let him out to relieve himself, but I've taken to just putting him on the bed. As soon as he's cuddled up between Aster and I he falls right back to sleep. Bax is very much like a two year old child in that sense.
    He enjoys exploring the house and having a backyard to play in. He also likes to bother Oreo, mostly I think he just enjoys the company of another dog. My dad and I tend to spoil him a bit, always petting him, thus Bax is always happy to see my father.
    So after a while Bax took to this new routine. Though I'm most happy to have Aster in my bed at least once a week. Nightly conversations that are either serious in nature or very light hearted. These 24h+ that we're together can really only be described as domestic and routine.
    Usually on Wednesday one of us texts the other asking if we're doing the usually. The next day I pick up Aster and Bax around 7 pm. We drive back to my house and tend to take an hour long walk as soon as we drop off Asters stuff, unless its raining. After the walk we either make some kind of small supper, talk or just watch something on youtube.
    Nothing really specific. It isn't unusual for the both of us to be playing our own games while sitting next to each other. Thats what's happening till 1 or 2, depending on how tired I am I'll force Aster to go to bed earlier or later, although we always have nightly talks in some way shape or form that move back our bed time.
    In the morning I'm up at 10 to feed Bax and because of my school schedule clock I just stay up. Drinking some coffee, making breakfast and doing my own thing. Around 12 I start to bug Aster to get out of bed, usually by annoying the crap out of him. This can take anywhere from 30 min to an hour, depending on how much of a fight the blond puts up. After this we waste time by talking about dinner, watching Bax annoy Oreo or doing stuff on the computer. It's peaceful, my father comes back and we all talk about plans for the weekend. Sometimes Aster and I hang out with friends, other times we just do whatever till 5 than go for another long walk. Still 8:30 hits the clock and it's time for me to drive Aster home.
    Thus my beautifully boring, domestically peaceful weekend comes to an end, for Saturday and Sunday are homework days. It brings me peace of mind, at least for a little while. I also wonder if when the time comes that Aster lives here, how will the days change than? I can only hope we'll get some peaceful days occasionally, because they help soothe my soul.

Thoughts for another day.

Ups and Downs

    It's been a mixed semester, with about a month of classes left than exams around the end. I can't say it hasn't been good, but I also can't say it's been bad. I've had a lot of ups and downs this past semester. More lows than highs I think, not quite balanced.
    My mood seems to be so sensitive lately. I give up easily. I rather do nothing than something. My will to live and enjoy life is minuscule as of late. I don't really know why. Still it's harder to hide the bad days, because they seem so much stronger than the good. The fake smiles I was once able to summon now come out as crooked with dull eyes staring back. My brain hasn't been much help as it seems migraines and headaches are fairly regular and just as painful if not more so occasionally.
    Even Aster hasn't been able to chase away all of the darkness like he used to. Somehow my fog has found cracks and it now slowly invades my mind. It sort of feels like all of my strength has been sapped out of me. I'll sit down and do the work I must, but my drive has completely faded. I'm not sure if it's early summer blues or just the family drama that's on my mind.
    Azalea might be living here soon. At least for a while, but my mother is not happy about it and I think she refuses to help him. He's smart so I know he can handle everything, especially since father and I are helping him with as much as we can. Still it wouldn't surprise me if she tried to sabotage him in some way. I told Az that if he needed help that he should go to Larspur, she doesn't have a ton of time right now, but hopefully she'd be able to help him at least a bit. Sorry Spur, I hope you don't mind.
    I've also been dreaming of spiders again, which does little to help my mental health. What do you do when you're always tired? I feel like I'm just waiting for school to end so that I can have a bit of a break. Take my mind off everything for a month or so before jumping back into everything. I'm worried that it might be something more than that though. And if it is, than what could it possibly be?
    What if after everything I still feel this way? I don't really know, but I can't drag others down with me. Still if someone ask 'Am I okay?' or 'How am I doing?' What do I say? Because I can say, not too good. But when they ask me why, all I can do is shrug my shoulders because I truly don't know why. I just feel half gone.

Just a walk

    It was just the three of us. Walking back from a friends home. A casual bored game night on a Friday evening, that ended with an intense hour an a half game of chess. Thus the three of us were walking back together, listening to the birds that are just starting to rise.
    We talk jumping from subject to subject, like we always do. Still these walks always bring up the most serious of subjects, most are focused on Bell, but surprisingly this time they were focused on Aster and I.
    Somehow marriage was brought up. Bell asked when we're going to get married or why we haven't tied the knot yet. It was interesting explaining our different world views when it comes to that subject. Kids were also mentioned, since Bell has acquired yet another nickname to his arsenal- "Uncle." The subject was quickly dropped after I gave my beautiful description of child birth. Let's just say the word parasite was involved.
    Still we hopped from subject to subject, discussing the more serious things in life, because you can't always joke about life. At one point the conversation lulled to what seemed to be a relaxed quiet, when Bell pops me a question. 'So, Nast.... Tell me something that I don't know about you?'
    So many things flash through my mind that he doesn't know, but I only smile and say; 'There really isn't anything interesting about me that you don't know about.'
    Of course Bell doesn't believe me, after all everyone has an interesting story to tell. 'Then maybe I'll be a bit more blunt,' he says looking somewhat nervous, maybe awkward asking this. 'I've noticed you make a lot of suicide and dying jokes lately.'
    This isn't too surprising, but I shrug my shoulders and explain. 'I just decided to stop filtering myself around you guys.'
    Here is where Aster cuts in with a snort, 'Sorry, but Nast is too stupid to reveal anything she doesn't want to reveal.' At this Bell looks over to the other blond, confused. 'If she doesn't want to say something she wont, but if she has to it's a vague thing that tells you jack.'
    Here Bell seems to be somewhat surprised as if he never expected something like this from me. Understandable since I seem to be a very open person, it's when someone wants to get personal that I start to close up. I only smile at him and shrug my shoulders again. 'That's just the way I roll.' I reply casually before smoothly transitioning into a different subject.
    The walk continues never returning to the dropped subjects. Still my mind thinks, oh the things I would tell the both of you if only I had the courage. It's always left unsaid though, because it's not necessary for them to know.

The second time

This is the second time. 

    The second time I decided to be blunt, for once. What ends up happening? Less than a week later we get into something, I don't know what this is, that makes me want to delete my last post. It's the second time that's happened. It's not fun either way.
    I'm not going into details of what happened, all I know is that we were talking. I refused to tell him something cause it was embarrassing, than he left for over an hour and we spoke less than ten words to each other over the course of the next six hours.
    That hurts. The day it happened and we suddenly went into this weird limbo, where nobody acknowledged the other person, it felt like my soul was sucked out of my body. He was there, but he wouldn't look at me. He wouldn't talk. I couldn't say anything, didn't know what to say. I couldn't touch him, I couldn't hear his laugh, see his smile. The only full day I get to see him and something happens that kills me on the inside.
    I'm not sure if it's my fault. If so what did I do? What caused this? Was he just having a bad day and wanted to be left alone? If so he could have told me. I understand bad days, everyone gets them. So what happened?
    Fuck if I know. All I know is that I feel empty and void. I'm moving and talking, eating and drinking, but it's done automatically. Without thought or meaning, there's no point. Because life has no point. This is what happens when your mental stability comes from a single person, that can easily slip from your fingers.
    I'm not doing too terrible, but I can already feel myself drifting away. Comedy mode is on whenever I'm with someone. When I'm alone I'm Mati, because Mati's single and they don't have to think about such stupid things. Do everything, just don't be yourself, because than I don't think about other things. Still it's Monday evening and my thoughts drift to a terrible realization. I have no reason to look forward to thursday/friday. What's the point if the person I was most excited to see, isn't speaking with me?
    I've got a whole week off at the beginning of May. I was hopping to get to see him for a couple days longer. Now, now that's all just maybes. Maybe one of us will break the silence by Friday? Sad to say it won't be me. I'm a coward. I wouldn't even know what to say to him. 'I'm sorry for whatever I did? If you would just tell me what's wrong we can try to work it out?' Please, I don't want to lose you. I'm such a pathetic weak human being.
    He should leave, he should find someone better. He should live his life so that he's happy. Me, well I'm used to being sad. I'll get used to the loneliness again, the emptiness, the dull feeling of constant boredom. The reminder that there is little reason for me to be here. I'll get used to it in due time. Live out my life till that golden deadline.
    I've already thought of running away. And isn't that stupid. My first instinct of getting into 'this' with him and I'm already thinking of how I can hide from him, how can I avoid him, how do I stay out of sight? There's just one thing though, he has the key to my house. That one fact is probably holding me together. He still has it, so that means he doesn't hate me, this can all still work out.
    Yet the sadness is still there. The emptiness has settled in once more, almost as if it never left. These are the feelings I hate the most. It's why I love to hug him, cuddle next to him when were falling asleep. It's the moments when we're together that I don't feel dull, void, left without purpose. Because when I'm with him, as fucking god damn cheesy as this sounds, life doesn't need to have a purpose.

I'm terrified to walk into my room and see a single silver key lying on my desk.

I'm afraid to walk into my room and find it already occupied by someone I know.

What I'm scared of the most though? 

Is once again being swallowed 

up by the emptiness.

Different Philosophies

    I feel like recently I've been posting a lot of lovey things. Which I apologize for, but I've found that thinking about him is a good escape from reality. I don't want to put words where there are none, but I just....
    Recently, I was out drinking with some friends. We were walking back home, it was late probably around 2 am. Aster and I were walking ahead while our two friends were somewhere behind us. Maybe it was the alcohol or the sleepiness in me but at one point I apologized to him. 'I'm sorry I joke so much about you going off to find the love of your life.'
    I've been making a lot of those jokes recently, in some way shape or form. Maybe it's me trying to push him away. Why? I don't know. Cause everyone always leaves, that's just how life works. Still he always replies with the cheesiest of answers; 'But the love of my life is right here.' or 'I'll never get bored of you.' And other variations. I tend to deflect them as easily as I deflect comments.
    Yet, when I apologized he said it was OK, because he understood where I was coming from. The fact that I know so many people that were in long and loving marriages or pairs only to break up after ten plus years. It sways my opinion, makes me believe that everything will end sooner or later. He on the other hand has a different experience. He doesn't know any divorced pairs or family members. His parents meet in college and love each other to this day. Our beliefs of love are the complete opposite of each other.
    He wants to show me that this could last, that this can last. While I smile and enjoy the time I have believing it will one day end. For all the outside voices say that the first never lasts. You're young, you should meet new people! I don't much care for there opinions, but I still receive them.
    Still after telling me it was ok and that he understood he said something. 'I take you and this relationship seriously.' It should be obvious, we want to move in together, we want to live on our own together. All the signs of a serious relationship, but to hear it out loud. For some reason I was surprised. I didn't say that though, instead I probably said the most sincere thing I ever have to him. 'I take this seriously too. It may not always seem like it, but I know if I did something to fuck this up I'd hate myself for a long time.'
    I quickly changed the subject and right after split from the group as we were near my house. Aster left the subject at that. I hope he never brings it up again.
    Still, I hate even writing this, but a teeny tiny part of me is starting to believe him. That same part paints that blasted picture inside my head whenever I go to bed. It wasn't always there, it just started popping up recently. I hate it. Yet it also helps me get through the week. Helps me get to Thursday evening where I can finally see him again. Ahhhhh, I fucking hate this I sound like a silly love struck teen.
    Damn it, Aster's recently been searching for this place. If he finds it and reads this he's definitely going to bug me about that picture. I really think I'd rather die than say it aloud.....

One of my favorite things

    My eyes are closed but I can tell it's dark. Still I don't feel fear, instead excitement seems to be flowing through me, anticipation as if I were waiting for something. I can tell I'm sitting Indian-style on some cool grass, there are people all around me, talking and laughing. It's warm, a summer night.
    Leaning back I bump into someones legs, but they don't jump or move away, so they must not mind. I lean back on them and they run their hand through my hair. It's comforting and fills me with warmth.
    I continue to keep my eyes closed, until I'm startled by a loud singular bang in the sky. Quickly opening my eyes I look up to see a vanishing 'star.' It takes less than a second for three more gold fireworks to whiz up into the sky before exploding into showering sparks. A few more pop up right after, different colors this time, some red and a few others are green. A noisy one flies high into the sky making a loud whizzing noise before it disappears.
    My eyes are glued to the sky, for I finally know where and more precisely when I am. How long has it been since I last saw Ty's fireworks?

Year's. 

    It's breathtakingly beautiful and I soak in every 'shooting star' as they fly across the sky before disappearing. All the noise and the colors, the flowers that come into full bloom, but only for a second before they fade. The show last only half an hour, but I bask in it's beauty, not knowing when I'll get to see such a sight again.
    Eventually the finally starts and it's so loud and the sky turns so bright and colorful that it feels like it's daytime. My eyes, water up, because of course I'm going to feel sentimental about something stupid like this. This was one of my favorite things about living in america, it's amazing fourth of July firework shows. Still the explosive finally finishes and the sky returns to it's former dark self.
    The people around me clap and cheer, slowly rising from their chairs and gathering their things. The show ended so it's time to go still I don't want to move. I want to see more, but I can't.
    I turn around to talk to the human behind me, who I used as a pillow for a good part of the show, but find the chair to be vacant. Whoever was there is now gone. Guess, this just proves it was all a dream. I stand and stretch out my stiff muscles, thats what happens when you stay in the same position for so long. I feel myself starting to wake up, so I glance around one last time at my childhood home.

Till next time I suppose.

Am I okay?

I've become dependent on....

I can't go a day without thinking about...

I feel better, but...

Am I really better?

I haven't done it in so long.

Maybe almost two years now, maybe three? I'm not really sure.

Whenever I feel the need, I think about.....

The look in their eyes, having to explain myself.

Maybe what I'm most afraid of is them not noticing.

Just like everyone else.

Does it matter?

As long as I'm not doing it....

That means I'm okay.

I'm okay...

Am I okay?

It's normal to have quiet days.

To have sad days.

To not want to leave your room.

To hate going to school.

To keep smiling even if you aren't happy.

That's normal....right?

I've noticed that I have two types of loud laughs. 

One is my normal everyday loud laugh.

The other only ever seems to come out when I'm with.....

It's spontaneous and sudden, 

almost embarrassingly loud,

 but I feel so free when it happens.

Only ever with him.

Why is that? 

I look forward to those days, as soon as the week begins.

It's unhealthy, looking towards a specific day every singe week, 

because that's the day.....

I'm sane because of them.

I want to live because of them.

But there's a small part of me tucked away waiting for everything to 

be ripped away from me.

Waiting for them to say goodbye.

Another part of me wants this, 

because I fear this dependency.

I live because they haven't given me permission to die.

I live because someone makes me happy.

I live to see their smile and hear their laugh. 

What happens when all of that is suddenly gone?

I'll cry, 

bleed,

 hide away 

and loose a 

small part of myself.

But will I last?

I don't know.

That's why I ask...

Am I okay?

Paniced Breath's

    Its been three nights. Not in a row thankfully, but I've had this dream three times. For the first time in my life it's not a random dream featuring the same element over and over again. Instead it's a continuation. It's so plain and realistic that by the time I realize it's a dream, it's too late.
    I'm in my home and I just woke up to go to the bathroom. A very normal occurrence for me as I tend to do this once or twice a night. I do my business and am on my way to my room when I hear it. A soft voice says something along the lines of "Man, this place sure has changed."
    The voice was feminine, I find myself waking in a sudden panic. Completely unaware I had been dreaming until I had opened my eyes. That was the first one.
    The second one started the same, me waking, bathroom and walking back. When I hear the creak of someone just getting on the stairs and a very detailed human silhouette just starting to climb them. Awake in a semi-panic once again.
    The last one I had was just a few moments ago. It starts just a tad differently. I'm sleeping in bed, when I am woken by Aster, which for once isn't strange because he's staying the night. He pulls me into his arms and I fall back asleep. 
    A little while later I wake up to go to the bathroom again. This is were the dreams overlap again. I walk out and this time I see her. Standing on the stairs, fixing her makeup. She reminds me of my mother when she had deep red hair. Except there was something off about her, as if she were mixed with my aunt she gave off a harpy like feeling.
    For some reason a part of my brain thought she wasn't real so I decided to make a noise. The lady didn't even flinch. But for some reason this scared me even more and I shouted Asters name and ran into the room. He wakes and I quickly tell him there's someone in the house, but he doesn't understand, he doesn't hear or see anything. I turn to the door and all I see is her shadow in the hallway right before my room and I wake.
    Panicked, because I was so sure that was all real, but none of that happened. I walk to the bathroom needing to make sure she's no longer there and she isn't but I'm still scared.

Why am I dreaming like this?

 What was that?

 What did that mean?

 Why can't a get a full nights rest for once?

    I don't know what any of this means or why it's happening. What could my subconscious be trying to tell me? Maybe I'll look for more info in the morning, but really what am I suppose to search for? Red haired, mom look alike, slowly stalking me through my home? I don't know what to do.

I just want to sleep.   

Why am I up here again!?

    So here I am again. I think looking around my gray mind-scape. Still the same as it was last time, surprisingly nothings really changed too much. There seem to be a few more fireflies from last time. The willow's looking beautiful with its dark bark and stunning leaves. There seems to be a new color popping up, a dark red? There are only a few of those colored leaves, but they seem to be closer to the ground than the others, so these are newer memories. I go to touch one, curious as to what it will play in my mind but
"There's no way I'm letting you escape from this."
Shit, it's...
"You bet your fucking non-virgin pussy it's me."
    I turn around and less than a foot away is a dark green human silhouette with a mouth. That's new. "It Jashin damn is and guess what I'm not fucking happy about it. You know why I have this new accessory on my face, Greasy Ears?" I shrink back knowing the answer and feeling somewhat ashamed.
    "You bet you're ass you should be ashamed of yourself!" I've been unconsciously moving back during this entire encounter trying to escape from my persona, even though I know it's moot. When my back hit's my tree I know I can't escape. How did I let it come to this?
    "Oj, puppykicker look at me when I'm talking to you, cause I'm down right pissed and I don't need your inner sappy monologue butting in."
Sorry..
    "I'm not accepting any apology from you." They get right in my face and I look where eyes should be, where a glare should be. I'm still terrified. "I said I hate coming up here and look what you've done, you've brought two of us up here in a matter of weeks! What the hell is going on with you? The funny part is you act like this on the dot almost every year."
What do you mean by that I ask, curious I'm not an actor.
    "Last time I was brought up here it was the 24th of march 2017. It's just over a year raincloud." Despite the lack of facial features, aside from the very large mouth I could very easily tell that my persona was tense with rage. "Shut up!" At that moment I feel a strong pain in my jaw and my knees crumple under me. Did they just punch me?
    "Your damn right I did, cause you're starting to piss me off! It's so obvious as to why I'm here and yet you're avoiding the answer like a sleazy politician. You know exactly why I'm here and if you dare deny it I am going to kick you in the balls." 
    I sigh, before nodding. Lightly cupping my check and looking towards the cliff where they all seem to come from. I've been too lazy recently. This gets a snort from the other, but I continue knowing what has to be done. I don't even have any excuses I know I'm just trying to avoid everything for as long as possible.
Probably explains why I've been writing so much.
"You write to de-stress, that hasn't changed about you."
I'm under that much stress?
"You're really good at hiding it."
I'm a fucking moron.
"Forever and always."
    There's silence between us for a moment as I let my actions sink in. It has been bad lately, really bad. "Exactly, that's why I'm here to fucking get your head out of your ass. Stop over thinking everything. Now I hate to repeat myself, but it seems I have to when it comes to you.
    You aren't a genius, never will be. Guess what though, that's perfectly okay. The fact that you take longer to learn things, are a bit slow on the uptake sometimes, that's alright too. 
    Look at you last time I was here you were a loner you only had yourself and a few others. Now though, now you have actual friends and people to talk to. Ask for help and get to know. It's not looking anywhere near as dreary as it was last time. So get to fucking work you lazy ass. 
    After this semester you have a three month long break, three whole months! Think of all the things you won't have to do then! Maybe you'll actually finish Monster this summer, probably get another tattoo if you go to the festival thingy, get drunk with your friends. Look at all the things awaiting you on the horizon. 
    There's one catch though, you have to pass this semester and stay in school. Work hard for 2 and a half months so that way you can have three months of laziness. I say that's a fair trade." At some point they crossed their arms, making them seem even more important.
    When it's thrown in my face like that I have to accept that I've been running. Damn, I have a shit ton of work ahead of me. "Yup," they reply pulling me up from the ground and putting their semi-translucent hand over my shoulder "but I know you can do. Plus that vacation time sounds like so much fun."
    I nod and sigh. This is going to suck. "Ya, but would you rather have that stone filled in already?" 
    I glance at the mentioned stone, situated near the cliffs end, before shaking my head. Not ready for that just yet, too many interesting things going on at the moment.
    "Exactly," they say letting go of me and walking towards the edge. "do I have to mention what's going to happen if I'm brought up here again?" I shake my head, it's sort of obvious. "Keep at it kid, you're finally past the halfway point." 
    With that they fall over the edge and disappear into the darkness bellow. Damn, greeny's going to kick my ass the next time we're going to be face to face again.