Something lighter

    Can't sleep again. Woo hoo! Least it's Friday means I can sleep in tomorrow, too bad my body will wake up around eight or nine out of pure habit. 'Oh, I haven't been sleeping too well recently I should sleep a bit longer to charge up my battery more. Nahh.' Thanks natural rhythm or whatever the fuck that's called. Ugh, my english is getting terrible. Soon my little bro will be speaking better than me, makes me want to cry just a bit. Meh, at least I can always beat him up if he bugs me too much. Fear is still on my side.
    I swear one time my brother was taunting me, sizing me up, trying to get me irritated, it was super funny. Instead of rising to the bait though I just gave him a toothy grin and took a step forward. The kid screamed like a little girl and ran out of the room. I swear it was the funniest shit. My mom was in the room too and we laughed our asses off.
    I'll explain why this is so funny, see my brother was about 16 at the time. He'd hit his growth spurt early that year and was a good foot or two taller than me and weighed probably 50 pounds more than me as well. So seeing a huge ass kid running from his tiny older sister is fucking great. I swear I'm never going to let him live that one down. Black mail gold!
    On more recent terms I've mentioned that I've gotten accepted into uni and well so far it's awesome. My classes are interesting, my schedule allows me to wake up at eight everyday and still get to school on time, which really that was my biggest concern. All in all I don't mind going to school as much as I thought I did. The only reason I hated going to school was the early waking hours and coming home with a migraine, but one has been taken care of and the other one doesn't happen as often as it used to which is nice.
    Still I'm having trouble getting to know the people that I'm studying with. I will admit that I'm really not trying too hard on that front, but being able to have a casual conversation with them would be nice. Doesn't really happen though, honestly there are days where I speak more to my teachers than to the students around me. Today for example we had math exercises, which aren't bad really aside from the stress of having to go up to the blackboard, but other than that, no biggie. They teach us more than their lecture equivalent that's for sure. I'd probably fail the class without the exercises.
    Anyway our exercise group teacher happens to be the director of our building, not the whole campus just the sole math building on it. Still I was unaware of this for a while, because when he introduced himself he used a word that made no sense to me. It wasn't until I got home that my father explained to me what that word meant. When I understood it's significance well I got a bit nervous. When I went up to the blackboard that lesson I told the guy I had absolutely no idea what he wanted me to do. All I saw were symbols and letters and none of them made sense to me. Sigh, how I miss the days where math was just numbers.
    Still I sort of talked backed to him a bit and I might have not spoken to him using formal verbs and tenses and crap so I freaked out a tiny bit. But when the next lesson rolled around the teacher/director was his usual self and seemed to not hold any ill will towards me. The guy in general is really nice and friendly, willing to show my group everything and explain it correctly even though he knows none of us regularly attend the lectures for the subject. It's because of this I feel fairly relaxed around him and end up doing silly things.
    Today for example he told us our first test was coming up in about two weeks time and joked about how he couldn't wait to see our eyes bulge when we saw the test he was going to prepare. The room was silent as it usually is. I swear my group is afraid the teachers will bite them if they speak out of turn. Still in the silence I reply 'Well it's only fair you get a few minutes of entertainment since you're going to be sitting there and doing nothing for two hours.' My year-mates are silent, as usual, while my brain is screaming at me 'what did you just say!?' Luckily though, surprisingly too, my teacher laughs and continues joking by saying 'Darn, you figured me out. Ruining my fun. I was waiting to surprise you all.' Lessons than continued as normal, but still my behavior towards my teachers/professors surprises me.
    In school I was always the quiet one, sitting somewhere near the front and taking notes and being that good student. Now though, well I'm still that, but instead of staying constantly silent I speak out. Talk with my professors, answer questions when I can, interact with them like what normal people do or well used to do at least. I'm comparing myself to my year mates at the moment, more precisely the group I have all my exercises classes with. There are thirteen of us and well in general it's really quiet during lessons. They never talk with each other much, just the occasional whisper and when the teacher asks questions, answers from them are rare.
    It's something I'm not used to. My high school class was the trouble making one, always loud and obnoxious. While the few months I went to a different uni were similar. I ended up in a group with plenty of jokers so exercise lesson were lively. Here, suddenly everyones constantly quiet and it's just so new for me that it tilts me a bit off balance. It's probably why I banter and joke with the professors now, because there is no one else doing so, no one else cracking jokes or making class a tad more amusing.
    I should clarify now that I'm not some class clown that cracks a joke every chance they get, nor have I suddenly had a personality change. I guess I've just gotten to this point in my life where I don't care how others see me anymore. I'm comfortable in my own skin, this is me. It also helps that 90% of our prof's are between the age of 30 and 40 which is the age of most of my friends from Kung Fu. It's just a tad bit weird for me, though I'm mostly worried I'll accidentally forget myself one time and use the improper you thus maybe getting in trouble.
    For now though I guess I'll just be that strange enigma in class that jokes and banters with the professors, is in general friendly with everyone, but comes off as a bit too weird for my age group. Meh, a bit confusing but whatever~

Maybe Ill see you around.

A Fool

I'm such a fool.

    Looking at my last post I want to laugh and cry at the same time, because come Saturday my relationship with Aster just might end. For all I know it could already be over. I don't fucking know. The only thing I do know is that I fucked up- on his birthday of all days.
    I'm past the phase of being angry at myself, that lasted barely more than an hour or two. I quickly moved into regret and emptiness. That hollow feeling that I spoke of before, many times in fact, set back in once again. I can feel it now, constantly. It's like a darkness that's sucking me in trying to ease me back into the shadows, while I try in vain to fight it off. I almost gave in too, the blade was calling to me. My soul screaming out to do it, to do something, because pain is better than being numb. Luckily though I kept myself from going down that path again. Looking back to my second year of high school I remember I was even more miserable than. So I ignored the call, the want, distracted myself, reminded myself that there are two people in the world who will always be there for me even if the live across the ocean. 
    Once I entered the numb stage, everything seemed to go back to normal, but really that was just the surface. Inside it's hollow, so so very hollow that I hate it. This feeling of emptiness is awful, but there's nothing I can do about it. There is a small part of me that hopes. Maybe I didn't screw up as badly as I though, maybe he will contact me and we will get this sorted out, maybe, maybe,maybe. Every time that side pops up I try to squash it like the annoying fly it is. I really don't want to build up hope, because that always comes crashing down. 
    Instead I just lay awake at night, because that's when the monsters come out to play. Wondering if he will contact me by Saturday. If he will write anything. If he doesn't, after a whole week of silence, well I will take that as a we're done. If he does though, well I don't know about that either really. That one has more than one possibility and my mind seems to have come up with so many of them. 
    It's Wednesday, almost Thursday, I'm writing a blog post at my usual time 23:00+. My brain wants to know, my heart wants to drive over to his house, apologize while on my knees and my soul. Well my soul is crying, while also trying to keep me from falling into the darkness again.
    It's working on some level, but I have noticed that I've started to isolate myself from others. Slowly but surely, I'm friendly and fairly open to everyone in my new class/group/year, but I can tell I add in a bit of extra weird into me to scare people off. I'm probably afraid to meet new people, because I'm so used to losing them that I just don't know how much more I can take. My brother has the same problem. He's afraid to make friends, because he's tired of losing them. I understand this, that's why when he told me I didn't reprimand him for his decisions just smiled and said "We've been through a lot of emotional shit in our lives and we aren't even 20 yet." He just cracked a watery smile. 
    I wonder if I'm going to lose another person close to me? I don't want to, but if it does happen than I will mourn, probably close in on myself a bit, afraid to let others in again and maybe one day I'll open up a bit. 

    Maybe one day the fear of losing someone close will become acceptance. People come and go in the world, so enjoy the time you have with them, savor the memories. And when they leave make sure to open the door for them and holler out a goodbye. Watch their back disappear out on the horizon and ignore the tears gliding down your cheeks.

A Fcking Love Letter

I always thought something like this was silly, stupid and pointless, yet here I am writing it. Although I have written a 'poem' for you so I guess that's worse. Still I write to understand my emotions and I guess this was bound to happen. So here I fucking go, run while you still can.

    Recently I told you that I felt there was something I should tell you, but I didn't know what it was. It's the weirdest feeling having your heart scream at you while your brain just hides in a corner, unable to understand what exactly the heart and soul are trying to explain. Still it's a feeling I get whenever I'm with you or trying and failing to fall asleep. Frustrating is putting it lightly, because I don't know how to go about solving this problem. Maybe this can help me a bit though.
    You're often the last thing I think about before going to bed. When I can't fall asleep I try to picture you next to me, gently breathing through your mouth. When I'm scared I shut my eyes and pretend your warmth is surrounding me, your arm is wrapped around my shoulder and your breath is tickling my ear. 
    Fridays are the days I look forward to the most, not because of the weekend, but because I know I will get to see you. While Sundays are now the saddest of days, because that's when our weekend is over and we separate for the next five days. 
    I feel so full around you. (I could almost say whole.) When I'm with you I just feel so content and sometimes even happy. Even when we are just sitting next to each other and doing our own separate things I still feel whole. Like the world is almost right and if I died right then, well I'd be okay with it. 
    Before I even knew it you broke through my walls and made yourself comfortable. If only you knew how much that terrified me, because in a way I allowed this. I was so curious about the quiet long haired boy that sat across from me. I never really pursued you though, because I had so much bullshit in my life that I was more interested in screwing my head back in place. Still one day you came to me and I was happy, over joyed because I thought maybe this could be a new friend. I was so friend starved after moving that I opened a window and decided to watch. To my surprise you climbed in and stayed despite all the hints of a broken past and me showing off my true colors fairly early on. I saw no reason to sprinkle myself in rainbows and candy. At the time I was so sick of all the lies and the back stabbing, so I let myself be vulnerable. 
    You stayed for some reason, honestly every time I see you I'm still surprised, still amazed. How are you still here? Why do you keep coming back? I try not to think about that. Instead focusing on you just being here and coming back. Enjoying the time I have with you and the moments we share. Still as much as I try not to think about it there is still the evil part in my brain that whispers "One day he will leave, so run first before he hurts you."
    I can't run though. I'm in so deep that it's impossible for me. Before I knew it you became a focus for me, something that chases away the depression, the dark thoughts, the death. Sure it still looms over me occasionally, but you, without even realizing it, help chase it away. I will forever be grateful to you for that. That doesn't mean you yourself don't create your own shadows. They are never as bad and just tend to be doubts that randomly appear. Something that everyone in a relationship must go through. Those are thoughts I chase away with the simple phrase of "If it happens than it happens, I will just have to cherish the time I get with you."

The point of maybe this whole fucking Jashin damn letter is this.

    Aster I love you so much that I feel like the word love isn't a good enough description of the way I feel about you. You make me feel almost complete and whole. You help me forget about the glove I wear, the scars I hold inside and outside. You mean the world to me and I would go to hell and back for you. 

This terrifies me to no end, but I'm going to keep moving forward anyway. 

The thing that annoys me the most though.

I don't think I will ever have the guts to send this to you let alone say it to your face.   

xxx

Template-less

I keep waking up. Every time I try to sleep.

I keep seeing something in nothing lying in bed late at night.

I keep thinking I'll go to bed earlier the next night. Still when I do I end up staying awake.

I keep gazing into the darkness, looking for something I know isn't there- searching.

Searching for something I know I once had, but now is gone.

How do you look for something when you yourself are unaware of what it is you are looking for?

The only thing I know, is that I won't find it with my eyes.

It's pointless to keep searching. Looking for something I will most likely stumble upon.

That's how life tends to work isn't it? You find it by accident or you never find it at all.

Still I keep looking with my meaningless eyes. Searching with my soul

Sleep evades me in this search. Allowing me to stay up and ponder, but I don't want this anymore.

I keep waking up as if I'm grasping for something, someone. 

I keep feeling this empty hole in my chest whenever I'm alone.

I keep wondering what is wrong. Am I slowly losing my mind?

I keep gazing into the darkness, searching for something I know isn't there.

Still my mind seems to know, but my soul still cries.

Empty, I feel so very empty. 

Emotions are there, but they come so suddenly, so abruptly and it scares me in a way. 

The dull buzz of boredom is a constant when in school, even though I'm excited to learn.

Steel nerves and irritation always arrive on time for a spar.

Sadness though, that is something that keeps appearing more and more often leaving me confused.

How is it that I feel empty yet overwhelmed at certain times?

I keep feeling this helplessness and wonder why?

I keep questioning the tears and their reason for falling.

I keep thinking I can't be happy, not now.

I keep longing something I don't know if I will ever have.

Did you know I cry now, every time I drop you off?

I don't really understand why.

Did you know that I have so many things I want to say to you, ask you, but never do?

It's because I'm scared of losing you.

Do you know that ever since you left I have felt hollow inside?

The world really is a cruel place.

Do you know that I feel like I'm mourning with you?

It feels like I'm channeling a small part of you.

Are you aware that you will out live me?

No, neither am I.

Still I feel like the end of something is near, but what that is I do not know.

My soul seems to though, for it seems to be in constant pain.

Still I wish I could sleep.

I wish I could focus on the good things.

I wish I could focus on the time I had, not the time I have left.

This almost feels like a goodbye. 

It's just me wishing for sleep.

Still I love you both.

Could you share some warmth with me?

 I really just want to sleep.

Fucking Tears

    I want a hug. I don't even know why I just do. I'm crying for some reason, well I started crying after reading Larspurs beautiful post and now I just can't stop and I want a hug.
    Lately I've felt way more emotional than usual and I keep telling myself to start meditating again, but I never do. I don't quite understand all these things going on inside me. It's probably stress coming and going so my body really doesn't know what to do with it, leaving me a frazzled wreck. I was so stressed before finding out I got accepted into uni, but once I did it felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. For a few days I felt like my old self, all back to my normal, snarky, laid back self. Then the day before school started I found out I hadn't been assigned to a group yet, no big deal monday was suppose to be an organization day so I could just ask the office for help. When I went to the student office they informed me that they couldn't tell me and I should try the secretary. Called her and only found out that the teacher in charge of my year would be able to tell me, but he wasn't going to be in till later and even then she wasn't sure if he'd be here.
    Well fucking fantastic what was I suppose to do if he didn't come? Still I tried to relax and told myself to calm down that he would probably be there to at least introduce himself to the year. He was thankfully there and later that evening I found my group. So I started to attend classes and everything's okay till I find out we have english. Okay, no big deal I know english, but I don't see it on my subjects list and when I wrote to my teacher he said that the list should be updated again today and I would probably be on there. I would be on there if it wasn't for one little thing. I hadn't signed up for english. I was completely unaware that I had to sign up for it in my own. The whole time I'm wondering how my classmates knew about this. Is there some website where they are reading all this info from that I don't know about? I ended up signing up for english after taking a competency test, of course I got the highest (at least I think it's the highest) grouping C2. Still doesn't change the fact that I signed up for it this evening when we have english tomorrow morning. Now there are six groups and this will be the first meeting, so I could just go to one of the meetings and pretend to belong than hope the english list is updated and I'm put into a proper group by monday, which also happens to be the next day we have english classes.
    There is also a part of me that wants to say fuck the english classes cause I know what they are going to be like and I am aware that I am going to be fucking bored. I really wish I would stop crying, I don't even know why I am anymore.

    Maybe it's because I'm in college despite all the odds. I got in by the skin of my teeth. Literally was the last person on the acceptance list. I'm scared yet terrified, because this time there are no second chances and I can't fuck this up. 

Maybe it's from my lack of sleep on sunday, thus screwing up my whole sleep schedule on the first week of school. 

Maybe it's the fact that this could be the end with Aster, maybe sometime soon and I just don't know how I will survive after something like that happens.

 Maybe it's the fact that I'm so intimidated by my fellow classmates that I can't even say a word to them, so I can't make friends. 

Maybe I'm just so fucking tired of life, of hiding things, of lying that when I got a chance to be myself with someone, no strings attached, I loved it so much that now I feel like I'm dieing on the inside and I don't know what to do. Took a whole fucking month for it to settle in, but hey it got here on the worst week possible. 

So here I sit and cry for some fucking stupid reason, feeling completely dead on the inside and wondering how to feel okay again. If I will ever feel full, complete, happy again.      

 

A Wall

There are two doors separating us at this very moment. Two plain brown wooden doors. Yet these simple everyday objects seem like a wall of massive proportions. There are no entry signs all over the place and barb wire lines the top. Still you feel an urge to try to pass this obstacle because on the other side is someone you care about and they are in pain. Some of it is physical yes, but most of it seems to be emotional something you are horrendous with, yet you still wish to be with them to be able to help them in some way to comfort them. You can't though because of this wall built by the one on the other side, before it was erected you ran to them and tried to get them to open up, to show them that you care and it doesn't matter, but they rejected you. Now you sit on the other side and wonder how to get around this iron defense, how to break through and show them that it doesn't matter and that everything will be okay eventually.
That's all it really ends up being though- thinking. You are awful at these sort of things, trying to comfort or cheer someone up. Never had a natural talent for it even though you wished you did. Honestly, you feel terrible on the inside that you can't do anything to help, even though you seem the struggling you feel the pain your going through. Sure, you may not understand completely, but if given a chance than you could at least empathize with their situation. Provide some sort of support or be a crutch. How can you help someone when they refuse any hand you hold out.
Emotions were never your strong point, still aren't. You don't always understand, but you know the pain they can cause, the stress they can bring into your life. There is something that you can sympathize with. Still though you stare at the wall in front of you and hope one day they will hear your voice and know that they can always come to you.
You can't and won't blame them for closing in on themselves and bottling everything up, because you do the same thing they do. Have done in the past and will most likely do in the future. There will be one difference between your situations. You will be standing on the other side of their wall, waiting. One day they will be ready, eventually they will allow you in. Maybe not very deep, maybe just enough to help them get some of the stress away, but that's okay. Because in the end you just want to help them in any way you can.