Just a dream - 2

    My mind is calm while I fall deeper into my dreamless sleep. And I can't help but snuggle into my warm sheets more. This peace doesn't last long though as I'm suddenly violently woken from my sleep when my phone goes off. I tumble from my cover, trying to untangle my feet and answer my phone. I glance at the clock to see it read 2:49 and wonder who in there right mind is calling me at this hour? "Hello," I yawn into the speaker phone not bothering to check caller ID, I'd chew the sucker out later for now my thoughts were only for my bed. "Hey, sorry I woke you." said a very familiar yet strange voice, I glance at the ID and find it to be Aster. It was strange, because we never call each other over the phone, so hearing his voice surprised me.
    "Aster, did something happen?" I asked honestly worried, his best friends birthday was today and I didn't expect him to contact me at all today.
    "Can I ask a favor?" He sounds sheepish and almost embarrassed, but I reply with a confirmation and wait for his favor. "Can I sleep at your house?" I'm honestly a bit surprised, but before I can reply he goes to explain himself, "It's just late and I'm super tired and I don't feel like walking home and the next bus is in an hour, but if it makes you uncomfortable than it's ok I can walk home. Never mind this was stupid sorry for waking you."
    This was all said so quickly that I needed a moment to register it and I quickly spoke up to keep him from hanging up."Aster, wait. It's ok." I stress the last part wanting to make sure that he knows I'm not upset with him or something. "You can sleep here, just text me when you're here so you don't wake my family."
    I can hear the amusement in his voice after he thanks me and say "You can open the doors now, but if you want I can text you first." This only causes me to roll my eyes at his silliness before hanging up and making my way to the front door. Unlocking it I find my Aster leaning against the rail and smiling like a loon, the alcohol must still be in his system, because his smiles were only ever that wide when he had something to drink. He hugs me and gives me a peck on the cheek, before trying to say something. I quickly shush him though, so he takes off his shoes and jacket and we make our way stealthily to my room.
    Once inside he hugs me again and leans his head against my shoulder while thanking me, I only smile and tell him to get off so I can find him some pj's to wear. It's a good thing I enjoy male and unisex clothes or else he'd have to sleep in his underwear, then again maybe he prefers that? I toss him a pair of green boxers and a black t-shirt that he dutifully puts on, while I turn around. We may be a couple, but we haven't gotten past first base and we weren't in a hurry.
    With that out of the way I thought about sleeping arangments, I could either put him in the office since there was a futon there or my brothers room. Although the second option wasn't the best idea, since that room was filled with dust. So I asked him where he'd prefer to sleep, he surprised me with his answer, "Can I sleep with you?"
    This was most definitely shocking and I had to ask him, "You mean you want to sleep in my twin sized bed with me?" At this I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow, "I don't think we can fit."
    "Please," he spoke and gave me the puppy dog eyes. Curse him and those eyes! Giving in I motioned to my bed and got in with him following after me. We somehow managed to fit and get comfortable enough to fall asleep in a mater of moments.
    When I awoke it was to the feeling of someone breathing lightly on my face and a heat next to my body. It took me a moment to realize Aster was in my bed and we seemed to be cuddling in a way. It was nice. Usually when I awaken on a weekend I tend to get out of bed immediately, this time though I couldn't help but snuggle into the body next to mine and fall back asleep for another hour.

It's Saturday and it's not like I have plans for today anyway.   

Push

I often find myself wishing that I was born in a different time, a simpler time. One where I don't have so many choices, one where the path seems to be so cloudy that even once you've made a decision you still doubt yourself. You still doubt whether or not what you are doing is right. It's why I love books where the main character seems to have a certain path set for him. They have their own destiny's that they can full fill. It helps them grow, mature and develop into this amazing person that you can't help but wish to be wish to become. It's easy for me to get sucked into a game where you have a clear cut goal and you know exactly what you have to do to achieve it. It's harder to complete something when your end goal is abstract or just not physical. My goal in life is to live a comfy and easy going life. One where I don't have to be too stressed about money or politics, one that allows me to just find and be myself to those I care about. It's simple enough honestly, but in this case the saying 'The simple things are usually the best,' well it doesn't apply here.
    I wish I was born as a boy in a far away time, where I could inherit my families business or become an apprentice to someone and learn from them until I could take care of myself. I think I'd be happier without all the extra stuff. All the doubts, thoughts about life, mysteries and questions that you'll probably never be able to answer. It makes living now more difficult.
    I sorta feel like a cat without an owner. Sure, I can live without one, but at the same time my life would be just a bit brighter with one. It makes me wish that my dad wasn't so ambitious. That he'd allow me to just quite and start at the bottom and slowly make my way up. I'd never get to the top, but I don't even want to get that high. Maybe if he pushed me and encouraged me I'd be able to get myself to do something, but he doesn't. He's just this big wall that blocks off a few paths that I can't take because he doesn't approve of them. Once I choose a path that is permitted the wall disappears and I'm to walk on my own. The first few steps tend to be the easiest, since they tend to be the most obvious, but after a while I get tired or bored and I start to look behind me wondering if any of the other paths were more interesting or the better choice. I'm left to my thoughts wondering what the hell am I doing with my life. No ones there to really give me a push and a few words of encouragement, to remind me that I can't turn back now or I'll never get anywhere with my life. I'll get stuck in that same place over and over again, until one day I won't be able to move, one day I'll just become an empty shell of a human being.
    My friends always laugh at me when I call other people humans instead of assigning them gender roles and one of my friends always asks if I don't see myself as a human. To which I always laugh and say I do, but don't bother explaining myself to them. How long till I stop feeling human? How long till I start to let those thought in. You know those thoughts, the ones at the back of your mind that will occasionally slip through at random moments in your life. The ones that remind you that your life has no purpose not really, aside from the obvious mate so that the human race doesn't go extinct. I feel like that trait has gone dormant in some, because of overpopulation. It has in me I think. I find no reason to settle down, marriage doesn't appeal to me. And the thought of having a child terrifies me to the very core. I have had panic attacks when people teased me about having a child. The very thought made me want to throw up and hide in my room till the end of my time. People say that will change when I find the one and all that bullshite, but really? I tend to have difficulty believing in that load of bull since there is no such thing as the one. That's enough of a digression I think...
    For some reason I'm starting over again, for the nth time and this will have to be my last, because if I can't bring myself to do something, then I think it could very well be the end. What's the point in trying to do anything else if your father won't allow you? Especially since he doesn't take an avid active interest in your life. Sure, he asks all the questions that he's suppose to 'hows school,' 'are you alright with funds,' 'are you feeling ok?' That's it though. I used to really enjoy the amount of freedom I have. It wasn't too much or to little and somehow I came out more whole then broken, even if there are a few scars. Now though when I could use some physical support, there's just no one there. I have all the spirit I need from Larkspur. She urges me to make the right decisons and helps me with all the emotional crap and I'm sure if there wasn't so much distance between us then she'd be smacking me every time I whined about a test or put off studying for to long. That's just the kind of person she is. It's strange to be asking for someone that is sorta like a mentor.
    When I first started kung fu there was a man there that lead the beginners class that wasn't one of the founders of the school, but he had been training for over ten years and seemed to enjoy teaching, so the founders gladly gave him the newbies class. I think it's thanks to him that I feel in love with martial arts. For the first time in ages I really enjoyed a physical activity. He showed me that not all sports are dull and boring, but can be very rewarding after a while. He was someone I aspired to become. The way he lead the class was just amazing and I always look back on those first few years with a found smile on my face. I say look back because he doesn't teach there anymore. My friend told me that he got into a fight with one of the founders and they stopped speaking to each other, so now he doesn't go to practices anymore. I've now noticed that the school that I go to is slowly changing and I don't really like the changes I see. I can't say they are bad changes it's just I find myself lacking something after training. Where before I tended to come home exhausted and completely satisfied, now more often then not I find myself going out of habit. Because what else am I suppose to do on a Friday evening when I don't have plans? That teacher motivated me in a way, he set a goal for me that I never said out loud. To one day be able to have an even spar with him. I never got that spar and now even though I still train and practice, I still feel empty at times.
    I guess this shows that it's easier for me when I can see my goal, even if it's in the distance. Now I've gotten to the point in my life where I wish my parents pushed me in some way. They only ever pushed me to go to swim classes cause my father said I had to know how to swim and my mother wanted me to do some sort of exercise. Maybe that's why sports are easier for me now, because that's what my parents pushed for. I can't live off of sports though, the body ages and it's a short career to begin with. Making me wonder why can't I bring myself to move forward? Stop reading fanfiction, stop watching hours of youtube videos, stop drawing for days on end, stop procrastinating.
    One of the fanfics I read left something in my mind. the main character was surrounded by amazing and powerful people, but they themselves were average, nothing to note about them honestly. One day they decided if they couldn't be a natural genius, then why not be a genius of hard work? I wish I had the resolve of that character.

Maybe I'll see you around, but don't count on it.   

I'll try to explain

    As the title says I'm gonna try to explain something here. This post is meant for pretty much the only person that reads these pointless rambles, my sister. Although I'll explain it as if I was writing to no one, so my usual method of blabbering without words.
    Ok, so I have a boyfriend/ partner/ male human/ significant other (? ), I don't really like any of those titles, so I'm just going to call him Aster. We've been going out for a few months now and honest to gods we haven't touched first base yet. You could define our relationship as taking it slow. I have to put it out there that I really don't mind this fact, honestly I'm glad we aren't moving too quickly because I'm a silly awkward moron. Although it's gotten to the point that I'm worried I might be ruining what I have with Aster, which saddens me because I've become attached to him. My inner doubts are holding me back and I really really hate myself for it. Why won't I just take his hand? Why can't I just snuggle up to him? Why is it so difficult just to kiss his cheek? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why,why!? I think I sorta know why, but still it's just ugh!!! I hate myself for always questioning any of my actions around him. I hate the fact that I have to try to convince myself that it's ok to take his hand or sit closer to him. He is after all my Aster. Yes, I'm being possessive, I told you I got attached and because of that now I'm filled with fear and I hate myself for it. Fear of him getting bored of me, finding me to clingy or annoying. I really don't want to hinder or bother him.
    I have this thing, it's weird, but I hate being a bother. I'm not sure why I have this or how this came to be. I don't remember having this trait before my move, but I have it now and sigh it makes my life a bit more difficult. It's just this compulsion where if I feel like I'm intruding or over stepping my bounds I will almost immediately make an excuse and leave or be an asshole and just disappear. Because of this I can come off as rude or mean at times, even though I'm really not trying to be. I just hate imposing on people and bothering them. I have to convince myself half the time that yes, it's ok to ask my grandma to fix a hole in my pants, because she likes sewing and she's never said no to me. I'm not sure why I'm so insecure sometimes when I have those days where I couldn't give a bigger fuck what people think of me and am myself. Whenever I go to Kung Fu I tend to be myself, teasing people, helping out the newbies and cracking a joke now and then. It's like that with Parkour recently as well, although I'm just starting to feel comfortable there so I'm still a bit closed off.
    When it comes to Aster I can be myself and I feel comfortable around him and at ease, its just when we get to more intimate things I tend to close up. I just freeze and get super flustered and I can never seem to be the one to initiate the contact. I remember the first time I asked to hold his hand. If it wasn't so out dark I'm sure he would have seen that my face was completely red. Before that though I spent a good hour trying to convince myself to ask him if I can take his hand.
    I don't know how to explain this and really I'm doing a terrible job at it, but I want to explain it, maybe figure it out. Get somewhere, but I just don't know how. I feel as if I'm wasting Asters time and it's crossed my mind to tell him that we should split, because I'm a bloody worthless human that just doesn't know what to do. I'm held back by fear, because all the other boys that I ever had a crush on shunned me or made fun of me or ridiculed me. Those that did like me in return were quick to stab me in the back or decided to tease me instead. They hurt me and put me off from being in a relationship with another human. When Aster asked me though, I took the plunge after taking in a huge gulp of air. I didn't hesitate when he asked me and was honestly overjoyed when he did. I had that silly goofy smile on my face for the next two days. My brain was on a high that someone has feeling for me and they aren't hurting me in some way.
    This thing between Aster and I, I want to continue to see where it goes. What can come of it? How will it turn out? But I'm not letting it, because I'm afraid and I can't break that fear for some goddamn reason. How the hell can I go and do jumps from poles that result in falls and bruises or spar with bare fists with people that have been training kung fu for over ten years, but be unable to get intimate with someone I care about? I know I flinch when someone will go in for a hug unexpectedly or when my mother goes to touch my face, but this is Aster and for some reason I just can't do it. I'm held back by fear. Fear of losing him, because I'm just so tired of losing people. Damn it I'm starting to tear up, guess I found my reason why. I don't want to suddenly lose him, because not only have I gotten attached, but I've already lost/ let go of so many people that I don't want to any more.
    My father told me that I shouldn't get too hung up on this relationship, since the first one is rarely the last one. When he first said that I agreed, but I said I'd enjoy as much of it while I could. There's no reason to think a relationship will end, because that's what's going to happen. Now I'm fixated on something that may or may not happen, because I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to go back to that time right after my brother went or when my mom left. That was a depressing place and I don't want to go back, I'm so afraid of falling back into old habits. I still wear my glove, but you can only see the scares if you know they are there.
    I'm a terrible human being. It makes me glad I won't be here forever. One less piece of trash in the world. Still doesn't change that I'm a coward that can't bring herself to take a chance. Take a small risk with someone I care about, because I'm afraid of the repercussions. Jashin fucking damn it!
    A while back I gave this blog to Larkspur, because I had closed off from her completely. I would rarely write to her, maybe once a month just to show that I was alive, but in all honesty I was the crappiest friend then. That was over two years ago. The only reason I know that is because I saved the comment Larkspur wrote to me when I shared this blog. I don't remember the conversation exactly, but we were writing to each other on facebook for the first time in a long while and I felt that if I didn't do something I would lose her forever. So I took a chance, either lose her now since I was closing off from her or lose her because of my fucked up thoughts. Amazingly she stayed and I'm ever so grateful for her support since. She has become my rock in my fickle little world and I try to be there for her as well.
    See, I can take a leap of faith! It's just why can't I seem to bring myself to do it here? I've been sitting at my comp for over two hours and I've just blabbered on and on. Not sure if I explained anything really, but I might try, maybe. Jashin damn it.          

Windowless Thoughts

    The teachers excited voices filters through the room as he blabbers on and on about the different types of oscillation. I know I should be listening, but I can't help but drown it all out as I stare out the window. The view was really quite pleasant and I found it unsurprising that many students were doing the same thing I was. Just last week our Professor poked fun at one of the students starring out the window. Walking up to him and crouching down so they were at eye level and then making 'ooohhh' and 'ahhhh' sounds. This caused all of those paying attention to let out a laugh. The Professor then smiled and went back to his lecture uncaring of the student that wasn't paying attention. He was probably glad the young adult wasn't talking with his friends and disturbing him.
     So I here I was staring out the window taking in the view from the main building of my campus. When you stared out the window you were greeted by a a blue, partially cloudy sky, which was a blessing for it had been raining everyday for the past week. Although judging by the strong wind it would be raining once again this evening. Looking at the ground I saw the bare brown trees lined on both sides of the narrow drive, with old bricked sidewalks on both sides as well. Cars were parked along the right side and you could see the students coming and going from the campus, either going right through the small park towards the opera and trains, left making there way through old styled bricked building that seemed to have been here just as long as our school, or straight towards the trams that you could easily see driving by. The main street was about 500 meters from our school, but thanks to the trees, park and houses our campus wasn't that noisy, you know if you didn't include the students chatter.
    The campus in general was massive, well at least to me, compared to some posh super rich/important school in the states or great britan it might be small, but comparing it to my friends it was down right huge. In a way it was amazing and looking at it from far away, it was hard to tell that this was a school. Many of the buildings were old and made from red brick, but luckily many of them were renovated so the classrooms were comfortable. There were a few newer buildings as well, but I didn't have any lessons in them, so I don't know what they look like aside from the outside. They definitely stand out from the old style buildings making the campus seem a little mismatched, but honestly it gave it an interesting feel to say the least. Each building had it's own surprises, little nooks and crannies. The main building even had a sleeping room, for the more exhausted students. One of the buildings had a dragon statue on the ceiling, another an old tower that had a secret entrance. It gave the campus a character that I enjoyed.
    This place is amazing and I'm so lucky to have been accepted here, but I'm also worried. I'm not sure if I'll make it. This university is great, but it's also known for letting in a shit ton of people and then half of that shit ton ends up giving up/failing after the first semester, some after the first year. It makes me wonder if I'm going to be part of that group or will I somehow be able to make it through. You are probably thinking, then you should study more that way you will pass for sure! It's not that easy for me. I have lots of long hours. The only days I have it light is Monday and Friday (sometimes). Whenever I come back Tuesday I'm dead tired and if I have to look at anything school related I want to throw up. The only thing I have the energy for on a Tuesday is training at 19:30. Wednesdays aren't much better I end at 15:00, which is nice, but I've been there is 7:30 and even with the two hour open window I come back eat take a nap and sometimes I can force myself to do something. 80% of the time I fail though, because Wednesday I have Math, Physics and Math (in that order), so I'm really not in the mood to do any of that. Pretty much all of my subjects consist of math and physics they just have different names. Thursdays are nice, cause I end at a normal time, but I'm often times tired from Tuesday and Wednesdays still, so I take a mental break. I always end up hating myself for not doing anything. How am I suppose to pass if I don't work at home?
    It's something I'm going to have to force myself to start doing or else I'll fail. The thing is failing isn't what scares me, I'm used to failure it doesn't faze me much anymore. What scares me is that I have no clue what to do with my life if I do fail. Do I just find a job and then start to fall into that boring monotone adult life that so many people complain about? I don't want that. That terrifies me to no end. I don't want to become one of those adults that just goes through life without living, but then again I only have till my golden year, so would it make more sense to give up now and then go live? If I got through uni then it would be so close, giving me barely any time, but what else am I suppose to do before then? Drop off the face of the planet and just see where life takes me?
    That would be cruel to those that care about me, even if I did send them letters every once in a while telling them I was alive and well. My sister would fall in a depression and at the same time be the most pissed off person in the world. She already has enough stress on her shoulders, so she honestly doesn't need any more. I'm not sure how my brother would react. I think he would close in on himself even more then he already is now. He's just starting to get over our past events, starting to make friends and act his age. I don't want to be that selfish. There's also my father who might have a breakdown if I were to suddenly leave. His life is finally starting to make sense again too. I also have these slowly budding feelings for Aster and I'm so curious as to where this could go, but I'm also terrified, because they leave me feeling vulnerable as well. So many factors to take in account and when I think about it not much time left.
    I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm so glad I've finished high school, but I'm not sure if I should be continuing my education or doing i don't know something!? There's also this thing with one of my masks. I based it of my fathers character, but added in some quirkiness. I often use it since people seem very comfortable around it, but because I use it so much it makes me wonder if I've lost myself. I think it's strong enough to hide me, but also shallow enough that I'm not completely lying to those around me.
    Sigh, I have so many thoughts going through my head at the moment and I just don't know what to do. I'm letting my father guide me, because I don't know what to do with myself, but at the same time I hate myself for it. I'm just frustrated even if no one can tell but me. That's probably also one of the reason I'm blabbering about everything and nothing. There's more I'd like to write, to get off my chest, but I think I've written more than enough for today.

So, maybe I'll see you around?  

Just a document

    Another new school, another new class. Sigh. It wasn't anything new for me. It was just tiring, troublesome and plain annoying. My first year of high school with my new class didn't go over all that well. Honestly, it was mostly my fault, I was just tired of trying. My last school sapped out all the energy I had and the fact that I was repeating again didn't make improve my mood much. So I said fuck them and this shit and just became this aloof persona to my classmates. I didn't do it on purpose, it just sorta happened. Mostly cause I started wearing only dark colors, I didn't talk unless spoken too and even then I said very little and honestly I was tired. The class I'd been put in was very childish and most of them seemed to think they were still in jr, high. Whenever I went to school I came back with a throbbing headache and questions. Was there any point in me going there? My whole first year was just a fucking waste of time. I needed it though, my last school was just the worst and they changed me, not for the better I might add. Let's just say I learned some life lessons a bit too early and because of that I became a bit jaded, broken, scared. I came out of it though, somehow I don't hate the world and all that is around me. Which is pretty amazing, cause my home life wasn't the best then either and that year it all just sorta blew up. That was the year my mom left, February 25th, thanks for the early birthday present mom.
    Anyway, I started writing this in order to document how I met someone that is slowly becoming special to me and this is what I end up writing? Sorry, to all the poor souls that read this. As I was saying during my first year of high school this person and I never spoke a word to each other, which I find hilarious. For three months I sat practically right behind him and never once did he say a word. Then I sat diagonally to him for the rest of my high school years. Let's just say I'm pretty sure we never spoke to each other during my first year, which is quite surprising considering our class consisted of 32 or so people. We didn't actually start to speak to each other until about half way through 2nd year and by then I had made two school friends that I talked with regularly and walked home with. This person, I'm gonna call him Aster from now on, would sometimes walk with us if he missed his bus or wasn't on his bike, so contact was made! I was just happy to talk with someone else besides my friend Anna and Mati. Sometimes they would get into random arguments over the silliest of things and sigh, well it was nice to have someone to fall back on. Although one time Aster got in on the argument too and it just blew out of proportions. When I noticed that I ditched ehm, sorry friends, but I'm not in the mood for your bullshit arguments. I question why one of our personality traits are arguing. It's just why, people, why? But I digress.
     So, basic contact was made, but we still really only talked whenever he ended up walking home with us. It wasn't until two months before the school year ended that we started talking more. You see we had a free period, because we were part of the small group of people that didn't take religion. And on mondays and tuesday we had a free period. Usually I would go to the library or when the weather was nice, outside. The others tended to sit in the cafeteria, which wasn't my cup of tea. It's strange, but for some reason I remember this memory so clearly. Physics had just ended and as usual it was boring and I was excited to get outside. So I made a quick get away for the stairs and it was there Aster caught me and asked where I was going. "Outside," was my only reply. "Can I come?" I gave him a surprised glance, but answered "Sure." This 'event' started it all. Its like when you have and avalanche and you have the first tumble/scream/rock that starts it off. Well this is what started it, because from than on every Monday and sometimes even Tuesday, he'd hang out with me during our free period. We didn't really have anything to do, so we talked and talked and talked. Honestly I don't remember what we talked about, probably about school, maybe video games occasionally, just random bullshit. This is embarrassing to say, but I always looked forward to those days, and the silly thing is I never really knew why. Me and emotions man, they just don't/can't communicate with each other. So, in basic human language this is where the crush started.
     Third year is where I fell. We again had two free periods on a Monday and Tuesday, although we didn't go for our last Monday class until the end of October, since it wasn't mandatory. So we would walk home together. We didn't click just like that, nope far from it. There were still days where Aster would choose to go hang out with the group in the cafeteria, those days I tended to ignore the sad feeling in my stomach. I was sad most of my second year of high school and dammit I was done being sad for a bit. One day he just started coming more often to the library, until he stopped going to the cafeteria altogether. I questioned why he did that, never aloud of course, but I always wondered, 'why would you go hang out with the weird girl of the class?' It's a question that I'm still curious as to its answer. Eventually we traded numbers, he asked, because I'm a scardy cat and somehow we started talking more then just during our free period or when we were going home. There were days where during break he'd come up to me and start a conversation or we'd sit at the same desk if our desk mates were gone. My last four months of high school were also my favorite out of all my years in high school. Those were the only days I looked forward to school. Those were the days our class became 90% integrated. I say 90%, because the other 10% just blew the rest off or only came to school when they had to. I enjoyed those days, despite the looming deadline of our matura test coming closer and closer. It was fun, school after a good four years of hell reminded me a bit of my jr. high days. Those days tend to bring a happy smile and sad looking eyes. Anyway, amazingly we still talked after high school, which I was happy about cause I though our friendship was going to be a high school only friendship. I have a few of those and it was nice to have an actual friend.
    Then the 'class' trip happened which I'm pretty sure I already giggled and wrote about that. Curse my bouts of creepy girlyness. Yup, just checked I wrote about the trip. So, ya all that happiness happened and on fathers day which is around the end of June Aster asked me to be his girlfriend. Sigh, yes the following day I smiled like a goof all day. My dad even asked if something was wrong. When I told him, he just asked "So you guys weren't one already?" Sigh. Why dad, why? To this day  he makes fun of the pace of our relationship, but I just tell him to shove it.
    Truth be told, I'm glad we aren't going to quickly. This is my first relationship and as I mentioned earlier me and emotions don't do well with each other. So all of this is really new territory for me. Aster knows this is my first time being with anyone and he also knows I'm broken, so he's taking it slow. There was a moment I was a bit frustrated with the pace, but I came to the conclusion that I don't mind it. I just enjoy spending time with him, whether it's only for 15 minutes or half a day I'm glade to get any time at all. I've been happy these past two months thanks to him. Which is a strange revelation to me, because I could only ever say I was content, but I'm actually sorta happy. All these feelings and emotions I'm getting are so strange and weird and scary, but they are also nice. Sometimes it feels like I have a fluffy blanket on me.
     It makes me wonder what he's feeling. I always want to ask, but that's an intrusion of privacy and maybe it's just too soon to ask. I still have so many questions I want to ask him. Wonder if I'll ever get to ask him?

Maybe I'll see you around? 

Just a dream

    It's dark, so dark... Why is it so dark?! I shout in my mind while I struggle and run, but from what, I really don't know. Finally after what seemed like an eternity plus one I see light and I push my body to it's limits. I need to get out, but where am I? Finally I run out of what seemed to be a never ending tunnel and collapse to the ground, trying to catch my breath. I know I'm not safe yet, but I just need a moment to catch my breath and then I'll continue moving forward.
    After a few minutes I stand to continue and I find a giant field before me. I turn to look for whatever is chasing me, but find the tunnel gone and I am in the middle of a grassy meadow. Naturally I find myself relaxing forgetting about the chase, forgetting about the thing chasing me, just for a few moments forgetting about everything. I prance through the field touching the long grass and smelling the flowers.
    Suddenly I find a camera in my hands, so naturally I start taking pictures of the nature around me. Oddly enough I hear nothing but the wind and see only vegetation, that is until I happen upon a snake bathing in the sun. A simple grass snake, who pays me no mind while I snap a quick picture of him and carry on. I'm not afraid per se of snakes, but they do intimidate me a bit. I continue along snapping pictures and enjoying the sun on my face.
    Oddly enough the only animals I find in the field are snakes and before long I find myself surround by hundreds of them. All different shapes and sizes, colors and species. It terrifies me as I watch them all slowly come closer. I try my hardest not to scream when they start to climb on to my body. It feels as if they are chaining me to the ground as they wrap themselves around my limbs. I understand why when I see a huge dark and tall shadow falling over me and I know that the thing that was chasing me earlier is back.
    As soon as this dawns on me I'm quickly struggling my way out of my sheets and find myself face-planting into the hardwood floor. It takes a couple of seconds for me to get my barrings, remind myself that, that was just a dream, I'm home and there are no snakes in the building (maybe). I shakily stand on me feet and make my way towards the bathroom, jumping slightly at any shadow that looks too snake like, god I'm such a coward. Once there I splash some water on my face and drink a bit from the faucet. I relax myself, allowing the coolness of the porcelain sink to remind me that, that was just a dream. Just a dream.
    I make my way back to the bedroom and curl up next the warmth on the bed, burying my face in his back, thankful for his presence, as it helps ground me in this strange world. It takes a matter of second for me to fall back into a dreamless sleep.
    When I awaken I find myself wrapped in his arms and unlike the snakes I feel safe and happy. I lay there for a few moments, enjoying the closeness that we rarely and yet constantly share. This is something I'm going to draw later, I think. Finally I sigh and slip myself out of his arms and out of the warm, comfy bed.
     It's only 9:30 I notice looking at the kitchen clock, so he'll be asleep for a while more. With that I decide to make my delicious, black, dark roast coffee and grab my sketch book while I wait for the water to boil. Once my coffee is done I cuddle the cup to my chest and try to absorb its heat, it's a cool autumn morning. Realizing the cup isn't supplying me with enough heat I grabbed a blanket and start sketching. I take my time drawing out a rough draft and then trying to make humanoid things come from it.
    I easily loose myself in the drawing and I'm only shaken out of my zen like state when he slides in next to me under the blanket and gives me a kiss to the cheek. For some reason this always makes my stomach flutter a bit. I'm handed a fresh cup of coffee, while he has some tea and we continue this relaxing silence. He, just as much as I, needs some time to wake up in the morning. Let's just say we aren't really morning people. So we just sit next to each other, enjoying the warmth between us and the peace.
    He eventually puts his head on my shoulder and watches me sketch. After a while I notice he's fallen back asleep, so I take the now cold tea out of his hands and place it on the table, careful so as not to disturb him. I glance at my drawing and see that it's finished, I look to the clock and see it's 11:23 and finally I look at Aster's sleeping form. A small smile naturally falls onto my face and I place a light kiss to his lips, before turning back to my sketchbook and starting a new drawing.

It's Sunday there's no reason to leave the house today anyway. 

    

Something to say

     I look upon the building that will be my home away from home for the next five years. It's an old red bricked building, but it looks some what cosy from the outside at least. Away from major streets with very little noise pollution and what seems to be a garden in the back.
     'Enough stalling,' I think making my way inside only to be greeted by an abundance of noise. 'These walls must be really thick if I was unable to hear any of this from the outside.' I shake my head making my way towards the stairs, 'It also explains why this is in such a remote location.'
    While on the staircase I do my best to avoid the rowdy college kids making there way through the building. Everyone seemed to be either exploring or meeting up with friends. 'I just want to get to my room,' I sigh again finally arriving on the third floor, somewhat amazed I hadn't managed to trip myself or someone else.
    'Now where is number 37?' I make an immediate left once I get off the stairs and end up making an almost full circle before finding my room. 'Should have made a right, well at least it's a corner room. Giving the illusion of more privacy.' I put in my keys and unlock the door and as a precaution knock before opening them. Since no one said anything I walk right in, only to stop dead in my tracks.
    There was a girl or more like a women standing near the only window in the tiny room. What surprised me though was my resemblance to her. She was obviously older, maybe in her final year, with scruffy short brown hair with blue tips. Her outfit consisted of dark grey pants, a black t-shirt with some silly drawing on it and a deep green bandanna around her neck. I unabashedly stared at her, until finally she broke the silence. "Hello, it's nice to meet you." She gave a small smile, but didn't extend her hand or give her name, so I just nodded my head and gave a small wave. 'Well this is going to be extremely weird.'
     "So, we are roommates for the year?" I ask as I set my stuff on the unclaimed bed.
     "Oh, no we aren't," the girl smiled sadly, "I'm just here to give you some advice to help you get through these next few years."
"Ugh, thanks I guess." Slightly irritated, 'I'm getting sick of people offering me friendly advice.'
    The women seems to sense my irritation as she gives me another smile, "Don't worry this won't take up any of your time and I won't be giving you some long winded speech about how great this school is. Besides your roommate can barge in at any moment and I'd hate to be interrupted." With this she gave a small wink and I just rolled my eyes, this only made the girl giggle as if my reaction was intended.
    Suddenly, the atmosphere turned serious and the girl looked straight into my eyes as she spoke. "These next few years are going to be tough. There will be moments where you want to give up and just go home. I understand that. You'll have days where you'll break down and do things that will make you hate yourself in the morning. I understand that too, I've gone through it all. Just remember to forgive yourself. Don't stay angry, sad or quiet the whole time. It will be ok. After these five years you will have just a few more amazing ones. The most important thing to remember is to explore, try new things and don't stay cooped up in here all the time. These next five years will be the most freedom filled, even if it won't feel like that sometimes, trust me they are. So use the freedom you have. Or else when the time comes you will regret it sorely."
     With that she gave a bitter smile and seemed to want to say something else, but was interrupted when another female barged into the room. I looked at the new girl and looked back to where the women was standing, only to find her gone. This puzzled me, but I didn't have a moment to linger on it for too long since my roommate immediately started talking to me.
    "Oh, hey! You must be my roommate! I'm Alex a second year. I hope we get along well." We shook hands after I introduced myself and then I started to unpack my things. Alex just ran back out into the hallway. 'Well she's full of energy, at least it won't be boring around here.'
    Literally a minute had passed before Alex barged in again grabbed my hand and started pulling me out of the room, "Come on we are going to get a beer with some of my friends." I shrug my shoulders and follow along, 'why not, it's not like we have classes tomorrow.' Unconsciously taking the strange woman's advice.

Miss the most

    Do you know what I miss the most? 

    You know when adults tell there kids to enjoy themselves, because these years are going to be the best and after that it's all downhill from there? Well, I've gotten to that downhill mark and I finally see what they mean. Let me explain myself better, because I always sort of understood what they meant I just didn't get it completely. It's like this, I understood that I should enjoy my childhood. Being carefree, no responsibilities, no worries if I ran in to the law or caused a bit of trouble, because most of the time I'd just get a slap on the wrist and my life would continue. I understood that. I also know that I can be a carefree and happy adult, I just need to see the responsibilities. I have to know what to spend my money on, how much to spend, make sure to buy food and somehow get by without loosing more marbles then I already have. This is something I'm slowly getting the hang of and making it work. Sometimes it works, other times I'm questioning if I have lost all my marbles.
    This though isn't the reason for my blog post. Even though 90% of them make no sense or are just rambles this well, this one is just more rambles. It's something that I thought about last night while trying and failing to go to sleep. I was having a small bout of sadness/ depression whatever you want to call it and I felt lonely. This isn't anything new for me. I live away from two of my dearest people and my father isn't the most affectionate man, even though I know he loves me. But anyway, I came back from visiting my dearest people not too long ago and now the void that was filled for six weeks has become empty again. You don't notice it at first, because you're just glade to be back in a familiar setting. You're back home inside you room, your safe heaven. Even if that cave is a little dusty. So the first week your back, you're busy meeting up with friends again, cleaning that dusty cave of yours and just relaxing. Taking in the fact that you're back. It's such a nice feeling.
    It's when this feeling finally lifts that you start to notice that the temporarily filled void is once again empty. It'll come at a random moment, for me it's in the late evening when I'm trying and failing to fall asleep. The time my subconscious remembers when I was a child and my parents would always come and give me a goodnight kiss or hug. You feel cold all over and nothing will warm you up. And the only thing you think of is a hug, because that's what will take the cold away, even for a little bit. A hug from someone you care about, maybe a bit longer than a normal hug, but all that matters is you get a few seconds of feeling warm. Your heart becomes a tiny bit lighter and the void becomes just a bit easier to ignore. Trust me you can cuddle your favorite teddy bear for as long as you want, but nothing will change, it needs to be a human that cares about you at least a bit. Why not hug my father you ask? Well he's not here, he won't be for a bit longer, but when he does come I will hug him for so long, that I might as well break a world record. I haven't seen my dad in over two months, so it should be a nice reunion.
    It will be nice for a week, because the void will be filled just a bit and I can function on just a bit. The hard part comes once he leaves again, because he will, for work and I'll be alone again for six weeks. I do live with my grandmother as well, but the house is so big we can go without seeing each other for a week. My grams even less affectionate than my father though, so no hugs from here unless it's a holiday or something.
    Again the loneliness will come, no matter how hard I try to ignore that gut wrenching void, no matter how much I try to pretend it never existed to begin with. It's all fruitless labor, because the feeling will come again one late evening and I will have a terrible night. Did you know that I'm a coward? I know this sounds random, but trust me it's not. I have been having trouble with this void for a while, it's nothing new, but it still hurts. How does this make me a coward? I've only ever had the guts to tell one person about this emptiness and even though she's tried to get me to get professional help, I can't. I don't trust psychologists. Before this I meet with them a few time for school reasons and I didn't have a good experience with them. I can't bring myself to trust them, so instead of talking about these feelings, I write about them. Only once the lid starts to leak though. I can't talk to my friend about them, because she has her own things to deal with and a boyfriend who's so insecure I just want to smack the bastard. My friend is more brave though, because she got help, she talks to someone and is getting by. I can't help but think she's so brave and I'm so glad she didn't go down the same path I did. My path was of pain that will leave a lasting impression forever deep in my mind. I'm already forever stuck with a glove on my left hand that when people ask me about I say it's a fashion statement. If they're a really close person to me, sometimes I say something different. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've said this phrase, "It's a reminder from when I did something stupid." Never have I ever said it to my parents though and the people that have heard it never asked me to explain myself. I wonder if it was the dead look in my eyes that gave it away? Or maybe they really didn't want to hear it. The worst part is it's not just a reminder...
    It happens when I feel the void the strongest. It will cross my mind and most of the time I will ignore the feeling, distract myself with something, but sometimes I go through with it. I feel better for a moment, but most of the time a few minutes later I hate myself more. It's just a terrible spiral that will one day end in something terrible. For now I'm somehow still holding on.
    This brings me to what I miss the most from my childhood. Back then my family was still whole, we lived so close to one of my favorite people and my other favorite person was a total pain in the ass. Whenever I was bored I could just hop the fence, walk through a parking lot and field, and just knock on my friends door. Then the best thing would happen, we'd just hang out. I know it sounds so simple and silly, but that's the beauty of it! I didn't need to call her in advance set a date and then try to make up what we would do, so that we wouldn't be bored. Nope, I'd just randomly come over and she'd either let me in or say not today. That was it and I miss this so much. I can't do that now. Now the few friends that I  have, have jobs or other friends that they prefer and it'd be weird if I just randomly came over to their house for no reason other then to combat the loneliness. Because deep down that's what it was combating boredom and loneliness.
    Once school starts, I'll probably get sucked in with homework and humans and extra activities. The void will be easier to ignore once I'm distracted. Hopefully I'll get used to the hole once again. I'll adapt to being an only sibling, with half my family on the other side of the ocean. My voice will get back to a state of practically no usage and human contact will become a strange thing for me once again. I will get used to this lonely existence, even though deep down I hate it and would like nothing more than to fill this fucking void.

Maybe I'll see you around,

but probably not.   

      

Szczerbatek

   Whenever I think of dying I can't help, but think of jumping off a building. I'm not quite sure why that is. Maybe its the appeal of those few seconds of weightlessness with only the incoming ground any clue that you're close to death. Although there's always the chance one might survive. I'd remedy that by jumping off the seventh floor or higher though. I'd probably close my eyes when I jump though or maybe look towards the sky. It'd be my last glimpse of one of my favorite things about living.
   There's also that final message that I should probably leave so no one thinks I was murdered. Larkspur would know I wasn't though. She's the only one that knows I fight with depression. The only question I have is; who would I leave my message for? Would it be a text or maybe a letter? Who'd I address it to? What the hell would I even write? Well I'd probably write a physical note, but to whom? The obvious answer would be to family, but I might only write to my brother. He's to young though, so maybe I'd send him a package of a few things with a small note encouraging him and apologizing. I'd probably do the same for Larkspur, she deserves such closure if I did something like that.
    That'd probably just leave me with the actual suicide note that I'd have to leave at the scene. Most likely I would put it under a rock with my wallet on top, that way the police could identify my body and my parents could have closure. Instead of being another Jane Doe in the system. The note would most likely be simple;

 To whomever reads this,

I killed myself, because I couldn't live anymore.

Sorry for leaving such a mess.

zmk

   Short and simple.
   I haven't written such a dark post in a while, but that's because I haven't been doing well. Most days I'm pleasantly content with myself and my life. I'm comfortable with the routine I have and just the way my life is going in general, but today I'm having one of those bad days.
   Do you ever have those days where you just want to curl up in a ball in a dark corner of your room, listen to music all day and just hope no one bothers you? You know those days where you have no appetite, don't feel like talking and just want to laze about all day. Those days where you try to stay away from sharp objects, cliffs, the edge of buildings, bridges, pills and ropes.
    I'm having one of those days, although sometimes I feel as if I'm on the brink of tears as well. Today's just a bad day. I know it's bad when I've been listening to the same three songs over and over again. "I'll be good"- Jaymes Young, "One last time" and "Find a way" by Safetysuit. I find that these songs numb my emotions the most and make my day go by easier.
   I guess the emotions that I've been holding back have finally pilled up and just emerged. I'm not surprised really, just amazed I lasted as long as I did. It gets tiring being the mediator or at least trying to be for my family. For my mother and my brother and for my father and my mother.
    It's tiring and frustrating when one party wants some kind of compromise and conclusion while the other wants to make their lives miserable, in the case of my mother and father. Not gonna say who is who though. While it seems even more unbearable when the parties need to speak to each other so some sort of compromise can be made, but none are willing to be the bigger person and try. Or when one finally gives in and tries, usually from my pestering the other ends up belittling the first and everything runs full circle.
   This is the case for my mother and brother, although for them it's crucial to make communication because they live with each other and I don't want them constantly fighting. I'm getting tired of all these emotions running haywire. I just want to sleep and actually feel refreshed in the morning for once. I'd also love a full body workout that leaves me gasping for air, trembling limbs and wonderful muscle pains the next morning. That would definitely get rid of some of my stress, cause that's what all this is stress.
    For me stress tends to equal depression most of the time. It makes me fight with these urges and makes me wish for so many things; to disappear, to die, to never have been born, to be living a different life, to be a child, to be innocent, to be unaware of whats going on around me. Sometimes I wish for those things, today though I just want to take my last breath, although there's a small chance of that.
    I have to try to last till my golden year than I can go. My brother will hopefully be through most of college and be working, Larkspur will have finished college by than and be living with her boyfriend, working and maybe even starting a family soon. If I die before I get to see her children would it be awfully selfish of me to ask to share one of their names? That way if reincarnation is true than maybe I could be born as one of her children, although that is really very creepy and probably something she doesn't want. So just ignore this sudden strange whim of mine.
   I feel just a bit better now. Writing is always a wonderful thing that helps me unload all of the little thoughts running through my head. The one thing I question though is why I post this to the internet, a magical place where anyone can find this. Maybe it's because deep down I hope one day someone from my family will find this and realize that despite what I showed them I was suffering through this time of mine. That my life hasn't been a cake walk and that if I die before them, maybe this will give them some closure. It's that little needle in a giant haystack that you put all your hope in, but don't really mind if no one finds since you've already made your decision. It's a sad yet wonderful thing. I guess this measly blog will be my suicide letters.

Maybe I'll see you around, but probably not.    

     

When did I learn to lie?

When did I learn to lie?

  

   "Mat, did you do all your homework today?"

   "Ya, mom I did all of it!" I would say while starring at the ground and trying not to smile.

My mother would put on a knowing smile, "Look at me when you speak Mat."  I would huff look her in the eyes and break out in a smile, which I would than apologize for lying and run off to do my homework. 

   That's how it was for me for the longest time, until I was 17 that's when I started to learn. My father taught me the basics; don't be afraid to look them in the eyes, make sure your lie is believable, tell a half truth if you can. The most important rule he taught me, keep them simple in order to keep track of them. Since than I've added, cover up your answers with sarcastic humor whenever possible in order to allow them to interpret your answer. 

    That last one works best with family members.

   "Mat, how did your exams go?"

   "Good, I passed everything! Now I just have to see if I get into a university!" Spoken with false excitement while trying to ignore the pain in my chest and the heaviness of my eyes.

   "Well I'm glad for you! Congratulations!"

   I've had a lot of practice lying to family members, mostly my mother, and now I don't even panic when I have to make something up. 

   "Hello honey! How have you been?"

   "I'm good mom! Reading a great book at the moment than going for training. How about you?"

   "I'm alright. Do you meet up with your friends sometimes? Hows Marta doing?"

   I cringe at the name, but my voice is kept obnoxiously cheery, "I see some of my friends at least once a week!" I reply thinking in my head, more like once a month. "And Marta's doing great! We don't get to see each other often though, because she has a lot of horse competitions this month. The seasons just started so I won't get to hear from her often." Yes, the season just started, but I haven't had any contact with her for over 6 months. She got tired of my and stopped talking to me. 

   "That's good to hear dear."

   I use to only ever have trouble lying to my father, I realized that has changed. All day yesterday I had dead eyes and not once did my father notice. I easily kept up with our normal banter and added in sarcastic scathing comments whenever possible. He had no clue how much he hurt me on the inside not noticing or caring. I wanted nothing more than a tight hug and a few calming words whispered into my ears. "It's going to be ok, we'll get through this." Instead I hear some of the most hurtful words in existence, "I figured this is how it would be," deep sigh, " You should have studied more." 

   This broke me, but on the outside I kept a cool blank mask with only a hint of sadness in my eyes. What did he mean by he knew!! He knew what!? That I would just pass with average joe scores and yet he still heaps these expectations on me!? He gave me hope and than he just stuck me down with that single comment. It hurt as if I was hit by lightning. I felt rage for a moment, but it quickly passed. There was no point in hating my father. I let him down and that was that. Hopefully he'll keep his expectations to himself now. I don't want to hear you complementing me or boasting about me anymore. There is no more to boast about nothing left to tell, to say. 

   I feel dead inside now and a few tears have spilled as I wrote this and continue writing. It's been a while since I felt this dead, but it doesn't change anything. I'm going to have to live with this now. You know it hurts being an average joe. Someone useless to society that even your father doesn't want you. At least he has my brother, but I hate to put the burden of expectations on him. I'm such a terrible older sibling. 

   I sometimes wish I didn't have to wait eight years. 

   I ended up getting that hug that I needed from a close friend of mine- Peter. We always hug when we meet, most of the time it's him doing the hugging while I stand there somewhat awkwardly. That day though I hugged him back and held on for a bit longer and tucked my head into his shoulder.Pete just held me tighter sensing that something was wrong, but allowed me to decide if I wanted to tell him. I might have ended up crying if we weren't in a public place, but I stayed quite and was great-full for the hug. 

   I know my relationship with my father will be different now, he will never know it, but I will. He will still be my father and I will still love him, but he will no longer be the center of my world. That has been broken and I now have to pick up the pieces and see what I can salvage. I think I'll plant a dandelion in the middle. After all it's a weed that can get through thick and thin. Give it enough time and it can grow to enormous proportions with thick roots and thorns. Who wants to be a rose when I can be an even more threatening weed? After all no one expects much from them. 

       

Begining of my last summer

    For once this isn't gonna a be a screwed up story where the narrator is constantly changing their gender or just the little story I've been writing on here. Although I do want to get back to that. Anyway as the title states this is my last official summer vacation. I graduated from high school at the end of April. Wrote all my matura exams in May and by the 21st I was pretty much home free. The only thing left on my conscious are my exam results and if I'll be accepted into university. I really hope I'm accepted, sigh, that is a topic for another time though. Although knowing me I won't touch it with a ten foot pole. Luckily I don't know anyone that tall.
    Cheesy jokes aside  wanted to write about two events/trips that happened to me these past two weeks. It's just gonna be me talking about them and my feelings blah, blah, blah. I just don't want to forget them too quickly so I'm writing them down in order to prolong them, hopefully.
   Ok, on to the topic! On Friday the 29th of May I went on a trip with my class, sort. It wasn't everyone in my class just 20 of them and two boys brought their girlfriends, plus it was after graduation, but one of the girls organized it since we never had a class trip during our three years of high school. Those who were interested went on a four day trip, in the countryside, next to a crystal clear lake. We rented three cottages from this center that had about a dozen or so of them, that were right next to a lake near a town called Łączyno. The town was over an hour away from where I lived and instead of going through the trouble of going by bus I was like "Hey, I got my license not too long ago why not make use of the sucker?" This caused my father to have a mini heart attack and he gave me driving lessons almost everyday until the trip. I thought it'd be a nice and calm drive down to the meeting spot, but my friend asked me how I was getting there and I had to tell him by car and that yes I had room to take him as well. Once I told him I knew I'd end up taking the rest of his/ our(?) friends as well. Here's the thing I don't mind driving Aster. I've dove him home a couple of times and he doesn't make fun of my driving skills. Now when it comes to Bell, General and Bas uuuhhhhgggg, no fucking clue. I guess I was more nervous of driving with a car full of people than anything else, while at the same time knowing one wrong move could kill all of them. That would send me straight to the seventh circle of hell. This helped to improve my driving skills, because I drove practically everyday.
   Well that fateful friday came and we all agreed to meet at my house at 2:30, aside from Bas who would be using my taxi service on the way back. Unsurprisingly, Aster came early and we sat and talked on my front steps since it'd been a while since we last saw each other. We talked till the appointed time and again unsurprisingly Bell texted us he'd be late, of course. I think it'd be against his nature if he was on time for once. By than my dad had gotten home and we loaded the car, set the gps and plugged in Asters mp3 player. Waiting, waiting and more waiting only to see Bell and General in the distance. Why did the walk instead of taking the tram? Asters explanation, because Bell's too much of a Jew to spend a few złoty. Sigh.
   The ride there was pretty calm and we listened to the beastie boys and the red hot chili peppers. Once we arrived though I found out we were only the second ones there and the rest would probably get there within the hour. I was in a different house than the others filled with three other girls (Ola, Dariah and Anii) and two boys (Kass and Kuba), all of which I got along with well enough. Although I have to admit as soon as I picked my bed, the only single in the house, and dropped my bag on it I was off. As in I disappeared for the next hour to explore the rest of the area.
   The land near the cottages was very hill with a lake not 50 feet away and a long dock. There were two fire pit sites, a basketball court with one hoop, a volleyball sand pit and a nice playground. There were a lot of stairs and things to jump over as well, so I got to use what little parkour skills I knew. While exploring I found out all the other houses were empty, meaning my classmates could be as loud as they wanted and not worry about grumbling neighbors. When I told them that I think I gave them an excuse to be even louder. Why me? By the time I got back to the others another car had arrived and I sat down with a few people (Michał, Patrycja, Maciek, Dawid and Krzysiek) and got free meat from there grill. This was the beginning of my survival on grilled sausages for the next two weeks. I ended up hanging out with them until the final car came, but I got bored so I disappeared again and didn't really show up until Aster dragged me to where everyone was gathering.
    They were all sitting on the biggest porch of our houses and grilling, listening to crappy music and drinking. I didn't take part in the drinking, cause I just didn't feel like it, but I socialized, which was surprising in and of itself. It was weird and funny. Bell and the General got drunk and passed out somewhere around nine. The morons drank a whole liter of vodka in 15 minutes. Sigh. It was kinda funny though. At one point Bell just stood up and ran to the bathroom. Where the toilet was his teddy bear till late into the evening, when some of his friends tucked him into bed. It wasn't so easy with the General. He started blabbering and at first it was funny, but than he thought he was at war and he started tumbling and pretending he was in a trench. Whenever he saw a girl he told them to run and save themselves, which earned him some points from them and in general thats where he got his nickname. Creative, I know, but it's funny.
   Once he passed out and was tucked into bed things calmed down, a bit. This is where I found out that one of the guys brought marijuana, that guy also lived in the same house as I did. Luckily he slept in a different room than and had the windows open when he smoked inside. Some of the guys thought it'd be fun to try, so they smoked a joint. One of them threw up and than went on about spoons for two hours before he just spaced out for the rest of the night. During this time everyone just drank more beer and there was a dance contest and mingling in general. I nodded off around 11:00 or so and headed back to my bed. No one made any rude comments about it though and when people came in to use our bathroom they were quite or at least tried to be. Although I was woken up at four in the morning because my housemates decided to play makało (a card game) I nodded off after a while though.
   The best part about going to sleep early is being the first one up. I quietly made myself a coffee, grabbed a muffin and my book and went to read for an hour on the dock. When it got cold though I went back inside and found everyone just waking up, so I continued reading. Once everyone was more or less awake I became a designated driver because I hadn't drunk anything the day before. So the girls made a list of things they would need and me and three guys (Kass, Kuba and Igor) drove to the store. They wanted to go to a specific supermarket that was a few towns over so I drove while Igor gave direction. That was a mistake. He had a map on his phone, but we still got lost three times! Honestly, it's really hilarious and something he was teased about once we got back. An interesting trip where we talked about american donut shops and how it's not surprising they have a problem with obesity there.
   Now I don't quite remember what I did, but I know I got back to see the end of a poker game which Aster took part in. I found out Bell was up and breathing, along with General. Once the poker game was over Aster, General and I went for a walk around the area. We went to see some horses that were farther down the road and walked through the forest. In the mean time General supplied us with plenty of babble about plants and animals found around us, while Aster and I made sarcastic comments and lazily tried to ditch him in the forest. I didn't work, but once we got back to the area where all the other cottages were we sat on a comfy porch in a different house, a bit farther away from our cottages. Mindless conversation ensured with Bell texting Aster where we were. He came brought food I left and brought more food and we had a mini feast. We sat there for a while, but it was pretty peaceful actually. Until Bas came along and informed us that there was a grill and if anyone wanted food they should come down to one of the houses. The General did, but Aster, Bell and I went back to my empty (yay) cottage and drank tea, where we finally came to the decision to hang out with the rest of the people there. I think we all ended up going to the grill where they were playing dark histories, mythical and regular version. I finally ended up drinking, but only a glass, my mother ended up calling at some point and she kind of ruined my good mood. When it comes to drinking my father has two rules- never drink alone and never drink when your sad or in a bad mood. These rules are golden to me and I'm gonna follow them. Off topic though.
   At one point I'm pretty sure Aster got bored and he noticed my bored so he said, "Walk?" To which I laughed and made my way away from everyone. I'm certain it was getting dark at this point, so at first we walked around the area where the houses were, bothered some cows, before deciding to leave the fenced in area again. At some point I'd gotten cold and hooked my arm around Asters for body heat to which he took it and put it around my shoulders. I think I almost squealed/fainted/ other when he did that. Also I know this sounds super cheesy, but ........ we fit really well together. His arm easily drapes on my shoulders and I can comfortably put my arm around his waist. Squealing aside We had a peaceful long walk and came back to find everyone cramped inside a dark house playing music. It was around 11 when we got back, so I just said goodnight and returned to my bed.
   The final full day was interesting to say the least. It started just like the day before, except instead of reading on the dock I read for two or more hours on the porch that the boys and I had our 'feast' on. I think I returned and made conversation with the people that were up when Aster came up and was like "walk?" To which I agreed and we left the compound/ area where our houses were at and made our way towards one of the villages we hadn't yet been to. This was the beginning of a long walk. We just kept walking on the dirt path and at some point Aster put his arm on my shoulders again. It was really comfortable, peaceful and I enjoyed it a lot. At one point we got to a city and asked for directions on how to get back to Łączyno. The lady said go left on the first crossing, what she should have said was the second crossing. We ended up getting to a place called Kamienne Łączyno, which is close in name but not the same. At this point we were both a bit tired and hungry and luckily Aster noticed a small hut in the distance that was one that we'd passed on our walk yesterday. We went through a few farming fields and one giant mining sand pit, but we finally returned! I think we were gone for almost four hours, so we gladly returned to find everyone laying on blankets outside, playing dark histories again.
     I plopped down on a blanket with tea, a sausage and some cookies. The cookies disappeared fairly quickly and after eating I just sketched for a bit while taking part in and listening to conversation. At one point  got bored again and disappeared for an hour to practice Kata. When I'd returned I asked Aster if he was up for another walk. We had a really strange conversation than where I brought up the subject of 'what if Bas and Bell where in a romantic relationship together?' That brought up a few wonderful laughs.
   We also decided to make a real bonfire since it was the last night. I'd asked everyone earlier if we would have one and it seemed everyone was eager, just no one wanted to do the work. So Aster and I stole some wood from one of the fancier cottages and set up the pit. I ran over to get some fire and once everyone found out what we had done they brought there blankets inside and slowly gathered by the fire. Not everyone went though, because a group of boys had been doing vodka shots for a while and were perfectly fine with doing there own thing, although they did come eventually.  I'd brought real american marshmellows and taught everyone how to make smores which was a blast. We also ate sausages since there was still a bit left over and just sat and talked around the fire till around midnight. This was my first real bonfire in the longest time. The last time I had one was most likely before the move. It was nice.
   Since it was the last night I decided to stay up a bit later. Aster helped me with this although at one point I'm pretty sure I dozed off on his shoulder. The class decided to play Hunters at one point. It's a game where there are two groups the hunters and the hunted. The hunted make clues that slowly lead the hunters to where they are. Our group was the hunters first and I came in handy with my knowledge of the area. I was also the only one who knew there were cows near the cottages and t was nice being helpful. Although it was funny how everyone was like 'so when you disappear you're just exploring the area?' Yup, we found the other group fairly quickly and my group was planning a sweet revenge on the others, but I was pooped and headed off to bed. I lasted till 1;30 though which was past my goal- midnight. I was woken at four in the morning though again. This time I kindly asked them to quite down which they then decided to go to sleep.
   The next morning passed quickly. I helped with clean up and just organizing the general chaos, until 12 or so where my group of misfits headed off. We were the first to leave since everyone else wanted to hang out at some lake not to far off, nobody in my car was interested though, so off we went. We drove back listening to rage against the machine and motorhead and dropped everyone off. When I got home I was pooped and ended up taking a nap and just sleeping on the couch for the rest of the day.
   All in all I had a lot of fun on this trip and honestly, I expected it to be a lot worse. I just took my fathers advice go with the flow and don't force anything and maybe it won't be that bad. It wasn't and I think it's something I'll look back fondly on. I wanted to also write about another trip that happened not two days after this one, but maybe that will be my next post since this one is already so long.

Maybe, I'll see you around?

                       

Drugi

   Once everyone had drunk their coffee, they quickly dispersed. Aleks went off to the sewers and who knows where the purple-head went. What does he do for work anyway? Egh, who cares. Long as he doesn't get in trouble. Shrugging his shoulders Mat got dressed in loose dark gray jeans, a navy blue long sleeve shirt and a thick light grey scarf, that wrapped around his neck twice and still hung to his waist. A plain worn leather messenger bag on his shoulder and he was out.

   Instead of leaving through the window like most residence of the town he left through the front door. I'm still too sleepy to be running across rooftops, probably slip and fall with the way I am now. It was early enough in the morning that most of the residence of Czapla were just waking, making it a peaceful morning. A few cafes and other business were open though including the one I'm headed to. It's a small cafe that difficult to distinguish from the others surrounding it, aside from the daily specials bored and name 'Not Athens.' 

    The cafe is your typical run of the mill coffee shop run by a friendly young couple Jack and Peter. You wouldn't know it by just looking, but the shops been there for a good 80 years or so, before the prohibition started and all that other bullshit. Jack's grandparents started the shop, his parents took over and finally Jack and his lover started running it a couple years back. The founder old lady Yama is still around, but she helps out in the back. 

   Entering I'm greeted by Jack, "Morning Mat, how are you doing?"

"Lot better than you. You my friend look like shit."

Jack just sighs at my language while preparing my usual, "Well when you get as much sleep as I did yesterday, what do you expect?" 

"Guess your right," I sigh. Looking around I notice the shop is empty allowing us some freedom of speech. "So did they get anything from the back?" I ask worried about my friends and Sam.

"Doesn't seem like it," he answers, "but Sam, Peter and the old lady are looking over everything to be sure."

"Was anything stolen?"

"Nah," shrugged Jack, "seems like some punks wanted to test our security and locks. They didn't get in though just set off the alarm. Though everyone's checking just in case. "

"Better safe than sorry." 

"True that my friend," smiled Jack. This brought some sparkle to his grey eyes, although his shoulders still drooped a bit and his fire red hair was in a messy high ponytail. The tall man still looked tired but less stressed at least. 

"Mind if I check on the char?" I asked using the code word to get in back.

"Go right on ahead," smiled Jack as he let me through and turned to greet some more customers, regulars by the sound of it. 

   Making my way through the back I made a few turns before happening upon a 'dead end,' which in actuality was a hidden door, the handle to get in was just in the floor. Entering today's code into the key pad the door slid open and I walked through a holographic wall made a few more turns, walked through another wall and finally found my way to the hidden library. Library's have long since been a thing of the past, with only a few speak easy in every city. This was one of the bigger, older and more well stocked ones. All thanks to old lady Yama, speaking of her, where is she? Looking around the front entrance I found it empty, so I started to make my way farther into the maze of illegal books and written works. Not all books are illegal, but anything made over 100 years ago is, while books written today have to follow a set of guidelines. The guidelines are total bull though and don't allow authors much freedom, so a grey market was formed. It works closely with the black market, but is still a separate market of it's own.     

   After a few minutes of walking I happened upon a grumbling Sam kneeling on the floor. "Morning alarm clock!" I say cheerfully, causing her to grumble and glare at me in annoyance. "Hey, that's no way of treating someone who brings you coffee." I whine, "maybe I'll just give it to Peter."

  I didn't get to finish my sentence, before Sam swiped my coffee and greedily drank it down. "It's nice to see you too log pillow," she finally spoke after a few moments of silence. The red head took a few more gulps of coffee before handing me back an empty cup. "Arigato," she spoke in her native tongue, "I'm not sure how much longer I would have lasted without the gods mixture."

  Chuckling at her joke I reply, "spoko, figured you could use some after leaving in such a hurry. So what's the sitch?"

"So far everything seems to be in place. Peter and I have gone through everything on the ground and upper floors, but Yama-san is still checking through the restricted section." I nod and listen while we make our way towards the back of the shop. Sam sets up the coffee maker and starts to rummage through the fridge looking for food. "Where are the other's?"

"They both had work to get to, so only I came."

"Mhmm," Sam just gave me a questioning glance while making herself a sandwich.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing at all." she smiles.

"I'm on top of my work, don't worry." I roll my eyes, "Please I'm even ahead at the moment, but I will have to come here later to work with some original texts. Having trouble translating something."

"You ahead and having trouble, wow." replies Sam as she takes a bite of her sandwich.

"Cut the sarcasm Sasha, you know my native language is screwed up. Honestly, I'm not surprised so few people speak the damn thing, but kurwa sometimes it's difficult to translate."

"I know," she sighs, "I've seen some of the texts before and they go completely over my head, but they're important."

"Yup," I sigh, "if they weren't I'd be without a job."

   "You'd probably end up working here," says Peter as he walks in, "hello by the way. My sides all clear." He say's directing the last part towards Sam, she nods and say's the same. Peter looks just as tired as Jack, so I quickly pour him and Sam a fresh cup of joe. I get a thank you from the both of them and Sam stands to make more sandwiches. Peter sits at the table his orange colored hair looking as if he just got out of bed and his green eyes looking drained. Poor guys probably been up longer than Jack helping the old lady. 

   Think of the devil and he will come or in this case she. Old lady Yama looks ancient, but she's in good health and full of energy. Her long silver hair was up in a messy bun, while her eyes usually filled with green mischief now looked worried. "We are missing a book." Silence filled the room and no one dared speak, so she continued on, "the book 'When the sky was blue..' is gone." This only caused confusion for me. It's bad that a book is missing, but I didn't recognize the title and I knew all of the rare and valuable books that were found here.

    Looking to Sam I could see that she too was confused, but Peter had a worried look on his face. "Shit," he said as he gripped his coffee tightly. "This is bad, that was a book that explained quite a bit of our past history. It told of times before the prohibition, before everything changed. That book was one of the few texts that allowed us to understand our past and allow us to form our own opinions of it. There are very few of them left, less than twenty I think. This is bad, we have to get it back Yama-san."

"I'm aware of that," she spoke, looking towards Sam and me she commanded, "call the westerner. Tell him we will pay anything to get that book back." Sam was on the phone before Old lady Yama finished the sentence.      

Pierwszy

     I played with the cigarette in my hand while staring out the small window. It was ajar, allowing the smoke to leave the room. Aleks hated it when the room smelled like smoke and I didn't feel like hearing his shouting first thing in the morning. Then there was Mat who always smoked with the window closed. This caused quite a few quarrels between the two. Luckily Sam convinced Mat to just go outside when smoking. How she did that I'll never know, but the flats a bit more peaceful thanks to her.
     Staring back out at the window and taking a deep drag from my cancer stick I took in the view. As was customary for this hour the sky was a deep dark purple, although you could see brighter spots around the edge of the horizon. The sun would be up in an hour or so turning the sky lavender instead. Hopefully there'll be some clouds. Their navy blue color will keep the sky from being a total eye soar. If I'm lucky it'll rain, but it's not the season for it so I doubt it. The bare black barked trees lined the paved streets, standing out thanks to the fallen snow. The street was empty, all the shops were closed, no living soul seemed to be out. Only the occasional vehicle disturbed the silence, that and the strange noise that the deaders would occasionally give off.
     After a while I could hear the other tenants start to rise from their covers, so I finished my last stick and started the coffee machine. We were all assholes without coffee, myself more so than the rest. That was one of the reasons I woke the earliest, well that and I just enjoyed the quite in the morning.
     "Morgen," yawned out Aleks as he walked into our main room, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He was still in his ocean blue pj's and his navy blue hair was a total mess. I handed him a freshly brewed cup of Joe and he nodded in thanks, before taking a seat at the dining table and zoning out the window. Aleks the youngest out of all of us, but he's the most athletic and is just as good with people as Sam.
      I hear a thump from upstairs while cooking breakfast, but pay no mind to it. Mat either rolled out of bed or Sam kicked him out of it. Either way someone was coming down the small spiral staircase. "Dobry," says Mat as he shuffles to the table and plops down next to Aleks who's finally starting to wake up. "We having eggs for breakfast?"
"Yup," I reply slicing up some zucchini. "Can you make some toast Aleks?"
"Sure, want some coffee Mat?"
"Please," the lazy green headed boy says.
With breakfast done we dig in. "Is Sam showering?" I ask.
"She had to get to the library before it opened," replied Aleks.
"Something happened?" questioned Mat chewing on some egg.
"I think she said something about a break in, but I'm not sure."
"Why not go see?" asked Mat, polishing off his plate.
"Can't," I replied, "I've got a job to get to in an hour."
"I also have duties," spoke up Aleks, gathering the plates and refilling our mugs with coffee.
"Guess I'll see what's going on by myself than," shrugged the greeny.
     With that we drank in a comfortable silence before getting ready and setting out for the day.