I can't do it anymore

    My favorite type of fanfiction were the ones where the main character went back in time and redid his story with his knowledge of past mistakes. It became my obsession for a long while and I found a lot of gems in that area.
    Still after a while I started to imagine what I would do if I ever got to re-do my life. At one point I let go of fanfiction and thus my obsession of re-doing things as well faded, but recently I've started to think about it all over again.
    What would I do? How would I act? What would I change? I always picture myself going back in time and pretending to be really dumb in school, but still passing while also playing with my brother more and doing more extra curricular activities.
    Advancing myself while I was still young, but I always get to a summer where my brother and I go to visit our grandparents in Poland and my daydream starts to sadden, because as stupid as this sounds I start to think of Aster.
    I think of our years together and how I was a total greenhorn at feelings and relationships, how we took it so slow that we didn't have our first kiss until our sixth month of dating. How he was so sweet and understanding and never pushed but patiently waited.
    Somehow over our time together we also grew into each other. I always stop my re-do stories when I get to Poland, because that's where I start to reflect, where I think about Aster.
    I know that if I ever had a re-do I would avoid him like the plague. Make myself as unlikable and uninteresting as possible, because then he'd never approach me, never ask that one question that started it all. 'Hey, where do you go during free period?'
    Once or twice I imagined waking up at a younger age and finding out that he's from the future as well, but I feel like that's cheating. Having your SO remember too, just because you don't want to loose the precious memories between the two of you.
    I try not to read into this too much. Would you give up some of your most precious experiences just to be able to start you life all over again? Food for thought.