Pleading with yourself

    You're sitting at your desk, studying. Trying to focus on the notes before you. They're covered in pencil marks, squiggles, different math formulas. You try to focus on the definition that you need to remember for next weeks exam, but you can't.
    You constantly feel yourself starting to tear up, whether from frustration, exhaustion or stress you don't really know. You try to ignore it, after all there's someone else in your room, focusing on their own task, but you can't wish away the tears that keep trying to spill.
     So you give up, grab a bunch of tissues and silently leave the room. You climb the stairs to the most isolated part of the house and there you hide in the furthest corner. Tucking into yourself as you sit on the floor, you chin resting on your knees. There you finally let your tears fall.
    They come slowly and quietly roll down your cheeks as you try to keep the snot running from your nose off your jeans. It's a useless en-devour. In a matter of moments you start to speak to yourself, trying to comfort the soul inside you crying out. You ask why and what for, but soon it turns to desperate pleas.
    Your so very afraid of what will happen if you fail. It's not just about the consequences or the disappointment. You don't know what you will do if you fail. In fact you're so afraid of what you'll do that you hug yourself closer stifling whatever sounds you make as you quietly beg yourself not to do it.
    As much as you joke about it, as much as you thought about doing it in the past. At this very moment in time right now, you don't want to die. Yet you're so afraid that if you fail, you will do it. No matter how much you love the people around you, no matter how much you want to stay.
    If it happens you don't know if you'll have the strength to keep yourself from doing it. One side of you is screaming to not give in yet, there's still time and hope. Just focus and you can do this. But there's another side, a silent slowly growing roar that says enough is enough and it's time to go, we've overstayed our welcome.
    They both fight, one planning final letters to those you care about, another screaming to get up and go back to studying. They both overwhelm and terrify you. You're frozen in place, wishing the other occupant from your room would just magically appear and make it all better, make it bearable. They don't, you came here to be alone, so alone you shall be.
    You continue crying, speaking, no pleading and begging yourself to stop, to think, to not do it. It goes on for a little while, but you're finally able to talk yourself through it. That voice quiets down and you slowly stand deciding to wash your face at the sink.
    You take off your glove before you splash some water on your face. Eventually your hands stop shaking and you pocket your glove, trying to forget about the other voice the one that wishes so much for the end.
    Still you go back to your room slowly and walk in as if nothing had happened before sitting down and starting to earnestly study. This time the tears stayed at bay.