Sometimes you just want to be alone.
I don't feel like speaking, nor laughing, nor expressing my emotions in any degree. I just kind of want to feel numb for a bit. Just get a bit of alone time where my brain doesn't have to do anything.
One of my biggest problems is over thinking things. I just think too much sometimes. Whether it's about a situation, person or action. My brain will take it and over analyze it to hell. When I'm tired or exhausted this becomes even worse, especially since I tend to lean on the darker theories more than the positive ones.
That's why sometimes I just want to be alone for a bit. Just give me a week of solitude where I can sit in my room and not have to worry about others for a little bit. Where I can just empty out my thoughts and clear my brain of all the mush.
It's probably selfish to do such things, purposefully isolating yourself from the world. It's something that I know is wrong, but I still do it. The bad part is whenever I do this I will sometimes have darker thoughts than entirely necessary.
My mind whispers that hey maybe it's a good time to break it off with Aster. I'll think up scenarios where I die and than wonder who I would speak my final words to, what I would say. I cry, I wallow, I let myself feel my self-hatred I drown myself in my negative emotions, all the while ignoring the cancerous voices in my head.
Because when I do this, it's not to make myself feel bad or terrible, it's more of a catharsis than anything else. As fucked up as that sounds and as strange as this is going to seem. Sometimes just like how I need my solitude, there are times where I just need to delve into my negative emotions. Acknowledging them and accepting them.
That way I can keep expressing the positive emotions to others while keeping the negative ones to myself. One day this will probably get me in trouble, but for now I'll continue this cycle. As long as it keeps me stable I should be okay.
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