One of my lowest low's

    It was August.
    I had been job searching for over a month by then with no responses. I'd gone to so many different places, handed in my CV, made some small talk, just tried to make a good first impression. They never got back to me. I don't remember how many times I heard, we'll contact you in about a week. Ya, you never did, not a single one.
    After a month of job searching I sort of gave up. I stopped going in person and would occasionally send in my CV to places, but I never really expected them to respond. It's an awefull feeling putting yourself out there, trying to show the world that you can somehow contribute to society only for everyone to knock you down, by completely ignoring your existence.
    During this time I had some really negative tension with my dad right after my brother left. Which is another post entirely that probably already exists, but to sum up my emotional state at this time was pretty shitty. I just felt so worthless. Just a waste of space, someone more deserving should be here and not me. Still I kept going forward, just another month and a half and school would start up again.
Something, anything to keep me occupied.
    It was a suppose to be a simple day, hang out with friends by going to a trampoline park before going for a couple of beers. Easy, a perfect distraction from all of the chaos going on inside my head. If only that were the case. We all arive at  the place, prepped and ready to go. I'm actually excited, because I really like trampolines. So we get inside and I split from the group. I need to just relax and enjoy the bouncy goodness before me on my own for a little while.

    My joy lasted for a total of ten whole minute, before twisting my ankle.

    I was trying to avoid a little kid, because I didn't want to run into her. Well I avoided her then landed right on my ankle. It swelled up a bit, a guy came over and helped me out. I'm not sure if it was dumb luck or fate, but somehow my friends were on the other side of the room and didn't notice my accident. So I did what any normal person did when they got hurt.
    Quietly leave the scene of the crime without telling anyone. Well after I got changed and left the building I texted Aster that something came up and I had to go. Which counts. I called my dad after trying to hobble my way to the main street and realizing that I couldn't get home on my own without feeling immense pain in every step I took. He didn't answer, which caused me to tear up but for some reason I decided to hold back the tears and try to get home. He called back a few minutes later saying he couldn't talk cause he was at the movies and that the movie would be over in an hour. For some reason I just said ok than hung up.
    The flood gates opened by this point. I was walking through a main street trying to get home, ignoring the throbbing pain in my foot while crying my eyes out. The tears were free flowing and at one point I stopped in a parking lot and sat down to rest my leg for a minute and just cried my eyes out for a good while. All the while putting myself down even more.
    "See look at how worthless you are. Can't find a job, can't jump on a fucking trampoline right. Now your even more useless than before. Just fucking kill yourself. Go find a nice building that someone can push you off of. Oh, wait that's right you can't walk you worthless piece of shit. Just slit your wrists with some broken glass."
    I'm going to be honest. If I had the capacity to walk that day, without feeling as much pain as I was, than I would have jumped off a building. Fuck the end date to force me to live, fuck school, my loved ones. In that very moment if someone came up to me and pointed a gun at my head I would have been happy.
    I eventually got up though, mostly because it was getting dark, I was getting cold and I knew no one would help me. All of this was my fault. I could have gotten help from Aster, from my dad, but I didn't. For some reason I just wanted to suffer in silence. No one knows that I broke down in that parking lot, everyone who saw me at home just thinks I sluggishly made my way back. Aster immediately came over as soon as he found out what happened, than berated me for my stupidity, along with my father. A month later I found a job, but it really didn't help give my life purpose. It seemed to just remind me even more that my life has no fucking purpose and I can't seem to make one for myself.