Not knowing why you find it so difficult to function, to move forward, to do anything really. It seems like it's harder and harder to wake up everyday. I always set an alarm so I don't sleep till noon, forcing myself to go to bed before 2. All to make it easier to get up the next day, to function well on the eight hours of sleep I have in me. It doesn't work though, I wake up and force myself to get out of bed, get dressed, in the mean time debating if I can wear the same clothes I wore yesterday or change them.
Breakfast used to be one of my favorite meals, now I make coffee and find that I have to force myself to eat some toast at least, because I can't function on an empty stomach. I don't have much of an appetite in general anymore. I blamed it on stress earlier, but it's been over two weeks maybe longer and my drive to eat is still at an all time low. I drink plenty of tea and water, force at least one fruit in me and than a sandwich or some kind of grains, but thats usually it.
Large meals have lost their appeal to me. I've been surviving off of small snacks, an apple, a cup of oatmeal with a banana, some trail mix, wafers with cream cheese and some kind of vegetable. I don't eat much meat anymore, yesterday I had a small chicken sandwich, but before than I haven't really touched the stuff much. I haven't really eaten chocolate either. I bought a huge chocolate bar, about two weeks ago, that I usually eat within three days, I threw a third of it out yesterday because I couldn't bring myself to finish it. Luckily I still crave sweets, but it's usually cookies that aren't very intense.
When you don't eat you're sort of lethargic, so I have less of a drive to do much of anything. There is little reason to leave the house, I tend to stay in my room. I've been finding it so hard to write this past month. I've tried at least once a week and all of that has resulted in are three or four half started drafts that are never going to be finished. I'm not even sure if I'll finish this, or if I'll post it just to show that I'm still alive.
It's exam season, the time I should be studying my ass off, but my brain is just on power saving mode. It's so hard to force myself to sit down and study. I don't understand why this is happening, whats going on. I started exercising again, I was writing more, I was talking with people outside of school more, hadn't done anything too stupid with Aster. Now it feels like I've taken five steps back and the me that did all those things is just a clone who only took my good habits. I have two exams tomorrow that I should be studying my ass off for, yet my brain just says why bother. I should care about this, this decides my future, but all I think is whats the point?
Life is after all just one big distraction, but all of my distractions seem to have stopped working on me. It feels like I'm just an empty shell, that's waiting to be cracked open. Not so I can grow into something better, but to just be able to crumble into dust and be done with whatever this is.
It's so quiet.
Everything around me is still.
The willow's branches have stopped rustling.
The fireflies no longer glow.
The pond has dried up.
The flowers have wilted.
Everything in my mind is dead.
The only light leads to the empty gravestone at the cliffs edge.
Wait, it's not empty anymore.
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