Gibberish

    I'm warning anyone that reads this right now. Everything that you're about to read is love sick bullshit from an emotionally stunted human, so you will most likely be super fucking bored. With that said if you don't want to read this shit, than don't, something more interesting will probably pop up in a weeks time.

    It usually happens when I'm trying to fall asleep. I'll be trying to focus on my breathing so I'm not laying in bed for over an hour failing to lose consciousness and he pops into my head. It's not even subtle because for the past few months my brain will go straight to him. It's like I'm just laying there failing at sleeping and my brain goes 'I wonder how his day went? Wonder if he's sleeping yet? I should text him tomorrow. I want to see him.'
    That is usually where the thought process ends because I tend to cut myself off. If I dwell on it too long I start to feel empty and sad, just not things I want to feel right before bed. Still it's been happening so much to me recently that I'm not even surprised by it anymore nor annoyed.
    At first I felt sort of like a stalker, it just seemed weird to go to bed thinking of him and feeling sad that he wasn't laying in the empty spot next to me. It's like seriously human, you sound like some widowed old lady or creepy, obsessive stalker. Doesn't help that I always write down the days and hours he works. Its so I don't accidentally text him when he has a 6 o'clock shift! Ya, is it really just that though?
    It's not just at night, during the day I'll be spacing out and my brain will just drift to him, replaying some kind of recent fun memory with him or thinking of texting him. Just sitting in the lecture hall pretending to listen and my brain will conjure his smile or chameleon eyes.
    Ugh, it's even worse when I see a blond ponytail. I know it's not him, that's not the right shade, length, he wouldn't be here blah, blah, blah. What do I do? Look after the human anyways because what if it is him? My heart always quickens just a tiny bit, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe it is him. It never is though.
     What is this behavior? What are these emotions? I don't completely understand and that which comes to mind is so scary. I want to run away, but my heart breaks at just the thought of doing such a horrible thing. Not to mention what he would feel.
    We were suppose to meet up saturday and go to a party with the drinking gang, but I felt like shit so I just curled up on the couch in the living room, next to the fire for warmth and snoozed while watching a movie for an hour. I left my phone upstairs and when I went to get my laptop from my room, where my phone was I found three text messages and two missed calls all from him. When I was about to text back he ends up calling again, so i finally answer not that I ignored all the other calls, I just hadn't heard them. My phone is perpetually on vibrate.
    I'm surprised to find him asking if I'm alright and if everything is ok, because it's unusual for me not to respond quickly to a text when we had plans. Am I a shitty person for being surprised that he was so worried? We've been together for 2,5 years now, so it's not strange that we care for each other, but I'm always surprised when I hear panic in his voice or anger concerning me, because as usual I do something stupid. Now I'm wondering if he ever thinks about me and that's a bad path to go down.
    We were suppose to live together starting at the beginning of the month and I was sure he'd move in last week, but he never did, even after I told him that the room was all set up so he could bring his stuff over whenever. He has a key, so he literally can bring his things at any time. Now I'm thinking if he's changed his mind and he no longer wants to live together. It's understandable because he'd be living with my father and grandmother as well which could take some getting used to, but if that's the case than I.
    I was looking forward to it so much and I keep thinking about it and him and I was so excited and now if it not going to happen than. Sigh, I'm acting like a spoiled child again. It's just I've been looking forward to it for so long. Ever since I got a taste for it in july my mind has constantly been drifting towards that idea and a life with Aster (and Bax of course), just seems so appealing.

    I don't know what I want from life. 

    When they asked me what I wanted after high school my reply was something like this 'A decent job that pays the bills and a place for myself.' It was so vague and still is. There is little that I know that I want and suddenly my brain has decided that I want Aster to be a part of my life and I want to be a part of his.
    I don't want to only see him once a week, because we only have time for that. I want to wake up next to him, be annoyed at him for sleeping so long, bother him when he's being grumpy, avoid him when he tries to get me to play games with him and his friends. I want to see all of his sides, the good, the bad, the grumpy, the sleepy, the sick, the annoyed, the caring, the angry, the loving one that only I see.
    I want to just call him and try to subtly ask if he still wants to move in or if he's changed his mind. If it's the first one than I'd offer to help and propose to do it the next day if he can and if it's the latter than pretend to be perfectly okay and understanding while my heart cries on the inside.
    There's a part of me that's screaming to shut up, to just bottle all of this inside, because these feeling will just rip me apart at a moments notice and I'll go right back to where I was just a few years ago. I'm so impatient, but I've been waiting for so long and I just want it to happen now.
    I know it won't be glamorous, far from it, as Larkspur has happily showed me with her hubby, but I want to experience it with Aster. I want to see if we like living with each other and that our relationship can continue moving forward. Because there's this awful thought inside me that keeps trying to surface, but I always ignore it.

Do you know what promise rings are?

    You know how when a partner proposes to the other and when they get married they tend to both wear gold bands for the rest of their lives? It's like that except instead of getting married, each partner gets a ring for the other and they promise themselves to each other. There's no marriage ceremony or shit, just a promise between two people to always stay with the other.

I'm starting to think I want that with Aster.....

    This one thought is causing me to cry and curl in on myself, because it's so very terrifying to me. How could I possibly have fallen so god damn fucking hard that my brain is coming up with this bullshit. Yet, here I am laughing and crying at the same time because I'm a stupid fucking moron.
    I'll never have the courage to say this to Aster, I'm barely able to tell him I love him because I'm a broken mess. So scared of saying such things, because everyone around me who's ever fallen in love has come out of it broken and bitter. I'm already broken, but I don't want to be bitter about something so warm, heartfelt.
    I don't have the strength to talk to Aster about this, afraid of stupid what ifs, that my brain easily comes up with. Still I always say that the next time I see him I will tell him I love him, so I feel less guilty, but I never do. It always dies on my lips, my tongue loses it's strength, it's the same with complements. Why is it so hard to just randomly tell someone they're beautiful? I thought I built up my confidence again, but I question it sometimes, because during key moments I always seem to fail.

FUCK.

    This was suppose to be short, cause I'm suppose to be thinking about school and crap, yet this thing is super long and it's just me babbling about something stupid. I started writing so I wouldn't feel so sad because I probably won't see Aster for at least another week, making it two, but I feel even more shitty.

Sorry for wasting anyones time. I'm just gonna go back to pretending I know what I'm doing.