Paniced Breath's

    Its been three nights. Not in a row thankfully, but I've had this dream three times. For the first time in my life it's not a random dream featuring the same element over and over again. Instead it's a continuation. It's so plain and realistic that by the time I realize it's a dream, it's too late.
    I'm in my home and I just woke up to go to the bathroom. A very normal occurrence for me as I tend to do this once or twice a night. I do my business and am on my way to my room when I hear it. A soft voice says something along the lines of "Man, this place sure has changed."
    The voice was feminine, I find myself waking in a sudden panic. Completely unaware I had been dreaming until I had opened my eyes. That was the first one.
    The second one started the same, me waking, bathroom and walking back. When I hear the creak of someone just getting on the stairs and a very detailed human silhouette just starting to climb them. Awake in a semi-panic once again.
    The last one I had was just a few moments ago. It starts just a tad differently. I'm sleeping in bed, when I am woken by Aster, which for once isn't strange because he's staying the night. He pulls me into his arms and I fall back asleep. 
    A little while later I wake up to go to the bathroom again. This is were the dreams overlap again. I walk out and this time I see her. Standing on the stairs, fixing her makeup. She reminds me of my mother when she had deep red hair. Except there was something off about her, as if she were mixed with my aunt she gave off a harpy like feeling.
    For some reason a part of my brain thought she wasn't real so I decided to make a noise. The lady didn't even flinch. But for some reason this scared me even more and I shouted Asters name and ran into the room. He wakes and I quickly tell him there's someone in the house, but he doesn't understand, he doesn't hear or see anything. I turn to the door and all I see is her shadow in the hallway right before my room and I wake.
    Panicked, because I was so sure that was all real, but none of that happened. I walk to the bathroom needing to make sure she's no longer there and she isn't but I'm still scared.

Why am I dreaming like this?

 What was that?

 What did that mean?

 Why can't a get a full nights rest for once?

    I don't know what any of this means or why it's happening. What could my subconscious be trying to tell me? Maybe I'll look for more info in the morning, but really what am I suppose to search for? Red haired, mom look alike, slowly stalking me through my home? I don't know what to do.

I just want to sleep.   

Why am I up here again!?

    So here I am again. I think looking around my gray mind-scape. Still the same as it was last time, surprisingly nothings really changed too much. There seem to be a few more fireflies from last time. The willow's looking beautiful with its dark bark and stunning leaves. There seems to be a new color popping up, a dark red? There are only a few of those colored leaves, but they seem to be closer to the ground than the others, so these are newer memories. I go to touch one, curious as to what it will play in my mind but
"There's no way I'm letting you escape from this."
Shit, it's...
"You bet your fucking non-virgin pussy it's me."
    I turn around and less than a foot away is a dark green human silhouette with a mouth. That's new. "It Jashin damn is and guess what I'm not fucking happy about it. You know why I have this new accessory on my face, Greasy Ears?" I shrink back knowing the answer and feeling somewhat ashamed.
    "You bet you're ass you should be ashamed of yourself!" I've been unconsciously moving back during this entire encounter trying to escape from my persona, even though I know it's moot. When my back hit's my tree I know I can't escape. How did I let it come to this?
    "Oj, puppykicker look at me when I'm talking to you, cause I'm down right pissed and I don't need your inner sappy monologue butting in."
Sorry..
    "I'm not accepting any apology from you." They get right in my face and I look where eyes should be, where a glare should be. I'm still terrified. "I said I hate coming up here and look what you've done, you've brought two of us up here in a matter of weeks! What the hell is going on with you? The funny part is you act like this on the dot almost every year."
What do you mean by that I ask, curious I'm not an actor.
    "Last time I was brought up here it was the 24th of march 2017. It's just over a year raincloud." Despite the lack of facial features, aside from the very large mouth I could very easily tell that my persona was tense with rage. "Shut up!" At that moment I feel a strong pain in my jaw and my knees crumple under me. Did they just punch me?
    "Your damn right I did, cause you're starting to piss me off! It's so obvious as to why I'm here and yet you're avoiding the answer like a sleazy politician. You know exactly why I'm here and if you dare deny it I am going to kick you in the balls." 
    I sigh, before nodding. Lightly cupping my check and looking towards the cliff where they all seem to come from. I've been too lazy recently. This gets a snort from the other, but I continue knowing what has to be done. I don't even have any excuses I know I'm just trying to avoid everything for as long as possible.
Probably explains why I've been writing so much.
"You write to de-stress, that hasn't changed about you."
I'm under that much stress?
"You're really good at hiding it."
I'm a fucking moron.
"Forever and always."
    There's silence between us for a moment as I let my actions sink in. It has been bad lately, really bad. "Exactly, that's why I'm here to fucking get your head out of your ass. Stop over thinking everything. Now I hate to repeat myself, but it seems I have to when it comes to you.
    You aren't a genius, never will be. Guess what though, that's perfectly okay. The fact that you take longer to learn things, are a bit slow on the uptake sometimes, that's alright too. 
    Look at you last time I was here you were a loner you only had yourself and a few others. Now though, now you have actual friends and people to talk to. Ask for help and get to know. It's not looking anywhere near as dreary as it was last time. So get to fucking work you lazy ass. 
    After this semester you have a three month long break, three whole months! Think of all the things you won't have to do then! Maybe you'll actually finish Monster this summer, probably get another tattoo if you go to the festival thingy, get drunk with your friends. Look at all the things awaiting you on the horizon. 
    There's one catch though, you have to pass this semester and stay in school. Work hard for 2 and a half months so that way you can have three months of laziness. I say that's a fair trade." At some point they crossed their arms, making them seem even more important.
    When it's thrown in my face like that I have to accept that I've been running. Damn, I have a shit ton of work ahead of me. "Yup," they reply pulling me up from the ground and putting their semi-translucent hand over my shoulder "but I know you can do. Plus that vacation time sounds like so much fun."
    I nod and sigh. This is going to suck. "Ya, but would you rather have that stone filled in already?" 
    I glance at the mentioned stone, situated near the cliffs end, before shaking my head. Not ready for that just yet, too many interesting things going on at the moment.
    "Exactly," they say letting go of me and walking towards the edge. "do I have to mention what's going to happen if I'm brought up here again?" I shake my head, it's sort of obvious. "Keep at it kid, you're finally past the halfway point." 
    With that they fall over the edge and disappear into the darkness bellow. Damn, greeny's going to kick my ass the next time we're going to be face to face again.

Snapshots from another Life

    The brunet sighs as she enters her home, shoulders slouching and head pounding. It's quiet and no dog comes to great her so that must mean Aster came earlier than her. Not surprising since it's almost 19. She lazily puts away her shoes and coat before walking into the kitchen to make some tea. With a strong cup of green tea in her hands she makes her way to the bedroom, not interested in sleeping but just wanting to lay down and ignore the pain encasing her head.
    Without a thought she puts on her pj's and curls underneath a blanket, trying to relax. After a while she hears the front door opening and the pitter patter of doggy paws. Bax always seems to know when she's home, less than a second later hes in the bedroom, head perched on the bed and giving her puppy-dog eyes.
    The brunet smiles as she sticks out a hand to pet the happy puppy, the canine in question milks it for all it's worth, before running off to get his other human. A moment later a blond walks in, 'Hey,' he says smiling while bringing his hand to her forehead, 'you okay?'
    The brunet gives a nod before whispering, 'just a migraine it'll go away after I go to sleep, nothing to worry about.'
    'Have you eaten?'
    'No, but I'm not sure I won't just throw it back up right now.'
    The blond nods before leaving the room. The other occupant is in their own little world, falling into a half daze like state, just trying to relax. It's quiet in the house for a little while before Aster comes in wearing pj's, laptop under his arm.
    'Wanna watch a movie?' The other nods and curls into their partner while the movie plays in the background.

    For once the two of them are in separate rooms, not because they had gotten into a fight, but because Aster is playing with his friends over skype and Nast decided to do her own thing. The brunet in question had headphones on and was in a singing mood, so she blasted music while browsing the interwebs all the while singing and sometimes dancing to the songs.
    She rarely did this anymore, but it'd been so long she just felt the need to jam out. So it isn't strange that she stops noticing whats going on around her.
    Suddenly arms envelop her and she practically falls off of her chair, the only thing keeping her from falling was the body enveloping her. 'I had no clue you liked to sing and dance,' whispers Aster as he leans into her, 'and surprisingly you aren't terrible.'
    'Such kind words from the person that likes to whisper sing in the car,' replies Nast trying to ignore the heat against her lower back and thus invoking her own. 'Why are you even here? Aren't you playing something with the dudes?'
'We're on a food break so I thought I'd bother you a bit.'
'How long were you watching me,' the girl asks with dread.
'Just a song or two maybe even three,' he laughs smirking into her neck.
    The girl slumps, trying to ignore the growing dread, 'this is going to be used as black mail isn't it?'
'Oh, definitely.'

    Aster walks into his home aggravated and annoyed, he's had a long and tiring day. Not even Bax seems to be able to bring his mood up by much once he gets back.
    The day started out okay, but than his mom called him telling him to come to her work after his shift. Thus he was aggravated the entire time wondering what his mother would want from him. Once he finally gets there the two of them get into a huge fight. It's just been a shitty day.
    'Hey,' says Nast from the living room typing away at her laptop. Aster replies half heartedly before making a beeline for her. The brunet recognizes what about to happen and puts her laptop to the side before getting a lapfull of Aster. She had been laying down and her partner had layed down right on top of her.
    She hugs him, before stating the obvious 'rough day?' to which the other only nods. He just focuses on breathing in Nast's scent and trying to ignore the emotions boiling inside of him, there is no need to be so mad, he has to think rationally. They sit like this for a little while, before Aster finally starts to recount what had happened.

    It's something every couple goes through at one point or another. It's always hard to talk about, but it has to be done. Otherwise it can be close to impossible to live with one another. This couple really only had the talk once they were forced to.
    It starts with Aster doing something in the kitchen and thinking he's alone let's one rip. It's loud and somewhat smelly, but he's fine for he's sure that Nast is in the basement doing some laundry- he was wrong. The brunet in question was in the hallway and heard the whole thing. Now she could have ignored it and moved on but she was tired of having to hide her farts, so she confronted the blond.
    'You just farted didn't you.' She stats looking at the man. The human in question scans the area, but for once the girl knows his train of thought and says 'Bax is in the garden, so it was you.'
'Yes, it was me, okay.' Aster finally replies, but I thought you were downstairs.'
    'Can we just freely fart in front of one another without worry? I'm getting tired of leaving the room every time I need to toot.'
 'That sounds like something we should have decided a long time ago, just not during meals or during bedroom activities.'
'Deal,' replies the girl, 'Pleasure doing business with you good sir.

From School to whatever the F*ck that was

    I've been writing a lot recently. Within a week I've written three maybe four post. Not all of them have been posted nor were they posted the day I wrote them, but it's a lot for me. I'm more of a once a week kind of writer, yet here I am churning shit out like it NaNoWriMo. Which I still want to take part in, probably will next year.
    I guess I'm just on edge. I'm terrified of this semester in school. It seems so much like I don't belong there. I am not a good programmer, hell I don't even really see myself as one. I don't code in my time off, pretty much only do it for school and even then it's usually the bare minimum. Some lines of code are borrowed from online, others my friends give me. If someone tried to have an honest nerd talk with me on the subject they'd be thoroughly disappointed. I hate to say this, but I've come to fear programming. And it's all my fault.
    I don't study it in my off time, nor do I get super absorbed by it. Instead I'm terrified of making a proper program, one that's esthetically pleasing and doesn't take up unnecessary memory, something that isn't written in a simple text document and compiled through a linux terminal. That's not even mentioning all the things I don't understand. The language barrier is strong with this one. Most teachers introduce some material and it's go learn it online which is all english. So great for me, but than they start asking questions in polish and I don't really know what they're asking because really I taught myself the material in english not polish.
    Although teaching myself the material is honestly laughable at best. It's more of a learn enough to make it sound like you know what it is. I don't feel comfortable, I feel lost as if everything were moving too fast. It's my fault for not constantly keeping up with the material, putting things off and doing everything, but the things you need to do. Or starting homework at 18, instead of 14 thus staying up till midnight or later. It's a cycle that I try to break and almost always lose to.
    I used to be such a hard worker. I was one of those annoying kids that did their homework the day it was assigned so that I could get it done without a rush. Neat and tidy, my full effort. Now, well now it's just get it done, but only put enough effort in to pass. It's not particularly satisfying, but I have so much trouble forcing myself to sit down and just do the god damn thing. I feel like the first month of school is great, I keep up with the work flow and do well. Then the second month rolls around and I start to lag behind, before just slowly scrapping by.
    It's only week five of fifteen and I'm already behind. This semester is looming over me and I can already feel my white hairs reappearing. I just want to give up, say fuck it I tried, I can't do this anymore. That's the thing though, did I really try? Maybe in the beginning, first semester definitely. Now though, now I just do what absolutely has to be done and thats it.
    My mind has fallen into I just want to pass, get this degree, start working so I can be independent and than try to find some kind of happiness in my boring life.
    Sorry, I was spoiled by Aster this weekend and now the emptiness is creeping back in. Stop fucking crying! I had a long school weekend this week, five whole days of freedom and I was suppose to use that time to catch up with school things, touch on C, C++ and SQL, but I did none of that. I saw Aster thursday and asked if he'd want to take come back with Bax (his dog) to my place so we can just see each other for two days straight. Cause he had school during the weekend, so I thought it'd be cool to get some extra time with him. He agreed, so at around midnight we left his place and drove back to mine, where we just went straight to bed.
    It was a bit stressful cause we were both worried about Bax. He's prone to getting sick or hurt, I swear the dog inherited my clumsiness and Aster's looks, and since he's not that used to my place yet he gets stressed. He's familiar with my room, but because we tend to keep him locked up in it, with us, he gets stressed that he doesn't have the option to leave the room even though he knows he can. We know he stress poops, the runny kind, so we just keep my door closed so he doesn't go when we aren't aware. Keeping him cooped up isn't too great of an idea, but until we can trust him more, that's what we'll probably do.
    Anyway, they come over stay the night. End up staying till like nine in the evening the next day, which was wonderful. I don't even remember what we did, aside from that, since it was such a tame day. To sum it up we just sort of hung out, slept till ten did our own things while sitting near each other, watched Bax. Helped my father with dinner, really boring domestic shit and I loved it.
    Those two days were not the end of that though, oh no. What happens next I get to see Aster again the very next day. Well it's more like evening, but same shit different time. The boys felt like hanging out, so I offered up my place since my dad was cool with it. We made pizza, that tasted more like sponge cake, played games and talked it was fun and really chill. The best part Aster stayed over and stayed for most of the next day, he ditched classes because he'd already gone over the material.
    So in total I got four days of Aster, including two nights which is more Aster time than I've gotten since September or maybe even August. Since that time it's mostly been once a week with an occasional sleepover here and there. Nothing too long, just to wash away my stress and receive my only hug for the week, get a reminder as to why I'm still here.
    Sorry this is going to be such a bitchy thing to say, but since I've been spoiled over the four days now him not being here is harder than it should be. You don't realize how much something keeps you stable until it's gone. Fucking Jashin motherfucking damn it! It's not healthy to rely so much on a single human to help keep you stable. It down right shows how much I still struggle with my thoughts even though I express them more openly now.
    I have a theory, I joke about death a lot in my group of friends. It's so normal that they don't even bat an eye at it anymore. Over the past few months though, Aster seems to have taken my death 'jokes' more seriously than ever before. Maybe he realized that even though I'm afraid I still don't want to be here anymore. That this silly game we have of him not giving me permission is stupid but I love it because it's just one more stupid fucking reason to keep moving forward. Because at least there's one person that's constantly saying no and threatening to bring you back to life if only to annoy you to death.
    It's unhealthy how much I've come to rely on him. I keep repeating this over in this post, in my head, when I see him as if I were hoping that I'd just magically stop relying on him. Just poof the reliance is gone, but I just don't know how to do that. This place helps me keep my thoughts straight, my emotions from going haywire. He helps to remind me why I'm even bothering with all of this fucking bullshit. I just want to be done, but I want to be with him more, experience new things, go through rough times, argue, fight, make up, discover new things with him.

I hate this. 

I hate myself.

I hate this feeling. 

The emptiness always returns when he's gone and after four days with him it's hit me like a ton of bricks. 

    I've challenged Aster to find this blog, he started searching just recently but hasn't come up with anything yet. I'm conflicted as to whether I want him to find it or not. He should know how broken I really am, how unhealthy my reliance of him is. I secretly want him to get scared away, because he should be with someone better.
    When someone who's had to leave people they care about, than people are taken from them, until finally the only one you have left stops treating you with care. When someone like that finds someone who likes them without being blood related, likes you knowing you aren't 100% there and actively remind you that they don't give you permission to die than it's hard not to get attached to someone like that.
    This just turned into another long ass post. I'm crying again, because I don't know. I just, I don't really know. This is what happens when I feel safe and warm for four days straight. After it's gone the darkness just rears it's violent head. I'm done now, promise. Sorry for babbling. 

A life for a life

There's a different scene in my head, almost every time I close my eyes.

    It's a normal day. You're with them, enjoying yourselves and the weather. It's the first time in a long while since you've been able to meet up. You're both happy and excited looking forward to the plans you've made. Before the two of you head off you have to stop at an atm, the place you're going to doesn't accept cards so you need some extra cash. You make casual conversation the whole time, laughing about the smallest of things.
    Everything is great until they walk up to you wielding a large knife. None of you know the assailant, unrecognizable, plain faced almost. They casually walk up to the both of you and in an even tone, tell you to give them everything. The both of you quickly comply and hand over all of your valuables. The assailant seems satisfied, chuckles and says too easy, before tightening their hold on the knife.
    In that moment you don't think, walking in front of them and grabbing hold of the knife as it slices into you. The assailant surprisingly freaks and runs off, leaving the knife sticking out of you.
    They shout and drop to their knees as they scramble trying to figure out what to do. They shout for help, cursing that they handed over their phone to the runaway assailant and cursing you for doing this. Because if it wasn't for you moving, than they would be the one lying in a puddle of their own blood.



    It's chilly today, the snow fall has been heavy and the streets are filled with white. The entire town looks like it's been taken out of a fairy tale. Still you're cold so you shuffle along in the snow focusing on trying to get home as quickly as possible. You're crossing a busy street with a bunch of other pedestrians, it's a cross walk and the light is green so you mindlessly cross. You don't think to look both ways, after all it is a pedestrian crossing.
    All you hear is a screech from what seems to be a car as it's trying in vain to stop. It had been going too fast and the streets being covered in snow make it much more difficult to stop. Still it's coming straight at you, you and a younger middle schooler with headphones on.
    You work on autopilot as you grab the kids shoulders and push him back, it's less than a second later when you feel the impact and your pushed back. The world goes dark, while the once snow slicked streets are covered in crimson.



    It's dark out, you're rushing back home from work. You stayed too late, working on something that will result in nothing. You walk through side streets in order to get home faster, hoping you don't run into anyone on your way. It's half way into the maze of side streets that you start to hear muffled crying and the sound of skin on skin. You freeze, unsure of what to do. Still you dial the police and whisper where you are asking for assistance. They'll be on scene in just a few minute, but who knows if that's really true.
    Without thinking you shout, knowing there's only one accuser and one victim. Just gotta distract them. The victim looks worst for ware while the accuser seems beyond mad. You call out, taunting with all the confidence you don't have. Anything to get them apart, to give the other a chance to run. After all the police should be here soon enough.
    It works miraculously and the accuser runs at you, face red and fist raised. You try to escape their blows while at the same time laughing and taunting, distracting to your best abilities. The blows keep coming, stronger and more rage filled, until finally you're knocked off your feet. You don't get a chance to get up though as the assailant kicks you in the stomach, knocking out all the air from your lungs. You gasp for air, but you inhale little as the next kick is aimed at your face. The kicks just keep coming and slowly you feel yourself losing consciousness.
    Off in the distance you can hear sirens, but you know it's too late, because just a few moments ago you started watching your assailant from above, not below.

Cross Conversation

"Why are you here?"

'I, I don't know..'

"...."

' . . . '

"Something is wrong, so that is why
you are here. I can not help you unless
you tell me what is bothering you."

'Me being here, doesn't that mean 

I don't know what's bothering me?'

"Yes and no."

' . . .Why am I..... Am I... I don't 

know where to start or begin or end.'

"Understandable, too many things in that
head of yours. I suggest starting from
the easy things."

'Am I fake?'

"What do you mean by that?"

'I feel as if I put on a different persona

 for everyone I meet...'

"Well you do sort of do that but all
of those persona's are centered around
your true personality. Meaning you
are not being fake, but just holding
certain parts of yourself back."

'.. .. .. Do I play the happy-go-lucky too much?'

"Do you feel like you do?"

'Sometimes, but it's mostly for certain people.'

"Why just those people?"

'Because I want to see them smile....

 Is that weird?'

"I don't believe it is."

'Aren't I technically lying to them?'

"By not being your 'true' self?"

'......'

"Well I think you just want to make
their day a little more fun. I see
little wrong with that."

'. . .'

"...."

'. . Why.. Why don't I ..... 

How come I don't feel happy?'

"That has many answers."

'..I just... There are so many things

 going on. So many people and 

friends and all of these things that

 I haven't experienced in so

 long, but I feel...'

"Overwhelmed, scared, unsure?"

'...'

"That is not surprising. As you said it
has been a long time since you have
had this much. Are you scared?"

'Yes.'

"Of the pain?"

'It's been a while since it hurt...'

"Yes, it has been a long time."

'It'd be wrong to disappear, wouldn't it?'

"I am positive you would hurt people
by doing that. Is that something
you wish to do?"

'Not on purpose.'

"What do you always say?"

'Enjoy the time you have with them,

 so you can look back on it

 with a smile later.... 

I'm a hypocrite,

 aren't I.'

"As long as you are aware,
I think you will be ok."

'. . .'

"There is something else?"

'...I can't change it.... 

It was never up to me to

 decide anyways, but I still....'

"You still wish it."

'...'

"Well there is little I can help you with
in that sense. After all you know there
is little that can be done, unless?"

'No.. nothing that sever, but..... 

I can't help but wonder, especially

 when these things pop up.

 If it wouldn't be easier if...'

"Well yes, I can understand why you
would think that."

'How different would everything be

 if that one thing was different?'

"That is something that can only be
imagined, but I am fairly certain
your life would be very different."

'You think?'

"I do believe so."

'You're probably right....

Still it's just...'

"Annoying, complicates things?"

'Yes! I hate it sometimes. 

These rules and norms...

 Things that happen over time, 

everything pertaining to that.'

"There is little you can do
in that regard."

'It's still something I occasionally

 wish for, even when such

 situations aren't present.'

"Understandable, either way
I am afraid I cannot help you with
this problem much, sorry."

'It's okay, this is my own doing. 

If I just didn't care so much....'

"Why do you care?"

'Because I know what it's like 

to feel alone and I don't want people

 to feel that if I can't help it. 

Does that make me sound 

stuck up?'

"You want to save everyone from loneliness?
 You realize this is impossible."

'Maybe not everyone, but if I can

 at least help a few than that's better

 than ignoring them completely.

 Am I wrong?

 Is what I'm doing wrong?

 Should I stop? 

Would it be better if I closed up again?

 I don't know what would be easier...'

"Doing the right thing is not suppose to
 be easy. As cliché as that sounds,
but in this regard just keep doing
what you are doing."

'But what if I hurt them because 

they take it the wrong way,

 I would hate that.'

"Then you would have to stop,
but would that not hurt them even more?"

'.. .. Ya, you're right....

 I hate this.'

"You hate yourself.
You hate yourself for many things,
but the one thing you should not hate
yourself for is that, because it is the
one thing you cannot change."

'I'm still frustrated.'

"Understandable, but that does not mean
you should allow it to control you.
There is a line between
being mean and being sarcastic,
being funny and being cruel.
You know that difference,
so remember and follow it."

'You're right.... I'm sorry...'

"..."

'I'm so tired.'

"That is understandable.
Rest for a little while, that
way you can go back to being yourself."

'Your sure I can't just run away?'

"..."

'Fine..... I'll stay. 

I'll last through this and look towards

 a longer break. Hopefully it doesn't

 give me more stress.'

"Stay strong, just don't give in
to the darkness too much.
You know how much I hate the rain."

'No promises......

 thanks.'

"I don't want to see you
for at least a year."

'Oj, I don't choose

 to come down here!'

"..."

'I'm going, I'm going.'

Almost had to start over again.....

    Been a while since I posted. Well I broke my weekly streak, although I did write something last week, but I ended up not posting it.
    It's been a bit of a time here in the good old home of (Insert Name Here). What I'm specifically referring to is last week. Holy shit did that happen?
First off a warning, because this is going to be a documentation of a single week, the fifth of March to the ninth specifically. These five fucking days were an emotional roller coaster for me and I feel it's probably going to be a good idea to write them down. Maybe try to process all the emotions I went through that time, because I sort of feel I swept them under the rug and am now ignoring them. And we all know what happens when you don't take care of your emotional problems in a timely matter.

Ya, so warning, LONG ASS POST. Don't read if you've got more interesting things to do. 

    It started on monday the fifth. I'd just had a pretty good weekend. I bought the switch on friday and had gotten Breath of the Wild as a birthday present, so I was gaming pretty much non-stop for the entire week. This was a great stress reliever for me, so I went to school on monday with a smile. I get there and pretty much chase down Zin, because I can't not show him my new toy. Then off to class I go. It went by pretty quick, although I did terribly because I couldn't focus on the task at hand. After that class I had a lecture, but I had to drop off ECTS papers to the office so I could continue studying at the school.
    Quick note on ECTS papers, here you don't pay for college, but if you don't pass a subject you have to pay to retake it. I hadn't passed an Assembly x86 class and one math class that I hadn't passed again. I was fairly calm, because I checked online and there was no limit to how many times you could repeat a class. Zin stands in line next to me and watches me play the switch, Ohing and ahing at the graphics on the tiny little thing. That one conversation has probably been one of our geekiest yet, and I fucking loved it. Meanwhile every time I looked up from playing another one of our friends kept making faces at us, that pretty much screamed NERDS.
    Finally after about twenty minutes of waiting I get to go in to the secretary and as soon as she see's me she says "I saw you didn't pass the math class. I'm gonna have to wipe you from the register." These words completely shocked me, "What?" I say, but there was nothing  like that written online. She explains to me that in general students can repeat classes as many times as they wish, except classes from the first semester. I'm almost hyperventilating at this point, because fuck I didn't think they'd kick me out. I'd already gone through a year and a half I didn't want to start all over again. I practically beg her, asking if there is any way I can continue studying. She thinks for a moment before calling out to the vice-Director who is sitting in the other room, asking her if she has a few moments to spare. The vice-director accepts and asks what the situation is. I explain and answer all her questions, what other classes I've failed, why I failed this one. I was very honest with that last one, explaining I thought I could learn the material on my own, since the professor who headed the exam was basing everything off the book he wrote.
    She nodded and listened to me and after I finished talking she gave me three options: two of which involved starting school over from scratch again, which I was not about to do. The final one was going to the professor that failed me, explaining my situation and asking him if he would give me one more term to try to pass. I thanked her for her time and left the room.
    Zin walks in right after me and two of our friends ask why that took so long. At this point my mind was going crazy, because I had no idea what was going to happen. Just processing this bomb shell was making my head spin. When they asked me, and I gave them a short version of what had transpired I completely lost my cool. I was having trouble holding back my tears, my voice and hands were shaking. Zin came out of the office right after and his face turned very serious when he saw me. I think I tried to just leave the conversation at that point saying I gotta go talk to the professor and just left, but Zin followed me.
    He wouldn't leave and I couldn't keep my composure anymore, so I broke down into tears. Another human saw me cry, that streak has gone up by two within six months. Still I don't really remember what happened during this time. All I know is that I'm pretty sure I was almost constantly talking about random crap that's been bothering me or just festering in my mind. I do that a lot, actually pretty much every time I cry I end up talking aloud. Maybe it helps ground me, especially when I can't hug anyone and just hold on for dear life; Larkspur and Aster. So I did what I always do when I'm sad; cry, rage and hug myself. This entire thing happened in a school corridor that luckily didn't have many students in it at the time. Still after about ten minutes of crying and mindless talking, I calmed down.
    Zin was there the whole time watching, talking and trying to point me to the positive thoughts. Which definitely helped a lot, he also forced me to go talk to the professor that failed me. Which thank the lord all mighty or whoever the fuck managed that for me, because after going over my exams and talking with me for a bit he decided to give me one final exam. On my worst area in math- Probability theory. Now after looking over my last exam he noticed that out of the four probability questions I only really touched one and didn't even get full points for it. So he said that this final exam will consist of four probability questions and in order to pass I needed to get at least two right.
    I'm pretty sure I left that room in a daze, wondering how the fuck I was going to teach myself probability theory in less than three days. While at the same time I was overjoyed that I could still continue to be a student. I replay what happened to the ever present Zin and his reaction is great. I don't remember his exact words but it was something like "Super, than you just gotta study that and your good." Such a simple thing, as if it were that easy. Made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. Still we parted with a promise. I promised to study, while he promised to check under my glove tomorrow under any means necessary.
    I'm trying to remember what I felt that day, or that week in fact, but honestly I went through so many strong emotions in such a short time that I think I just suppressed everything once I found out I had one last shot. I didn't have time to think about anything too deep, I forgot about the what ifs and the maybes, all of that was buried deep within me while I focused on the task at hand- staying in school.
    Now I have to be frank I didn't want to stay in school, because it's the right thing to do or because my family would be disappointed in me if I dropped out again. No, I have a very selfish reason for staying in school which is wanting to see my friends more. Zin and I, we've know each other for a year and we get along great, but we both know that if one of us were to stop going to school we probably wouldn't see each other much, if at all. There's also my one friend who's pretty much the only person I talk to in my group and he's amazing. He's finally opening up to me and we get along well. I want get to know him better. There's a couple of other people too. It's nice for the first time in a really long time I can just walk up to a lot of people and strike up a conversation. So ya, my reason for staying in school is super selfish, but I've been pretty starved for friendship these past few years. And after going to uni for the past year and a half, I made some friends all on my own. So is it wrong of me to have such a basic motivation to continue studying.

Who's Zin going to be honest to? 

Who's going to make the shy guy smile.?

Who's going to talk to the silent one? 

So many people I'm not ready to just stop seeing suddenly. 

Is it wrong?

    Still the two days before that final exam were nerve racking. I studied my ass off, going over that one chapter in the book. Analyzing all of the examples, going over them, making sure I understood what I was reading. One day was focused on theory and another was focused on practical problems. The second day Zin kept his promise and he also brought me motivational coffee. I can't thank this guy enough, no seriously if I thank him too much he'll go into his weird cocky persona and then I just wanna punch him in the face. Still two days passed, during that time I stayed at home the entire time, never saw my dad cause we were in another argument. Which at that point I couldn't give a flying fuck about, it also meant that I didn't have to explain anything to him till it was all over.
    So wednesday the 7th rolls around and I'm once again at school. Trying to control my breathing and keep from having a panic attack. I kept frantically going over my notes, until finally I had to force myself to stop because my brain kept repeating 'Are you sure we know everything?!' Lets just say that when I sat down to write, my palms were sweaty and my hands were shaking. I took a few deep breaths to calm my mind and focus before I wrote something that could mentally break me if I didn't pass.
    I'm going to be honest for a moment here. If I had failed that exam I'm not sure if I wouldn't have come home, written a final post and than never saw the light of day again. I know that, that wouldn't have been a good way out, but who knows what my emotionally broken mind would do. Less than a month ago I 'jokingly' said I wanted to jump off a building while talking to Aster (nothing new he's mostly aware of my suicidal thoughts), but after saying it at that moment I realized I really wanted it. It's only the third month of the year and I've already almost jumped twice. I'm starting to think I might actually have to go to a psychologist if this keeps up.
    Still I'm writing this, so you know I passed. Congrats, you didn't have to go through an emotional roller coaster like I did! Still I remember sitting across from the professor while he graded and he was talking aloud and as soon as he said I got one right my brain latched onto that and just kept thinking 'just one more, just one fucking more and we've pulled this off.' My entire body was shaking at this point in time, my hands were covered in a layer of sweat as I held them in between my thighs so that the Prof wouldn't see how nervous I was. Still after that he started to say oh, oh and asked my why I did the next two question as I did them. I explained my reason and after thinking for a moment he exhaled and said the magic words. I'll pass you.
    My heart dropped and in that moment it felt like a metric ton of weight lifted off my shoulders. He changed my grade in the system, I thanked him profusely and left. Relief, that's what I felt the moment I walked out those doors. While at the same time my brain supplied that we have a shit ton of stuff to do after that two day extravaganza. Not to mention that I had an obligatory lecture to go to. Still I had my switch on me and even though I was about 45 minutes late I still got checked for attendance and got to play breath of the wild for the other half of the lecture. Can't forget that I got to send one of my favorite text of all time to Zin, "Unfortunately it looks like you're gonna have to deal with me a little longer." Because you know I have to joke about a stressful situation, how else am I suppose to get over it?
    My shy guy managed to find me after the lecture, I think he was actually worried since I sort of went MIA on him for two full days. Still I gave him a quick run down of what happened. He seemed surprised and relived, guess he was glad that he didn't have to start looking for a new friend. Still after that Zin and I ditched for about four hours, because after all the emotions I couldn't sit through four hours of lectures. So we relaxed and talked and were glad to put everything behind us.
    After I got home that day my father came up to end our silent fuming, which I barely thought about during the past few days. When we talked and apologized he asked me how I'd been doing and I don't know why, but I decided to tell him what happened. Logically it'd make sense to just keep it to myself, but I told him. The look on his face at the end of that story was something akin to I just had a heart attack, but I also found out I won a million dollars. Still it was a week and at the end of it I went straight to Aster's house because I was done with the world at large. I just wanted to wrap myself around him and forget about everything I had just gone through.
    I won't forget though. This is a reminder to never let it get to that. I also must say that everything that happened was my own fault. I let it get that far, because I didn't know. All of the people that took pity on stupid ol' me, well thank you for not just kicking you me out of uni and giving me one final chance. Professor that didn't fail me, I'm gonna try a little harder in school. Also would it be wrong to deliver flowers to the secretary and give the professor some good coffee? I kinda really want to do it, but I'm not sure if that would be wrong in any way.
    Finally, cause really this thing is way too fucking long. Thanks Zin, for calling me again after that random ikea trip, for telling me not to give up and for being a kind, stubborn, asshole.

Enough with the sap, ugh. 

Well that was me being a moron, cheers.

 Nothing new here now, move along.