Your ideal world?

    You're sitting alone on your laptop, working. Typing away inside your cozy apartment. You live alone, you work from home and you don't have much contact with the outside world.
    When you finished college and got your first real job, you moved out of your fathers house. You keep in touch, barely. He calls you ever week, but you only answer every other, because you hate the monotone conversation, the questions and heavan forbid he get your grandmother on the phone.
    Mother's easier to deal with. She lives across the ocean, is generally busy with work so really only calls once a month to check on you. Everytime she calls she asks if you're coming to visite for the summer or holidays. You always say you'll talk to your brother and figure something out together, the two of you never do.
    Brother is brother. You both call each other every two weeks and have hour long conversations, but you rarely see each other, both busy with your own lives. He's trying to finish school and is so in love with his partner that you don't want to take any of his time.
    So you sit in your living room typing away at your laptop. Focused on your work, you feel numb and empty, but that's all you've ever really felt since you moved away from your childhood home. That's just a distant memory now.
    Although you remember a girl, one so close to you before now a stranger, who tried to keep in touch. You tried writing and talking, but the time difference was too much for you and it just HURT so much, that you stopped responding until eventually she gave up. She's just a distant memory now, you can barely remember her, but she appears randomly in dreams. You always wake up crying then.
    When you finish working you update the repository and shut down your computer for the day. Heading towards your kitchen you make a cup of tea and sit by a window and observe the outside world. You really don't get out much. At one point you regulerly went to a martial arts gym, but after a few years of training you decided to train on your own at home and in the park.
    Someone from your old high school messaged you recently. Inviting you to a reunion, it's only been about 8 or so years, but you guess your home room teacher wants to get everyone back together? High school doesn't really bring back good memories. Knowing you, you probably won't go.
    There was one boy, the only thing you can recall is his long blond hair. At first so shy, but you came to think of him as a friend almost. One time you met up in a park and were hanging out on a bridge feeding ducks. He seemed nervous, like he wanted to ask you something, but you interrupted him and he never did end up asking. You never really talked to him again after that.
    You feel a bit like a rock sitting at the bottom of a rushing river, looking up at the world above while you yourself are stagnant. There are moments where you think, what would life be like if a few things went a little differently? Honestly, it could still end up being the same, but you don't think on it too much. Those thoughts always make you feel more hollow and empty then usual.
    You live on the 14th floor. Sometimes you wish the window could open all the way so you could lean right out. You find yourself doing that in your usual routine imagining the wind whiping around you and the world suddenly going black. This time though there is no glass to stop you and you fall. You panic, but only for a moment, because right before you hit concrete a voice shouts at you.

WAKE UP YOU MORON!

    This isn't you! This isn't who you are! This isn't what the world bestowed upon you! DON'T YOU DARE ERASE THEM! HOW COULD YOU?They're your precious people and you're just going to forget about them, because it will hurt less? You think that if you erase your memories of love towards him, towards your sister and your brother that, that will make your pain go away? Sure it stopped for a little while, but you became an empty shell of yourself. Nothing of the person you once were, you might as well have gone splat on the ground. Trust me the world would have been better off.
    And don't go giving me any crap that, that's fine and your okay with it cause we both know what you really feel like on the inside. Stop it. There's no point in being this bitter and empty over such silly things. Those asshats don't need you, you have three people that care about you right in front of you and you want to erase them to make it easier to bare rejection? That just pisses me off even more.
    How the fuck are we the same person? I refuse to associate myself with you if this is what you have decided is your solution. Nope, kiss my ass, you wuss. Here's some tough love for you; Do you know how many people have it so much worse than you? Are you aware that your state of numbness is a daily occurence to some, because they never got to experience the beauty of truely caring for another human being before?
    What you have experienced and gone through has left you plenty of scars and heart break, but look at what's surfaced from all that pain, suffereing and loneliness. You're such a wonderful person. I understand you're fighting the temptation of the knife and I'm so proud of you for that, but this solution isn't any better. Kid, cause no matter what age you are you will always be a child on the inside, don't give in after all these years. Keep fighing or else you'll never find your own path in life. You will never find that nook you seem to so desperatly search for, so continue forward, continue fighting. And if you ever need an extra push to get you back up again,  

I'll be there.