About two weeks ago I came back from america, having just spent two weeks holiday there. Whenever I come back from america I feel strange things, different things, confusing things. Usually I visit in the summer so I have time before school to sort them out, but I didn't get that this time. I had the weekend to get used to the time change, before jumping right back into school.
That first week I was an emotional wreck on the inside. My body was having trouble adjusting to the time difference, I was stressed out cause I ended up missing two days of school and had to ask someone for notes. There were also two surprise projects that I discovered just a couple of days before their due dates. Exams are coming up and I'm super nervous and that hollow feeling in my chest was very prominent.
Back to america, for some reason saying goodbye to my mother was a lot harder this time, then before. Maybe cause my brother wasn't at the airport to see me off, because he's coming to visit in June, so our goodbye was more of a see you later. Maybe the goodbye was so intense because at one moment I envisioned Larkspur in my mothers place and the dam just broke. Whenever I'm at the airport I don't let myself cry. Whether it's seeing someone off or setting off myself I try to keep my cool, bottle it up and focus on the day. Let the tears fall when I'm alone, at night. This time though the tears fell and I didn't care that people were staring at us two cry babies, because really they could go fuck themselves.
This goodbye felt so weird and different than the usual goodbyes. My squirt was always there with a see you in less than a year while I'd add an extra year for my mom, this time he was gone and it was just the two of us. I don't know how to explain this. I feel like I'm running in circles. Maybe I'm angry because even though I was in the states and I spent time with my shitty family for the holidays and goofed off a ton with Squirt I never really got that much time for Larkspur. I guess I'm a spoiled brat to want to have my best friend for myself for a bit. There were days where I wanted to say see ya Ma, I'm taking the car be back tomorrow maybe and grab her from her home and return her whenever she pleases. I guess I just wanted a taste of what we had when she came to visit. Something impossible when I go their.
Who know's when we'll get that again? If we'll ever get that again? we've reached a point in our lives where things are slowly starting. We're slowly moving forward, although she's farther than me, but I'll catch up eventually. Those days where I could randomly pop over to her house are so long gone, but I guess there was a small part of me still holding on somewhere and now it's burning me inside out. I feel like the child in me is slowly dyeing. My life is slowly being sucked out.
Most days I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. Whenever Aster stays the night all I want to do is curl into him and for a few hours pretend like the world doesn't exist. That life I'm trying to live out there isn't real. It's so stressful and painful. Everything hurts, but it's nothing physical. You feel so alone. I used to love going to school just to see my friends, like any other snot nosed kid. Now, I'm studying something I love, but I'm so alone that I hate it. All these fucking acquaintances and polite smiles and shit. Fucking can we stop?
Maybe that's one of the things I was saying goodbye to.
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